Disclaimer: Twilight, I don't own it
A/N: I read this idea on another fan fiction site (many months ago, and I didn't finish reading the story). My story is going to be vastly different from that one (there were actually two, but they were both so similar it was like they were the same). So, I guess this is my other disclaimer!
**Added 12/31: I am working with a new beta/s from Project Team Beta. You can find them thru the Live Journal community. Andrea and Jennifer re beta-ed this one. Sorry for the long wait for chapter 5, but it's coming soon! Thanks!
BPOV
My stomach hurt. It was the first real thing I let myself feel since two nights ago. I realized it was my bladder; it was full, painfully full. I started to stretch out a little and my knees popped loudly. My legs were so stiff I wondered if I would be able to walk on them. Of course if I fell, Edward would catch me before I even had time to feel the cold floor.
But Edward was gone.
He left me.
Blind panic forced its way into my chest and I started to hyperventilate. The sobs that came out of my mouth were loud and foreign; I wondered if it were really me that was crying. It could be a movie, or a neighbor. Of course, no neighbors lived close enough to hear crying. I always liked that we didn't have close neighbors. No one to spy on Edward and me. My breathing started to escalate as I dry heaved for what seemed an eternity. Flashes of his smile, his perfect jaw, played in my mind. I easily remembered the feel of his cold fingers that caused a different kind of chill to course through my body when he touched me.
I realized I was losing my mind.
"Bells, are you ok? Daddy is here, honey. Daddy is here and everything is going to be just fine, sweetie." My dad looked at me with real fear in his eyes as he stroked my chaotic hair. I have never seen him like this. Is this the way he looked when mom left him? The creases in his forehead looked much deeper than before. He looked older to me. It seemed as though I aged him with each of my sobs. I felt as if I have aged fifty years overnight. My heart ached with a never ending pain, and my stomach clenched again, but not from another bout of dry heaves.
Oh, that's right; I realized that I still needed to use the bathroom. My bladder ached painfully, as if to prove the point even further. It was funny, in the midst of my emotional breakdown, I was having a totally lucid thought while my body continued to sob of its own accord.
I can't go on like this much longer. My heart will literally fucking explode from despair.
Did I just curse to myself?
"I'm fine, Charlie," I managed to choke out between the horrific cries that would not end. "I need to use the bathroom."
"Let me help you up, honey." Charlie was utterly lost. I'm sure hysterical teens were not his forte. He grabbed my elbows and pulled me into a sitting position. That's funny, I thought I was sitting. My brain was only functioning on half of a tank. I started to stand up and my vision swam; I started to collapse under the weight of my new future, just realized.
"Oh, okay, Bells, I gotcha. Don't worry, Ol' daddy here will make sure you get to the bathroom just fine. I love you Bella. Everything is going to be fine." The creases grew deeper as I looked into his eyes. He had aged another five years in the span of five minutes. I took a deep, chest shuddering breath and clamped my hands around my father's arm. The strange crying bout was over for the moment and I nodded my head at Charlie, indicating I was ready to move.
I shuffled to the bathroom, Charlie dutifully at my side, and attempted to put a name to my new reality.
Gone.
It was the only thing I could think as I sat on the pot releasing my full bladder. He left me. He was gone. My whole life, my everything, was now gone. My knees were wet, and I touched them. Did I pee on myself? How did my knees get wet? My foggy mind couldn't quite figure out what was going on. As I pondered the wetness, a tear fell, and added itself to the growing dark spot.
I was crying again. Without my knowledge or permission, my eyes overflowed like a broken dam. I brought my hands up to my face and the wracking sobs began, again, to tear my body apart.
I pulled my comforter up to my chin. I wanted to crawl under and hide for all of eternity. Eternity. What a joke.
How did I get back into bed? Time was a never ending litany of broken thoughts that my mind can't, or won't, comprehend. I wondered, absently, if I at least wiped and flushed. I hoped with everything I had that my father didn't wipe me. Ugh.
Time passed. Another day without him. Another day filled with unbearable pain. Unbearable loneliness. Memories of our life filled my head. Tears fell, sobs came, and darkness fell.
I awoke to my mom stroking my forehead. It felt so good to have her cool hand caressing me. I missed her so much. "Bella, honey, it's Mommy. Can you hear me? Are you awake?" Her voice was full of love and compassion.
I opened my eyes and blinked several times to prove that, yes, I could hear her and I was awake. She smiled a beautiful smile and kissed my cheek, my forehead and my hair. "Mom," I cringed at the sound of my voice, gravelly and rough from lack of use. "When did you get here?" I asked.
"Yesterday. You don't remember?" Her brow furrowed as my stomach began to ache again. Time had little meaning to me; hours passed as mere minutes, and days became hours.
