AN: Hi, guys. Just wanted to give you a little bit of background on this story, real quick (promise). It was essentially inspired by two of my favorite lines said on Teen Wolf this season (and if you watch that show, you'll know straight away which ones they are). Strange, right? But honestly, they reminded me so much of Paige and Alison that this fic came about. To me, Paige and Alison are a lot more alike than most people think, and in a sense are almost like mirrors of each other. Like, what made them was their fucked up upbringings but what has defined them is how they've chosen to deal with life in the aftermath of that. Sort of like instinct vs. reason or something along those lines. Anyway, this fic also references some past ali/emily & ali/paige moments and some iconic paige, ali, and even spencer lines. If you get them all, you deserve a prize. :)
For continuity's sake, this would - in my mind - take place sometime around 5x10, but including some things from 5x11. Basically, post rat-in-locker incident, pre-date at movie theater for Paige & post Cyrus for Alison. Basically in some imaginary pocket before the Liars decide to betray her/believe she is -A. If that makes any sense.
Disclaimer: I don't have a beta (ha!). Also, I don't own PLL nor any of the quoted lines (tv-show related and otherwise) used here.
She doesn't know why she agreed to come here.
Okay, so maybe that's a lie.
Because she did believe Emily when she told her about Sydney's true motives, but a part of her can't really blame the girl; because if things were different – well, who's to say she wouldn't be the one leading the charge on that side of the battle lines rather than attempting this failed neutral position.
Either way, she's agreed. Be it out of a sense of understanding or some sort of fucked up camaraderie or just morbid curiosity on things she desperately wishes she could let go off, she's here nonetheless having driven down to Philly to get some answers.
The location of this meeting though is well, fucking sketchy to say the least.
"It's a really nice cafe during the day, I promise. My boyfriend and I used to come here all the time." Sydney desperately explains after seeing Paige's reaction to it.
"Yeah, but it's the night and it's a bar. And from the looks of it, no one under 35 and creepy is actually here to have a nice drink and a chat." Paige replies raising her eyebrows at the girl.
"Well, let's just check it out and if it's too weird, there's another place we can go a few blocks down."
Paige gives her a look.
"I mean, we're already here right?" Sydney tries again forcing out an awkward smile that has Paige sighing and nodding along.
"I guess." She shrugs.
With that both girls head into the bar and really, Paige's initial description of the place is quite frankly fucking accurate as hell.
"Oh." Sydney says, clearly disappointed at the fact that the place turns into what it does during the night.
As Paige shakes her head and starts to turn to exit, Sydney's hand reaches out and grabs her elbow, stopping her in her tracks.
"Sydney, you can give me all your explanations somewhere nicer than this. I mean, it can't possibly be that hard to find a place like that. It's sure to exist – "
"Is that Alison?"
Paige chokes on her words as she fully turns to see what Sydney is seeing.
And sure enough, there in the flesh is Alison DiLaurentis slowly swaying on the dancefloor, drink in hand. Paige tenses and looks around, but is surprised to see that Emily and the others aren't here with her.
From the looks of it, no one is here with her... And why is she even in this place anyway?
Paige then notices some guys sitting at the bar, not even pretending to not be leering at her. One of the guys gets up and stands behind Alison, placing his hands on her hips and joining in her swaying.
A few seconds pass before Alison shrugs him off.
"I guess we really should go someplace else." Sydney says as she turns to leave.
Paige hesitates.
Alison's eyes are closed and her swaying is starting to seem less like her out for a night of dancing. It's then that Paige notices another one of the guys stand up and quietly slip something into her drink.
She feels sick.
A part of Paige is screaming at her to just walk away, that this isn't her problem. If Alison DiLaurentis is the kind of person that needs to be in public even when she's clearly trying to be by herself, then all the consequences of that are on her.
But then.
Could you live with yourself if something happened to her, knowing you could have done something to stop it?
And she hates it, hates that Emily's voice rings in her ears – and god, what a world where she could ever hate anything about Emily – but hates even more the fact that even after the rat incident, she would still do something all over again.
