A/N: As I re-read this to myself for the fourth time, it still made me giggle. Hopefully you will, too. I won't say this story is complete, because if you give me suggestions, I'll continue.
Lieutenant Nyota Uhura: Communications
Lt. Uhura has signed on
Ensign Pavel Andrevech Chekov: Tactical
Ensgn. Chekov has signed on
Captain James T. Kirk: Captain
Cpt. Kirk has signed on
Cpt. Kirk: Well well well. Bored, Nyota?
Lt. Uhura: Call me Uhura.
Cpt. Kirk: Aww… other people get to call you Nyota.
Lt. Uhura: Aside from my family, just one. No more will be said on the subject.
Cpt. Kirk: Aren't you supposed to be listening for distress transmissions or something? You're supposed to use the personal messaging system to contact fellow officers in emergencies.
Lt. Uhura: I was just about to message Chekov because I did not want to interrupt everyone else working. I need to tell him something.
Cpt. Kirk: Well please, share with your captain. Secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone.
Lt. Uhura: I was about to message him so I didn't have to share with everyone.
Ensgn. Chekov: What is it, Lt?
Cpt. Kirk: Well?
Lt. Uhura: Sign off.
Cpt. Kirk: Come on!
Ensgn. Chekov: It's alright, Lt. Whatever you have to say it is alright to share with the Captain, no?
Lt. Uhura: You won't like it…
Cpt. Kirk: Spill!
Lt. Uhura: Chekov… your fly is down.
Cpt. Kirk: Why are you looking there, Uhura? I thought you already had a boyfriend.
Lt. Uhura: Boyfriend is an immature way to describe it. I told you you shouldn't read it…
Ensgn Chekov: Thank you, Lt.
Officer Montgomery Scott: Engineering
Of. Scott has signed on
Cpt. Kirk: Scotty! Come to join our little chat?
Of. Scott: Captain!
Lt. Uhura: Hi, Scotty.
Of. Scott: It's boring as Hell down here, dolly. What's it like up on the bridge? I could use me some whiskey, if it weren't illegal to drink on duty and all.
Cpt. Kirk: Just as slow up here. I take it you three chat often?
Lt. Uhura: Sometimes.
Ensgn. Chekov: When we're not busy.
Commander Spock: Science/ First Officer
Cm. Spock has signed on
Cpt. Kirk: …you didn't strike me as the type to chat…
Cm. Spock: Is Nurse Chapel online?
Lt. Uhura: No. Why do you want her?
Cm. Spock: I do not use this communications line to 'chat', Lieutenant. I need to send a report down to Sick Bay.
Lt. Uhura: Why do you want Chapel, though? Why not McCoy?
Cpt. Kirk: You're in the dog house now, Spock.
Ensgn. Chekov: What? Why?
Of. Scott: Oooooooooooo
Cm. Spock: I did not mean that I wanted her preferably. She is simply the most frequently on this channel.
Lt. Uhura: Huh. Is that so? Do you two sign on often together?
Cpt. Kirk: Careful what you say now!
Of. Scott: Haha! He's dug himself a deep ditch, this one. I didn't realize how jealous Lt. Uhura could be.
Ensgn. Chekov: Why is she jealous? What's going on?
Cpt. Kirk: You wouldn't understand. You weren't there. You didn't witness the magic.
Lt. Uhura: I'm not jealous! And magic isn't the word I would use.
Of. Scott: What word would you use, then?
Ensgn. Chekov: I'm confused…
Cm. Spock: I do not understand the relevance of your queries, Lieutenant.
Lt. Uhura: I'm just wondering how you would know how often Chapel is online.
Of. Scott: For a Vulcan, he sure gets around!
Cpt. Kirk: Yeesh.
Ensgn. Chekov: I can't take this
Ensgn. Chekov has signed off
Cpt. Kirk: Byeee!
Cm. Spock: Excuse me, Officer Scott. What exactly do you mean by 'gets around'? My relationship with Nurse Chapel is on a purely professional level.
Cpt. Kirk: As professional as your relationship with Uhura?
Lt. Uhura: Hey! That's not fair.
Of. Scott: I wish my woman would kiss me like that…
Cpt. Kirk: You don't have a woman.
Of. Scott: Oh. Right.
