Welcome to Lambo's Corner!
So, I've been struggling a bit, and as you know, writing helps me feel better. Please take a minute to let me know what you think. I would really appreciate it and it makes the hurt I put Lambo through worth it. Sorry, kiddo.
Warnings: Negative thoughts, language, probably riddled with mistakes, and...that's it.
Thank you for your continued support, it means the world. Also, thank you, Grammarly for looking this over. I shall look over it again at a later time, maybe, but if you see something that needs correcting, let me know.
Disclaimer: I don't own, I'm still poor.
Without further ado, the fourth part in my Famiglia Means Never Alone series. I'm sorry, Lambo!
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One of the major downsides to being human, is that nobody is perfect. No matter how much somebody loves you, those same people will hurt you - many times without meaning to. They will make promises with every intention of keeping to them but life happens; promises are broken. Unfortunately, those broken promises may lead to serious consequences.
Lambo knows his family would willingly lay their lives down for him; he'd do the same for them. They have been through so much throughout the years; always together, he barely remembers a time when they weren't nearby. From a scraped knee, to a dangerously high fever, his famiglia has always been there for him. After his failed suicide attempt, they became even closer.
There's an animal documentary playing on the television across from Lambo; the narrator explaining how animals communicate with each other. There are different ways for them to talk to each other: through pheromones, auditory cues, visual cues, or tactile cues. It's fascinating!
Birds tend to use auditory communications which means they use sound to talk to each other. A common swallow will make sounds to attract mates, defend their home, coordinate as a unit, and to alert others of potential dangers. It's amazing how they're able to understand and help each other without needing words.
The Tenth Generation of Vongola is a famiglia where words are not always needed but sometimes it helps having them around. Which is ironic because for the past few days, Lambo has been trying to use his words but his "amazing" famiglia can't seem to understand that he's asking for some help.
Tsuna had promised to always be there for Lambo; especially after that terrifying ordeal with the whole taking a knife to his wrist. He had promised to always be there for him whether in person, by proxy, or a simple call away. He'd also said if he wasn't available, then Lambo had a lot of family members to go to instead.
A car honks outside and Lambo covers his ears tightly, trying to muffle the sound. For the past few days, he's been feeling alone and anxious. If there's a lot of noise, or if the lights are too bright, he feels trapped. It's as if he's losing control of his senses and everything is coming at him in waves. He knew he was suffering a bad episode of depression and anxiety; he could feel it trying to choke him. It could not have come at a worse time.
Vongola had been attacked two weeks ago in Italy which meant everyone was working hard to find and neutralize the threat. Even Hibari and his men had been requested to go help. The Arcobaleno, Cavallone, I-Pin, Fuuta, even Bianchi are over there. Lambo knows his family didn't do it on purpose; to make him feel left out and abandoned. As their fight went on, somebody else's expertise was needed and one by one, they left - leaving Lambo alone.
With Mama gone on vacation, Lambo was left with his elderly neighbor who had suffered a mild heart attack the day after. She was still in the hospital which meant the teen was completely alone. He had tried telling Tsuna about his situation but the Tenth had apologized and said he'd call him back later. That had been four days go.
The next morning, Lambo had woken up in a sweat, his skin warm and clammy. His chest hurt, he couldn't breathe, and he began throwing up. He felt like dying. His scar was pulsing on his wrist and he knew he was heading to a bad place. When he realized he was having a severe anxiety attack, he'd tried calling his brothers all of whom had ignored his calls. He didn't blame them, they could have been in the middle of a battle for all he knew but he had promised to call somebody and ask for help.
Next, he tried the Varia who again, ignored his calls. He tried Dino, Romario, Shoichi, Spanner, even Ken and Chikusa but nobody answered. Lambo knows it's all unfortunate luck but he feels sick. He knows his mind is messing with him but he can't shut it up. His family loves him, his family wouldn't abandon him. Except...they did.
He had been pacing back and forth in the living room, all noises bothering him. The lights had bugged him so he'd turned them all off. But then it was too quiet so he'd turned the tv on which is where he'd started watching the documentary. Animal communication. Interesting.
For almost half an hour, Lambo learned all about the communication between animals, but he was done with it now. He stood up and wrung his hands together, needing them to do something which wouldn't include a dangerous weapon. He was getting hot again, he could feel his heart beating faster and faster and he knows he's losing control. He can't stop the tears from falling when he thinks about his family abandoning him.
