(Kyle's POV, elementary classroom)
"Ok children, let's take our seats"
Not everyone's gonna listen Mr. Garrison, you dumbass. In fact I was right, most students were still out of their chairs, talking about god knows what.
While Stan, me, Kenny and fatass were already seated, just staring blankly at him with seemingly to no emotion.
"This morning, I have a special lecture from your school counselor, Mr. Mackey"
Fuck. What the hell is that over sized head of dumbass doing here? Well, he is the school counselor, but that's not really important. I look around in both directions and mutter under my breath softly, "dick"
That's the first thing that made me smile this morning.
"Booooo"
That was Stan by the way. Mocking Mr. Mackey's
voice with a hand cupping around his mouth as if to speak louder through a megaphone. That's funny shit right there.
"Now-now who was that? That's not appropriate behavior, mmkay?"
Stan wasn't done so soon. Not that he needs to stop, this counselor deserves some funny bullshit students pull on him.
"I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, mmkay?"
Stan had his hands down so now no more cupping his mouth and shit, but now just using his mouth alone to mock the fucking crap out of Mackey. Though Stan wasn't gonna have all the freaking fun.
"Uh, that's ok. But just don't let it happen again, mmkay?"
My turn.
"We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, mmkay?"
Laughter is coming out of the other students mouths. So far me and stan are doing a job right.
"Mmkay, mmkay, that's fine"
Now fatass has done it. Even if I fucking hate him with all my guts, I would like to see his guts come out of his body by slashes from a dagger. They do sell them you know. Even though daggers kick ass when it comes to slaying, cartman does have a good impression on Mr. Mackey.
"Now as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol, and why they're bad, Mmkay?"
The blackboard behind him, which consisted of the words 'drugs are bad' and he turned to face it.
"Uh, first of all, smokings bad, you shouldn't smoke"
Writes the word 'Smoking' on board.
"And, Uh, alcohol is bad"
No shit asshole. I mean fuck, everything you're saying so far, we got in our goddamn minds.
Now he's writing 'alcohol' on board.
"You shouldn't drink alcohol"
He turns around and tells us more.
"And, Uh, Drugs are bad, you shouldn't do drugs. Ok, that about wraps up my introduction, any questions?"
I didn't think so at first, but Stan's hand rose in the air, signaling to our counselor that he had a question.
Mr. Mackey calls on him, thinking he had a confusion over his weak ass lame intoruduction on just saying drugs are freaking bad for you, but stan has another thing in mind. A random one he was just probably thinking now.
It was a question like this.
"Why do dogs have cold noses?"
What the fuck? Stan, I'm not gonna give a lecture on randomness, like hell I will, just when are you ever random, especially with the damn questions? You know what, never mind.
"I-I'm not sure" said Mr. Mackey.
Stan gave him an extra look of blankness, it was so much of no expression, it was just, as it goes, emotionless.
"Ohhh"
Stan, you really don't get it. I know you don't.
Just because you say 'ohhh I get it' doesn't mean you mean it. People do that a lot, and frankly so do I at times. I also twist my words around to catch fatass off guard. He's a goddamn motherfucker, an asshole who deserves painful death for insulting so called minorities, me, stan, Kenny and more. Right now he won't get punched.
"Now, uh, lets focus on our discussion of marijawana"
He said it wrong, but said it right on the board.
"Marijawana's bad"
Said it fucking wrong again. But I don't care about errors of words. I don't alright...god.
"And it also has a very distinct smell, Mmkay, now I'm gonna pass around a tiny bit of the marijawana and you're gonna take a smell, so you know when someone is smoking the marijawana near you"
He passes it to the only British kid in this goddamn classroom. The loser of a Brit smells the goddamn shit and passes it to somebody else. I don't bother anymore with who's sniffing the marijawana. If it was me, stan, Kenny or fatass then it's different.
"Mmkay, so when everybody's done sniffing, just pass it on, and return it to me, but since everybody just got the marijawana, we're gonna be talking about alcohol"
"Alcohol is bad"
The word alcohol was underlined to make a point clear.
"Ok, if you drink alcohol, then—"
I drowned his voice out so you won't hear his dumb fucking voice. And besides, there's something going on, and I want to ask stan and Kenny, and maybe fatass, about my little brothers bris. It's a Jewish thing, you know. If you did, then good for you.
"Hey" I half whispered to stan, the other half at my normal speaking volume, "are you guys coming to Ike's party this weekend?"
"You're little brothers having a party? Is it his birthday?" Stan questioned to me surprised.
"No, it's a... bris" I say struggling with the word. You could do it right in your head, but not perfectly saying the shit.
"What the hells a bris?" Angrily questioned the fatass.
"I don't know, but there's gonna be lots of food"
That's sure to get fatass's attention. You can by his dragging weight that he loves food. Especially sweets. I can't have sweets, since I'm diabetic, but I only use them to touch them and throw them out the window, and see if fatass will be stupid enough and jump out the window and grab em out of the grass.
"Oh, kickass, I wanna have a bris"
You only wanna have a bris because of the food, cartman!
"Now, uh, that wraps up our discussion of marijawana. Uh, has that marijawana made it up here yet?"
Oh that. I forgot about that shit. It really is shit. It smells like freaking crap, it looks like the same as it smells, a bunch of bullshit.
"No, mmkay. Let's talk about LSD"
LSD is written on the board.
"LSD, is uh, bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney"
Who?
"Dude, are we supposed to be bringing presents for your brother?" Stan asked me, not bothering to care about Mr. Mackey's repeats of saying everything drug related is bad. Hell, I agree, he's barely even giving us any info on drugs and why they're bad, so... fuck mr Mackey and his fucked up ways of talking about fucking drugs. He's just as gay as Mr. Garrison, who has left us with this counselor who doesn't know shit from crappy fat assholes. I even look at cartman as I think this. But I need to answer my best friend.
"Uh, I'm not sure" I say to him.
"Well you better find out" Stan says in a hurried whisper.
Hurried is probably to care now about Mr Mackey's fucked up ways of saying 'drugs are bad'.
"Boys, are you paying attention?"