"No," I whispered, feeling the tears gather and slide down my cheeks.
"Honey" she paused, looking at me with eyes full of pain and suffering, "Your dad called me right away, after…." she trailed off, shaking her head sadly. "He's been so worried about you. You won't leave your bed; I came as quickly as I could. You should come home with me, Bella. You should leave this dreadful place…it only holds bad memories for you now. Please?" Her pleading ripped into my already shredded heart.
A memory started to creep back into my consciousness. I was tearing clothes out of my mom's hands. She was attempting to pack a suitcase for me. She was repeating over and over that everything would be fine, I would get better, I could do better than him. Then, my world went red and I screamed at her and dad.
How dare she take away my pain. How dare she try to make me leave my home. I had acted like an ass.
"Oh, mom. I'm so sorry." A deep sob escaped from my chest as my mom stroked my hair, cooing softly, trying, and failing, to soothe my ragged nerves.
"Honey, it's fine. I love you and if you want to stay here, I'll support you. I think you need to see someone, though, to help you get through this…spot you're in."
"Like a shrink?" Renee winced at my high pitched answer. I didn't need a shrink, I needed Edward. More tears and sobs racked my body, shaking me to my core. Why did he leave me? Why didn't he love me anymore? I sunk into the comfort of my bed, pulling the blankets up to protect my sore eyes from the bright light that streamed through the window. I could vaguely smell him on my sheets, and I gulped it in, desperately seeking every last molecule of his essence.
"It's okay, honey, you don't have to…I just thought maybe you would want to talk to someone who could help you. You just seem so lost, and sad. I'm sorry, I won't ever bring it up again, I promise. Okay?" She nodded her head, and I know she thought I was losing my grip on reality. It's the same nod she used to give Gran after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I wasn't crazy.
I was heartbroken.
I was soul-broken.
I let my eyelids close, and welcomed blissful sleep once again.
Don't leave me, please!!" I scream at him as my heart rips apart. Edward laughs at me, a sneer on his beautiful face. I reach out to touch his hand, but he leaps up into a tree. "You're not worthy of my love, Bella. I no longer wish to be burdened by you. Your clumsy, slow human ways are no longer my concern. Find another silly human with whom to share your boring life. I am done with you." Edward laughs, loudly and with glee as he jumps out of the tree and bows deeply. "Dear Bella, I leave you in peace." And he is gone in an instant. I stand there, stupidly, staring at the place he just stood. Maniacal laughter can be heard floating through the forest as the tears start to stream down my cheeks. I frantically search for Edward. It is dark, but I must find him; I must explain to him how sorry I am about cutting myself, about being clumsy and slow. I look for his footprints in the dirt floor, but it is suddenly covered in snow. I start shivering and realize I have no clothes on. I suck in a deep breath as I start to run back to the house. Charlie is standing there, hands on his hips, shaking his head at me. "Bella, you know better than to go out into the forest without any clothes on. Edward is not your protector anymore, he doesn't want you, you are all alone." I fall down on my knees, and lay my forehead on the cold, wet ground. I don't deserve Edward or his love, and even Charlie knows this. I start to shake uncontrollably. I start digging, attempting to cover myself in dirt so that I am no longer cold. I uncover a thick metal shield, in the shape of a diamond. I start to dig further out to uncover the whole thing. It is very big and when I touch it I realize it's soft, like a sponge. I pick it up and it sparkles in the moonlight. I look around, but Charlie is gone, the forest is gone, and I am alone.
My own screams woke me. My mom ran into my room. Her eyes were wild and filled with fear. "Bella! Bella! Are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" She wound her arms around me as I started to cry, again.
Charlie was right behind her, gun in hand, and looked quickly around the room. "What's going on here? What's happening? Is someone trying to break in?" Charlie stalked to the window, looking out with narrowed eyes.
"I had a bad dream," I managed to choke out. The images were already starting to fade. The ugly sneer, the cold snow, the sparkly shield. None of it made any sense, and yet, something was starting to work in the back of my mind. I didn't want to think, I just wanted to sleep. "Mom, I'm sorry I scared you."
I let my eyes slide shut again. Another day. Another night. Another nightmare and accompanying scream. This time, after my parents left, I lay awake in my bed, contemplating the ceiling. I missed him so much. I didn't think I could face my future alone, without him. I still didn't understand what had happened. Jasper lost control, but he hadn't hurt me, and his expression was one of pure remorse. Edward was so distant afterwards; it was like he had already left me. I wonder if he had planned this from the beginning, as a way to leave me…an easy excuse. I pushed it away, not wanting to face the logic of my thoughts.
What was I going to do without my love? Half of me was gone, missing, lost. The terrible sneer on nightmare Edward's' face was so ugly, so hurtful. He didn't love me anymore, if ever at all. That one thought hurt the most of all. I had given him everything in me, and he crumpled it up and threw it away like a piece of trash. That is what my heart was to him, I suppose, a piece of trash.