Doctor Lenard McCoy: Medical
Dr. McCoy has signed on
Cpt. Kirk: How convenient you should sign on Bones. We were just talking about you.
Dr. McCoy: What the hell are you going on about Jim?
Cm. Spock: Doctor McCoy, I have the forms from Star Fleet you requested I fill out. I am transmitting you a link.
Lt. Uhura: Too bad it wasn't Chapel, huh Spock?
Dr. McCoy: What's that about Christine?
Cpt. Kirk: So she's Christine ey?
Dr. McCoy: Best damned nurse I've got.
Lt. Uhura: Oh, I'm sure.
Dr. McCoy: I'm just here to get the forms.
Of. Scott: Thank the Lord my shift is almost over.
Cpt. Kirk: You should be thanking whatever god Vulcans have too, Spock. You won't have to wait too long to make it up to your woman.
Dr. McCoy: Wait—Spock has a woman!? Since when do girls like pointy ears?
Lt. Uhura: Since now.
Dr. McCoy: What are you getting at…?
Cm. Spock: I would rather we did not discuss our personal lives on this channel.
Cpt. Kirk: Vulcans. A private race.
Of. Scott: Aye. I wonder what the appeal is to them.
Dr. McCoy: I'm still wondering about that woman you mentioned…
Cm. Spock: There is no woman. When this transmission is complete I am signing off.
Lt. Uhura: No woman?! Really?! Maybe there won't be if you keep acting like this!
Cpt. Kirk: He didn't…. did he, Scotty?
Of. Scott: He did Captain!
Cpt. Kirk: He denied a relationship.
Of. Scott: That's suicide, that is.
Dr. McCoy: Are you saying that… Uhura!? With Spock!? What kind of parallel dimension did I just sign into!?
Cpt. Kirk: Haha! I get it. You get it, don't you Scotty?
Of. Scott: Oh, aye.
Cpt. Kirk: Hahahaha! You remind me of Shrek!
Of. Scott: That's a really old movie.
Cm. Spock: Lieutenant, I did not mean to offend you.
Lt. Uhura: Save it.
Cpt. Kirk: Uh-oh. Drama-rama right here on the Enterprise. This is like a soap opera, but better.
Lt. Uhura: Scotty, Kirk, you and I are the only people that know. I realize it's uncomfortable to talk about, but the fact that you would just discard me like that…
Of. Scott: Don't forget the good doctor knows now, too.
Dr. McCoy: Good God. I thought my love life was complicated.
Cm. Spock: As I said, I did not realize that you would become emotional at my statement. I do not want confrontation.
Dr. McCoy: If you end it now there won't be any messy divorce.
Cpt. Kirk: Shh! Mr. Pessimistic. Let him apologize.
Of. Scott: Does he know how?
Cpt. Kirk: We're about to find out.
Lt. Uhura: I know it's difficult for you to express any kind of emotion, but you're not on Vulcan anymore. You can't just make offhand comments like that and expect me not to say anything.
Cm. Spock: If it is any consolation, I would never intentionally hurt you, Nyota.
Lt. Uhura: I know. I forgive you.
Cpt. Kirk: Was that it?
Dr. McCoy: I think it was. Man, if my ex wife was that forgiving I wouldn't be here right now.
Cpt. Kirk: Then thank God for unforgiving bitches.
Of. Scott: Here here.
Cpt. Kirk: What now?
Of. Scott: How many ways can we destroy his name?
Cpt. Kirk: Sock.
Of. Scott: Spork.
Dr. McCoy: How about just plain o'l Hobgoblin?
Cpt. Kirk: That doesn't quite fit the flow…
Lt. Uhura: Stop it, all of you.
Dr. McCoy: I'm sure he's heard it all before.
Cm. Spock: Indeed. These versions of my name are hardly imaginative.
Dr. McCoy: I still can't get over the fact you and Spock are involved.
Cpt. Kirk: Ah, now there's a good question. Just how 'involved' are they?
Of. Scott: First base?
Cpt. Kirk: Second?
Of. Scott: Third?
Cpt. Kirk: Home?
Cm. Spock: I do not understand how references to bases are relevant to the current conversation.
Cpt. Kirk: Aw, is your face turning green?
Of. Scott: That makes it sound like he's gonna be sick.
Cpt. Kirk: Do Vulcans get sick?