"It's not true, they didn't abandon me," He keeps telling himself but his mind is good. Reminding him of all the times they'd forgotten about him, leaving him behind by himself, and just recently how they'd all ignored his call for help. He needed them and nobody was able to spare a minute. He's crying now and he doesn't know how to make the pain stop. He needs air. He needs to be able to breathe again.
He knows better than to just walk out without informing anyone so he decides to write down a quick note in case somebody comes looking for him. Lambo grabs a piece of paper and pen and jots down a short letter. He places it on the kitchen table with the salt shaker on top to hold it in place.
Just as he's about to head to the door, his stomach does a somersault and he barely manages to reach the trash can. He throws up whatever little he had left over from last night's dinner and cries. He feels sick. He feels bad. Why did his family leave him?
The teen wipes his mouth on his sleeve, wondering when everything went wrong. He quickly rinses his mouth on the kitchen sink, knowing he needs to get out of this lonely house. He reaches his arm to put the glass away but trips in the process. The glass falls from his hand, hitting the floor where it bursts into pieces. He stares at the glass shards with glossy eyes, his mind wandering into dangerous territory. He shakes his head and quickly rushes out after hastily putting on his shoes. He doesn't bother locking the door, not really thinking about it as he sprints towards the place he knows will help.
The hustle and bustle of the city grates on his nerves. There is too much noise, too much going on and Lambo can't stand it. He's crying, he feels sick, his chest hurts, he's barely able to breathe through short gasps, and he's been abandoned by his family. When did they start pulling away?
"They didn't do it on purpose, they wouldn't,"
"But they did. Why else would they stop answering your calls and leave you behind when everybody else had been asked to go? You feel it, Lambo. You feel how much they've drifted away from you even when you tried your best to talk to them."
He cries harder because it's true. He can almost physically feel how distant he's become with his family. The last few times they'd spoken, he could feel their frustration towards him. He knows he's been calling them more often but he'd needed them. In fact, he'd tried to force himself into their circle by trying to be funny but that had backfired terribly. Yamamoto had needed to ground him which honestly had broken the teen's heart.
All he'd wanted from them had been a sincere smile. Something to let him know they still enjoyed having him around; that he was still one of them and wanted.
"See, it's nothing new. They'd been getting tired of you for a while now. They don't need you, they have enough family."
Lambo reaches the entrance to the forest and only stops for a second to catch his breath. Whenever he felt down, he'd ask Kusakabe to take him to a place by the river; peace and serenity is what he found there. Unfortunately, he can never seem to find it on his own. It can't be too hard to find, he just hasn't tried on his own.
The trees are huge; the sun is shining brightly which means he has more than enough time to get in and get out before it gets dark. With a deep breath, he walks in. Ignoring the nagging feeling telling him to stop. The forest can't be that big. What's the worst that can happen?
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Four days.
Four freaking days Lambo has been wandering around the forest without a clue as to how to get out. He'd walked in almost certain he would remember how to get to the river but after an hour of walking in circles, he'd known he was lost. In his defense, all the trees look the same, who had the bright idea to make them all look the same? Thankfully, just this morning he'd found one tree which did not look like the others. This one was huge as well but it was hollowed out which provided some great relief from the scorching sun.
The teen was tired, hungry, thirsty, and the worst part was he was finding it hard to care. He'd fallen off a small cliff...two days ago? So he was covered in scratches, bruises, and he was sure his right wrist was sprained but that pain was nothing compared to his broken heart. Four days later and his family probably had no idea he was even missing. If he died out here, that was fine with him.
He curled around himself more, feeling sleepy even though he knew it was past noon. His head hurt, he was sunburnt, he felt dizzy each time he tried to stand up, he was sure he had a slight fever, and he didn't care. Lambo knows that alone should worry him but he can't find it in himself to care. His family didn't want him, they'd already moved on without him just like Lady Bovino had said they would.
"You were right, Mother. You were right," He mumbled with his eyes closed. What will she say when news of his death reaches the Bovinos? Will they laugh and say it was expected?
"Nobody wanted him, nobody will miss him. The world is better off with him gone."
"You're probably right, Mother. I still hate you."
"You should just end your miserable life now. Although, you can't even properly do that, can you?"
"You're a bitch, a crazy old bitch but you're right. I can't even kill myself properly. I hate myself so much,"
Lambo wants to cry but no tears come out. He's so thirsty. He was lucky it had rained a bit last night; he'd been able to drink some water then but now, he really wants to drink a whole gallon of it.