I wanted to scoff and say no, but stan beat me by mocking Mr mackeys voice and saying sorry. With adding an mmkay of course.
"Okay, now children, whoever has the marijawana, pass it up please"
Nothing happens. We all stare with no emotion, just as emotionless as those faggy goth kids probably smoking behind the school right now.
"Do I need to repeat?"
Still nothing. Who the hell is keeping that shit with them? Just hand over the damn thing and mr Mackey will be fucking outta here.
"Uh oh"
You Damn right Motherfucker.
(Bus stop, outta the bus)
We get out of the bus. It's about freaking time!
That bus driving bitch has been yelling for us to shut our goddamn mouths and silence our goddamn breathing.
What the hell do you want us to do goddamn bitch?! Stop breathing? With her attitude towards us, I would expect that from a low life whore with hair as messed up as her future.
"Goddamn that sucked being searched" Stan said after we started our first steps to home.
"Yea, my ass is killing me" said the goddamn fat hunk of crap.
Your ass is probably killing you from walking too much, and all that blubbery fat keeping you down big time.
As I spoke, I said marijuana wrong. Just as our only school counselor. And I was the one after all telling crap about Mr. Mackey's fucked up pronunciations.
"Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us"
"I wonder who took it," pondered cartman.
In fact here, I have to agree with cartman. Who did take it after all?
(Just a few minutes later)
We were still walking home. What do you really expect us to be home in a few minutes? Maybe we could've stopped at our house sooner if that crazy motherfucking busdriving whore could have been nice for once in her life and stop us closer to our houses.
Cars have been driving by us. It's a road after all. We have just been leaving a trail of footsteps in the snow next to the road.
A car as green as my eyes and hat has been pulling up to us. Maybe this particular driver knows us.
Well of course they do! ... It's chef!
"Hello there children" he says in his usual greeting while getting the hell out of his car. He must be in a strong emotion to get the hell out of his car, he loves his car, but also he loves us as well. Not the really sappy kind, just a really strong friendship with us five. Or four, since cartman and him aren't the best of friends. But he also must have an important statement or question to say.
He looks a little worried.
But we greet him our usual daily 'hey chef'
"How's it going?" I ask him.
He usually asks us that, not us kids. But we could try and ask him how he's doing. You know, change it up a little.
"Bad" he answers right away. So that's a hint of his worried expression.
"Children, I heard about what happened at school today, now none of you touched that nasty marijuana, did you?"
Stan reacted defensively and exclaimed "No dude! We never even saw it!"
"Ok, cause I just wanted to tell you that drugs are bad"
I had to stop myself and pull myself together after desperately not rolling my eyes about this whole shit of 'drugs are bad'.
Stan was the one answering chef first with an annoyed tone and an angry face.
"We know, we know. That's what everybody says"
Well said stan. I mean holy fuck, with all the sayings from our only counselor with drugs are bad, now chef is saying the shit and I don't know how much shit of this shit I can take with this bullshit we keep hearing.
"Well do you know why they're bad?" Chef asks us.
Blurting it out while looking him in the eye, "because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits"
Wow. That was as long as cartmans ass. Actually no, fatass has more to it then that. Even an imax screen couldn't win against that ass attached to that fat asshole.
"And do you have any idea what that means?" chef asks me carefully.
Now that he's asking me, I don't. I mean sure I knew about his asking of drugs ar bad, and why. But to break it down and explain then about the drugs, I don't know bullshit.
"No"
I sounded like a child, a young child that doesn't know what to say except the basic words. No, yes, fatass, those kind. I mean I'm only eight after all, I don't need to know and see the way of every single fucking thing about goddamn drugs. Just... lay me off alright.
"I know" spoke up cartman.
"Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck"
That's not it fatass. Theres more to it than that you son of a bitch.
"Look children. This is all I'm gonna say about them damn drugs: Stay away from them. There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.
Do you understand?"
We all said no. All at the same motherfucking time. God fuck, it's not a big deal. In fact it's so not a goddamn thing to question about. So what, if we all say no at the same moment, same volume of voice, same expression on our faces. Even cartman, right now at least, was not making fun of this drug crap.
"Ok"
Now chef is leaving. What, that's it? I stopped him with a question. A question involving my little brother.
"Hey, you coming to Ike's bris this weekend?"
I wasn't expecting chef to give me a hell no, and that he can't bare to see my little brothers bris.
"What do you mean?" asked Stan.
Yea chef why can't you come?
Chef incredulously asks us all "don't you boys know what a bris is?"
I should know what a bris is. But I know it's something the Jewish do. I know it's gonna be a ceremony for my brother. But, the actual bris itself and breaking it down to know and understand, I mean what actually happens when a bris takes place?
"They're gonna circumcise him"
Circumcise? What's that? Cartman asks chef about circumcising and what it is. Is fatass actually curious about this?
"Oh boy, here we go" chef mentally takes a deep breath and closes his eyes in preparation for explaining to us kids about circumcision.
We all wait for him to continue.
"Children, uh, what's the one thing that's sacred to a man more than anything else in the world?"
Uh, I don't know chef. In fact we all didn't know at first. Especially cartman, that motherfucking piece of shit. Stan guessed bicycles. Kenny guessed nothing, frankly I did the same thing, and then fatass guessed ham.
Ham. Like what the fuck?
I immediately got pissed, the anger fueling my words as I called him a fat fuck. Like seriously, when the goddamn hell does fatass not think about food?
"Screw you!" He points an angry finger at me. I wanted to break it off, and throw it in his face. Goddamn, fatass sure knows how to get my anger going with just a little comment, a little guess you can say.
"It's ham isn't it?" Cartman ignores my pissed off look while asking chef about ham being the right answer.
"No no no no children. I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body"
My anger over at cartmans bullshit of guessing ham leaves me now, as I want to guess what could be the most important part of man's supposed body.
"Your heart?" I guess.
"Your eyes?" Guessed stan.
I mean both of our guesses were fine, but I feel like there's something more. Just a sneaking suspicion.
Chef answers by slapping a hand over his eyes in incredible disbelief. So that means we're both wrong. Him not even saying anything is a giveaway that Stan and I's guesses were not the answers he needed.
