PROFESSOR X'S STUDY.
The Professor sat at his desk and straightened some papers. A conveniently placed grandfather clock ticked quietly in the corner. The Professor put the papers to one side and stared at the clock. The hour hand ticked into place and it loudly began to chime. His fingers slowly steepled.
Prof X: Exceeeeellent. A ha ha. A ha ha ha. MWAH HA HA HA! H-
Person outside door: Hooooooooooooooooooowl?
The Professor blushes and coughs awkwardly as he unsteeples his hands. At least no one had walked in and caught him this time. He clears his throat.
Prof X: Come in, Logan.
The polished oak door suddenly gains six metal blades... which slice downwards through the wood. They disappear with a 'snikt' and within a few seconds a heavy boot was kicking its way through the weakened wood. A short hairy man soon leaps through the hole in the door frame and lands on the Professor's desk. six shining blades extending themselves from his hands.
Wolverine: Raaaar-owl! Grrrrowwl, Chuck?
Prof X: Yes, thank you, Logan, I'm fine. Now could you please get off my desk. And no claws in the Mansion. I've told you a thousand times.
Wolverine leaps off of the desk and lands on the floor. He slowly retracts his claws and goes to lounge in the chair opposite the Professor.
Prof X: And you know the door handle is a much easier and cheaper way of entering and exiting a room. I've only got so many rich uncles you know.
Wolverine: Woof?
Prof X: Never mind that... Now what can I help you with? Your disturbing past giving you trouble again? Lets go into it in great detail, because its just so interesting. Maybe we can devote a whole episode to you howling and running around in your underwear. And don't forget a liberally placed shots of you in that damn giant test tube pod. Its just so interesting!
Wolverine: Groooowl!
Prof X: Oh don't bitch at me, I'm only the bald millionaire who runs this place. Talking of running things...
He gestures to the window. Outside on one of the big expanses of grass the new recruits were waiting for an instructor. As usual they had dissolved into a power crazed fight, hell bent on destroying each other. A hail of ice followed by three balls of lava broke through the window and landed on the carpet in a steamy mess.
Prof X: Go run their lesson. I've no idea where Storm is.
Wolverine: Rowl!
He splays out his claws and takes a running jump out of the window. The Professor shakes his head and sighs as Wolverine disapears in a cloud of razor sharp glass shards.
Prof X: That was a fifteen story drop... Oh well. Time to call... Uncle Jerry.
THE TRAINING FIELDS.
Jubilee: We're mutants!
Multiple: Kid mutants!
Sunspot: Having fun with our powers!
Wolfsbane: Wacky fun!
Beserker: We're kerazy rebels!
Cannonball: ...
Iceman: Blink and you'll miss us!
Magma rolls her eyes at them all and flicks her hair back, a superior smirk on her face.
Magma: Speak for yourself, I got a whole episode where I saved the day. I own you all.
Iceman: At least I get to hang out with the X-Men more often!
Magma: Thats a good thing? At least I'm best friends with Boom Boom! For no apparent reason at all!
Iceman: That's a good thing? She tried to blow you up on the first day...
Magma: Yeah, that's what you think... FLAME ON!
She clenches her fists and become engulfed in lava. Flames taper out on her fingers and she narrows her eyes at Iceman.
Iceman: I'm on a roll and I haven't got my frost on yet.
Magma: Standing on baked goods isn't anything to be proud of. And I guess what its true what they say about guys in the cold...
Magma looks Iceman up and down lifts her arm in a 'speak to the hand' motion.
Iceman: Menopausal hot flashes at fifteen, I see?
Magma: I'll show you hot flashes...
New recruits: oooOOOooo!
Cannonball: ...
Iceman: Let me get your walker out and then you can show me. Because, you know, intense heat ages you in a horrific way. Ask Alyssa Milano and her "Teen Steam" video...
Magma: And you need a lot of maturing. Lets do the math...
She crouches and presses her splayed fingers onto the grass. Minature eruptions crack the ground and Iceman disapears in a blaze of red hot lava. The new recruits begn to cheer...till Dark Phoenix appears. She lets out a mighty parrot squawk and blasts them with telepathic bolts, quickly followed multiple shots of telekinesis. As they lie sprawled and confused on the floor she gets her flaming bitch on.
Dark Phoenix: SHUT THE HELL UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?
Cannonball: ...
Dark Phoenix: Now BOW before your dark queen! For I am the Dark Phoen- squawk!
Wolverine: Grrrrrrrrrrrrowl! Hooooooooooooooowl, Dark Red?
And at that exact minute Wolverine lands on the Dark Phoenix's head. She squawks in outrage and flies off in a flaming ball of fury. Wolverine shrugs and slowly picks his teeth with one of his claws. The new recruits stare at him, uncertain looks on their faces.
