Three first chapters reviewed by Scousedancer


Chapter 1

The weight of the memories, the blame she felt for the sheer number of dead, not to mention her feelings of helplessness, was oppressive. What hurt worse than all of it was the disappointment, the contempt in Tom Chandler's eyes when she'd admitted to killing Niels Sorensen.

Today, more than ever, the memories of her Mother's death seemed particularly vivid. It was her Mother's death that had fueled Rachel's determination to become a doctor and researcher, and was the chief reason for her relentless pursuit of answers that could only be found in science.

Since Quincy's passing, and loosing Dr Hunter, carrying the weight of expectation for finding the contagious cure had become an increasingly heavy burden. Feeling physically and mentally exhausted, Rachel decided to return to her cabin early, a guard dogging her footsteps, a confirmation of hers status as a prisoner aboard the James, another change she found hard to bear.

Rachel took a shower and went to bed, praying she'd get to sleep without agonizing nightmares that haunted her these days. As she drifted off to sleep, she felt a sense of peace, well-being and scent of flowers, and something else she couldn't quite identify invaded her mind. Her analytical mind noted how different these dreams were, then a voice began to speak in her mind, capturing her attention.

"Open your eyes Rachel," a familiar voice said.

Rachel opens her eyes and froze, staring at the familiar shape. She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a whisper.

"Hello dear, I was not expecting you so soon. You grew up to become the woman I imagined. So beautiful, so strong, but even the most strong need help in the face of adversity. "

"Mum? This makes no sense, you can't be here, in the my lab, on the James! You're dead, you left me alone." Rachel said, feeling like the abandoned nine year old she'd been when her mother had passed away.

"Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry, but you know I've never stopped taking care of you or loving you. You have a special role here now, with people who are important to you. The crew of the Nathan James are you family now, that's why I'm here, where you feel safest, her mother replied, opening her arms to her daughter. "Come here daughter."

Taking slow, deliberate steps, Rachel approached her mother and looked her straight in the eyes. Her mother looked back at her with nothing but love, concern, and understanding in her eyes. Rachel could feel a lump in the back her throat, tears pricking her eyes..

"Do you know what I did? What have I become?" Rachel asked, uncertainty permeating her words.

"My angel, you may have done terrible things, but you did not lose your essence, it's still here," her mother says, touching Rachel's chest the height of your heart. "I'm not here to judge you dearest; you already do a good job of judging herself."

"I'm so tired Mum" Rachel said, snuggling into her mother's embrace. To Rachel, it was wonderful to feel loved again, without rejection or judgment.

"I know you have doubts, regrets, but you have so many achievements ahead of you. "her mother replied, as she stroking Rachel's hair.

"No, I am expendable now, he ... they do not need me." Her mother smiled, seemingly aware that the Captain's good opinion was far more important her daughter.

"You have always been stubborn, so determined, but its an asset that could easily become fault". Rachel's mother replied. "Talk to him, Rachel, your Tom is just as stubborn as you; but someone has to take the first step to fixing your relationship. I can tell how much you miss his friendship, the connection that exist between you."

"Existed ..." Rachel answered softly. "The Captain can barely to stay in the same room as me. I think he prefers the plague... You did not see the way he looked at me like I was a monster, Captain Chandler despises me!" Rachel cried the pain evident in her voice.

"Look at me baby, he does not despise you...he..."Her mother began.

"He does. "Rachel shot back forcefully

"Rachel, you killed a man, Chandler is ship's captain, he lives by the rules, as a leader he has to lead by example. Do you really expected him to act differently?"

"No... I don't know, I just ... Sorensen, that bastard didn't deserve to live, he killed billions through his actions, I don't regret what I did." Rachel says moving away from mother's arms.

"Rachel, it is not up to you to decide who lives or dies. When you make a mistake you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences, "her mother admonished her softly.

"I know, I just did not know it would be so painful. Everything changed and now he acts like he doesn't know me and ignores me. He will never forgive me, I know that now. I'm tired, Mum, I just want to sleep..." I wish I could sleep forever, she thinks

"Rachel Isabelle Scott, running away is not an option." Rachel's mother said, her tone urgent, as if she were able to read her daughter's thoughts. "Tom is disappointed, angry, he feels frustrated and guilty, especially in relation to his feelings for you, not to mention he has his own demons to exorcise. You have been taking care of everyone else, let them take care of you for once, there's no shame in asking for help"

The image of the mother begins to fade before Rachel's eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go, baby. "Her mother continued regret.

Rachel fell to her knees, crying and begging. "No, please don't leave me, do not go away, I need you...Mum, please..."

"Rachel, you're not alone, I've never been far away from you, but now you need to open your heart to him, to your new family, ask for help."

"Mum…take me with you." Rachel said, extending her hands to the ethereal figure of her mother, as she began to fade. Soon there was nothing in the place where mother has stood, only emptiness and a feeling of overwhelming loss.

A cold sensation began to spread through Rachel´s body, as she fell to the floor, her body curling into the fetal position. Tears flowed freely down her face, she felt so completely alone, with no friends or family to whom she could turn or who would care about her.

Rachel felt she had two choices, fight or close her eyes and slip into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness. "Forgive me Mum," she whispers, and plunged into darkness.