"Oh, your penis!" Came Kenny's reply. Well that's unsurprising. Kenny is a master at knowing sex and doing sex. I even see him stroke his penis in class, lovingly with tender hardcore care.
"That's right" says chef, pointing at Kenny in approved happiness.
"Hey!" Exclaimed the only overly fattened child,
"My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis Kenny, you're supposed to call it a fireman"
"A fireman?" chef asks surprised.
"That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a slap to the ass"
Cartman, what the fuck are you trying to do with these goddamn words. Are they lies? Are they a form of manipulation to use on chef and the rest of us? I always have to be prepared. I'll be fucking, goddamn fucking damned if I let cartman manipulate any of us. Including the one adult that we can trust.
"Damnit children"
Now chefs getting annoyed with us. What the hell did we do this time? Probably fatass and his lies. God I hate him.
"Why do I always have to be the one explaining this stuff to you?"
Oh. Those topics that involve sex, alcohol or, for today's topic, drugs? Well chef, you're an adult that we go for advice on topics we can't understand, or just problems we're struggling with, you're just a trustworthy person for us four.
"Ask your parents for once"
He gets in his car and drives off. Damn he's really that pissed? And he's the one who came to us in the first place and he gets to drive off angrily while we're the ones still walking home in the goddamn snow only at first goddamn upset with our crazy bitch of a bus driver? Sorry chef, but I really don't think we did anything wrong.
"Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good"
(The boys, minus Stan, are sitting on snow, playing)
We were trying to build a snow formation of South Park. Just use all the snow and make it form into houses of the same shape, the school and some other buildings.
But then fatass, the goddamn motherfucking asshole, pushed me behind my back while I was kneeling and looking down at our first few snow formed houses, and made me fall down on my face., my face destroying the houses that Kenny and I built. The houses were small anyway, so not much to destroy, but still that fatass should not push me on my fucking front side! Or any goddamn side!
Getting up after spitting out some snow, I grab the snow that wasn't in my mouth, there's a lot that wasn't and throw it in cartmans face when he turns around after yelling at a bunch of 'minorities' as he calls them.
"What the fuck Kyle?!"
I don't answer, just throw more snow in his flabby fattened face. He gets more pissed off and screams at me to knock it off.
"Knock it off Kahl!"
Now we're kind of even. Kind of, sort of, almost.
Maybe I should do something else. I love ideas to enact revenge on cartman. Maybe—
"Kyle! Dude you have to stop them!"
Stan? Why are you screaming, why are you panting like Kenny does after humping girls? I know the difference between Kenny's panting of grinding the girls vaginas into his ballsy dick.
Turning around after giving cartman a dirty glare from not so long ago earlier, I see my best friend running close to us and our newly formed snowy South Park. Kenny did it while me and cartman fought.
"Stop who?" I ask, my curiosity peaked at the mention of 'them'.
"Dude, I found out a bris is, I found what they're gonna do to Ike!"
Dude, you don't need to keep yelling, I mentally say.
But I ask what they're gonna do to Ike. They is obviously my parents. I mean, who else?
"What?" I question.
"They're gonna chop off his wee wee!"
My face was before calm, not worrying about shock or anger, but once Stan announced my brothers penis being chopped off, I mean what the hell, he's only freaking 2!, it got set into both of those emotions mixed together.
"Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?" I exclaim with more anger taking over, pushing the shock to the side.
"Yea dude, it's a Jewish tradition. It's called a circumstition!"
So Stan is definitely sure. He sounds serious, and frantic to tell me all about the bris. Well he should, not only are we best friends and should tell each other information, but I also have a little brother at home who doesn't know yet what will happen to his wee wee.
"Dude that's not cool! Chopping off wee wee's is not cool!"
Yes fatass we know it's not cool. As chef says it's the most important part of a man's body.
"That can't be true, my parents wouldn't do that!" I protest to stan.
"Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstitions, and they make it into a party called a bris!"
While That's understandable with putting everything into place, circumcising leads to a party, a bris I've been saying. But I have not been saying that Ike's penis is gonna get chopped off! Hell, I didn't even know until Stan told me, told all of us, while we were probably thinking this bris thing won't be so bad, but now we all beg to differ as it goddamn is!
"I won't believe it! I won't!"
I stand up and yell to myself and to them that I won't stand for it and I'm gonna ask my parents, to hear from the only other Jews in this town, to hear their side of what happens when a bris takes place.
I mean I obviously trust my friend, as he wouldn't lie about this, but I'd like to hear from my parents themselves, of what happens. Let's go.
(Kyle's house)
"Just a little higher"
I rushing inside, running over towards my parents, who my mom was directing my dad which way to put a decorated sign close to the ceiling, high on the wall. The sign was saying 'happy bris Ike' with in the middle were.. two knifes symbolizing the chopping, the cutting off of Ike's penis.
"Mom! Dad!"
That got em. Away from putting the sign of the bris away, to me. I felt like yelling my names for them would make them stop setting up things, to focus on what their son needs to talk about.
"Oh hi Kyle, I'm glad you're here, you can help us decorate for the party"
Uh, no. That's not why I'm here.
"Your mothers made gahekgafuga" my dad announces as a side note.
"What the hell is gahekgafuga?"
Sigh, I don't know fatass.
"Mom, dad" I repeat before giving my question as opposed to why I'm here.
"What exactly is this party for?"
They give a quick moment of looking at each other.
My mom says it's to 'celebrate my little brothers passage into life'.
I look over at Ike clapping on the floor, oblivious to what's being talked about. Oblivious for now that we're talking about him and his fucked up party. It's totally fucked up! Cutting off a penis is so not cool. Sound familiar doesn't it? Those were cartmans words.
"Meaning what?" I need them to clarify a little more. Just say what I think you're gonna say, no stalling. Please.
"Meaning we're gonna circumcise him"
I gasp in absolute horrified shock. So it's true. Stan was right, I was wrong to think he was wrong, and my parents are actually gonna do it! God fuck!
"They are gonna cut off his fireman!"
It's called a penis, you fat fuck.
