Drunk On Shadows
"Do you," Katie starts and she wants to say think but really there's no fucking thinking involved is there.
"Do I what," Effy asks, sounding bored and muffled by the darkness.
"Nothing," Katie responds and reaches for Effy's hand underneath the duvet, trying to ignore as Effy stiffens against the touch.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it really wasn't. The boyfriend stealing, the snipes, the anger, the fucking rock. All of that most certainly didn't lead up to this.
Katie pulls away and hears Effy sigh. It's not her fault really. It's not her fault that she's sort of in love with Effy. After all, isn't everyone? Its not love really, at least that what she tells herself. Effy's just Effy. And she has long brown hair that sometimes curls when she doesn't straighten it and those big eyes that are always just a little too knowing and fingers, God slender long and incredible fucking fingers.
--
It started innocently enough. Well, as innocently as anything involving Katie, Effy, a club, and a fuckton of MDMA could start out. The rock was history, or at least that's what Katie was trying to show everyone. Sure invite Effy out with us, we'll all get smashed together, like old times.
Only those old times were really gone. Effy no longer pretended to be her friend. Panda and Thomas watched each other with guarded eyes and Emily and Naomi had turned into EmilyNaomi.
Katie had danced with J.J. for a bit because even though he always got locked on and had fucked her gay sister, Katie deemed him like the only one in the group that was safe. Katie had actually been managing a laugh or two, drugged up and just letting loose with J.J. and she'd actually forgotten how much more fun drugs could make things.
It's probably why she wasn't prepared for it. Not prepared at all for Effy sliding up beside her like a ghost. She'd apologized months ago and Katie had mumbled, "whatever," and it was supposed to have been sorted, just as easily as that. It really wasn't but…yeah like Katie had said--whatever.
J.J. shifted away nervously and kind of abandoned Katie to Effy in a way. It sort of retardedly felt like one of those scenes in movies where blokes are dancing with a woman and another bloke cuts in. Felt like Effy was cutting in.
Effy slid in further and wrapped a skinny arm around Katie's waist and Katie felt trapped. She could've broken free maybe. If Effy wasn't so fucking mesmerizing sometimes.
"Do you actually forgive me, Katie?"
Katie shut her eyes because Effy had started swaying to the music and her body was still close to Katie's and her arm was still like right there, touching her abdomen.
"Yeah, sure," Katie answered, "What the fuck right? Life is short."
"Hmm," Effy said in response and pressed her lips against Katie's.
It was the drugs probably. Or maybe it had been that no one had even looked at Katie in the past few months. Maybe it had been because Effy like…owed Katie or something. Either way, it didn't really matter why because Katie had given up on looking for that part of everything.
She kissed back.
--
Effy leans over Katie to fetch something from the counter. Her arm brushes Katie's and makes something flip in her stomach.
After Effy's leaned back and is calmly buttering toast, Katie pulls her by the shoulder, whips Effy's skinny body right around really and shoves her back into the counter. It's really quite fucking frightening how much she wants these days.
Effy's lips are hot like always and her slender hands slide up Katie's shirt without any shame whatsoever.
"What if we can't stop," Katie mumbles into Effy's lips and she hates how panicked she sounds.
Effy groans a bit and it sounds sort of frustrated but then she's right back, sucking on Katie's neck, making her lift her head to give Effy's lips better access.
"We'll know when its time, Katie," Effy says later when they're tangled and sweaty on her white bed.
Katie doesn't really remember why Effy might've said that until an hour later when she's on her way home.
She starts crying.
--
The first time they'd had sex it was a bit of trial and error. And to Katie's eternal surprise, Effy had been patient about the whole thing. Understanding that Katie needed time. In Katie's opinion, girls like Effy pretty much embodied everything sexual. Katie had been nervous.
There had been a fair bit of snogging before. Effy had let Katie into her house and then pressed her slowly against the wall and Katie felt a bit trapped but after a few moments of Effy's tongue lazily swiping her mouth, she realized if this was trapped she never wanted to be free.
Katie really hadn't planned on it that night. When they went out it hadn't been in her mind like ok tonight I'll fuck Effy Stonem and she'd been about to push Effy away from the wall, to break the kiss and turn it into a goodnight one but then Effy had done something rather remarkable.
"I need you," Effy had breathed harshly in Katie's ear and then it all translated into something more. Effy's hands gripping urgently and the kiss changing, molding into a kiss that conveyed just how much Effy really did feel.
Effy didn't really need people, Katie knew that. Or at least that's what she'd thought but Effy's words were true and Katie could feel it. So she'd clasped Effy's hand in hers and her palm was sweaty but she led them upstairs.
She'd sat on the bed watching with wide eyes while Effy slowly removed her trousers and her large T-shirt.
"Fuck," she'd murmured as Effy slid into bed next to her. And it was like there was a whole lot of beautiful, naked girl being thrown in her face all at once and for a girl who was straight as an arrow, Katie sure as fuck liked it.
There'd been quite a bit more snogging at that point, enough to the point that Effy'd started squirming under Katie just a bit before Katie was really comfortable enough to let her hands start wandering up and down Effy's arms. Broad strokes of her fingers that started at Effy's shoulders and went down to her elbow.
