Imi Nashi, Ochi Nashi

by XxHakumiStarxX

Sasuke’s been acting weird cuz lately he keeps trying to do things to me… But it’s not only them, it’s a few of the other guys too. Everyone’s acting weird! What’s going on with them? Probably some weird Jutsu or something… I hope. SasuNaru, GaaNaru, Neji

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto and if I did… You don't want to know… kukukuku…

Warning: This is a Yaoi, meaning boys will be doing things hetero couples do. Don't like don't read. No flames cuz I will surely laugh at them and give you a not so nice response.

Pairings: SasuNaru (main), GaaNaru, NejiNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru, KakaIru, others…

Summary: Sasuke's been acting weird cuz lately he keeps trying to do things to me… But it's not only them, it's a few of the other guys too. Everyone's acting weird! What's going on with them? Probably some weird Jutsu or something… I hope. SasuNaru, GaaNaru, NejiNaru…

AN: This fic is a little complicated because it's supposed to be very humorous therefore certain events haven't mad things angsty. For instance, Sasuke did go to Orochimaru but when Naruto came to fetch him he simply returned (this will be explained later). Itachi is and isn't a villain for he wants Naru-chan but not to take Kyuubi (this will be explained as well). Well, I hope you enjoy this fic and feel free to ask me any comments… Please review.

Imi Nashi, Ochi Nashi By XxHakumiStarxX Chapter One: It all Started with…

Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on around here? For some odd reason or another, all of the guys have been acting stranger than usual and I really think they should go see Tsunade-baachan. It all started a week ago cuz that was when Ero-sannin and I got back from training... another evil year of training. I can remember it as if it was yesterday cuz it was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. Ever since then, guys have been acting funny around me, especially Sasuke-teme, Neji-baka, Sai, Itachi-baka, and Gaara-baka. The female population continues to stop, stare, squeal, and call me super Kawai and it's driving me crazy. First it started with Sasuke…

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"Oi Sasuke-teme lets spar." Team seven had just finished their usual meeting for seeing it was tradition to meet at least once a week. The rookie nine were all 17 or 18, ANBU, Juunin, or Chuunin yet their respective teams never truly broke apart.

"Sure dobe, come on." Sasuke smirked as the blond grinned and followed him to the training grounds.

"Once I beat you teme, you have to buy me ramen." 'I love you wonderful ramen and soon, we will be together.' As Naruto dreamed of ramen, he missed the look Sasuke gave him, a look that was only worthy enough for the bedroom. The fan girls tailing the Uchiha promptly fainted due to blood loss.

"Whatever dobe." 'If I win...' the raven's smirk broadened as he and Naruto made their way to the training grounds.

Little did either boy know, pale eyes carefully followed their every move as the two walked out of seeing range. Those eyes belonged to one jealous Hyuuga Neji for he was plotting and waiting for his chance to claim Naruto as his own. No, he wouldn't let the Uchiha have Naruto without a fight.

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Somewhere between the time Naruto and Sasuke reached the training field and after they started sparring did the blond end up pinned beneath the Uchiha. Normally, this wouldn't bother anyone for pinning ones opponent was part of sparring yet the way the Uchiha had the blond pinned to the ground… very suggestive to the pervert or jealous lover's mind. Sasuke had the blond's wrist pinned above his head while the blue-eyed kitsune's legs were locked side by side for the raven was straddling him.

Being the true blond that Naruto was, he didn't notice nor did he pay too much attention to the way the Uchiha's onyx eyes had clouded over. The blond began to struggle not realizing the effect he was having on the older male. Poor fan girls. The lot of them had just woken too and now they were fainting once again. Naru-chan should be sure to stay clear of Uchiha fan girls for his adorable little life would be on the line.

"Stop moving dobe." Sasuke hissed.

"Bastard."

"Idiot."

"Jackass."

"Moron."

"Asshole."

"Dobe."

"Argh… fuck you." Naruto hissed as he began to thrash, struggling in vain to release himself from the raven's grip. Sasuke smirked and leaned down to whisper in Naruto's ear.

"Name the time and the place dobe." Sweet victor was all Sasuke could think of once he felt his little flaxen shiver shiver. He kissed Naruto's neck ever so softly before sitting up to stare at the adorable moron.

