"Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things" – Janette Oke.
This story explores the concept of the Relationship Attachment Model created by clinical psychologist, Dr. John Van Epp. The model explains five sequential stages of a successful relationship (Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch).
Edward's old-fashioned beliefs happened to follow this same sequential model; however, Bella didn't believe official commitment was necessary before having a physical relationship.
Was she right?
Let's find out.
Takes place shortly before Bella's graduation from high school.
"Shoot!" Bella scoffed.
The mild expletive echoed throughout the cab of the old truck as Bella slowed down and after looking both ways, made a perfect U-turn on the back road just outside of the Forks city limit.
Unfortunately, the last thing she wanted to do was go back to the house, back to him, but she really had no choice. She had to get her notes for her Calculus final tomorrow so she could study. Bella needed a good grade on the final. She didn't want all of her hard work in her class this past year to be for nothing. Besides she couldn't burst Mr. Varner's bubble that his superior teaching methods were the sole reason for her improvement in math.
Normally, Bella relished every moment she spent at the Cullen home; however, after the way she rushed out a few minutes ago, she was more than hesitant to show her face there so soon. She knew her eyes must be bloodshot, her face blotted with red splotches. Not to mention her shortness of breath and soaring heartbeat. If she could recognize her physical state, Bella knew everyone in the house could sense it as well.
Oh, well. Can't be helped, she thought as her beloved old truck sputtered, shook and rattled down the familiar road. She really would have to bury the poor thing soon and find a new vehicle. One that met with Edward's approval, of course. Bella sighed at the thought of trying to choose a vehicle that her overprotective boyfriend would approve of. It would have to be nothing less than a tank she was sure.
As she turned into the long drive to the house, Bella internally chastised herself for being in such a rush that she forgot her notebook earlier but honestly, she had been so upset, it was the last thing on her mind. No, she wasn't going to think about it, or she would start crying again. This afternoon was just so frustrating, so embarrassing, and well, so hurtful.
The truck came to a jolting stop in front of the house. Bella closed her eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath. She opened her eyes with a renewed determination to not let the current situation get to her. The last thing she needed was to show him how upset she was by their most recent encounter. It only made him feel worse which in turn made her feel bad and then the cycle of frustration, embarrassment and hurt continued.
Bella exited the truck and approached the front door. She expected the door to open as usual when she arrived (no one ever surprised the Cullens) but it remained closed. Bella pondered for a moment and then hesitantly knocked.
"Hello" she called to the empty room as she turned the knob and opened the door.
How strange, she thought. Other than Carlisle and Esme, the entire family had been home when she left less than ten minutes earlier.
Bella decided to rush upstairs where she knew she left her Calculus notebook. Maybe she could be in and out before anyone noticed or at least before they stopped pretending they didn't notice her anyway. She entered the room and sure enough, there it was – discarded on the infamous leather seat where she and Edward had been "studying" earlier.
In reality, the notebook hadn't been opened once and Edward and Bella had spent their time together this afternoon sitting on Edward's leather bench in his room with her on his lap. The house had been relatively quiet, no doubt in an attempt to give them some semblance of privacy (an impossible task in this house). Edward had been leaning against the wall, his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Bella had been kissing his face and neck while at the same time doing her best to clumsily unbutton his shirt. She had gotten several buttons undone that is until he had gently stopped her by holding her wrists in place.
"Be good Bella" he chastised as he opened his eyes and lowered his head to look at her derisively.
"Hmfrmp" she scoffed against him as she lifted her head to kiss his lips.
Edward kissed her back, still holding her wrists, when Bella suddenly shifted her weight on his lap. Her sudden movement caused her legs to straddle him. She wasn't sure if it was their position, their intense kiss or his continued restraint of her wrists, but for some reason in that moment her level of arousal shot through the roof. A small moan escaped her mouth and her hips involuntarily began to move against his groin area. Her movements only lasted a few seconds but in the next instance, Bella had found herself sitting alone on the seat, feet on the floor with Edward nowhere to be seen.
