DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry potter…. I really wish I did

I stared at the blank paper in front of me. The horrible, disgusting piece of paper starred mockingly at me. I wish I had my wand. The offending parchment would be in ashes, smoking lightly in an empty room. Instead I am forced to sit here and glare banefully at it.

"Mr. Chive, your lines are not about to write themselves. Get to work." Professor McGonagall said sharply before stalking out. I picked up my quill and dipped it into the ink well . . .

I am not allowed to bleach professor Snape's hair.

Telling first-year muggleborns that the only way to protect against the monster in the Chamber of Secrets is to dress in neon yellow onsie, a blindfold and combat boots is not appropriate.

I am not allowed to braid Hagrids beard

. . . Nor can I dread lock Dumbledore's, no matter how much he liked it.

Putting temporary tattoo's of the dark mark on hufflepuffs' arms while they sleep is not funny.

. . . Videotaping them when they wake up and selling the tapes is also wrong.

Doing exorcisms on ghost is not allowed, especially on Professor Binns.

Polyjuicing myself as Voldemort, hiding behind a door and jumping out and screaming "boo" when Harry Potter walks by is wrong and malicious.

Telling Cho Chang that Cedric cheated on her before he dies, with me, is mean. That goes double if I am a male.

Asking people if they want to see my puppy named fluffy, and then leading them to the Forbidden corridor could be deadly and is not allowed. That is why it is forbidden.

I am not allowed to dye Ron's hair green.

. . . Nor Draco's red.

. . . Or Harry's blue, Hermione's purple, Dean's yellow, Fred and George's rainbow. . .

I am not allowed to own or use hair dye.

Professor Flitwick is not a munchkin and asking him where the lollipop guild is, is inappropriate.

Forcing the entire house-elf staff in Hogwarts to wear sock and be fired is not funny and hurts the house-elves more than I will ever know.

Saying I am professor Snape's slave is incorrect and nobody cares if it is my favorite fantasy.

I'm not allowed to write Draco Malfoy a love letter and say it was from Hagrid.

I'm not allowed to tell Professor Trewnally that I just Saw her death and it was in 2 minutes and 42 seconds.

Sacrificing Hufflepuff to the giant squid is not allowed

I am not allowed to curse the Ravenclaws so that every book they try to read turns into a porno

I am not allowed to tell Ron that Ginny is dating a 40 year old alcoholic; it is none of my business. It doesn't matter that I'm saying it because it is true and I'm worried.

Fred and George are not clones and neither one is going to become evil and kill me. Accusing them that they will is obnoxious.

Hermione is not related to a beaver, nor a squirrel or chipmunk. Implying that she is, is mean and rude.

A dog bone is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.

. . . nor is catnip for McGonagall

. . . A collar and lead for Professor Lupin is crossing a line.

Filch in a tutu is not an attractive sight and I should refrain from cursing him to wear one.

Forcing any person/staff/creature in the school to switch gender is not allowed.

Calling Pansy a "Pug-faced bitch" will result in punishment. It doesn't matter if she is out of earshot. It does not matter if I think it is unfair that I should be punished for "telling the truth".

Spreading rumors that Harry is pregnant with Draco's love child is not only stupid but impossible.

Telling the Muggle Studies teacher that in the Muggle Schools kids sleep with their students is not right.

I am not allowed to put unknown ingredients into the lunch goblets to "See what would happen"

I'm bored is not an excuse to charm paper balls to chase Professor Flitwick around the classroom.

I am not allowed to put any type of laxative in anything someone could consume.

I am not allowed to keep a creature from the Forbidden Forest under my bed, especially if it is much larger than my bed.

McGonagall is not having a love affair with Miss Norris. End of story.

I'm not allowed to ask professor Snape if we are making a lubricant every time he announces that we are making a new potion.

They have not, nor will they ever teach me to transfigure a penis and I must stop asking them to do so.

Charming Ron's clothes to run away from him screaming "rape" is wrong, no matter how many people laughed when he ran into the Great Hall naked except for a towel.

Dragons are illegal. The police don't care that you already bought a year's supply of food and it is not refundable. The dragon will be confiscated.

I am not allowed to handcuff together students or teachers to each other.

. . . Saying that the only way to unlock them is by kissing for 40 minutes straight is mean, especially when you pretend to throw away the keys in front of them.

I am not allowed to use compulsion charms to make Slytherins to think it is okay to sing "it's okay to be gay" in the Great Hall.

I am not allowed to use unforgivable on any living person. . . No reason is acceptable, even if they annoyed me.

School wide orgies are not "Interhouse Relations"

Professor Snape is not my father and crawling into his lap and calling him daddy is not appropriate.

. . . No part of the staff is related to me in anyway so I will not be getting extra credit on homework.

Bringing Harry Potter series to Hogwarts to cheat on my Divination test is horrible, especially if I leave it in a place I know Harry will see.

I am not allowed to change to school rule book in any way, including these 50 rules I have written down. These rules will be officially part of the rule book by the end of the year so children like me will not do them.

I giggled quietly as I sneaked out of the room. That was so much better than writing 'I will not make obscene bodily noises in class'. However, it did give me a few ideas . . . too bad they will know who it was.