"It's Jewish tradition Kyle" says my mother.
My father tried saying that he and mom could've done it sooner but I didn't hear the rest. God fuck!, my parents are penis murderers! I scream while running to my room with Ike in my arms. I am not letting my parents slice his penis, chop it into smaller pieces, and hang it on a wall. Whatever they'll do to it afterwards, they're not going to. They'll have to go through me first. I'm totally serious here. It's time for a plan. I have to send Ike somewhere where he'll be safe from them.
Hearing screaming from the only other kids in this house momentarily stops me from packing. I got out a book bag to pack stuff for Ike, but stan, fatass and Kenny's screaming echos in my room after they shut their mouths upon seeing me. I don't get annoyed at all, well a little since cartman is here, but other than that I'm fine.
People say that as just an excuse to get others to not worry about their shit, but you should know I am definitely not fine. I'm worried for my little brothers safety.
"Where you going?" Stan worriedly asks while I start to pack some more stuff for Ike. I ain't telling you what.
"I can't believe my parents are cannibals"
I look back down at Ike and the book bag, folding the flap of the bag over and zipping it too so nothing falls out.
"What are you gonna do dude?" Stan worriedly asks me again.
"I have to save my little brother"
I go on my bed, walk across it in sped up steps, jump on to my dresser, and the window is right next to me, closed.
"I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses"
I open with the window with determination, and jump down to the grassy ground.
I reach out with my arms open to catch Ike, call for him to come down and he does, with an unintelligible word that came out while jumping down. What it was, I don't really give a crap, I just give a crap about Ike being in a safer place, still having his wiener.
"Cover me for awhile, I'll find a place to hide him and come back"
Cartman opens his mouth and protests that now in hell at they staying with my 'wee wee chopping parents'. Surprisingly for once, I don't get pissed off at him. This is a moment where one of those times I have to put my defenses down a little, and agree. But hell, even cartman looks scared about being alone with my penis murdering parents.
I wanted to say to cartman of all people, to hang in there and you three guys can make it together. But... I say something else.
"Just give me 30 minutes, come on Ike"
And just before I go, I give them a look of encouragement. Good luck.
Let's hope my parents don't chop off my two best friends wee wee's and cartman's. I know Kenny will be enraged and devastated if he can't bang his favorite girls. But stan and cartman, I don't know what they're reactions will be. But I have a mission to focus on.
(Train station)
I'm exhausted right now.
I just walked all the way to the train station, I felt like this was a way to go for Ike.
"Come on Ike, hurry up"
"Where's the next train going?" I ask the train dude for tickets.
The dude tells me that the Lincoln Nebraska train leaves in 5 fucking minutes. But that's fine since I'm right here, and I'm not a dumbass to know how to get on a train.
"You wanna go to Nebraska Ike?" I ask him, who brings himself closer to me, giving a protested 'no'.
It actually was a little cute, I admit it, as he wanted to stay with me, instead of going on a train that had too many paint jobs of brown on it.
But no time for getting distracted. I need a ticket for him.
"I need one ticket for my little brother" It was almost a demand, I was urging to get Ike away from all of this fucked up nonsense of having a penis murderer, murder his penis.
"That's a little brother, I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?"
What the hell? That's what you're asking? No goddamn crap of give me money or get the fuck outta here, instead you ask about what's wrong with Ike. You asshole, you shouldn't ask what's wrong with somebody! Just be nice enough to give the goddamn ticket, and ignore no matter what they look like. I admit I ask my parents about Ike's head,
but they don't say. No matter how much asking I do, they don't say. I gave up then. It's useless to try to get information out of people when it's official they will not to tell you.
"I'm sorry but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on a outbound train"
Caucasian. You're a dumb shit aren't you? This dude is being a little racist right now. It's just his head for Christ's sake! No big fucking deal. But this dude is going all racist on Ike's ass. I wanna do a cartman and kick his nuts.
"But my parents are gonna cut off his ding dong!"
Would that help at all?
"What? Why the hell would they do that?"
You expect me to know asshole? My Parents be crazy now and in the past.
"Please mister, they've just gone crazy for awhile. I need to hide him and make them come back to their senses"
Will that work?
Hell no.
He tells me that he can't. But his real words 'no can do' pissed me off.
"Damn it!"
Now I really wanna do a cartman and kick his nuts. I mean, if he won't save my brothers nuts, then he won't have his. It was a strong desirable urge.
But... I didnt do it.
I lead Ike away from the damn bastard who still has his penis, which he might brag about after Ike loses his, but no matter, I have another thing in mind.
Looking at an open compartment door, I have an action to pull on my brother. Kick the baby.
"Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train"
The train whistle echos throughout the train station. But that was so not five minutes.
"Ready Ike? Kick the baby!"
Ike tries to say something, his daily saying of don't kick the baby, but he only half far, before I kicked him directly into the open door. Sometimes, I got great aim. With kicking Ike into stuff, and punching cartmans very weak spot on his fatass body, to make him upset and cry.
But before I left, I did tolerate cartman, he looked so terrified at being left alone with my penis chopping parents and I knew it wasn't manipulation. There's real fear and fake fear, and he definitely wasn't faking and I even gave him a look of good luck too.
"Goodbye Ike! Be safe! I'll come get you when mom and dad are back to normal!"
I hear a faint goodbye from him, but I'm not gonna say goodbye again. The train speeds up more and more at a rapid pace every time a word forms in my head. I turn around anyway, and it's gone. Figured.
But now a new idea has formed. Maybe it might work.
(Still outside, close to bus stop)
"There, what do ya think?"
I have been working on a dummy Ike doll. Not the best idea, but I'm still following it.
The rest of us were here. Stan, cartman and kenny. I wished them good luck from probably the only penis killers in town, and nothing happened to their dicks, they look fine. I even asked and they said they made it out alive.
"What the hell is that supposed to be?"
It's called a dummy doll, shitty asshole.
"I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner"
They don't look convinced. They don't even seem to buy the shit. Maybe the plans kinda shitty, but who the hell cares right now? I sure goddamn don't.