Lt. Uhura: What a stupid question.
Cpt. Kirk: I don't know. They all seem so healthy.
Cm. Spock: Vulcans get sick just as humans do, Captain. Perhaps not as frequently.
Dr. McCoy: Good job in steering the conversation away from you and Uhura.
Cm. Spock: Thank you, Doctor. Regrettably, I must sign off.
Lt. Uhura: See you later.
Cpt. Kirk: Yeah she will.
Of. Scott: The question is where.
Dr. McCoy: In my experience with liaisons, I'm pretty sure it's customary for the man to visit the woman's bedchamber.
Cm. Spock has signed off
Cpt. Kirk: Live long and prosper.
Dr. McCoy: My Lucky Charms are missing.
Cpt. Kirk: I'll bet Spock speaks leprechaun.
Dr. McCoy: He is half elf.
Of. Scott: Imagine Spock picking all the sweet little marshmallows out of the cereal, and only leaving the bland bran stuff?
Cpt. Kirk: I can so see him doing that.
Lt. Uhura: Actually, he has quite a sweet tooth.
Cpt. Kirk: Mmmm, I'm sure.
Of. Scott: You would know, tootsie roll.
Cpt. Kirk: I'll bet he just eats you up.
Lt. Uhura: Duty calls.
Lt. Uhura has signed off
Dr. McCoy: It seems everyone his avoiding us.
Officer Hikaru Sulu: Helm
Of. Sulu has signed on
Of. Sulu: christine?
Cpt. Kirk: Yes darling.
Of. Scott: Sweetie, I've been terribly unfaithful.
Dr. McCoy: You see, I've developed an interest in… pointy ears.
Of. Sulu: wht? srry im looking 4 nursee chapel
Dr. McCoy: Idk, my bff Jill?
Cpt. Kirk: Omg UR so funnai
Of. Scott: Lol!
Of. Sulu: is she here?
Dr. McCoy: Why are you looking for her?
Of. Sulu: i need 2 give her a form
Dr. McCoy: Yeah, yeah. That's what they all say. You could just give it to me.
Of. Sulu: this is mi immunizations
Dr. McCoy: I can definitely take those.
Of. Sulu: y isnt she here? 12 is wen she signs on.
Dr. McCoy: I don't know. I'll go check. Be right back.
Dr. McCoy has gone idle
Cpt. Kirk: This is awkward…
Of. Sulu: wht r u all doin on the chat?
Cpt. Kirk: Boredness.
Of. Scott: Nothing else better to do.
Cpt. Kirk: It's a slow day.
Of. Sulu: do u come on often?
Cpt. Kirk: Jesus man, enough with the abbreviations! I feel old…
Of. Scott: YOU feel old, I can't even read what he's saying!
Of. Sulu: it takes 2 much time 2 do it the other way
Lt. Uhura has signed on
Cm. Spock has signed on
Cpt. Kirk: Back? Did you have enough making out in the halls?
Cm. Spock: Quite to the contrary, Captain. Lieutenant Uhura and myself were attending to business in the engineering bay.
Of. Scott: I can vouch for that. They had to fix one of the main translators.
Cpt. Kirk: Did they do anything that made you feel uncomfortable, Scotty? Or tingly in places that you can't speak of?
Of. Scott: They were painstakingly chaste, Sir.
Of. Sulu: wait spock nd uhura r 2gether?
Cpt. Kirk: Get with the program!
Nurse Christine Chapel: Medical
Nurse Chapel has signed on
Dr. McCoy: Found her!
Of. Sulu: christine i hav mi immunizations
Nurse Chapel: Oh, good. Thank you Mr. Sulu.
Of. Sulu: bi
Of. Sulu has signed off
Cpt. Kirk: Who's bi? Sulu?
Of. Scott: No, isn't he gay?
Lt. Uhura: So. Christine. How's life?
Nurse Chapel: Alright, I suppose.
Lt. Uhura: Still single?
Nurse Chapel: Yes, unfortunately.
Lt. Uhura: Have your eye on anyone?
Nurse Chapel: Uh, why do you want to know?
Lt. Uhura: Just curiosity. You know, girl talk. I'm so bored up here.
Nurse Chapel: Ugh, so am I.
Cpt. Kirk: CATFIGHT!
Of. Scott: Ssh!