She's about to do it now.
"Paige?" Sydney calls out to her. "What are you doing?" she asks as she sees Paige start to walk over to the dancefloor.
"She's by herself and I swear I just saw one of those dudes put something in her drink. I – " she hesitates "We can't just leave her here."
"Why do you care?" Sydney asks cautiously, like she's genuinely curious about Paige's concern. "She's been nothing but a monster to you, hasn't she?"
Monster.
It's a word that Paige loathes.
Paige turns to look at Sydney, sees confusion and something else she can't identify in her eyes and sighs.
"Did you know Emily and I used to be rivals?"
"What?" Sydney asks, more confused now by the sudden change in topic.
"Before..."
And isn't that another loaded word? Before. It's always felt like she's constantly defining her life in befores and afters.
Before Alison's Disappearance. After it.
Before Coming Out. After it.
Before Dating Emily. After it.
Before the Lighthouse. After it.
Before Halloween. After it.
Before. After.
She clears her throat and continues. "Back then I even went so far as to bully her." Paige admits.
"Yeah, but you were going through a tough time then, weren't you?" A beat passes. "I mean, that's what I heard." Sydney hurriedly explains.
Paige wonders, heard from who, but she's really not in the right state of mind to dwell on that right now; to have yet another mystery to solve, to complicate things even further. Doesn't want to fully distrust yet another person.
"Yes, but that doesn't change what I did. Back then I was still so affected by what Alison did – "
then she still has power over you,
Paige shakes off Emily's voice yet again (still so truthful, still so fucking right)
– "that I became the very thing I was so afraid of."
(('Whoever fights with monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster in the process. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you'
Paige remembers.))
"I became a monster, one of her monsters." She says gesturing toward a still swaying Alison. "It was like she was some sort of Frankenstein and everyone she touched..."
Mona.
Lucas.
Jenna.
Herself.
"I still don't understand why you care." Sydney says quietly.
"Because, if there's one thing I've learned from that time, it's that you have a choice. Not all monsters do monstrous things."
Spencer.
Hanna.
Aria.
Emily.
And Paige is sure, as she glances back toward Alison that she's looking at another monster. But monsters aren't born...they're made.
Sydney looks down at her feet, contemplating Paige's words.
"We'll talk another time, okay? Promise." Paige says.
Sydney looks up and nods.
"Be careful."
With those parting words, Paige nods and heads into the dancefloor.
The place is pretty empty, with mostly just these creeps loitering around, so she reaches Alison quite quickly. She places her hand on the girls arm and gently stops her swaying.
"Alison."
The blonde then slowly opens her eyes and they're so hazy, it's clear that it takes a moment for Alison to even figure out who she is.
"Paige?" She asks, her voice sounding rougher than she's ever heard it before.
(Paige is silently thankful it wasn't her nickname that came out of the other girl's mouth.)
"Yeah, come on. Let's get you home." With that she reaches to take the drink out of Alison's hand and guides her to the exit.
"Hey!"
"Where you going, blondie?!"
"Come back!"
"Dykes!"
The creeps yell after them and Paige just speeds up, basically dragging Alison out of the bar, setting the drink down on one of the tables near the exit.
When they're outside, Paige releases a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. She looks toward Alison and freezes.
The girl is looking straight at her and even through the haziness, she can tell that Alison's mind is trying hard to make sense of the situation they find themselves it.
"Did you drive here?" Paige manages to choke out.
"Train." Is Alison's succinct answer.
"Okay, well my car's down this way. Let's go." Paige says and continues to guide Alison down the street. The girl is shaky, but manages to not stumble on the way there.
Getting her into the car though, is a pain. Her car's in the shop, so she's driving her mother's SUV and making sure Alison doesn't fall on her ass – despite how rewarding it would probably be to see, she pettily thinks – is a bit of a challenge since the girl is wearing heels like she's meant to be walking a runway in Europe and not the streets of Philadelphia.