"Edward?" Bella questioned quietly to the empty room knowing her could hear her.
"Dammit Bella, I told you to be good" she heard from somewhere in the house although she couldn't pinpoint the direction of his voice.
And there it was, Bella thought. Edward and his constant rejection of her. Bella braced herself for what came next. She knew what to expect by now.
First, came the frustration. There was the obvious sexual frustration she felt after her boyfriend rejected her so-called advances. More than that though there was the frustration in knowing that no matter what she tried to "get away with" as he called it, she would always fail miserably. His resolve to keep their physical relationship from progressing any further never faltered.
Second, came the embarrassment. She really was trying to be good. It wasn't her fault that every time she was with her unearthly immortal vampire boyfriend, he dazzled her until she couldn't think straight anymore. It wasn't her fault that her normal teenage hormones were out of control. It wasn't her fault that her love for him was beyond anything she had ever known and was difficult to contain.
And finally came the hurt. The simple unabashed hurt Bella felt each time that Edward rejected her physically. Even after everything they had been through since reuniting in Italy, she could not escape her constant fear that he didn't want her. The fear that she still wasn't good enough for him.
He assured her daily of his love. He had even asked her to marry him. And yet, he still had very strong reservations about her joining him in immortality. He had made it very clear that he hoped every single day she would change her mind about waiting to become like him. Why? she wondered. Was it truly because he worried about her soul or was there something more? Did he not want her for all eternity? Would he not want her as a vampire? Did he want her as a human? In that way? He swore he just didn't want to hurt her by losing control with their physical relationship but was that the only reason he rejected her?
Even though Bella had asked herself these questions many times before, she was no closer to finding any answers and for some reason this afternoon's latest rejection from him had pushed her over the edge. All of her questions and emotions overloaded her, and she had started to cry. She knew she couldn't hide the fact she was crying from Edward (he could smell the salt-water for one thing) but she didn't want to let him see her upset. It would just make things worse. Bella quickly gathered her jacket and backpack from the top of Edward's dresser and ran out of the room down the stairs.
Unfortunately for Bella running and stairs don't mix, and she tripped just as she reached the bottom step. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Edward blurred in front of her to catch her before she fell.
"Bella" he said as his strong hands held her shoulders upright. "Where are you going?" he asked gently.
"I'm sorry Edward" Bella stammered as she kept her head turned down and her eyes on the floor "but I just remembered Charlie will be home early tonight and I don't want him to have to wait for dinner" she lied.
"Bella" he began hesitantly but he released her shoulders.
"I'll see you later tonight" she said. "Love you" she added brightly and quickly kissed him on the cheek and then left. He didn't try to stop her from leaving. He just stood on the porch with an unrecognizable look and watched as she drove away.
Now back in this room, Bella just stared at the unopened notebook as the memories washed over her again and the tears resumed. She grabbed her notebook and quickly left remembering to walk more slowly this time down the stairs. She made it to the porch but soon realized she was in no shape to drive. She couldn't even see the tears were so bad. She discovered she didn't even care if someone saw her anymore. She just sat down on the porch and put her head in her hands and continued to sob.
"Bella?" said a deep voice from right next to her.
Bella gasped and raised her head to look to her side.
It was Emmett.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked gently.
Bella looked at Emmett through her watery eyes. He looked worried and extremely uncomfortable.
"Nuffin" she answered through her muffled tears as she wiped her nose and her eyes.
Emmett just shook his head.
"What are you doing back? You just left?" he asked her.
"I furgif me notes" she muffled again and held up the Calculus notebook.
Bella tried to stop crying but she just couldn't seem to stop the flow of tears.
Emmett looked more and more uncomfortable and after a few minutes he finally cleared his throat and spoke.
"Bella, they all took off when you did to go hunting but I think I can go track Edward down…"
"NO!" Bella yelled interrupting him.
"Okay" Emmett said slowly. "I could go get Jasper to calm you down or Alice or even Rose I guess if you want…"
"No" Bella answered this time more softly as the tears started to slow.