"Dude, I'm sure your parents are gonna notice that isn't Ike"
Stan, you're supposed to be on my freaking side.
"Not if I tell them he's sick and has gotta go to bed early"
A dog came out of fucking nowhere, a growl came of it's freaking mouth, and I had to push it away with one hand and raise my dummy Ike doll with the other hand high in the air to avoid it getting bitten and ripped apart.
"You dumb dog, get away!"
It goes away, for now.
Stan says to me "dude, what'd you make that dummy out of?"
Cartman would say something like since I'm a Jew, I would rip the bones out of Christian children and and cut some bones out until it fits the shape of the doll I am holding. Jesus Christ can that kid be a dumbass, and a motherfucker.
Answering Stan, I say: "I made it out some bones from the butcher shop".
"Is that why it stinks like Kenny's house?"
You could bet your ass that it was cartman. Who else would say something like that?
I responded by saying nothing. Frankly so did Kenny. It's weird not one of us hit him yet.
"Hiii boys"
Mr mackey? What the fuck are you doing here... in the air?
His head was more inflated than usual, and it was attached to a string like he was a balloon. God damn this town has some fucked up stuff.
"Hi Mr. Mackey" we mock his voice at the same timed moment.
"Are you boys staying out of trouble?"
Of course not. That's bullshit if you think we're gonna be trouble less well behaved kids. Especially cartman.
But we all say yes just to get mr mackey to float away.
"Ok, I'm just gonna go over here for awhile"
I don't care where you go, just stay away from us, as you said, for awhile.
"Anyways" I say like nothing got interrupted.
"I need you guys to help me so my parents don't realize that Ike is gone"
The stupid dog came back. I mean, I know it's bones, but goddamn stay away from me and butchered bones asshole!
"Knock it off asshole!"
That got him. I wanted the dog to be upset and whimper so it doesn't bother me. Go to stan, he has a dog himself, or don't bother and leave. It's the dogs choice. And he chose to leave. Good.
"No way!" Exclaimed cartman.
"We're never going back to your parents house!"
Stan, you talk to him. Kenny and I are gonna leave. I made that decision when only cartman and Stan stayed in their spots of before.
"Come on dude, if you had a little brother, we'd help you"
Angry sigh from the fatass. Then he realizes something. Of course we wouldn't help. We barely help him. What are the odds that we'd do it now?
"Wait a minute, no you wouldn't! Stan, you lying asshole!"
Stan laughed first, and ran up to catch me and Kenny and joined us. We all laughed at cartman struggling to keep up, and at his anger of us not helping him. Cartman, just let it go. Don't be a pussy.
(Back at Kyle's house)
All of us ran through the door, and once we settled by taking deep breaths as we freaking ran to my house, I looked up and my parents were there. Mom with her hands on her hips, and dad with just his hands to the side, staring at me and the others.
I give a little quiet fearful gasp, but it's unnoticeable by everybody else. Even my parents, who have been staring at me ever since I walked through the door.
My gasp was uttered because I'm seeing the murderers of Ike's penis. They may be my parents, but they're also on a mission to give painful death to my little brothers wiener.
"Bubbe, Where have you been?" My mom asks me with that horrible name for me.
But I've been out to get Ike safe from you guys's weapons of the Jewish chopping of fucking penis's.
"Sorry mom, I've been dealing with Ike. He's been cranky"
I shake the dummy of Ike, and his mouth opens a little but saying no shit.
Mom clamps her hands together and asks exaggeratedly sweet, "How is my little jellybean?"
Jellybean? Mom, what the fucking hell is that supposed to mean?
" ba ba see me mama" I imitate Ike's voice and speak regularly again. "I'm gonna take him to the bathroom to get washed up".
My mom complies and insists my dummy doll of a brother give her a kiss.
Oh no. If she actually kisses the wood and bones, she's obviously gonna get suspiciously angry. Thinking fast, I tell her that "he doesn't want you kissing him".
She ignores my pleading of no! Don't do it! And comes closer with her arms outstretched as to give him a hug. Mom, you said only a kiss, not a damn hug. You penis murdering lying... I'm not gonna say the final word. Cartman insists she is one, but I don't want to call her that. In case you're wondering, it's a goddamn bitch.
Suddenly, a inhuman growl, a dogs growl, comes from behind me, and the dog that I called an asshole earlier, came back with possible vengeance and ripped the thing out of my hand with its sharp teeth.
Was it following me this whole time, just to get some bones? I wasn't even pissed right now, in fact I was shockingly horrified.
"Oh my god, Make it stop!" My mom desperately yells at the dog to put down her precious son.
But the dogs not obeying. I yell at the stupid dog to put down the thing, but it's not obeying. This has to be a damn thing of the streets. Not loveable and obeying, but vicious and doesn't listen to no humans. But this dog has to listen to us, this dummy doll is important because I really don't wanna get in trouble here. If mom and dad find out where Ike really is, I think they'll be pissed that they can't do their job of chopping off Ike's penis and just seeing their son in his last few moments..happy.
"My baby! ... Get out of here you mutt!"
First was my mother, then my father. Mom wasn't doing anything, well except crying.
Then the dog does something horrible. He tears the head of my fake brothers body, leaving the rest of it, as it goes, headless. My mom screams in horrification, my mouth opens and my eyes widen in the same way but I'm not screaming. I sound horrible that way. I may be an over reactor, but I'm not that much of a screamer.
The dog runs out the door, gets the bones out of the dummy, my parents are thinking that Ike's bones are getting ripped apart from this savage dog, and then something even worse happens.
A driving truck is visible, driving at a pace that could mean the drivers drunk or just exhausted.
Don't tell me he's gonna hit the dog. No, no, just drive around the dog asshole!
I was even gonna yell at the driver, since his window was opened, but it was too late.
The truck ran over the dog, splatting its body on the road, it making it crushed, with some blood coating the tires as the dog dies in a gory mess. I bet it's body is now a mess as the tires pressed against the dogs furry brown skin, and ripped open the dogs body with the tires now having skin on them as the dog has been squashed on the road. Finally, the driver dies, as an unexpected fiery explosion from the truck bursts out, killing the two living things on the road we were staring at.
