I've got nothing against the ship, really. It just occurred to me as I was browsing the archives that it's a tiny bit unrealistic how many of these romances work out. I know, I know, it's fanfic and we can do whatever we want, and that's cool. I was just thinking about the odds that both Gray and Natsu would happen to be gay and fall in love with each other based on what we know in canon, and came to the conclusion that, statistically speaking, it was on the "less likely" side of the spectrum. Doesn't mean that it couldn't happen, but there are lots of other stories where it does lol This is kind of true of a bunch of pairings, but I like Gray and Natsu better, so they're my target.
I also might just be too pragmatic to be good at writing fanfiction.
Also, I find something so much more intrinsically appealing about angsty, one-sided romance than about reciprocated love :X
"…What?"
In any other circumstances, the utterly flabbergasted expression on Gray's face would be hilarious and send Natsu into a fit of laughter. As it was, Natsu wanted to throw up.
Shit, he had messed up. He had just been so frustrated watching Juvia fawn over Gray, and then later when he and the ice block had escaped from the guild and Erza's watchful eye to have a brawl for old time's sake, he had been rougher than usual because he was so damn pissed off. He was pissed off at Juvia for being such a clingy little stalker, he was pissed off at Gray for being such an oblivious idiot, and he was pissed off at himself for falling in love with the one person he could never have.
Even Gray had noticed that Natsu was being more aggressive than usual, and he had just kept pushing and pushing, getting more and more frustrated when the dragon slayer hadn't cracked. And then Natsu had cracked, and blurted out the words that would change everything. Shit, his impulse control had always been so bad and his mouth had always been too big, and he had gone and ruined everything after working so hard to keep it all secret.
"I didn't mean it like– Um…" Natsu trailed off, the queasy feeling intensifying.
Gray was just staring, his normally pale face almost white now, looking rather like he'd just watched his friend die right in front of his eyes. Natsu kind of wished that he had just died. That might actually be preferable and far less painful and humiliating than what was coming.
He wanted to defend himself, laugh it off like it was a joke, but something in Gray's eyes told him that the ice mage knew. This wasn't something that Natsu could just play off, not anymore.
"…I was not expecting this." For someone who had been so frightfully angry only a few minutes before, Gray seemed so lost, unsure of how to handle the situation.
"Of course not," Natsu snarled, half turning away. "I didn't just say that. We're going to pretend that didn't happen."
"I had no idea you even…swung that way."
Natsu turned back with a ferocious scowl, hurt and shame clawing at his insides. "Is that a problem?" he demanded.
"What? Of course not." Gray dropped his gaze to stare blankly at the ground. "It's not like that's something that's changed in the past two minutes. You really think I'd be an asshole about something like that? After a decade of friendship? It's part of who you are, and that's okay."
The boys lapsed into silence for a moment, and Natsu darted a look over Gray's shoulder, to where the park stretched on and then melted into the city. If he could just escape… Maybe he could just leave and it would be like this had never happened.
"I totally thought you liked Lucy," Gray mumbled.
"Of course I do," Natsu mumbled right back. "Just not like that. She's a really good friend. I don't know where you guys are getting the other stuff from."
There was another long silence, before Gray sighed and cleared his throat awkwardly. "The thing is…I'm not…"
"Gay?" Natsu suggested hollowly.
Gray sort of half shrugged, half nodded. "Yeah."
Glancing up, he bit his lip and looked around. The sky was just starting to darken into evening, and the few people still hanging around the park looked like they were getting ready to pack up and head home.
"Let me walk you home," he said, subdued.
Natsu flushed. "I don't need to be walked home, thanks."
How was he supposed to get over Gray if the idiot was still going to insist on being too nice? It would almost be easier if Gray would just be an asshole about it. Not that Gray wasn't an asshole, but Natsu had caught a glimpse of all the love and care and painful, self-sacrificial loyalty that lurked beneath that exterior, and that had been the beginning of the end for him.
"Just…let me take you home."
Natsu was an absolute fool for doing this, but he couldn't say no to Gray when the ice mage was like this, and it wasn't fair. He felt like he was at a total disadvantage. Well, he was at a disadvantage, given that he was the lovesick fool and Gray was not.