Nurse Chapel: Okay, then…
Lt. Uhura: Anyway. Your hair has been looking great lately. New shampoo?
Nurse Chapel: Yes, actually. It's Tresemee. It really helps with the bounce.
Lt. Uhura: It sure does. Is the extra effort on account of anything special, or did you just feel like it?
Nurse Chapel: Now that you mention it, I have been setting my sights on someone recently…
Lt. Uhura: Really? Tell me all about him.
Nurse Chapel: Well, he's kinda the tall dark and handsome type, I guess. I won't tell you who he is, but let's just say this one is going to be a bit of a challenge.
Lt. Uhura: Well, you'd better be up for it.
Cpt. Kirk: I sure am!
Of. Scott: Oh boy. Tall, dark, handsome, challenging, sound familiar?
Cpt. Kirk: It's me, of course!
Lt. Uhura: It'd better be.
Cm. Spock: Good day, Nurse Chapel.
Nurse Chapel: Oh! Mr. Spock, I didn't realize you were on this channel. It was very nice to hear from you yesterday.
Lt. Uhura: What??
Cpt. Kirk: Oh Christ. Should have just kept your Vulcan fingers off the keyboard.
Lt. Uhura: I mean, you were down there yesterday, Mr. Spock?
Of. Scott: Down where?
Cm. Spock: Ms. Chapel needed some assistance with her tricorder.
Cpt. Kirk: You know, I think he's actually oblivious enough to believe it!
Lt. Uhura: He'd better be.
Nurse Chapel: Who?
Of. Scott: Me, Nurse. We were having a conversation before you arrived.
Nurse Chapel: Oh. Mr. Spock, if you wouldn't mind, I do need some assistance with my PADD. It's been running a little slow.
Dr. McCoy: Nurse, if you wouldn't mind going back to your post.
Cm. Spock: Of course I will oblige.
Cpt. Kirk: Shameless!
Nurse Chapel: Yes Dr. McCoy. Goodbye everyone.
Dr. McCoy: Bye.
Cpt. Kirk: Keep one eye open tonight.
Cm. Spock: Goodbye.
Of. Scott: Watch your back.
Lt. Uhura: I'm always up for a challenge, blondie. Bring it on. He's mine.
Nurse Chapel: What?
Dr. McCoy: Goodbye, Nurse.
Nurse Chapel has signed off
Lt. Uhura: …
Cpt. Kirk: The ominous three dots of death.
Of. Scott: Uh-oh.
Lt. Uhura: You may be too wrapped up in your Vulcan chivalry to realize it, but that woman is on a quest, and if you let her any closer than she needs to be I'll go down there and beat her myself. Understand?
Cm. Spock: I believe I have broken yet another human relationship rule.
Cpt. Kirk: Good luck with that.
Dr. McCoy: Glad it's not me.
Cpt. Kirk: Uhura, if I were in his position, I would never hurt you like that. You know that, babe.
Dr. McCoy: Keep your pants on.
Cpt. Kirk: I have a feeling we were meant to be. Who knows? In another universe, another one of those parallel dimensions Spock is so fond of mentioning, we could have been together.
Lt. Uhura: Only if I were severely drugged up and/or hallucinating, Captain. That's a promise.
Dr. McCoy: Don't give him ideas!
Cpt. Kirk: Who knows. Could happen.
Of. Scott: Right. And Spock will really kiss Nurse Chapel.
Dr. McCoy: Hey, it could happen. He could be caught in a moment of fiery, heated, uncontrollable lust.
Cpt. Kirk: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Of. Scott: AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!HAHAHA!!!
Dr. McCoy: YEAH RIGHT!!!
Cm. Spock: Captain Kirk, I will admit to feeling a slight frustration with your flirtations with the lieutenant and I implore you to cease.
Dr. McCoy: Did Spock just say the words, "I will admit to feeling"?
Of. Scott: I'm frightened, Captain. The end is upon us.
Cpt. Kirk: Pray to Jesus! The apocalypse is near!
End Notes: You have no idea how much fun that was to write. No. Idea. I can still hear Uhura yelling at me. Spock is begging me to stop. Kirk and Scotty are slightly annoyed that they bit off Fred and George Weasley. I love Dr. McCoy. Nurse Chapel should burn in Hell.