"Ohhhh" My mothers voice breaks and cries at the tragedy of her sons death.
"He's dead, he's dead, my little bubula's dead!"
My dad tries to comfort my mom with "There there Sheila, there was nothing we could do"
Now I realize there's no time for cursing now when my parents are crying out and grieving over Ike, even in my own thoughts, I'll hold the colorful words back.
(Cemetery)
My parents were crying softly, and watching with a broken heart as they watched their other son got put down into a casket, then once the casket was closed, they pulled it with down in a hole all set up for the two guys who really didn't wanna be here.
"Yay, usher the lord said some Jewish guy once, ashes to ashes, dust to dust" even the priest didn't feel like being here. Well neither did I, since it's just a dummy doll that happened to look like Ike and fool my parents. I can't help the shit that I possess in fooling my penis murdering parents with dummy dolls made of just freaking bones.
Everybody covers their ears as somebody plays the freaking bagpipes. Freaking bagpipes. Like really white dude.
"Hey wait a minute" I notice something as everybody besides, me, stan, kenny, cartman and my parents leave the scene of depressing drama.
"How come Ike's tombstone has a Canadian flag on it?"
It's strange really. Why would Ike have a flag other than America on his tombstone? There's something fucking going on here, and I bet it's bullshit.
Born a Canadian, died an American was what was scripted on the tombstone's bottom.
"Well Kyle, there's something you need to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted" explained my mother.
See, I knew there was something I was fucking missing here! How Ike always had a flappy head, instead of a normal head, how every time I asked about my 'brother' they shut my questions down, and then looking worriedly at each other after. It was so goddamn obvious that I would be fucking stupid again if I got it wrong for the second time.
"He really wasn't a brovolski, he was Canadian but we loved him all the same"
Not really a part of our family name, was a Canadian, he got adopted by my parents and was taken away from his other family. His real family.
All the lies, all the fucked up lies of telling me Ike was my brother and just had his head messed up even though he's Canadian! Goddamn it!
"You mean all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?" I question upset, then pissed the hell off as I'm hearing the truth come out of my parents mouths. Whether they're penis murdering people, I don't care anymore that Ike will have his wiener chopped, sliced off. He's not my responsibility anymore. I didn't even want to think about Ike right now, he's a Canadian, not my brother. Nothing else to it, or is there something more they're not telling their real son?
"What are you talking about?" My mom questions confused as hell at what I'm stating to her.
Getting even more pissed, but toning the anger down after being lied to most of my life, I tell them the truth too. About how Ike is alive after all, and in Nebraska.
"Dude Ike isn't dead! He's in Nebraska"
That got my mom to say her signature yell of 'what, what, what?!' That's bullshit, just like all the lies you've been saying about Ike being my brother!
"Dude you should'nt have done that" Stan tells me as mom and dad are too shocked to move and walk towards us.
"Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis"
So what Stan? All the deep inside love I felt for Ike despite the game of 'Kick the baby' has vanished. It really went away quickly after I learned the truth about who Ike really is.
"Fireman" cartman said with being a smartass.
I qqqq was
Cartman, you say fireman again, and I'll rip out your own . It'll be hard without cartman crying about it, but maybe he'll learn not to mess with my head, and emotions. Fuck no, that's a lie.
"Who the hell cares? It's not my responsibility anymore"
There I said it. Well, out loud. I meant what I said about Ike being no longer my responsibility. I had the urge to glare hard and frostily at my parents, the fucking liars themselves. They should've told me told the truth from the start! I'd definitely be less boiled over than I am now.
A thud to the ground causes my curiosity to form while my anger is still winning being the first emotion, the major emotion running through my mind.
Then a sound as if somebody ripped an object out of the ground that has been rooted there for god knows how long, took place, bumping the emotion of curiosity just a little more, but anger still in the lead.
"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
Who couldn't see that coming? Instead of reacting and acting like Stan did, I grit out my line bitterly, instead of putting it into a yell. I would do it in a yell if I didn't have most of my life of lies told by my parents coursing through my brain.
"You bastards"
I should be telling that to my parents, the goddamn liars they are, instead of just going along with Stan and calling whatever killed Kenny this time, a bastard.
(Train station)
Getting off the train at last, and having to glare at my parents the whole time with my arms crossed, my mood stubborn to not tell them anything as where I dropped off Ike, how the hell should I know, I dropped him off at the South Park train station we left at.
"Now, where did you leave him young man?"
My mom sounded as angered as somebody would getting an animal up their ass. Or a couple considering how much my mom weighs. Jesus Christ am I still pissed off at her. And dad.
"How the hell should I know?" I demand, harshly reminding my mother that I am fucking pissed off at her and will continue to be a child full of anger.
"Gerald, do something about your smartass son!"
My dad got brought up in the conversation by my... I can't believe I'm saying this.. my bitch of a mother.
That's how pissed I was, I was gonna pull something only cartman would do and call her a bitch. I wonder what will happen and how she'll react. I'm sure it'll be not an insult, but just as a reminder to what she is.
"Uh.. mind your.. mother smartass"
Great way to shut me up dad. Like fucking hell will I do that, so don't tell me to mind the person who has lied the most! Mothers can be deceiving liars. So can dads, but dad seems to be just going on with my mother and not actually standing up for himself. That's fucking strange though of dad to not really speak up.
But no matter, just be pissed off at them for all the lies they told you, and make them apologize for being liars in the first place! I'm not saying sorry for how I'm treating them until they say sorry for treating me with messed up lies of Ike being my brother!
"If we don't find him, so help me you're gonna be grounded for a month!"
Like that's gonna keep my anger down. Like that's gonna make me give in to her. She might be lying to me right now about it being a month, it could be even longer. God fuck!
Mom and dad start looking in the dumbest places. Mom looks underneath a bench, and dad looks in a freaking trash can. Like Ike would be in either one of those! Use your mind and think of where your fake son could be!
I grumbled like the eight year old I am, "all this time 'look out for your little brother Kyle', 'take care of your little brother Kyle' and he wasn't even my little brother"
Dad stops looking in the trash, and tries to say something that will make me think of how I'm acting. He tried, but horribly.