The boys started up the grassy embankment in silence, neither able to look at the other. They were already halfway to Natsu's house when Gray's heavy sigh broke the silence.
"I want you to be happy," he said, his voice quiet. "But I don't think it's fair to either of us for me to pretend to feel something that I don't."
"I don't want you to lie to me," Natsu snapped, narrowing his eyes at the ground. "I already get it. I wasn't even going to say anything, I really wasn't."
"I'm not going to lie to you. I want you to be happy, and one day I hope you find someone else to be happy with too, even if that isn't me. You're not…messing things up. Or, I don't think so? Look, you've always been like…my best friend. And maybe I can't give you more than that, but I'll still be here if you need me, alright? That's not changing. Not unless you change it."
Natsu stayed silent for several long seconds, before mumbling, "Yeah."
He could feel Gray's eyes on him, knew the ice mage was wanting something more. But Natsu didn't honestly know what would change now that he had screwed things up. He couldn't even stand to look Gray in the eye; how could things just be normal again?
But Gray didn't press any further, and they just walked in silence until Natsu's house came into view. Natsu sped up slightly, eager to escape and go to sleep and pretend this hadn't happened tonight. Gray paused on the walk while the dragon slayer pushed open the door.
"Don't tell anyone about this," Natsu said, pausing with the door half open as he stared into the darkened interior of his house with narrowed eyes.
"Of course not."
"We're going to pretend that this never happened."
"…If that's what you want."
"It is."
Natsu was already inside and closing the door when he heard Gray's soft, "I'm sorry." The dragon slayer turned back automatically, but Gray was already walking away, his shoulders hunched and his head bowed.
Natsu's fingers tightened around the doorframe, and he stood there for a long time, watching Gray's retreating figure and then staring at where the ice mage had disappeared. Then he finally pried his stiff fingers from the frame, closed the door, and curled up in bed to stare up at the darkened ceiling sightlessly, running over the whole incident and cursing himself for wrecking everything.
It hurt. It hurt because he'd been an idiot, because whatever secret little hope he'd been holding onto was crushed now, because he felt like he'd just made a complete fool of himself. And it hurt because Gray had been so nice about it, but at the end of the day, he had still walked away.
When Happy came home and asked why Natsu's eyes were red-rimmed and he was in bed even though it wasn't yet nine, the dragon slayer said he was sick, and summoned up some halfhearted coughs for good measure.
And the next day when Happy reluctantly went to the guild by himself, promising to come back in a little while to check up on his ill friend, Natsu slipped out of his house and ran away.
It was nearly a week and a half before Natsu worked up the courage to return. He knew that he would have worried everyone by disappearing, but he just couldn't make himself face Gray again right away, and he certainly couldn't explain to anyone else why that might be. He wouldn't even be able to use the excuse of taking a job, since in order to do that he would have had to go to the guild before leaving, and then Happy would have insisted on coming with him.
So he had run off on his own, moped around for a week or so until he'd managed to slap a flimsy band-aid on his heart and prepare himself to face the music, and then come back with his tail between his legs.
Now he stood just outside the guild, hovering by the doors and chewing on his lip as he convinced himself to go in. He really had no good excuse for his disappearance, but if he could just laugh and act normal, then everyone would drop it eventually. And he was ready to go back to normal, or as normal as it was possible to be. His heart ached and he still felt his cheeks heat up when he thought about the whole debacle, but he was ready to move on.
He could do this.
Still, it took another ten minutes of loitering before he finally took a deep breath and opened the doors, forcing his leaden feet forward. He quickly spotted the team at their usual table: Lucy and Erza chatting in low voices, Happy curled into a miserable ball as he watched the girls with soulful eyes, Gray solemn and withdrawn as he stared blankly down at the table.
Happy's head snapped up almost immediately and his eyes went straight to Natsu, as if he had some kind of internal radar for the dragon slayer's presence.
"Natsu!" he cried, jumping up and streaking through the air in a blue blur. He slammed into Natsu's chest hard enough that the dragon slayer grunted as he was forced back a half-step. "You came back!"
"Of course," Natsu said with an almost genuine laugh as he wrapped an arm around the Exceed.
