I always knew they never listened to me, I mean, I just knew that they
acted like I was never even there to begin with. It's just me, plain old no
one. I don't matter at all to any one, and those I did matter, even the
slightest bit, are dead. They're dead because of me, because I couldn't
save them and I wasn't there. It just seems that all I can do is just put
on this mask, become the Merry Jester once again, and try to get people to
cheer up. Yep, that's just me; a fake and nothing more.
I've also had my share of bloodshed; dude, I'm the acclaimed God of Death. But still, even since the war has been over, I've seemed to have just kept the persona of the annoying braided baka. It just seems that ever since about two months ago, things have just turned for the worst. I lost my best friend since Solo died because they can't even tell me the truth anymore or even admit that they've known something was wrong with me ever since the day they met me. Yeah, Perfect Soldier my ass. More like Perfect Liar.
I can't believe how blind I was to not notice it before. Yeah, emotionless Heero Yuy started to show what he was feeling. He used to tell me everything and I'd always listen to him. Letting that mask of happiness fall just for him, and just stay there calmly and listen to all of his problems; only telling him the best advice I could give at the time and only saying things I needed to say at the right times. Hn. Yeah, like anyone can believe the all-mighty Heero Yuy listened to stupid me. Then, he just started lying to me about everything that was going on.
I thought I could trust him! But I thought wrong. I trusted in him so much, with just about everything that happened in the past year, but I just somehow knew to conceal most of my secrets. No one listens to me anyways, so why does it matter?
Then it just seemed that he turned on me. I don't know how it started, but it just did. So now, I'm all alone like before. And I don't know what to do with my life. I guess I can always just write about what happened, but then everyone would just treat it as some fantasy story and not believe a word of it as truth. I'm better off just keeping everything inside like I normally do.
Trowa doesn't know anything about what's been going on. He's just trying to evade Heero as much as he can and he just hasn't been here long to actually notice what's going on. Quatre's just been dealing with his own problems and just trying to get through each day without having some sort of breakdown. Not to mention that I don't even know much about the guy because he's always being called off to do one thing or another. Lastly, there's Chang. I love the guy to death, honestly man, I do. It's just that everytime I try to even talk to him at all, he's just going on and on about crap I don't care about. He knows I don't care about it either, but he still just goes on about it. I'm just glad that he's gotten over that crush of his since he found out that the chick he liked had a boyfriend already.
So, as usual, I'm stuck here at home all by myself and just wait for something to happen or someone whom I actually considered a friend to come by and listen to what I have to say. It's not like it's that freaking hard, just come in, sit down, ask what's been wrong, and just listen. That's what I desperately wish would happen; just to have one of them listen to me for once instead of them always talking constantly and me just sitting there, nodding my head every so often and trying to help them out with their problems.
Yeah, like anyone could ever believe that I, prankster of the Gundam pilots, would actually be the one the others came to instead of Quatre or Trowa. I mean, that happy-go-lucky kid you might've seen fighting for peace and freedom was just a front and nothing more. The only one I've actually been able to talk to has been Lucrezia, and she's just there for everyone when they need it. She's the only one who knows how I feel, even if it is even the slightest bit of information that I've given her, she's just this awesome person who doesn't care whether or not I saved the world single- handedly or just got over a breakdown. I just can't thank her enough for that, even if she doesn't realize it.
But maybe, just maybe, one of them will come through that door or call to just hear me out for the smallest bit of time. They know where I live and they have my number, nothing's holding them back. Unless, maybe, it's their guilt of not knowing sooner about everything and the realization that the Shinagami wants someone to talk to without being interrupted or just having them walk away while I try to tell them something.
The last person I talked to today was Chang, and he didn't seem like a happy camper. He was still mad at his friend, Krys, for acting like he wasn't even there for some reason. I told him that's what happens to me every day, even when talking to him. He just looked at me and didn't have anything to say. I went on to say that every time I wanted someone to talk to, or was about to talk to, they'd always turn around, walk away, or, in his case, start talking about something else completely off subject.
He took a breath and calmly stated, "Usually you don't want to talk about your feelings so I just started talking about other things. It's not my fault."
But in fact, it is all your fault. I just wish that you listened to me, just once. I don't care if he blames it on me. That's what Heero did. Turned everything around on me and yelled at me for his problems that I didn't even know about because he'd lied to me and wouldn't pay attention to what was going on around him.
Instead he just said that I wasn't his only friend and I couldn't always expect him to be there for me every time I cried out for help. Gee, thanks for boosting my self esteem. He just never realizes that I'm always there for him and I always listen to him, no matter what. I just wish he'd do the same for me, even once for five minutes. Then he'd have some idea what is going on in my mind. But no, he has to be all high and mighty and not pay any attention to his so called "best friend" whom he can share everything with without having to worry about me telling. I wish I could say the same for him, but he just doesn't know how to keep his big mouth shut or his nose out of everyone else's business-but mine of course. Apparently I don't care that much in his eyes or he would've pestered the crap out of me to just spill even the smallest fragment of my problems.
So, all in all, I'm alone once again. It doesn't really bother me that no one cares, it just bothers me that none of my 'friends' give enough shit about me to actually know the truth.
I'll just say goodbye, and hope that it's not forever. I don't want to stay alone. I hope they understand that. I can't stand being alone any more than I have to.