Ignoring his mother's voice, Lambo feels like letting go. He's just so tired of everything. "You win, Mom. You win. I'm done fighting. You win." The teen whispers into the air as he feels himself letting go.
"Like hell that fucking bitch is winning,"
Lambo feels a strong set of arms shaking him, making his headache worse. "Leave me alone,"
"Do you know how long we've been extremely looking for you? We are never leaving you again,"
"You're never leaving me? I've heard that one before. Just leave me alone now so we save ourselves the trouble." The teen almost growls but he's too weak to really put up a protest.
Lambo feels himself being pulled outside of his cool shelter and he groans as he gets ready to be put under the sun. Only, he's surprised when he slowly opens his eyes and realizes the sun is gone - the moon up in its place. When the hell had that happened?
"Lambo, we didn't leave you."
The teen tries to glare at Ryohei but he's not sure if the Sun Guardian can see him in the dark. "Yes, you did. I don't care, though. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Everybody gets tired of me. You guys just lasted much longer than the others."
The teen closes his eyes again, almost involuntarily. He feels Gokudera sitting him up on the ground but Lambo doesn't want to cooperate. Not on purpose, though. His body is so damn weak. He would have fallen on his side if not for Gokudera's quick reflexes.
"Shit, he's so stiff."
"We need to get him to Shamal, now."
Lambo shakes his head. At least, he thinks he does. "Let me die, please? Pretend you didn't find me and leave me here. Everybody will be better off anyway."
He can feel the tension growing between his brothers but he doesn't care if they're mad from being told what to do.
"Lambo, are you having suicidal thoughts?"
The teen can't remember the last time Ryohei sounded so deadly serious but with a hint of panic in his voice. Wait, suicidal thoughts?"
"What?" He asks as Gokudera forces him to drink some water. He'd completely forgotten how thirsty he was until the cool liquid filled his mouth. He grabbed the bottle as if his life depended on it but his brother made sure to pull it away every few sips.
"Take it easy, I don't want you getting sick. You've been out here for five days and I'm sure you haven't eaten anything in that long."
Five days? Wow, he really lost track of time. That explained why he was so sleepy.
"Hey, are you having suicidal thoughts?" Ryohei asks again, his hand gently caressing the youngest's head. Lambo feels like his head weighs a ton but he manages to look up at his brother, looking away from the flashlight in his hand.
"No, but if I were to die right now I wouldn't care. I don't want to die like I did last time, but I won't fight it either. I'm just tired of everything, guys. Please, can't you just leave me? I know I'll be a problem less for Vongola, nobody needs me." He adds the last part in a whisper but they hear him.
"How can you say that? Do you have any idea how EXTREMELY worried we've been? We haven't stopped searching for you since we realized you were gone!"
Lambo flinches at the anger in his brother's voice. Why was he mad? Lambo is the one who should be mad. "When did you realize I was missing, yesterday?"
"Of course not, stupid. We realized five days ago and immediately started searching for you."
"Yeah, right. Two weeks of trying to get ahold of anyone without success but you realized I was gone that quick?" Lambo shakes his head but that makes his pain worse. Shaking head? Bad idea.
"We were caught up with the attack on Vongola but we didn't forget you. We knew old lady Shuga was watching you so we thought you were fine."
"We had no idea she'd been hospitalized until Lemitsu forced his way into our temporary base on Mama's orders. We didn't know our lines were being tampered with so he had to physically go tell us. He told Juudaime old lady Shuga had been hospitalized and you were missing. He told us about your letter…"
Lambo's brain is working at minimal capacity at the moment. He tries to remember if he left a letter but he comes up with nothing. "What letter?"
Ryohei and Gokudera exchange worried glances. "The one where you said you were going for a walk but needed help. Thanks for the fucking scare, by the way. Juudaime nearly had a heart attack."
"We were all worried. We're glad we found you in time,"
"In time for what?"
The Sun Guardian nods, "Now, he needs medical attention, now."
Gokudera helps a stubborn Lambo onto Ryohei's back, the teen wincing when his right wrist is jostled too much.
The Storm Guardian sees it, "What happened to your arm?"
Lambo shrugs, resting his head against his brother's shoulder in defeat. "You should have just left me," He mumbled before giving in to the darkness calling his name. "My mom was right,"
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Ever since he could walk, Lambo has had the terrible habit of sneaking around his home. With the Bovino's it was usually to avoid being caught and hurt. He never knew if his cousin was in a bad mood or if his parents needed to vent out their frustrations so he'd learned to be sneaky as he ran through the estate.