"I… I'll s-show you… t-teme." 'O-my-friggin-god…' The blond didn't exactly know what had just happened but he could have sworn he felt his best friend kiss him. He was sure his face was as red as tomato and as he thought all hope was lost Neji entered the clearing. "Neji?" 'Yayy…'

"Hyuuga?" the dark-haired Shinobi looked in the direction his blond (possessive bastards those Uchiha's are) was looking and for a second he forgot about his Naru-chan. That was a second too long for Naruto instantly freed himself and shortly after his fist connected nicely with the raven's jaw. Naruto won the spar.

"I win! I win! Beat that Sasuke bastard," those grins could brighten any room. Naruto helped Sasuke up and then instantly brought his attention to Neji, Someone say ADHD?

"Hello Naruto." Neji said in a tone that any girl would faint over... and then the Hyuuga fan club promptly did just that.

"Hey Neji-baka, what are you doing over here?"

"I came looking for you because I wanted you to accompany me after your spar." The brunette smiled seductively at the blond pleased. Sasuke knew he hated Neji for a reason.

"Sasuke-teme is taking me to get ramen and after that I have to meet with Tsunade-baa-baa about… something. We can go to the festival tomorrow cuz I'm free all day tomorrow except for the usual beat Sasuke's ass spar." Naruto smiled brightly, unbeknownst to the blond, he'd just accepted a date in the eyes of both Shinobi.

"Of course. I'll meet you at Ichiraku's around 2." Neji smiled and began walking away. Naruto waved and turned his attention back to a seething Sasuke. Anxious fan girls, whom now had devoted their fandom to all sexy bishi's, watched intently.

"Oi teme, he won't catch fire no matter how hard you stare at him. Lets go, I wanna eat ramen with ya before Tsunade-baa-baa sends for me. Besides, we haven't eaten together in a long time so come on." Naruto flashed the Uchiha his trademark grin before walking ahead. If he would've stayed longer, the blond would have noticed the small smile that adorned Sasuke's usually stoic features as he followed his kitsune.

"Well then lets hurry up dobe." 'Beat this Hyuuga. I won't let you win my little kitsune over so easily.' Sasuke being the possessive bastard that he was, quickly fell in step with Naruto sparking one of their usual banters.

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Naruto kept his promise to the Hyuuga showing up at Ichiraku's faithfully the next day after another strange spar with Sasuke. The adorable ADHD ridden blond was getting more confused by the day seeing as everyone was behaving strangely. To think it all started after he returned from his latest training session with Jiraiya.

He had took his time and dressed properly for such an event… Okay, Ino and Sakura charged into his house and dressed him for the occasion. He wore a long, silk, light blue Yutaka that made his eyes seem impossibly bright. His hair had grown a little past his ear never changing from the gorgeous sun-kissed color. Many would assume the blond was indeed a female yet everyone in the village knew Uzumaki Naruto. What a perfectly adorable uke he turned out to be.

He and the Hyuuga were quietly eating ramen, Naruto thinking about how wonderful the all mighty ramen was and Neji thinking about the things that adorably loud mouth could do. What a dirty hentai the Hyuuga was, Jiraiya and Kakashi would be proud.

"So Neji-baka, how have you been?" Naruto continued to slurp up his ramen.

"Fine Naru-chan, how did your spar with the Uchiha go?" To even think about Uchiha Sasuke pissed the brunette off.

"It was, odd… he licked me. I was so shocked that he ended up winning that match. Last night when he walked me home, he kissed me on the cheek and called me his little kitsune. Something's wrong with him." Naruto continued to eat. "I think he's sick and needs a check-up from Tsunade-baa-baa."

"Maybe. I'll talk to him for you." 'Damn the Uchiha for taking advantage of my Naru-chan, he'll pay.' Neji glared at his ramen.

"Arigato Neji-baka but I'm sure I can take care of Sasuke-teme." The blond smiled as he finished his ramen. "Lets go to the festival, you can win me a prize or something." Naruto smiled and dragged Neji to the Festival of Higure Yume. Little did he know a pair of glowing green eyes kept watch over him and the Hyuuga as well as a pair of red irises.