"Kyle, just because Ike is adopted, doesn't make him any less your brother"
Scoff. Yeah right. I even did the same physically to my dad, instead of just mentally in my mind.
"Excuse me, we're looking for a 2 year old Canadian boy" my mom says to some overall wearing fucker.
"2 year old Canadian boy, 2 old Canadian boy.." the fucker reply's in thinking. Stop saying what you're thinking, and do your job of giving information asshole!
"Oh, I think they might have one of those at Hap's bar"
So I guess we're really looking for him. I thought Ike wasn't even our responsibility anymore! He's an adopted Canadian. Not from our country, not even blood related to us! So I don't fucking understand why we need to help him, to find him! Maybe it would've been better if I just didn't tell my parents shit.
(Hap's bar, where Ike supposedly is)
It smelled like shit. Well, it's a bar after all, the smell of liquor can do that to you, specifically me as an eight year old, who doesn't do bullcrap with drinking.
But turns out Ike was here. His head holding the bottom of a table to keep it in place, without a freaking care whether his head is getting crushed by a table top.
"Ike!" My mom exclaims in relieving joy, happy to see Ike who's not even related to her. I wish my mother would have some common sense about what family she has, and one who's been apart of it and shouldn't be, should be with his other family. His Canadian family.
My mom then begins kissing the kid and hugging him. If I still loved Ike, as the anger is clouding my heart and mind upon seeing him, I would have hugged him too. But it's pointless as my love for him in the past has transformed into just annoyed ire.
"Hey lady! That's my table post! You can't have that!" Shouted the bartender, angered that we were stealing something from his bar, acting as if Ike was his the whole time Ike was here. Well guess what motherfucker, the only thing you own is what little money you make with working in a crappy bar. So Shut your goddamn mouth about what customers take and make yourself drunk or something else stupid.
(Back to Kyle's house)
"Now you march to your room, and think about what you've done"
My head was bowed down as I listen to my father reprimand me on my behavior, he wouldn't say fucked up, and my mom has the audacity to say for me to apologize to my brother.
Mom, you don't understand! He's not my brother!
"He's not my brother!" I protest in anger.
"Apologize to him!" My dad is insisting I say sorry for all the things I did with vexed ire. Ignoring Ike being in a state where he really doesn't belong in, not caring whether we find him or not, and the most frequent one: removing Ike from being my brother, that title is gone, it's existence already faded.
I give a heated growl, only for some seconds before I grit out "I'm sorry Ike"
Getting the fuck out out of this living room, I speedily walk to my room with the door opened, but I slam it for good measure wth my anger still taking control.
(Kyle's room: Cartman, Kenny and Kyle are present)
The muffled sound of talking from a bunch of people were coming through my door. I was still in my room, sitting on my bed, with fatass and my best friend Stan standing on the floor.
"Well, I guess the choppings about to commence"
Shut the fuck up fatass! You don't need to bring up events of me trying to save Ike from my parents.
The door creaks as it opens up a little, and I'm thinking, who the hell is coming in here?
It was Ike. Holding a purple book. What the hell is he doing here?
"Hold this for me"
That I understood. But what the hell does he want, especially with the person who's been treating him like shit, who actually doesn't care about whether or not he's hurt inside.
"What do you want?" I harshly ask the Canadian.
He mutters something only he could understand, but I don't know shit of what the little fucker said.
My anger is still standing, as you could tell, and it doesn't help when Ike is pointing to the pictures of him and I. One picture was of me holding him a few months old, in a little blanket to keep him warm, and
we were both smiling and acting like family. Me, the older brother, and him, the young one.
"Oh no you don't. That's not gonna go through with me, Canadian."
I just wanted him to leave me alone, but it was not working! Why can't he see that I don't care for him anymore?
"Maybe you're being a little too hard on him dude"
Stan, he's a little toddler Canadian who's not even related to me in any way! I don't even think I love him anymore. The caring and love I felt down deep for him, was in the past... and should stay in the freaking past as I don't bother with Ike anymore!
"No way, there's no connection between us" The next words were already formed on my tongue and I had to spit it out.
"It was all a big lie"
Ike puts the photo album of us down slightly and flips over some pages.
"Cookie monster. Two, three, four, five"
Enough with this trickery! Get out of here Ike! Don't make me the kick the baby not in a way which we both laugh, but in a way as in I'll hurt you with a forceful kick.
"Go on Canadian! Beat it! I'm through with getting in trouble for you!"
Ike bounces over to my closet, and sports the hat I wear everyday, on his little head. My heart wants to warm up with not anymore anger and laugh at him and forgive him, but my mind is winning with the anger only warming my heart up with rage.
But, as I look on at him with my hands holding the photo album, I feel a different emotion creeping it's way up in my heart. But it doesn't show anywhere on my face, just inside my body. What could be so important for a different emotion to come creeping it's way around me? But I didn't push it away, whatever it was inside me, it stayed there.
(Kyle's room, Ike is no longer in room)
Ike was no longer here, he left sad and defeated, and put my hat back in my closet, before giving a look of saying 'please stop this' and he leaves me
pondering ... pondering rather upset in my own way.
He gives me a photo album to remind me of how much we are family.
But, it's just a photo album, my brain reminds me sternly. But it's not just a photo album. Those are pictures of a past, a very happy familial time between two brothers.
But you're not even related! True, but now as Ike left, my mind keeps the anger coursing through me lower than it was before. It's still there, but now I actually get to contemplate the events of what has happened with my causing and ... the look on Ike's face as he realized his only sibling he's ever known doesn't care for him anymore.
Sigh. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
The door opens up again, and I look upon it as I was studying each picture of Ike and I. We had some nice times didn't we? Sure enough it was Ike, and he looks on at me and I to him. There was some fear in his eyes and a desperate look within that I really didn't know what to do.
"Ike?"
It was a man's voice, a man who sounded as if he was gonna do the job of cutting off Ike's penis. Or was he some random stranger that was supposedly related to me that I don't know hell about?
"Ike?"