When he moved in with Tsuna, his sneaking changed from self preservation to terrifying ninja trying to scare everyone. He learned to pick out the best times to be sneaky. Like when people were whispering, he knew there was a juicy secret waiting to be discovered by the amazing Lambo-san.
Right now, he can hear voices nearby, whispering. There's a secret waiting to be discovered. Lambo groans softly as he slowly opens his eyes which feel terrible by the way. The ceiling is offwhite, plain and boring. Kind of like the stupid color Lambo is used to seeing in a hospital. He's in a hospital bed, an IV attached to him, a brace on his right wrist, as well as a heart monitor but there's something else - what?
He raises his head to get a better look at his hands, he needs to make sure he isn't seeing things. Lambo feels anger course through his being at the sight. He's in a hospital bed, with restraints. He's being restrained. By his own family!
Lambo wants to scream, he wants to curse at whoever thought this was ok. Why would they put these on him? Did they think he was going to run away or something?
He freezes. The memories from the last few weeks almost physically pushing him back into the bed. He had run away; kind of. He'd also felt sick, having a terrible anxiety attack like never before. He'd gotten lost in the forest for a few days, had almost died, been found by Gokudera and Ryohei, then he'd...he groans. Lambo had said something about being left behind. Damn it, he can't remember exactly what was said but that might explain the restraints. Still, he's not crazy. This just adds to the hurt.
The whispering is still going on outside the room - the door open. Lambo can see down the hall and realizes he's in the Foundation's infirmary. Great, that means he's gonna get a lecture plus extra training. Maybe he can figure out a way to get out of these things before somebody realizes he's awake and-
Slam
Lambo had just managed to sit up far enough to see the restraints when something, a loud bang sounds from outside the room. He fell back in bed, heart beating fast as he worried over what was going on outside. Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long.
"Ryohei, he's going to be alright."
Lambo tried to move his head a little closer to the door but the restraints held him in place. He could make out Tsuna's voice talking to Ryohei, it seemed.
"You didn't hear him, Tsuna. He wanted us to leave him there; to die! He was ready to die and he didn't care."
Lambo lowers his head in shame. He doesn't remember saying that but it sounds familiar. It looks like he's causing his family problems again. How typical of him. That definitely explains the restraints.
"We left him alone, completely alone again. I can't imagine how he must have felt each time he called one of us only to be ignored. He EXTREMELY called our whole network! How could this have happened?"
Lambo would like to know that too. He had been feeling like utter crap and nobody had called him back. What the hell is up with that?
"That's the problem - we did try calling him back."
Lambo lifts an eyebrow. 'No, the fuck they did not,'
"But...what?"
The teen hears his big brother sigh and Lambo can just imagine him running a hand through his dark brown hair.
"Our silly little brother didn't realize he had his phone on do not disturb."
There's silence for a minute. Lambo tries to think back to when he first started calling people but he can't remember. The time he was anxious seems like a blur, everything kind of fuzzy in his mind. Had he accidentally turned on the do not disturb feature on his phone?
No. There is no way all of this could have been avoided so easily. No. Freaking. Way.
"When we realized he'd been trying to call all of us, we called him back but it went straight to voicemail. After a few hours of not hearing back from him, we thought something might be wrong."
"That's when you called the others to head back here. I find it hard to believe. I mean, the chances of that happening are extremely low,"
"Trust our Lambo to beat the odds. Again." The undeniable smile in his brother's voice lets Lambo know the worst has passed. He's gonna be ok.
The teen can only stare at the ceiling. He'd messed up and had tried blaming it on his brothers. If his anxiety hadn't been as bad as it had been, would he have noticed? Would all of this never had happened?
Maybe. Those thoughts of giving up hadn't scared him as they should have. He really had been ready to throw in the towel and fade into the afterlife. Lambo would still have done something stupid to try and ease his pain but it definitely would not have been this difficult. He knows he would have called for help, somebody would have called back, somebody would have arrived as soon as possible and help him through his episode.
That would have been so much easier. Stupid Lambo and his stupid mistakes. He closes his eyes as tears stream down the sides of his face. He hates this. He hates feeling like a burden. He hates all these negative feelings that invade his mind trying to make him believe nothing is worth it.