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Naruto was having so much fun, he couldn't remember the last time he'd went to a festival in Konoha and wasn't glared at. Then again, the villagers had come to except him after he returned Sasuke to the village, the blond was grateful for. Though the blond was having fun, he couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching him. He couldn't quite pinpoint where the feeling was coming from but he knew someone was watching him.

Regardless, Naruto was hell bent on enjoying himself even if every male he passed eyed him hungrily and every female squealed and called him adorable. The flaxen wanted to have a good time and pretend that things weren't as weird as he knew they were. He'd definitely have to speak with the Hokage to see if she could figure out what was going on. Maybe he should've listened to the foxes warning when she'd tried to tell him something important… he couldn't help staring at the pretty colorful flowers around him at the time.

"Oi Naruto, would you like to share a drink with me?" Neji smiled as the blonds face lit up.

"Sure, lets get a chocolate milkshake. I love chocolate but not as much as ramen but still, I love chocolate." Naruto grinned as he made his way over to a food stand leaving the Hyuuga behind him.

Naruto ordered his double chocolate, chocolate chip, fudge milkshake and was surprised when the owner of the stand gave him the milkshake for free with a wink. Oblivious as to why he received a free milkshake, the adorable chibi walked over to the table Neji had choose and seated himself across from the brunette.

The clueless blond put two straws into the large milkshake and began sipping away. Neji smirked, this was something he knew the Uchiha hadn't thought of and if Sasuke were smarter, he would've asked the adorable blond to accompany him to the festival during their routine spar.

The milkshake was quickly disappearing as Neji's face somehow continued to get closer to Naruto's. Jade irises bored into the back of the brunette's head as red Sharingan eyes bored into the back of the blond's. This would most definitely be a festival night to remember. Just as the Hyuuga's lips became too close for many people's liking, Sand whirled around the brunette's chair and yanked it backwards causing Neji to fall backwards as well. The milkshake landed all over the poor man as fan girls and boys restrained themselves from running over to help.

"What the hell?" Neji muttered. Naruto ran to his side to check on the ANBU captain, holding in his giggles all the way.

"Are you okay Neji-baka?" Naruto asked worriedly as he wiped the shake off of Neji the best he could.

"He'll be fine Uzumaki, I think he lost his balance and toppled over." Pale eyes and bright blue orbs turned in the direction of the wistful voice.

"Sabaku." Neji growled.

"Gaara-baka." Naruto yelled happily as he glomped the redhead. Gaara smirked triumphantly as the Hyuuga glared at him. The ADHD blond was oblivious to all of this.

"Hello Uzumaki, it's been a while." Gaara wasn't happy when Naruto detached himself from him but he'd be content knowing he'd just ruined the brunette's plans.

Fan girls and boys swooned over the gorgeous bishonen attending the festival. Never had their been so many reasons to faint.

"It's good to see you Gaara-baka. You wanna hang out with me and Neji-baka?" Naruto smiled happily as Gaara nodded.

"Shall we move on then?" The brunette flashed the redhead a glare as he pulled on a new Kimono. The joys of anime.

"Naru-chan?" All three boys turned to face the voice and found Iruka and Kakashi staring at them, well, Kakashi was glaring at Neji and Gaara..

"Iruka-sensei, Kaka-sensei, you're here too." Naruto grinned and glomped both of his senseis while the two smiled lovingly at the boy they'd come to think of as a son.

"Hello Naru-chan, how are you doing today?" Iruka ruffled Naruto's bright golden locks.

"I'm great. Neji-baka took me to the festival and Gaara-baka just joined us, do you wanna come too?" Naruto smiled and both men couldn't help but think the blond looked absolutely adorable.

"Of course we'll join you. We wouldn't want these two doing perverted things to our favorite little Shinobi now would we?" It sounded like a joke to Naruto and Iruka but the look Kakashi gave Neji and Gaara let them know he was serious.

"As if. Lets go." Naruto smiled happily as they made their way around the festival.

It had turned out to be a long and pleasant night for Naruto and Iruka but everyone else was being paranoid, jealous, and over protective. And that's only a small fraction of the story for those crimson eyes had not once let the blond wonder out of sight. His dirty thoughts of Naruto kept him rooted to the same tree throughout the whole ordeal.