Wolverine: *whine* *tongue loll*
Cannonball: ...
Beserker: What he said.
Magma: Wolfsbane, can you translate?
Wolfsbane: I don't know, I can try. Though considering I'm Scottish and sound like a German I might be not be best choice for this...
Her eyes unfocus for a second as thick brown fur begins to cover her skin. Her limbs elongate and digits turn into paws and claws. She pauses the transformation and awkwardly stands next to Wolverine. Feral growls and snarls erupt from her semi lupine mouth.
Wolfsbane: Hoooowl. Roooooorw?
Wolverine: Miaow?
Wolfsbane: He wants to know why Storm isn't here.
Magma: You got all that from "Miaow?" ?
Wolfsbane: Well... some of it was lost in the translation, but yeah, it was basically that.
Multiple: I'm the youngest!
Everyone stares at him for a second and then Raye pats him on the head, causing fifty more Multiples to appear.
Beserker: Oh shush, Jamie, you're too young.
Multiple: I'll show you all!
Wolverine: Hoooooooowl!
Everyone turns to Wolfsbane.
Wolfsbane: He said he wants us to train properly and stop trying to kill each other.
New Recruits: Screw that!
They turn on Wolverine and begin to zap, burn, bite and scratch him. Meanwhile in a darkened room...
Storm: I'm not a snow plough, not a snow plough. I'M NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
Storm whispers hoarsely to herself as she scrawls on the walls in magic marker. Electricity crackles from her finger tips and the magic marker melts. With a sigh she tosses it into a pile of other melted pens and pulls another one out of the multi-pack she got from Wal*Mart, and starts writing again.
Storm: I'm a weather witch. Witchy witch weathering it up... NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
End of Chapter One.
* * *
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution" :
Storm: The walls... moving in... crushing meeeeee!
Prof X: Ororo? We're outside... there are no walls.
Storm: But the walls, Charles, the walls!
* * *
Jean: Hnnngh! Professor! I can't... hnnnnngh... hold it!
Prof X: Jean... thats a leaf. Its ok to let it land on the ground. Its what Autumn is for.
* * *
Wolverine: Cluck?
* * *
Prof X: I'm sorry, this has never happened before... it happens to a lot of rich bald men I think...
* * *
Storm: I'm not a snow plough! NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
* * *
Cannonball: ...
The Professor sat at his desk and straightened some papers. A conveniently placed grandfather clock ticked quietly in the corner. The Professor put the papers to one side and stared at the clock. The hour hand ticked into place and it loudly began to chime. His fingers slowly steepled.
Prof X: Exceeeeellent. A ha ha. A ha ha ha. MWAH HA HA HA! H-
Person outside door: Hooooooooooooooooooowl?
The Professor blushes and coughs awkwardly as he unsteeples his hands. At least no one had walked in and caught him this time. He clears his throat.
Prof X: Come in, Logan.
The polished oak door suddenly gains six metal blades... which slice downwards through the wood. They disappear with a 'snikt' and within a few seconds a heavy boot was kicking its way through the weakened wood. A short hairy man soon leaps through the hole in the door frame and lands on the Professor's desk. six shining blades extending themselves from his hands.
Wolverine: Raaaar-owl! Grrrrowwl, Chuck?
Prof X: Yes, thank you, Logan, I'm fine. Now could you please get off my desk. And no claws in the Mansion. I've told you a thousand times.
Wolverine leaps off of the desk and lands on the floor. He slowly retracts his claws and goes to lounge in the chair opposite the Professor.
Prof X: And you know the door handle is a much easier and cheaper way of entering and exiting a room. I've only got so many rich uncles you know.
Wolverine: Woof?
Prof X: Never mind that... Now what can I help you with? Your disturbing past giving you trouble again? Lets go into it in great detail, because its just so interesting. Maybe we can devote a whole episode to you howling and running around in your underwear. And don't forget a liberally placed shots of you in that damn giant test tube pod. Its just so interesting!
Wolverine: Groooowl!
Prof X: Oh don't bitch at me, I'm only the bald millionaire who runs this place. Talking of running things...
He gestures to the window. Outside on one of the big expanses of grass the new recruits were waiting for an instructor. As usual they had dissolved into a power crazed fight, hell bent on destroying each other. A hail of ice followed by three balls of lava broke through the window and landed on the carpet in a steamy mess.
Prof X: Go run their lesson. I've no idea where Storm is.
Wolverine: Rowl!
He splays out his claws and takes a running jump out of the window. The Professor shakes his head and sighs as Wolverine disapears in a cloud of razor sharp glass shards.
Prof X: That was a fifteen story drop... Oh well. Time to call... Uncle Jerry.