I didn't want to think about him anymore. I closed my eyes, yet again, and waited for sleep to come while silent tears fell down my cheeks.
Eighteen hours later, I stumbled out of bed into the dark of night, to empty my bladder. I vaguely remember drinking some water a few days ago, but I couldn't be certain when. A terribly painful knot formed in my stomach, and seemed to have staked a claim. I held my middle, like a little old lady trying to keep her behemoth of a purse close to her so some young "whipper-snapper" won't try and steal it. I walked slowly and with trepidation towards the toilet. My legs ached from lack of use, and my back hurt all over as I tried to straighten up, sending bolts of pain up and down my spine. My arms were tingling and I shook them around to get my blood flowing.
I flipped on the light in the bathroom, and the flash of blinding white light hurt my head in a very surreal way. When was the last time I was in the light? I can't seem to remember.
After what seems like an eternity on the commode, I stand and shuffle over to the sink, intent on cleaning the fuzzy layer of bacteria off of my teeth. As I glance at the mirror, I gasp. My eyes were sunken and dark circles surrounded them; my hair was a tangled nightmare. I momentarily considered shaving my head; that would show him, he always loved my hair. I missed how he would stroke it while I fell asleep in his cold arms. I closed my eyes as the memory unleashed a torrent of tears.
I clutched the sink and waited for my quiet sobbing to stop, and after awhile, it did. I wiped my face and brushed my teeth thoroughly without looking at the mirror again. "Get a hold of yourself, Bella," I whispered to the sink, "He is gone, and you have to make yourself function. You can't hide in your room for the rest of your miserable existence." The sink offered no response. I sucked in a deep, ragged breath and shuffled back to my bedroom.
Sleep did not come this night.
I tossed and turned and tangled my hair and my legs in my sheets. I cursed the night, the stars and the sky for existing. Why did the night have to be so long, so heartbreakingly silent? I missed my lullaby. I missed his sweet breath, his delicious scent, his touch.
At four thirty in the morning, I decided to make breakfast for Charlie. I needed to walk, to breathe, to eat. The thought of eating was actually quite nauseating to me, but I couldn't exactly remember the last time I did eat.
I didn't even know what day it was.
I walked quietly down the stairs and into the kitchen. The calendar said it was Wednesday. I blinked my eyes several times. I was numb as realization hit. I had been in bed for a week and a half. His face started to form, the words echoing in my ears, and I clutched the counter fiercely. I inhaled deeply and forced the thought of him out of my mind.
That son of a bitch left me. He told me he loved me, he held me night after night, he promised to keep me safe.
He left me alone.
A new emotion was taking over, suddenly and completely. I was angry. Damn angry. What right did he have to decide my future for me? What gave him the fucking right to take away my extended family? Who the fuck did he think he was? Why the fuck was I saying fuck so much?
I decided I liked it.
I laughed in spite of myself, because I wasn't a curser. Mom didn't think it very lady-like, and she rarely cussed; Charlie, being the Chief and all, didn't think it good for the public image, so his cursing was kept to a minimum as well.
Things were going to change, starting now. Anger would be a useful new tool for me. I was always the soft one, the compliant one. My youth had been wasted on Renee, taking care of her, watching over her, listening to her silly dreams for the future. I was not unlike him when it came to taking care of my mom. He was the one to take care of me, to save me so many times, in more than just physical ways. I was changed, completely, because of what we shared. I would have to take care of myself from now on. I would be the one to decide my future, not him.
My future as a vampire.
A shiver ran down my spine as my eyes grew wide. Somehow, someway, I would get what I wanted. Without his help. Fuck him. If I wanted to be a vampire, I would. I had been planning on it, without even realizing it, from the moment I fell in love with him. A realization was dawning on me. The future was wide open without his judgment. He didn't want to take away my soul even though it was mine to give. He would just love that, wouldn't he? His precious, fragile Bella, hard as a rock and immortal. His eyes would pop out of their sockets. His mouth would hang open. He would be furious with me because I would have to put myself in danger to do it.
I started laughing.
"Bella? Are you okay?" Charlie was looking at me open mouthed while I laughed and nodded my head, indicating I was, in fact, all right. He crossed over to me and hugged me tight, and it felt good.
"Thanks, dad. I'm fine. Better than fine, actually. I think I just had an epiphany."
"Huh? An epiphany? At five in the morning?" He said, cocking an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah. I just realized something, and I found it quite funny. I don't have to wait for him anymore. I can still have what I want, I can still be what I want, and I won't let his absence stop me." I was already forming a plan, weaving it quickly and seamlessly out of the fabric of my mind.