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Ever since that day, Sasuke-teme has been acting really strange. He's always touchy feely and doesn't get too mad at me anymore for doing a lot of things. I think whatever is wrong with him and everyone else is catching onto me as well cuz I get this weird feeling every time I'm with Sasuke-teme. Anyhow, Neji-baka, Sai-baka, and Gaara-baka have been coming around more and more lately and they're just as touchy feely as Sasuke-teme, it's creeping me out.

And O-my-friggin-god, Uchiha Itachi, S-Class missing-nin has been popping up out of nowhere and molesting me. No one wants to believe me but why the hell would I make shit like that up? Everyone's gone friggin nuts, even Kyuubi. The old fox just sits in her cage thinking perverted thoughts about me and every guy she can think of. She's worse than Ero-sannin and Kaka-sensei combined if you ask me.

I think I'm gonna talk to Tsunade-baa-baa and ask her to give those guys a check-up, they need it. Maybe it's that stupid kitsune who's doing all of this but she won't tell me just cuz I didn't listen the first time. She's been sleeping a lot lately and saying perverted things every time a guy is near me too. Whatever's going on, I will find out because touchy feely Sasuke is starting to make me feel weird, so is touchy feely Neji, touchy feely Sai, a molesting S-Class missing-nin, and touchy feely Gaara.

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"So brat, what's bothering you?" Tsunade sat in her chair staring at the pouting blond all the while thinking about how adorable Naruto was.

"Everyone's acting really weird and I don't know if it's them or me." Naruto whined as he stared at the smirking Hokage.

"Weird how so brat?" Tsunade continued thinking about how someone as adorable as Naruto shouldn't be put on dangerous mission because danger wasn't meant for adorable people. What the hell was wrong with her?

"All of the guys keep giving me these hungry looks but I never have any food and if they're expecting me to feed them then they're wrong cuz I won't. Sasuke-teme is all touchy feely and sometimes I don't mind cuz it's kinda nice but it's weird. Neji-baka, Sai-teme, and Gaara-baka are touchy feely too and they treat me like a girl. Kaka-sensei and Ero-sannin treat me like I'm some kind of damsel in distress and they won't let me do anything hard by myself anymore and I don't know what they're smoking. And… o-my-friggin-god, Uchiha Itachi molest me when no one else is around, I swear it. What the hell is wrong with everyone?" Naruto was pouting and before he knew what was going on he was glomped by the Hokage.

"You're so adorable brat, no wonder everyone is treating you differently." She was gently nuzzling his head.

"The hell?" Naruto stared at the woman in disbelief.

"Nothings wrong with you except for the fact that you're too adorable for your own good. You'll be just fine and when you have sex don't forget to use protection." Before Naruto could respond, he was sitting outside of the Hokage's office.

"YOU'RE ALL MAD!" He was pretty sure all of Konoha heard him but he couldn't give a damn at the moment. As the gorgeous chibi stomped down the hallway pouting, he received many awe's from the females present and hungry glances from the males.

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The blond had decided to talk to Ino for the blonde Kunoichi was the only sane friend he had left (Sakura acted much like the Hokage). They'd become really good friends over the years and if anyone could help him it'd be Ino. Everyone else was obviously on drugs or under some type of Jutsu seeing as they kept doing "stuff" to him no matter where he went.

He couldn't figure out what was going on but everything seemed different now that he'd returned to Konoha. Kyuubi was definitely no help either since all she did was sleep or say perverted things to the flaxen beauty. Naruto walked into the flower shop slamming the door behind him and glad that Ino was the only person present because Kami knows that people would have only called his tantrum cute.

"What's wrong Naruto?" Ino smiled slightly as she walked over to the sulking blond.

"Everyone's acting weird and it's driving me nuts. First Sasuke, then Neji, then Sai, then Gaara, then Kaka-sensei and Ero-sannin, now Tsunade-baa-baa and that's only the people I know. I've had to be the shit out of so many guys on the street for trying to touch me and get all touchy feely. The girls keep calling me super kawaii and hugging me and that's creeping me out." Naruto pouted and sat down on the floor he decided not to tell her about Itachi yet for she'd think he was crazy.

"But you are super kawaii. Now what's this about guys acting weird, I haven't noticed anything? And what do you men Kakashi-sensei, Jiraiya-sama, and Tsunade-sama are acting weird?" Ino sat beside the adorable blond.

