Title: Forgive but not forget
Author: Mapiya Huyana
Rating: K+ (just in case)
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: Jane/Lisbon
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.
Summary: "I forgive him but I will never forget." After Red John's death, Jane moves to another state and leaves Teresa Lisbon behind with beautiful memories and feeling that some part of her is missing.

Author's Note: I know, this is very cliché idea but I hope that this is new point of view. After reading I really appreciate if you will review. It is fantastic feeling when you see new review. It tells that somebody reads this story from beginning to the end. Hope you enjoy reading this!

I forgive him but I will never forget.

This phrase is repeated in my mind over and over again. I have said so many times but only once I meant what I said. I know, people say this phrase when they want to forgive but they can't forget what have been done. Last time I said this phrase when I said goodbyes to him. And that was the only time when I meant every single word in this phrase.

I forgive him. I understand his choice and I'm not mad at him. I'm not disappointed or angry. I understand and I forgive. Okay, I lied. I am disappointed and maybe even angry. But I didn't lie when I say I forgive him. I truly do.

I understand why he left. I had done the same in the past.

He left because of Red John. We caught him. Unfortunately he died when he tried to escape us. In the papers it's said that I killed him with five bullets. But in the reality Jane shot three bullets. Then I took the gun from his hand and I shot two bullets more. Maybe because Jane had missed two times of three and Red John was still alive and he had a knife in his hands. Maybe I shot because I wanted him to get killed. The way or another I shot two times and I didn't miss my target.

Red John was dead.

And so Jane got his revenge. After the case had finally closed he left his resignation. I wasn't surprised at all. We had a little goodbye party for him. There I promised that I forgive him. We talked a lot. I don't understand why he had a need to explain me his choice. I understand without explanation. He wanted a fresh start. New life in a new city where nobody knows you.

I have done the same when I moved to Sacramento. So yes, I understand his choice. I forgave him and I also told that to him. He needed to hear it. He felt so sorry for me so I told him not to. I'm alright.

Except I'm not. I'm disappointed, angry and I feel like I'm a bad friend. If I can't help my friend when he needs it the most I can't be a good friend. So I fail. In friendship. But if I haven't let him go, if I had made him stay here although he wanted to leave… I wouldn't have been the good friend either, would I?

No. If he wanted to leave then I had to let him leave.

And now, here I am, sitting in my office with mountains of paperwork just waiting to be done and yet I recall my ex-consultant. Still after two months it sounds weird to say ex-consultant. He was part of my life so many years and we shared so many good memories.

Like that time when he persuaded me to do trust fall. I fell and he caught me so I didn't hit the ground. I can still remember what I think at that moment. I wasn't scared about hitting the ground – I knew that he would catch me. I was scared because I didn't know if I wanted him to know how blindly I trusted him. But afterwards everything went okay. He didn't make a fool of our trust fall. In fact he never made a fool of anything important. Like then when we danced in the high school reunion. I will always remember how he smiled at me when I gave up and walked to the dance floor with him. I was happy and relaxed in his arms. He was a pretty good dancer too, I must say.

Yea, I know, sometimes he was son of a bitch. He annoyed me until I screamed to him. He frustrated me and made me angry. I was furious because of him many times. It was a game we played. He teased me and I teased him back. He kept annoying me and I kept yelling at him. Everyone in Serious Crime Unit knew that little game between us. Of course we had our big fights but we always made a peace. Maybe it took many cups of coffee and tea and time to calm down but we always gave forgiveness to each other.

We were best friends and worst enemies. But like you know, the line between love and hate is really small. So small, that sometimes it feels like there is no line at all. In our case there really wasn't any kind of line. Maybe it was because of our jobs. We had to act many roles in any kind of situations. Once we acted married couple. Many times our witnesses thought that we were in some kind of relationship. Even our boss thought so!

But now I must correct that wrong fact. Because the answer is no. We weren't in romantic relationship. Never. We were only friends and that's it.

Now we aren't friends anymore. He wants to break free and start without us. So I let him forgot me. I tried to call him one day but the unfamiliar recorded voice told me that the number was wrong or it wasn't in use. Okay. I tried to understand that. He has changed his phone number and now I don't have any way to reach him. I don't even know where he lives!

So I must forget him.

Except I can't do that. First, I promised him that I don't forget him. Second, how can you forget somebody who was in your life many years? Who was your friend? Who really understands you? Yep. You just can't forget. So my only option is to keep going.

I do exactly that by working harder and more. If I used to work ten hours a day now I work twelve. I work too much, I know it. My team knows it. And worst of all, my boss knows it. That is a little problem. The team and the boss want me to relax but I want to work. When I worked I have something else to think than Jane.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to forget him. I don't hate him. I just can't think about him every day.

I can tell you a secret. I have a photo in my desk's drawer. It is nice photo of him. I like his smile and the way he is looking at me in the photo. It has taken one sunny day when we walk to the crime scene. He was in the good mood and told a joke. I laughed and he smiled at me. Van Pelt has taken the photo with perfect timing. We looked each other with smile on our lips and our body language tells that we are relaxed and happy.

The photo reminds me about his good side. I don't remember times when he broke down and needed a shoulder to cry on. I don't remember the look that he gave to Red John. I don't remember anything negative about him when I look the photo. And that is how I want to remember him.

I don't know who I'm trying to cheat. The truth is that I miss him. I miss him so much that my heart is breaking. Sometimes I find hard to breathe like somebody is strangling me. All because of him. I can't even sleep without thinking him! I wake up in the morning cursing something that he had made in my dream. Soon I understand that it was just a dream and then I hope it would be reality. I even miss his idiot ideas and irresponsible tricks that he used to do.

I miss every little thing about him, there is no way denying it. I need him back. Without him my work is easy and boring. There is nothing surprising in my day. I come early in the morning and I leave the office late in the evening. The same round every day. With him there was always something unexpected that made the difference in to the routine of day.

I hope that someday I will see him again. Just to see that he is okay. But somewhere deeply inside me I know that I won't see him. Ever. If he doesn't want to see me… Well, then I can do nothing about it. If he wants to see me he knows where he will find me. But he obviously doesn't want to see me – if he wants he didn't leave the town at all! So I can promise you this: if I'll ever see him again I won't say goodbyes. Never again.

I can promise other thing too. If I'll ever talk to him again I will tell him how much he means to me. Because… I love him. After all I loved my annoying, childish, charming and pain in the ass consultant more than I should have. I still love. More than he would ever love me back. But it doesn't matter to me because I love him.

Because of my love I forgive him. And also because of my love I will never forget him.

A/N: Well, what do you think? Please tell me. And also – let me know should I continue this. I was wondering that because it would be fun to write Chapter 2 about what would happen if Jane would return 10 years later or so. But it's up to you guys! :) Thanks for reading.