I would get what I want. He could go fuck himself.
I snorted again, and Charlie shook his head, and gave me another hug. "It's good to have you back, Bells. Real good. A taxi will be bringing your mom here in a couple of hours. She has to catch a plane back to Phoenix today. She's going to be real happy to see you're feeling better." He let go of me and started to turn towards the fridge. Charlie didn't need any more explanation.
"Mom is going back to Phoenix already?" I wasted an entire visit lying in bed, wallowing in self-pity. I shook my head, quietly berating myself for being so stupid and selfish. If only I had had my epiphany sooner, mom and I could've spent some quality time together.
"Oh, yeah, uh, something about her husband's new job. I didn't ask too many questions. She seems to be happy with her new life. Real happy." He smiled and nodded. I loved my dad very much. I would miss him terribly.
That one thought stopped me cold. How could I say goodbye to him? How could I say goodbye to Renee? I could feel the tears starting to well up again. I was so tired of crying. I would worry about details later, for now, I would take care of my dad the best way I knew how; I would feed him.
"Hey, Dad, can I fix you some pancakes for breakfast?" They actually sounded good, strangely enough, and my mouth watered at the thought of warm syrup and melted butter. My stomach growled loudly. The nausea from earlier was completely gone. My epiphany had scared it away. I snorted again, and bit my lip to keep myself from laughing at the picture of a large light bulb chasing a green sickly stomach down the road.
I might be losing my mind after all.
"Sure," he said quizzically. "You sure you're up to it and all?" He nodded his head the same way my mom had nodded hers at me a few days ago. No, "Crazy Bella" was gone; she was replaced with "Angry Bella", and "Angry Bella" wanted pancakes with chocolate chips in them.
"I've never felt better, Dad. Now, go take a shower while I whip up some grub." I smiled and actually felt better. I grabbed eggs and milk out of the fridge and flour and sugar from the cabinet. While stirring the batter together, I considered my options. My plan was almost set; it was just a matter of time before I could put it into action.
I could be patient.
After breakfast, I took a hot shower, letting the water wash me clean of my sorrows once and for all. I would cry no more tears for him. He had broken my heart and I would not waste another sob on him. I had too many things to take care of before I left. I smiled as I got out of the shower, but my smile faltered after I looked at my hair. Amy Winehouse had nothing on me and my self-imposed beehive
Thirty minutes later, my hair was combed and I was dressed in clean jeans and a t-shirt. I bounded down the stairs and started cleaning the kitchen, whistling as I washed the few dishes from breakfast.
My mom was ecstatic when I answered the door. "Bella!!!" She squealed and hugged me tightly. We chatted while I made her some fresh pancakes and coffee. "I was so worried you wouldn't be better before I had to leave. Phil has been traded again, and we have to pack." She babbled on about Phil's new team and how she was so happy for him. I dutifully nodded my head, adding in the appropriate "Oh's" and "Uh-huh's" when needed.
I was going to miss her too.
"Are you sure you are okay, honey? You really scared me, you know. I mean, the fit you threw when I tried to pack your clothes for you!"
"I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry for what I put you and dad through."
"Everything is going to be just fine now," she said as she patted my hand. "Don't worry honey, it's all over now. You're better, and you can get back to your life and forget all about Ed-"
I shot a warning glance at her. Don't say his fucking name to me, ever.
She nodded her head in understanding.
My father cleared his throat noisily. "Well, it's almost time to leave. Bells, you going to school today?" Charlie was standing at the edge of the kitchen, looking slightly uncomfortable around my mother. He was still in love with her after all these years, preferring to live with memories of his old life, a life my mother had forgotten.
I would not live my life in the shadow of his memory.
I would have a new life.
"Uh, yeah dad, I mean, I do want to go to college someday, y' know?" Maybe, if I felt like it later.
"Great! You ready, Renee?" Charlie looked quickly at his watch. "We better get a move on, unless you want to catch a later flight?"
"Oh, no, I'm ready. I think." Renee was on the verge of tears as she turned towards me and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, soaking in all the love and hope and happiness she was giving to me with her embrace.
I was really going to miss her.
I kissed them both goodbye, and watched my dad open the cruiser's door for my mother. He was taking her to the airport before he went to work. I went upstairs and got my backpack, ready to start my new life without him.
Chapter notes:
Dreams: snow represents feeling alone or neglected. Digging in the snow and finding something represents exploring and accessing an ability you didn't know you had. Nakedness in dreams reflects your vulnerability. Bella is naked because she wants to be something that she no longer is, a vampire's girlfriend, and she feels vulnerable without Edward and his protectiveness. Charlie, as the father figure, is shaking his head, confirming her fear of not being good enough for Edward. Finding the shield? Well, we all know what that means!