"Well, Sasuke, Sai, Neji, and Gaara are super touchy feely and keep saying strange things like, 'Do you taste as good as you look dobe?' or 'You don't know what you do to me Uzumaki.' or 'It's fate that you and I have met Naruto, it's our destiny' or even 'I bet you do have a dick.' Weird stuff like that. Sasuke hugs and kisses me every chance he gets, Neji always holding my hand or hugging me, Sai molest me just like 'Tachi-baka, and Gaara pounces on me a lot but Sasuke or Neji always appear and he leaves me alone." Naruto pouted as he thought back on those events.

"What about your sensei's and Tsunade-sama?" Ino was smirking. 'He obviously doesn't get the hints but he's right, everyone so far is acting strangely toward him. I wonder why everyone's acting this way?'

"Kaka-sensei acts just like Iruka-sensei but way worse. He gets all worried every time I go on a mission and some times he spies on me to make sure I'm okay but I'm a freaking Captain of my own ANBU squad for crying out loud. Ero-sannin goes super easy on me now and says it's too dangerous for someone like me to learn a lot of things when before he used to tell me I'm strong enough to learn anything. Tsunade-baa-baa insist that I'm too kawaii to go on dangerous missions and she'd be too worried to send me on something dangerous so I haven't been on a mission for the last month." Naruto huffed as he laid his head on Ino's shoulder.

"There, there, Naru-chan, I'll help you figure out what's going on, ne? As much as what's happening to you is fun to watch and here about, it is all a little strange. What did Kyuubi think of this?" Yes, Ino knows about Kyuubi because Naruto told her. He didn't think they should keep secrets from one another if they were going to be best friends.

"She's just as perverted as Ero-sannin. She thinks I should let Sasuke, Sai, Neji, and Gaara have their way with me but that would just be weird. I think the fox has gone insane because she even wants me to let 'Tachi-baka molest me." Ino pat Naruto's head and frowned.

"Itachi? I doubt he's here Naru-chan, we would know if he was or not. Now, I'm not going to tell you who to like, just choose someone who can take care of you and love you no matter what. Just like I love Shika even if he's a lazy genius, and Sakura loves Lee even though he has the biggest, fuzziest eyebrows anyone's ever seen." Ino and Naruto both giggled as the younger blond stood and helped Ino to her feet.

"Thanks Ino-chan, you're lots of help. If you find out anything, let me know m'kay?" Naruto grinned and walked out of the flower shop.

'Congratulations Naru-chan, you have four of Fire countries hottest bachelors after you. This situation is odd… I will definitely have to look into this.' Ino went back to making flower ornaments all the while thinking about Naruto's current situation. 'Itachi… like I'd believe that.'

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Naruto made his way to the forest, he needed some place to train where no one would molest him or squeal and hug him every time he did something. Maybe there was something wrong with him, he wouldn't be able to know for sure until he and the fox had some time to talk. Then his thoughts wandered to thinking about ramen and how he loved it so much, such is the mind of someone with ADHD. Those types can never hold one thought for more than five minutes.

-Oi kit, have you and the Uchiha mated yet. I fancy him for the moment.-

'Nothings going on between me and Sasuke-teme okay, so get that out of your mind.'

-If that were true then you wouldn't have had that dream last night of a certain Uchiha doing certain naughty things to one very horny…-

'Alright, alright, I get the point… still, there isn't… Hey Kyu, what's happening to me or is it everyone else?' Naruto looked around and noticed that he was alone.

-Well kit, I'm in heat and seeing as we've merged, so are you.- The fox demon cackled as she mentally saw the blond's expression.

'But, but… The hell?' Naruto frowned pondering on whether or not he should believe the fox. He laid on the grass, forgetting the ultimate purpose for his being in the forest.

"I've been looking for you Naru-chan." Naruto's head shot up as he looked in the direction of the naturally seductive voice.

"What are you doing here 'Tachi-baka?" Naruto stared at the elder Uchiha as the raven walked toward the blond.

"I wanted to see you so I came looking for you." Itachi smirked when he noticed the surprised look on Naruto's face. Yes, he'd have his kitsune very soon.

TBC…

AN: Hope all of you liked the fic cuz it's my first time posting something on this particular site. I usually just write for my friends benefit.