"You just disappeared! And you left without me!"
Happy looked up to give the dragon slayer a reproachful look, and Natsu winced.
"Yeah, sorry…"
"Oh, thank goodness you're alright," Lucy said, the stress melting off her face. "You can't just disappear like that without saying a word."
"Where have you been?" Erza asked, her own relief not softening the pointed look she directed at Natsu.
"Oh, around," he said vaguely. "Sorry, I should have said something. But I'm fine."
"Fine, huh?" Happy's scowl turned even more reproachful, and Natsu reflected that he missed those few seconds where the feline had been too excited and relieved to go into pushy lecture mode. "You weren't sick at all."
"Um… No…"
"You lied to me."
Natsu winced. "Sorry."
"What did Gray do?"
Natsu's heart shuddered to a stop and jumped into his throat. They knew? How could they know?
"Wh-what?"
"He must've done something, because it was after you two left to go fight that you started acting all weird and ran away." Happy twisted about in Natsu's arm to direct a dark look at Gray. "And he wouldn't have been so out of sorts if he didn't know that he did something to you."
Natsu followed Happy's gaze and swallowed hard. Now that Happy had said something and Natsu was really looking… Yeah, Gray definitely looked the worse for wear. His face was pinched and ashen, bordering on gaunt, and there were dark smudges under his eyes. He met Natsu's eyes for a moment before dropping his gaze back to the table.
Oh. Natsu realized that running away would have only served to make Gray feel worse too, and he didn't want that. And judging by the disapproving looks Happy and the girls were giving the ice mage, they'd probably given him some grief about his hand in Natsu's disappearance.
"He didn't do anything," Natsu said with a sigh, starting for Gray and depositing Happy on Lucy's lap on the way. "I did."
Gray looked up, hesitated, and then stood, jamming his hands into his pockets and slouching a little as he walked slowly around the table and stopped to meet Natsu halfway. The two boys stood facing each other, neither sure what to say.
"You look like shit, ice block," Natsu said finally.
Gray stared back solemnly. "You don't look that great either, honestly."
Natsu took a steadying breath. "I'm sorry."
"Huh?" Gray's lips quirked downwards and he shook his head. "That's not something you should have to feel sorry for."
"It's not something you should have to feel sorry for either. And I shouldn't have just run off like that."
Gray shrugged, studiously examining the floor. "You needed some space. It is what it is."
"Yeah."
Awkward silence descended once more, no one daring to interrupt until the boys had hashed things out. Then Gray pulled a hand out of his pocket and extended it, leaving it hovering in the air just before Natsu. The dragon slayer blinked at it in confusion.
"Truce?" Gray asked, the word laced with an underlying uncertainty as the ice mage looked up to study Natsu with sad, tired eyes.
Natsu swallowed and dropped his gaze back to the proffered hand.
It occurred to him that the reason Gray looked so terrible was that he had been worried and felt guilty, and that he had felt that way because he loved Natsu. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love that Natsu wanted, but it was a beautiful love nonetheless. Best friend, had Gray called him? That was a kind of love too, and a love that Natsu couldn't bear to lose.
He took a deep breath, cradled the love he held in the stillness, and then let it go.
"Friends," he said, grasping Gray's hand and shaking it firmly.
The ice mage searched his eyes, and Natsu knew that he got the message, understood what Natsu was saying and what he was trying to give up. And it ached, where Natsu had tried to scoop out some of his feelings and let others take their place. He thought that it would ache for a long, long time.
A spark of faint hope flickered to life in Gray's eyes, but his smile was sad. "Friends."
I could've gone a lot more in depth with it, but this is one of those "write it in an hour and a half and post it before proofreading just so that you can get it out of your head already" things. I like the idea, but I don't really have the investment or motivation to write it all out the way it should have been. Sorry :(
(Also, I just get annoyed when one character inevitably gets bashed in these types of things. One doesn't reciprocate the love, making him a total asshole, and then he either stays the bad guy or realizes he's in love and has to beg forgiveness. I like the idea that both parties are still good people who can both be hurt by this stuff, and that there's no requirement that love has to be reciprocated. Not really how feelings work in real life. ...Again, I might just be too pragmatic for this.)