When they'd actually got down to—it. Katie realized she'd never been this nervous in her entire life.
"What do I do," she'd whispered into Effy's ear before sucking on her earlobe. Effy had trembled a bit and it'd been beautiful that, the fact that Katie got some sort of power over this girl who seemed to own the whole fucking world.
"Christ Katie, just touch me, okay?" Effy's chest was heaving prettily and Katie lowered her head to kiss one of the freckles that dotted the spot right above where Effy's heart was.
Katie sucked in a deep breath and it had been a bit awkward. Effy gasped when Katie finally got where she needed to be but it wasn't enough somehow and Katie could tell, even as she was experimentally circling her fingers and watching Effy arch into her touch.
"Effy," she'd said a bit pitifully and Effy kissed her lips softly and lovingly.
"Here," Effy said, pushing her own fingers against Katie's, "Just there." Effy's breath hitched again as Katie took over.
"Fuck," Katie murmured and pressed her cheek against Effy's chest, feeling Effy's long arms wrap around her back, hugging Katie to her.
When Effy started gasping every few seconds, like she couldn't quite catch her breath, Katie had looked up, wanting to see every moment of it. Watching Effy unravel and knowing that it was something unique and rather fucking special.
--
"Everything ends," Effy says simply while lighting a fag and putting it to her lips, taking a long drag.
Katie looks out over the water and swallows hard, just once. "So that's just it then?"
Effy brings her knees up to her chest and wraps her free arm around them and its weird seeing someone that long folded in half. "Dunno, Katie. It's just…I'm not this person."
Katie realizes that Effy's making some sort of concession, even talking this through with her. Effy's more into glances and not ever fucking talking. So this--words, a discussion, it must mean something…it must. Katie hates how she ascribes meaning to everything these days.
"You never answered my question the other day," Katie says without looking at Effy.
"What question," Effy asks plainly, like she's almost bored of the situation in general.
"What if we can't stop," Katie asks a bit brokenly and she does not want to cry in front of Effy Stonem. "What if I can't stop? What if you've broken me?"
Effy leans over and presses a soft kiss to Katie's scar, "Someone else will put you back together," Effy whispers and then she gets up and walks away.
Katie lies down on the concrete so she's eye level with the water. Thinks about just staying there until she dies. Instead she cries for hours but in the end gets up and walks back home because it's just something she's supposed to do.
--
The first time Katie had realized she loved Effy was a bit of a panicky time. They'd spent all afternoon having half-way baked sex in Effy's bare room and Effy had gone down on her for the first time.
Then Effy, who usually rolled over after sex or went to the window for a smoke had crawled back up the bed and kissed Katie so sweetly, it had made Katie blink in wonder after it was done.
Awkwardly, as if she wasn't quite sure of what to do, Effy laid her head down on Katie's shoulder and wrapped a thin arm around her waist. Katie held her breath.
"Alright," Effy asked long moments later.
Katie cleared her throat because for some reason she had trouble talking, "Yeah, it's just…well you don't ever cuddle babes, it's just not your thing."
Effy stiffened at the word cuddle but then she'd just tightened her grip, "So? It's your thing."
Effy was giving her something, Katie realized. Something that made this more than fucking or just a casual thing.
They'd slept like that and Katie had a face full of brown hair and dead arm when she'd finally woken up.
It was then that Katie had realized she was in love with Effy Stonem and it was then that a sense of dread had stretched over her because something this beautiful and destructive could simply not last.
--
Effy sends her a letter from Caen.
Emily gives Katie a stern look before handing her the card with the French postage on it. Katie gets it. They're usually just out to protect each other.
Still she tells Em to bugger off while she opens it with trembling hands.
I still need you is printed in large black letters on the center of a white slip of paper.
Katie sends an equally short note back.
It's your turn.
Katie prays Effy is still as intuitive as she's ever been because honestly, Katie can't fucking handle putting herself out there anymore.
--
She is.
Effy shows up with a torn suitcase and a weary look in her eyes.
Katie leans against the doorframe and tries to breathe calmly.
"I fucked up," Effy says without preamble, "It wasn't time to stop and actually no, to answer your question. I can't stop and that scares me," she pauses and looks Katie in the eyes, "You scare me."
It's not quite the declarations of love that Katie might've hoped for but it's actually and surprisingly enough.
"I've made tea," she says and motions for Effy to come inside.
Effy corners Katie against the kitchen table and slides her hands over to make Katie set down the tea.
They kiss and Katie finds it quite amazing how they just seem to slip right back into it, like they never stopped.
"Katie…I…"Effy starts when they finally separate but then she shakes her head a bit despairingly and looks lost for words.
"S'alright," Katie says soothingly.
It's actually quite sad, Katie thinks as she leads Effy upstairs. Sad that this can make her happy. Half-assed apologies and Effy's inability to communicate. But Katie knows it's just Effy and that if she were to say anything more, make Katie feel anymore than she already does then Katie probably wouldn't be able to contain it.
On the bed, tangled up in each other they kiss like they mean it but then again, they did that from the start.
It just took a little while for Effy to realize it, that's all.