Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my own thoughts. All characters and what not belong to Joss Whedon and company.
Spoilers: Up to the end of season 4.
I sit here in my cell thinking back on everything I have ever done. All the fights, my parents, and it all comes down to it being my own fault. I screwed up, and I hurt her badly. I pushed her away when she came to offer her help after the incident with the Deputy Mayor. I tortured her friends; I killed another man just because I was asked to do it. All because I couldn't deal with my own pain or my own inadequacies. She had everything I ever wanted, and she was all I wanted at the same time.
B… No… Buffy that's right, the blond slayer my counter part of the Chosen Two, and I still want her. I still am deeply in love with her, and I can never ever have her or even tell her. She hates me and she has every right to hate me, because I screwed everything up, and I made sure to burn every bridge I had with her and her friends back in Sunnydale. Buffy was THE Slayer, and I'm just sloppy seconds compared to her. Oh we are equals in fighting and no one can match us. Even so… in the end I am nothing compared to her bright white light.
I am darkness, I am evil and yet, inside I just wish I had another chance to make things right with her. I turned myself in, went to prison of all things because she said I should, and yet… she doesn't want an apology, she doesn't want to hear from me. Instead… all she wants is for me to disappear and to fade away. I wish… I wish I could tell her how sorry I am and that if dying would make it any better, I would die for her. Me the big bad dark slayer… wanting to die to make her happy, to make her world a better place. It's ironic when I think about it. Mostly because… well because I love her so much, and since I will never be able to tell her or to be with her, death is preferable than life. Still… I live; I stay in prison when they really can't hold me. I stay here in hopes that she will one day forgive me and return my love.
I know it's a pipe dream, something that never will happen, but I have to hope. Because in the end it's all I have. Oh sure there is Angel, he saved me, but I really wanted it to be her. Because in the end… she is all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. Instead, I pushed her away, I hurt her and I failed her. I failed her because I couldn't stop hurting and stop wanting to hurt others as well. All because… because I could never have her and I never will.
This is my failure, and I must live with it.
AN: I wrote this years ago under the author name of Chronosangel.