Emmett let out a heavy sigh even though he had no need to catch his breath.
"Okay" he said again. "I guess that leaves just me then." He shifted his weight toward her. "So, tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?" he pleaded with her.
Bella wiped her eyes and nose again and sniffed.
"It's Edward" she admitted not sure where she was going with this conversation but knowing she had to talk to someone about it.
"Okay" Emmett said. "What did he do now?" he asked with a smirk.
"It's not what he did, it's what he doesn't do" she replied with a heavy dose of sarcasm.
"Not following Bella" Emmett said. "What doesn't he do?" he asked in confusion.
"Me Emmett!" Bella yelled and then threw her hand up and covered her mouth in embarrassment.
Both were silent for a moment and then Emmett, being his typical self, slapped his thigh and let out a booming laugh.
"Stop it" Bella screamed in frustration. "It's not funny!" She knew he meant no harm with his laughter, but she was just too embarrassed and angry to put up with Emmett's usual good-natured teasing.
"Sorry" he said immediately sobering up. "I'm sorry Bella, you're right. Tell me what's going on exactly" he prompted in a serious tone.
Bella covered her face with her hands. She couldn't believe she was about to have this very awkward very humiliating conversation with Emmett of all people/vampires; however, she had reached a level of impatience with her current situation that had become unbearable. She had to get her feelings off her chest.
Bella lowered her hands to her lap, keeping her head down.
"He doesn't want me Emmett" she began quietly "in that way. He doesn't want me to be an immortal and he doesn't want me as a human so where does that leave us, uh?" she asked bewildered.
"He's attracted to me I think, at least my blood anyway, but is that all?" she questioned a little more loudly. "I mean can vampires even be attracted to humans for more than our blood or are we just goddamn food" she swore in frustration waiving her hands in an animated fashion in the air. "I mean, do you find me attractive?" she asked looking up at a very shocked Emmett still sitting next to her.
"Um," he began hesitantly.
"I know, I know, you have the goddess that is Rosalie, and I can't compare to her of course, but honestly Emmett as a male vampire are you attracted to me as a female human at all?" she asked again with more clarity.
Emmett just sat there speechless.
"Well?" she asked again as her temper flared.
Emmett still said nothing.
Bella had never seen Emmett rendered speechless before, so she had her answer. No, he wasn't attracted to her. She had been rejected. Again. She assumed this rejection would make her upset again. Instead, all she felt was rage.
"Well, there you go" she said through her angry tears and stood up from the porch.
"Bella, wait" Emmett said as he put his arm on hers stopping her from walking away.
"NO Emmett, I'm tired of waiting!" Bella screamed trying to get away from his grasp. "I've waited long enough. I'm mean what the hell am I waiting for anyway?" she ranted.
"Bella" Emmett tried again still holding her arm.
Bella grew more and more agitated as the angry tears continued to fall.
"Why wait if nothing is ever going to happen between us?" she said bitterly. "Why wait if a vampire can't be with a human? Why wait if he will never want me the way I want him. What the hell am I waiting for?" she repeated her question angrily looking down at Emmett.
Emmett was still sitting on the porch staring blankly at her face, still silent.
"Ugh!" Bella screamed. "I'm done. It's never going to work with Edward. I'd be better off with Jake" she mumbled under her breath. "At least he wants me", she sighed.
Emmett let me go!" she yelled.
Emmett did not release her arm and continued to stare.
"Emmett, I swear…" she trailed off. And in that moment, the fact yet another Cullen male not only rejected her but wouldn't respect her wishes was simply too much. She was tired of her wants and her desires being ignored. In that moment, what little patience and rational thought she had left, flew out the window.
"Fine!" she yelled and then Bella did something rash. Something she never imagined doing but she was just so tired of feeling so helpless all of the time. So tired of feeling so powerless. She sat down on Emmett's lap facing him, wrapped her one free arm around his neck and kissed him on the lips.