Eventually, they manage and before long they're on their way back to Rosewood.
It's a few minutes of silence, and Paige can't quite figure out if it's tense, awkward, comforting, or all of the above.
Paige reaches for a bottle of water she had left in the cup holder and takes a sip.
"Are you going to kill me?"
Paige chokes on her drink. As soon as she manages to breath right, she glances at the passenger side. Alison is staring straight at her and it's honestly the scariest thing about this night.
"What?"
"No one would know if you did. No one knows I'm here."
"I – "
"Just kill me right here and dump me along the Pennsylvania countryside."
"Alison – "
"Poetic justice, don't you think?"
"I'm not trying to kill you! I'm taking you home." Paige manages to get out.
And, god, what even is this situation she's gotten herself into.
"Why?" Alison asks and Paige could swear she hears genuine curiosity in the blonde's voice.
Paige is sure the girl must still be out of it and hopes and prays that ignoring her will mean she'll just stop.
Stop talking.
Stop asking questions.
Stop lying.
Stop being Alison DiLaurentis.
"Because of Emily?"
And just hearing the other girl's name come out of her passenger's mouth sends a cold shiver up Paige's spine.
Never again.
Alison does shut up then, seemingly finding her answer in Paige's silence.
The silence only last a few minutes though, because Paige can't help it.
She's got Alison DiLaurentis in her car right now. There's nowhere for her to go and she's not at full capacity and maybe this is the only chance she'll ever have to get a straight answer out of her – and the irony of it all certainly doesn't escape Paige.
"Did you ever care about her at all?" Paige grips the steering wheel tightly and braces herself for whatever is about to come out of Alison's mouth.
"I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be..."
And it takes Paige a moment to figure out that Alison is quoting fucking Dickens at her.
... Pip gets Estella in the end." She finishes quietly.
It's not the answer she expected, not even close, and she's somewhat at a loss for what to say.
"She's my favorite." Alison continues.
Paige glances at her and sees she's resting her head against the window, eyes closed.
"We had another moment, the night before the explosion. I fucked it up."
And Paige isn't sure she wants to hear anymore of this drunk, roofied, hazy Alison. She feels the bile rising up her throat.
"You should do it, you know." Alison says and when Paige glances at her again, she's back up and alert; staring straight at her.
"Do what?" Paige hesitantly asks, the thoughts in her mind too much to clearly follow Alison's hazy train of thought.
Because what is a moment?
What exactly is fucking it up?
Why did she even ask?
Why couldn't she keep her mouth shut?
Or better yet, why not just call up Emily and get her to come pick up Alison at the bar?
Or why not just leave her there?
(Paige hates that she knows the answers to all these questions.)
"Kill me."
And Paige feels her stomach drop at how clear Alison sounds.
She looks over and sees tears in the girls eyes.
"I should have just stayed dead, huh? Buried under that stupid gazebo by my own mother." Alison says her voice starting to tremble and her breathing starting to sound shallow.
"I wished it for so long, I still do. Nothing's right, nothing ever will be. Please, Paige. Please just kill me. Please." And Alison's starting to basically sob and her breathing is too fast and, fuck she's hyperventilating. "Just, I'll jump out, speed up. I'll hit the ground hard, harder than that fucking rock. Let the road do its job. It'll be the truth finally – I jumped." Alison says as she frantically unbuckles her seatbealt and reaches for her door.
Paige pulls over to the side of the road as fast as she can, almost getting hit by a passing car and fuck this crazy, crazy girl. She unbuckles her seatbealt before she reaches for Alison, placing her hands on the blonde's shoulders.
"I'm not going to kill you." Paige says, her voice rough.
Because this is all too much.
"Hurting you won't solve anything. Dying won't solve anything. It's letting them win." And she doesn't know who them is anymore, because before it used to be Alison, didn't it? And now? Mona? -A?
Paige shakes off the thoughts before continuing.
"You can make things right. Apologize, stop lying, just stop everything." Paige says desperation tinging her words, because she's sure that if anyone can stop this – it's Alison DiLaurentis. "Don't let the bad guys win."
