Why? I really don't know why. Maybe it's the way his eyes looks so fierce yet so gorgeous and stunning at the same time. Maybe it's his laugh… Even though the only time I hear his laugh is when I'm getting hurt. Nevertheless, I only know one thing for sure, Mark 'Fitz' Fitzgerald is the only person I love, the only person I want to love, the only person I will ever love. My name is Elijah Goldsworthy, I have never been with a guy, I have never kissed a guy. I have a girlfriend named Clare… Poor Clare, I fear if I tell her about the feelings I have for Fitz, she might hate me forever… Which is not something I want. She's a great friend.. She truly is. If I lost Clare as a friend, my heart would break.
There is also the fact that I cannot, will not, tell Fitz about my feelings, no matter how much it hurts. He's not gay, probably the furthest thing from it. Am I even gay? I haven't given much thought to that part of it yet. If you like a guy, love him even… Find him attractive… Does that make you gay? Or does it even matter. I'm almost inclined to think that it doesn't matter… You love who you love, right?
Ah love, such a bittersweet thing. Do I wish to love? If I love I may get hurt, but I do not think it is in my power to control that… For as I have said I love Fitz… Or is it lust? If it were lust wouldn't I be more interested in the sexual part of all of this than the actual love part? The part where we enjoy the company of one another and spend countless seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years together… So yet again I have talked myself out of the idea that it might just be lust.
As to why I'm even writing this down whilst you, my therapist, is sitting right across from me… I'm unsure. I think it might be because I'm afraid to say this out loud, afraid to say this for if I do someone may hear me even though it is only us in this room. If Cece asks how my session went today, I will say uneventful even though it has been quite eventful.. Or it will be as soon as you read this, for I know you'll wish to discuss it.
It isn't that I don't think she will accept me, because I'm almost sure that she would, she's a very accepting person. She'd still love me, I'm her 'baby boy' as she says. But I do not wish to tell her yet. I'll wait until I really know… Until… Maybe if I get lucky Fitz would want to be with me… If that were to happen, then I would tell her. I would say, "Cece… I'm gay." and that would be the end of it.
Back to the Clare situation… How does one go about telling their girlfriend, who loves him, that he's gay and doesn't wish to be with her anymore even though she is very gorgeous and if he were straight he would still be with her? Or did I just answer my own question? Is that how I should go about that? Or should I talk to Adam about that first?
He is transgender… I could tell him… He could help? Couldn't he? He could help me find someone who's been through this. Maybe that is what I should do. It sounds like a good idea the more I think about it. In fact, I do believe that is what I will do.
This has been a good session even though we have barely spoke. But I will leave as soon as I hand this to you. I do not wish to talk about this quite yet so we shall talk about this at our next session.
Have a wonderful day.
Sincerely,
Elijah Goldsworthy.