Hearing his name called by the man a second time, he jumps up to me, sits on my lap and wraps his little arms around me in a hug.
I didn't know what to say. No really, I didn't. The person who I was treating like crap these past few days, was hugging me as if he didn't want to let go of me, his brother he would say if he spoke more clearly.
"There you are"
I was looking down at Ike first, my arms wrapped around him too, but not actually hugging him back. But you know what? I think I'm convinced, moved, whatever the word is, I'm all for it as I look on at this dude even fatter than cartman. He's like a jumbo fatass. The jumbo fatass dude with a Jewish cap on was holding a tool only for circumcising young boys, now it has a new victim to penis murder.
Ike, my .. little brother. Ike is my little brother. He always has been. Now it's a realization, a realization that has manifested itself in my mind, and now with the rage gone from hurting Ike emotionally, I was already full of anger but in a different way. I was gonna protect Ike like an older brother should, and defend him from having my penis murdering parents win for a sliced off wiener.
"You stay away from my little brother!" I yell hugging Ike now in protection, as I'm warning this fatass man to stay away from Ike, before I go in a mode of rage where is when he doesn't listen and continues to reach out after Ike, and then I leap on him and stick the circumcision scissors he's holding into his eye.
"But son, I was just—"
That as far as he got before my words came back even stronger, interrupting his sorry ass.
"You're not gonna cut off his wee wee! Not today you sick ass weirdo!"
"Kyle, what are you talking about?" My mother enters my door, and that's gets me more pissed at her. No more anger for the fucked up lies, but I have newly formed anger to give to her, she's a penis murderer! I'msupposedto protect Ike from people like her! Goddamn, I should have done this before, but I was so blinded by anger and hatred towards Ike and my parents for the fucked up lies that I didn't really bother with either one of them.
I still hold Ike with one arm, while the other fiercely points at her and gives her a piece of my mind in short summary about how important penis's are to us.
"And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!"
Then fatass, once quiet, was speaking up about the same topic. I realized I said firemen instead of a fucking penis that likes to fuck. They're the same thing having to do with a wiener.
"Yes, the firemen is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye"
Sex, cum, all that shit we're talking about here.
Looking over at Stan, he's at a blank. He's got nothing to say about wieners.
"Kyle, a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have" says the goddamn circumcising fatass of a man.
"His father had it, his grandfather had it, and.. his brother had it". He points at me upon saying brother. I react with upsetting shock. No! There's no way! I mean yes I'm Jewish, but to actually do the shit as a baby of getting my fucking penis sliced off, is a lie. I still have it! So it isn't true! You assholing dicks of trying to lie to an eight year old! I guess I should say 'fuck you!' but that might be a little extreme to my mom. But the guy with the circumcising scissors not in his eyes but in his hands I don't give a damn about his sorry ass. As long as his ass doesn't come anywhere near Ike and
I, then he'll be safe.
But ... "No! No it isn't true!" I protest to the penis murdering adults. I wonder how many wieners this Jewish man has hung on his walls. He might even play with the sliced off penis's! Well, he's not doing it to my brother!
"We're not gonna cut it off! We're just gonna snip it so that it looks bigger"
Hold the fuck up. So you're telling me that all of this I went through for Ike was just a .. a big lie? No penis murdering, no wiener slicing? (it's the same goddamn thing) So Ike is free from having his most important body part getting slaughtered. That's a relief of the fact that I was gonna defend Ike and hold them back. So, they're not wiener murderers after all. They're just ... making sure Ike will have one of the best penis's around for sex. I'm sure if Kenny was here, he would jump with perverted excitement and get hard at the fact that his penis will be harder, stronger and more fired up.
So that's explaining how my penis was always with me.
Even cartman and Stan thought that the idea of snipping a growing penis kicks ass, they're not even Jewish and wanna have a circumcision.
(The bris itself)
We are all gathered here today, in a tight ass circle with little to no space, to celebrate Ike's ceremony.
Ike naked on the table, me closest to him, and the rest of the adults giving him space, if that's freaking possible, as they wanted to see the top of a penis being nicked off, and the amount of how close we were together.
"It's ok Ike, I'm here" I reassured him, patting his arm for good measure. I can't believe how I changed so quickly towards him. First it was just kick the baby, with protectiveness deep down inside me, then all the family love I felt him for him erased as slow as those thick useless erasers, and then it all came back, in a positive way.
"And a one, two, and .. bris!"
The well meaning snip comes forth and now, it's done. Ike's done, I'm done standing and frankly so are Stan and Cartman. We all fell to the floor in some pathetic attempt of a faint.
We didn't do it on purpose, probably just from the cutting off of the wieners head. But whatever, it's over with, and Ike comes over to me, unharmed. I really had nothing to worry about after all.
I get up and so do stan and cartman.
"Woah dude. I guess having a bris isn't all that bad"
I guess so stan. I've come to something well meaning and interesting to know. Blood doesn't make family, it doesn't matter whose blood you have, whether it be adopted or actual, what matters is that actual love puts a family together, and keeps it in place.
"Yea, and you know I've learned something today. Family doesn't matter with whose blood you have, what matters is who you care about"
I care about Ike, more than just deep down, and so do I care about my best friends. Don't have that much, but the friends I've been having since really young matter the most.
"And I feel like you guys are more than just friends, you're my family"
Holding Ike's hand and pulling him away, a thought enters my mind. I'm not calling fatass my family. He's too much of a racist, manipulative, assholing son of a bitch to even like, let alone welcome him in my family.
"Expect for Cartman"
Stan agreed, we both loathe him but at times we do help him. It's some curse that has bestowed upon us, and the others. It's like we actually give a damn about the chubby bastard.
Cartman looks offended but brushed it off by yelling "Hey! Screw you guys, I don't wanna be in your penis chopping family anyway!"
Whatever cartman. You could stay out of my family all you want, and all I want too as I loathe his bloated ass. I already forgave my parents when the penis snipping man made his point clear that he's not a penis murderer, just a penis helper.
Everything's gonna be.. okay.
I didn't know how to finish off the rest of the story, but I tried, as well with Kyle's thoughts. It's my first South Park story after all.