"You don't get it, do you?" Alison says, her breathing calming down. "I am the bad guy."
Paige freezes. A beat passes before Alison speaks again.
"I think I'm going to be sick."
The blonde pulls out of Paige's grasp and opens her door. She leans over and promptly empties out her stomach on the Pennsylvania countryside.
Paige settles back into her seat and rubs at her face.
She does get it. Things can never be easy.
Paige blinks back tears as she hears Alison reach for her water bottle to rinse out her mouth.
Nothing can ever make sense, can it?
Because in a town where parental guidance isn't so much a suggestion as it is a way of life,
(Her parents, the Fields, the Hastings, the DiLaurentis – what a reflection they are)
Where you learn to speak in riddles far earlier than in truths,
(Lies, lies, lies)
And where secrets are currency,
(Everyone's whole goddamn lives)
Nothing is ever simple.
Paige aches for simplicity.
She hears the passenger door close and feels Alison get comfortable again. Paige opens her eyes and finds the girl, unsurprisingly, staring back at her.
Paige turns to look at the road ahead and pulls back into it, driving back to their very own little hell hole.
It's only a few minutes before Alison's chuckles are heard.
This girl is clinically insane.
"Don't you hate it when that happens?"
Paige has no clue what they're even talking about anymore.
"When what happens?"
"CeCe calls them dangerous compliments. I think they're just a desperate fucking cliché."
It takes a moment to figure out that Alison's talking about being roofied; and the fact that she's almost joking about it, talking about it as something so commonplace that she knows how to deal with it on the regular makes Paige's stomach turn – because fuck.
Everyone really does want something from this girl, don't they?
(Including herself.)
Paige doesn't answer.
(Paige remembers coconut cupcakes and Emily showing up at her house.
Twice.)
They don't speak another word for the rest of the ride.
Paige is nothing short of thankful.
Paige pulls up to the DiLaurentis home and promptly gets out of the car. She walks around the back over to the passenger side to help Alison down.
Alison's already opened her door though – and whether it's the darkness of the night, the lingering alcohol and roofie, or the devil knows what – she actually trips this time. Paige manages to sort of catch her by her arms and Alison avoids falling on her ass or face.
For some reason, Paige is struck by how solid she feels in this moment. Like this is a real, living person that exists outside of – everything else.
It takes a second for Paige to notice that she's still holding onto Alison, and that their faces are closer than they ever have been before.
"Who do you think Emily would be more jealous of right now?" Alison asks in a weird tone of voice, like she's trying to be snarky but is actually curious as to the answer. Her eyes are both hazy and sharp and Paige starts to wonder if that's not an outside influence, but rather Alison's default state.
(Paige is pretty sure that before this night, she'd only ever looked at Alison straight in the eyes once, that time in Emily's room. The tears on both sides made it hard to see the blonde, was more focused on her seeing Paige – seeing what's she'd done. Or rather, what she hadn't.)
Paige pulls her hands back as if she's been burned. She doesn't care for whatever game Alison wants to play right now.
Alison straightens up and starts to walk around the SUV.
Paige shuts the passenger door and sees something on the ground that must have fallen when Alison tripped. She picks it up.
It's a photograph.
Alison surrounded by Spencer, Hanna, Aria, and Emily.
Alison looks exactly like she does in those infinite amount of missing posters.
Paige contemplates what immortality means. Figures Alison has already figured it out.
And she wonders if this is how this night ends, with the blonde just walking away.
Paige can't help but say the one thing that lead her to this whole terrifying mess of a night.
"Not all monsters do monstrous things." Her gruff voice calls out into the night, almost like a plea or a prayer.
Alison pauses for only a second and without turning around, she responds.
"I'm a creature of habit."
She walks away, not stumbling once.
Paige thinks about hope and misery, and wonders if they're not actually the same thing.
If I say it out loud, if I say "I'm gay" the whole world is going to change.
Yeah, it will.