It's a constant battle that his brothers can't possibly understand unless they're experiencing it themselves. That's something Lambo would never wish upon them. This fighting with his own mind is physically draining as well as emotionally and he's tired of it. He wants it to be over.
"I give up already," He tells himself. It's too much for him to handle on his own.
The slight tap to his head makes him snap his eyes open. He's embarrassed to be seen in such a pathetic state but he can't do anything about it.
"You give up? After everything you've been through, you give up?" Ryohei asks with narrowed eyes as he undoes the left restraint, Tsuna taking care of the other. Lambo can't help but shrink back as much as he can. The wave of anger from the Sun Guardian is hitting him full force and Lambo does not like it. In fact, it irritates him.
"Yes, I give up. You have no idea how I'm feeling, none. You can't understand how much I hate these feelings of being left out, abandoned - of being unwanted while at the same time knowing they're not true. I feel like I'm looking at a red car but my mind is saying no, it's blue. I'm tired of arguing with myself. I'm tired of telling myself to shut up. I can't keep doing this, Ryo-nii,"
The Sun Guardian sits Lambo up before wrapping his arms tightly around their youngest brother. The teen starts crying again, hating himself more for it.
"I'm so tired of everything,"
Ryohei holds him. It almost feels like the older man is trying to pull all negativity from Lambo's shaking form by simply hugging him.
"I'm sorry I can't be stronger,"
Lambo is pushed back to where he can see Ryohei's watery eyes. "You are one of the strongest people I know."
The teen shakes his head, "Ryo-nii, that's a lie. Look at me, you guys had me in restraints for a reason."
"The restraints were only temporary. You had a high fever and kept thrashing about, we didn't want you to hurt yourself more than you already were." Tsuna tells him from his right. "But they're gone. No more, ok?"
Lambo nods, understanding and feeling relieved it wasn't because they thought he was crazy. Ryohei, pulls the teen's chin up to look at him.
"Listen to me. You are one of the strongest people I know. We've all fought against powerful enemies, but none of us has had to constantly fight ourselves like you do to the extreme. All this time and you're still here; fighting and winning. That's not going to change."
"But I'm tired, I can't keep fighting. I'm tired, Ryo-nii."
Ryohei puts his hands on the teen's shoulders, making sure to look into Lambo's eyes. "Then stop fighting,"
That takes a second to process. "Huh?"
"Stop fighting, take a break. Take an extreme vacation and stop worrying about what your mind is telling you."
"I don't think you understand how this works,"
Ryohei laughs and the sounds makes Lambo smile. "You can take as long a break as you want. You have an EXTREME famiglia ready to take over. We'll let those negative thoughts know they can go to hell by themselves. You're one of us, you're our brother and there is no way we're letting you go. Ever."
Lambo grabs onto his brother, crying as he does. How could he ever believe those thoughts saying he's unwanted? There's no way he's unwanted. "I feel like I'm not worth the trouble," He finally says out loud.
"Are you kidding? If we can put up with two fucking psychopaths, we can put up with one snot nosed brat."
"You're worth all the trouble you can possibly think of, Lambo. Haha It's a great adventure to live,"
"You're no trouble at all, Lambo. Uh, I'm glad you're my brother."
"If my darling Chrome says you're no trouble, I suppose I have no choice but to believe it for now. Kufufu,"
"You should know by now I don't tolerate troublemakers. I immediately bite them to death. Ask yourself, why then, are you still here?"
Lambo sniffs, wiping his nose on the tissue his brother hands him. He looks at his family standing by the door, all of his fellow guardians seeming to be keeping guard over him. He feels the tightness in his chest loosen, filling with love instead.
He turns to his right when Tsuna ruffles his hair. The Tenth is giving Lambo a bright, warm smile and Lambo can't help but want to cry again.
"You're not alone, little brother. You're never alone. Like Ryohei said, take a break. We'll take care of everything else. We love you, Lambo. Never forget that."
The teen smiles. It's watery and shaky but genuine. His family doesn't need words to show they love him, but it sure does feel good to hear them anyway.
"Do you want to know a fascinating fact about animals communicating with each other?"
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This concludes part four of Famiglia Means Never Alone. This was straight from the heart, pure and a bit raw. Please let me know what you thought? Thanks in advance.
Also, I should be posting "K" in my Lambo ABCs whumps soon. I'm sorry it's taken me forever.
See you next time in Lambo's Corner. You do not want to miss it!