Date: March 16, 2198
Location: Space Outpost orbiting Alpha Centauri, A and L Liquor Lounge
Back story: Humankind has been at war with the pictonians for over half a century. After decades of struggle, humanity has finally gotten the upper hand. The war is considered to be mostly won by this point, and many of the soldiers on the front line are being brought back home.
Tino Väinämöinen is a stand up comedian who is starting to lose his edge due to worsening anxiety disorder. Despite this challenge, he is determined to try and laugh his troubles off and continue performing. Tonight he is doing a charity performance free of charge for an audience of recently discharged wounded veterans.
"I highly encourage ya to take advantage of the free beverages being offered over at the bar, because the more liquor ya consume, the more funny I've going to seem, heh!"
There were a few polite chuckles and weak smiles from the audience. Tino got a sinking feeling inside.
Maybe those reviews I read were right. Maybe I am starting to become less entertaining. Gah, no! No, my career can't go on a downward slope yet, I'm not even 25! Come on Tino, ya can make 'em laugh, believe in yourself!
Tino gave them all a nervous smile and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
"Heh, sounds like ya guys need some more drinks."
The audience half-laughed a little more. Every audience member wore a facial expression that conveyed either pity, boredom or a mixture of the two. Every audience member, that is, except for a tall, blonde, bespectacled man in the back who was scowling at him with a look of murderous malice.
Oh geez, he doesn't look happy at all! I've never considered it but maybe someone could be so bored by my routine that they'd want to kill me. Heh wait, that's silly! Nobody reacts like that, right?
"S-so my mom bought me a headband for St. Patrick's day tomorrow. It's a great headband, has a little light-up shamrock on the top and everything. But ya see, I'm really nervous to wear this headband, because I'm pasty white and slightly chubby so I'm concerned that if I wear this headband I'm going to get a mistaken for a pictonian."
Tino internally sighed with relief as the audience finally gave him a bit of genuine laughter. He briefly glanced at Stanley Sharp-Stare and then quickly glanced away when he saw that the man still looked like he wanted to take his prosthetic hand and use it to crush Tino's throat.
"Ya know, nobody wants to be turned into a pictonian. But if I did get turned into one it'd be a lot easier to find the restroom on a dark night with the power goes out."
Giggling, yes! Tino had them giggling, that was a good sign. Maybe his career wasn't dying after all. Maybe he still had it. Maybe his best days weren't in the past.
"Of course the disadvantage is that I would never again stand a chance at winning a game of flashlight tag. Ya know, that's one thing the pictonians will never have on us. Superior technology, better unity, fine, they beat us there, but those guys would never, ever beat us at flashlight tag, am I right?"
That got some applause. One didn't need to try hard to get a bunch of wounded war veterans to laugh at the expense of the enemy.
"So I read in the news last week that a Margie Marshmallow * franchise had their inflatable mascot disappear. I wonder if it was a pictonian that saw Margie and said "Oh hey Baby, how ya doing? If you're free tonight then ya, me and this lantern fish can come over to my place for some of the three-way down-n-dirties.""
Of course that worked. Very few scenarios failed to become more comical with the addition of a lantern fish. With the exception of Stanley Sharp-Stare, Tino now had everyone in the audience at least chuckling. He gave them all a warm smile before remembering the announcement he was supposed to make.
"So while we're on the topic of pictonians getting lucky, I would like to announce the lucky winner of this 50 credit gift card for iTunes * *, door prize courtesy of A and L Liquor Lounge."
The room quieted down as Tino pulled a slip of paper* * * out of a plastic bowl and read it aloud.
"And the lucky winner is in Table G, Seat 14! Table G Seat 14, come on up to the stage and claim your prize! Unless ya don't want it, in which case I get to download 50 credits worth of belly dancing music, ha ha ha!"
There was a sound of a chair scooting backwards followed by the echo of approaching footsteps. When Tino looked up and saw the identity of the approaching figure he gasped and nearly dropped the microphone out of fright.
"Stanley Sharp-Stare" was climbing up the steps to the stage, his intimidating expression seeming more ice cold than ever.
"Holy...Martin...L-lantern Fish..."
*Margie Marshmallow is an imaginary ice cream franchise with a logo that looks...well, marshmallowy.
* * We're going to assume that iTunes is still around in 2198.
* * *And so, for some reason, is paper. Maybe the war with the pictonians kept us from going digital as fast as we anticipated.