~*~
a/n: gomen ne, I had to switch some things around. I kinda based some of the characters on who I know in real life and this is actually something along the lines of a real-life person who's feelings are never known to those around them. I don't want to say any names and all to get them mad at me any more than they already are, but it's still just the same.
~pheo
I've also had my share of bloodshed; dude, I'm the acclaimed God of Death. But still, even since the war has been over, I've seemed to have just kept the persona of the annoying braided baka. It just seems that ever since about two months ago, things have just turned for the worst. I lost my best friend since Solo died because they can't even tell me the truth anymore or even admit that they've known something was wrong with me ever since the day they met me. Yeah, Perfect Soldier my ass. More like Perfect Liar.
I can't believe how blind I was to not notice it before. Yeah, emotionless Heero Yuy started to show what he was feeling. He used to tell me everything and I'd always listen to him. Letting that mask of happiness fall just for him, and just stay there calmly and listen to all of his problems; only telling him the best advice I could give at the time and only saying things I needed to say at the right times. Hn. Yeah, like anyone can believe the all-mighty Heero Yuy listened to stupid me. Then, he just started lying to me about everything that was going on.
I thought I could trust him! But I thought wrong. I trusted in him so much, with just about everything that happened in the past year, but I just somehow knew to conceal most of my secrets. No one listens to me anyways, so why does it matter?
Then it just seemed that he turned on me. I don't know how it started, but it just did. So now, I'm all alone like before. And I don't know what to do with my life. I guess I can always just write about what happened, but then everyone would just treat it as some fantasy story and not believe a word of it as truth. I'm better off just keeping everything inside like I normally do.
Trowa doesn't know anything about what's been going on. He's just trying to evade Heero as much as he can and he just hasn't been here long to actually notice what's going on. Quatre's just been dealing with his own problems and just trying to get through each day without having some sort of breakdown. Not to mention that I don't even know much about the guy because he's always being called off to do one thing or another. Lastly, there's Chang. I love the guy to death, honestly man, I do. It's just that everytime I try to even talk to him at all, he's just going on and on about crap I don't care about. He knows I don't care about it either, but he still just goes on about it. I'm just glad that he's gotten over that crush of his since he found out that the chick he liked had a boyfriend already.
So, as usual, I'm stuck here at home all by myself and just wait for something to happen or someone whom I actually considered a friend to come by and listen to what I have to say. It's not like it's that freaking hard, just come in, sit down, ask what's been wrong, and just listen. That's what I desperately wish would happen; just to have one of them listen to me for once instead of them always talking constantly and me just sitting there, nodding my head every so often and trying to help them out with their problems.
Yeah, like anyone could ever believe that I, prankster of the Gundam pilots, would actually be the one the others came to instead of Quatre or Trowa. I mean, that happy-go-lucky kid you might've seen fighting for peace and freedom was just a front and nothing more. The only one I've actually been able to talk to has been Lucrezia, and she's just there for everyone when they need it. She's the only one who knows how I feel, even if it is even the slightest bit of information that I've given her, she's just this awesome person who doesn't care whether or not I saved the world single- handedly or just got over a breakdown. I just can't thank her enough for that, even if she doesn't realize it.
But maybe, just maybe, one of them will come through that door or call to just hear me out for the smallest bit of time. They know where I live and they have my number, nothing's holding them back. Unless, maybe, it's their guilt of not knowing sooner about everything and the realization that the Shinagami wants someone to talk to without being interrupted or just having them walk away while I try to tell them something.
The last person I talked to today was Chang, and he didn't seem like a happy camper. He was still mad at his friend, Krys, for acting like he wasn't even there for some reason. I told him that's what happens to me every day, even when talking to him. He just looked at me and didn't have anything to say. I went on to say that every time I wanted someone to talk to, or was about to talk to, they'd always turn around, walk away, or, in his case, start talking about something else completely off subject.
He took a breath and calmly stated, "Usually you don't want to talk about your feelings so I just started talking about other things. It's not my fault."
But in fact, it is all your fault. I just wish that you listened to me, just once. I don't care if he blames it on me. That's what Heero did. Turned everything around on me and yelled at me for his problems that I didn't even know about because he'd lied to me and wouldn't pay attention to what was going on around him.
Instead he just said that I wasn't his only friend and I couldn't always expect him to be there for me every time I cried out for help. Gee, thanks for boosting my self esteem. He just never realizes that I'm always there for him and I always listen to him, no matter what. I just wish he'd do the same for me, even once for five minutes. Then he'd have some idea what is going on in my mind. But no, he has to be all high and mighty and not pay any attention to his so called "best friend" whom he can share everything with without having to worry about me telling. I wish I could say the same for him, but he just doesn't know how to keep his big mouth shut or his nose out of everyone else's business-but mine of course. Apparently I don't care that much in his eyes or he would've pestered the crap out of me to just spill even the smallest fragment of my problems.
So, all in all, I'm alone once again. It doesn't really bother me that no one cares, it just bothers me that none of my 'friends' give enough shit about me to actually know the truth.
I'll just say goodbye, and hope that it's not forever. I don't want to stay alone. I hope they understand that. I can't stand being alone any more than I have to.
~*~
a/n: gomen ne, I had to switch some things around. I kinda based some of the characters on who I know in real life and this is actually something along the lines of a real-life person who's feelings are never known to those around them. I don't want to say any names and all to get them mad at me any more than they already are, but it's still just the same.
~pheo