THE TRAINING FIELDS.
Jubilee: We're mutants!
Multiple: Kid mutants!
Sunspot: Having fun with our powers!
Wolfsbane: Wacky fun!
Beserker: We're kerazy rebels!
Cannonball: ...
Iceman: Blink and you'll miss us!
Magma rolls her eyes at them all and flicks her hair back, a superior smirk on her face.
Magma: Speak for yourself, I got a whole episode where I saved the day. I own you all.
Iceman: At least I get to hang out with the X-Men more often!
Magma: Thats a good thing? At least I'm best friends with Boom Boom! For no apparent reason at all!
Iceman: That's a good thing? She tried to blow you up on the first day...
Magma: Yeah, that's what you think... FLAME ON!
She clenches her fists and become engulfed in lava. Flames taper out on her fingers and she narrows her eyes at Iceman.
Iceman: I'm on a roll and I haven't got my frost on yet.
Magma: Standing on baked goods isn't anything to be proud of. And I guess what its true what they say about guys in the cold...
Magma looks Iceman up and down lifts her arm in a 'speak to the hand' motion.
Iceman: Menopausal hot flashes at fifteen, I see?
Magma: I'll show you hot flashes...
New recruits: oooOOOooo!
Cannonball: ...
Iceman: Let me get your walker out and then you can show me. Because, you know, intense heat ages you in a horrific way. Ask Alyssa Milano and her "Teen Steam" video...
Magma: And you need a lot of maturing. Lets do the math...
She crouches and presses her splayed fingers onto the grass. Minature eruptions crack the ground and Iceman disapears in a blaze of red hot lava. The new recruits begn to cheer...till Dark Phoenix appears. She lets out a mighty parrot squawk and blasts them with telepathic bolts, quickly followed multiple shots of telekinesis. As they lie sprawled and confused on the floor she gets her flaming bitch on.
Dark Phoenix: SHUT THE HELL UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?
Cannonball: ...
Dark Phoenix: Now BOW before your dark queen! For I am the Dark Phoen- squawk!
Wolverine: Grrrrrrrrrrrrowl! Hooooooooooooooowl, Dark Red?
And at that exact minute Wolverine lands on the Dark Phoenix's head. She squawks in outrage and flies off in a flaming ball of fury. Wolverine shrugs and slowly picks his teeth with one of his claws. The new recruits stare at him, uncertain looks on their faces.
Wolverine: *whine* *tongue loll*
Cannonball: ...
Beserker: What he said.
Magma: Wolfsbane, can you translate?
Wolfsbane: I don't know, I can try. Though considering I'm Scottish and sound like a German I might be not be best choice for this...
Her eyes unfocus for a second as thick brown fur begins to cover her skin. Her limbs elongate and digits turn into paws and claws. She pauses the transformation and awkwardly stands next to Wolverine. Feral growls and snarls erupt from her semi lupine mouth.
Wolfsbane: Hoooowl. Roooooorw?
Wolverine: Miaow?
Wolfsbane: He wants to know why Storm isn't here.
Magma: You got all that from "Miaow?" ?
Wolfsbane: Well... some of it was lost in the translation, but yeah, it was basically that.
Multiple: I'm the youngest!
Everyone stares at him for a second and then Raye pats him on the head, causing fifty more Multiples to appear.
Beserker: Oh shush, Jamie, you're too young.
Multiple: I'll show you all!
Wolverine: Hoooooooowl!
Everyone turns to Wolfsbane.
Wolfsbane: He said he wants us to train properly and stop trying to kill each other.
New Recruits: Screw that!
They turn on Wolverine and begin to zap, burn, bite and scratch him. Meanwhile in a darkened room...
Storm: I'm not a snow plough, not a snow plough. I'M NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
Storm whispers hoarsely to herself as she scrawls on the walls in magic marker. Electricity crackles from her finger tips and the magic marker melts. With a sigh she tosses it into a pile of other melted pens and pulls another one out of the multi-pack she got from Wal*Mart, and starts writing again.
Storm: I'm a weather witch. Witchy witch weathering it up... NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
End of Chapter One.
* * *
Next time on "X-Men: Devolution" :
Storm: The walls... moving in... crushing meeeeee!
Prof X: Ororo? We're outside... there are no walls.
Storm: But the walls, Charles, the walls!
* * *
Jean: Hnnngh! Professor! I can't... hnnnnngh... hold it!
Prof X: Jean... thats a leaf. Its ok to let it land on the ground. Its what Autumn is for.
* * *
Wolverine: Cluck?
* * *
Prof X: I'm sorry, this has never happened before... it happens to a lot of rich bald men I think...
* * *
Storm: I'm not a snow plough! NOT A SNOW PLOUGH!
* * *
Cannonball: ...
