Captain Hook curled his mustache around his hook, twanging it like the string of a broken violin and admired himself in the mirror. This was a big night. An important night. He had assigned Smee to crocodile duty and he would be swinging on a rope outside his cabin window all night keeping an eye out and also passing Hook bengay and extra condoms through the window after he inevitably ripped the first four trying to open the packages with his bad hand.
Hook screwed in his golden hook and put a cork on the end of it as an additional precaution, adjusting his jaunty feathered hat and admiring his nude body in the mirror. He had considered having Smee help him suit up the little captain before his rendezvous but that seemed too eager and he wanted to maintain an air of mystery.
A soft knock at the door sent him flying to the bed where he lounged on it like a cat in heat. "My boner awaits," he cooed, fluttering his eyelashes as the door silently opened and a cloaked figure entered, locking it behind her. The woman lowered her hood, letting a neat mane of curly gray hair spill out to lie on her wizened shoulders. Her crooked and gaping teeth gleamed in the pixie light as Tinkerbell pealed with laughter inside her cage.
"Quiet," hissed the old woman, and the fairy suddenly found herself unable to breathe.
"That's a little harsh, my darling," Hook purred and his lover snapped her fingers, changing the spell so that instead every breath Tinkerbell took sounded like slow R&B played on a xylophone.
"Better," the old woman said with a thin-lipped smile. "I had to open many doors to find you. Fortunately I left an away message on my caldron so we shan't be bothered."
"Excellent, my sweet," Hook said as he pulled her on top of him, wrapping his legs around her waist and clinging like a barnacle. She smelled like mothballs and wood shavings and he buried his beak nose in the soft folds of skin between her neck and collar bones. Tinkerbell switched to smooth jazz as the witch delicately fondled his doubloons with her boney fingers, stroking around his base and twirling his dead man's grove with her thick nails.
"How shall we play it tonight?" The witch asked. "Shall I be the huntress and you be the grizzly? I can stalk you to your den before you catch my scent on the wind and wrestle me to the ground, ripping my clothes off with your... claws," she purred as she stroked up the golden curve of his hook.
Hook gave a shudder of pleasure that abruptly turned into a spasm of terror as the all too familiar tick tick tick of the alarm clock caused his main mast to deflate like a sail without wind and his treasure chests to bury themselves within the humid beach sands of his loins. Outside Smee could be heard trying to shoo off the giant crocodile, which seemed to know that its enemy was already stripped of all restricting clothing just a few inches of wood away.
"SMEEEEEEE!" Hook shrieked in terror, scrambling up on top of the witch to sit on her back, pressing his delicate parts into her shoulder blades. "SMEEEEEEEE GET IT OUT OF HERE!"
The witch gently pried Captain Hook off of her and sat him down on the bed as she stood and drew her cloak around her. "I'm sorry, my cub, but that is a major buzz kill." She sighed. "Maybe next time." She then left through the door again.
The end.