5 times Jim Kirk proposed marriage – and the one time he had success

Disclaimer: Still don't own Star Trek (Paramount does).

Author's note: Written for this prompt on the LJ st_xi_kink_meme: "Rumors of Kirk's behavior and immaturity abound, especially of his drunken antics/bar fights/ sleeping with every thing that stands still long enough. It is kindly suggested that Kirk needs to get married and settle down, to appear more respectable or face the consequences."

Rated M for implied Slash and gay marriages. Don't like? Don't read.

PROLOGUE
"Yes, I know it, you know it, and your crew knows it, too. But here at Command, most of us only remember 'high-score Kirk' – and that DIDN'T just mean your test results.

What? Did you think Academy instructors are blind?

And that being the youngest captain ever and media darling # 1 would only make you friends?

Now, Jim, as a friend: they just want to see a certificate – you'll find a way… Then get a divorce, after a year or so…

And before you ask: I would, but I'm taken. Marital status isn't classified information – you can look it up in the personnel files …"

ONE
"If that's supposed to be a joke, it's not funny!

Now get out of sickbay, some of us are working on this ship…"

TWO
"Sure, Jim, you're my friend, of course I'll help you out. This will be fun! We'll have a great party!

Really legal? Hmm, Fed-legal, that's no prob, but Orion-legal …

You'd become my ward, you'd need my permission to do – just about anything.

Don't be silly, of course not.

But if we met Orions, wouldn't that interfere with your … captaining if you'd have to drag me around to okay everything you do?

None taken."

THREE
"I'm honored, Sir.

But … I thought you knew – you've signed our applications for the marriage license yourself.

Two weeks ago.

Well, Pavel's 18th birthday is in three months – as soon as we return to Earth after that.

Wedding in San Francisco, banquet in Saratov.

Would you agree to be my Best Man?

Thank you. Oh – do you own a kimono?"

FOUR
"How the hell would I know you're serious? Who ever proposed in the toilet?

Yeah - in the shower, same difference.

Hey, come back, Jim, I didn't …

Damn."

FIVE

"Affirmative. A Vulcan bonding is less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal.

But while this would solve the problem at hand, it would create a new one: there is a 92.4% probability that Command would request one or both of us to transfer off ship.

And I feel obliged to inform you that under Vulcan law you would have to fight Lt. Uhura for me.

To the death."

AND …
"Stand up, Jim, stand up…

No, that's just that damned disinfectant making my eyes water …

Huh? Oh yes, yes, of course I do, love …

Why I didn't … If somebody suddenly offered you the one thing you wanted most in the universe, wouldn't you be afraid it was too good to be true? Sorry, but …

I love you too, Jim."

Author's Note : (SPOILER!) I'm sure you've guessed who's speaking, but for the record: Prologue: Adm. Pike; 1. Bones; 2. Gaila; 3. Sulu; 4. Bones again; 5. Spock - AND Leonard H. McCoy; MD