Disclaimer: The author of the fanfiction (babbler) does not, in any way, profit from the story and that all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator.
Babbler: Enjoy and please review. Feedback helps my writing and gives me incentive to keep going.
P.S: In this story I have some fun with the characters. If the rigid Nanoha Universe is your thing then this probably isn't the story for you.
The Angst of Fate Testarossa and Co.
The high-pitched hum of an hair dryer on max power had been marching through my brain for the past ten minutes. My stupid sister and her "hair, hair, long glorious hair…." Now I'd have that tune stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Every freaking morning she has to dry nearly six feet of hair…I mean how the frick does she manage? With the sitting on it, other people sitting on it, it blowing in the breeze, and getting caught in the trees…
I crawled out of bed and balled my bedclothes up into a little mound, making sure to tie a few knots, and then adjusted my pillows and fitted sheet perfectly. Mother had gotten mad at me for not making my bed yesterday…
Ugh, that was stupid. I guess that's why mother says I'm childish. With a glance at the clock I quickly undressed and jumped into my hole in the wall for a power shower. I had my toothbrush in there with me since the bathroom lacked a sink. Seriously what kind of bathroom has a toilet but no sink? I can't even begin to count how many times I've been forced to use the toilet and then open the door with my elbows and lie on my bed with my hands outstretched- like some kind of lazy zombie- waiting for Alicia to do, whatever the f^ck it takes her so long to do, to wash my hands in the other bathroom that actually has a sink like a bathroom should!
I usually showered the night before but I liked to wash my practical shoulder length hair in the morning. I had cut it only recently, at school with scissors, when I realized the end of my hair was wet. I couldn't quite understand why since I hadn't been near any water…but then it struck me like a semi. I had just come from the bathroom and I had sat on the toilet…
"FATE!" the mother unit bellowed from downstairs. I jumped a little and smashed my head against the low ceiling.
Eyes closed and watering I turned off the shower and…slid across the room. A small stream of water was trickling out of my showery hole and almost the entire length of the room. Dammit. I just lay their naked, sprawled out on the cool tiles. It felt kinda nice after a scorching hot shower.
The door flew open. "Would you hurry…" Alicia turned around, "Thanks for ruining my morning."
"You're face ruins all my mornings," I shot back immediately.
"My face is your face," she said placing a hand on her hip and brushing a few strands of hair behind her ear.
"Don't remind me." I got to my feet and slid across to my closet and threw-up on my uniform…I mean threw on my uniform. Though the former I have done in the morning sometimes…especially in the mornings. Black rum and the 7:00 am hour do not mix.
"You always make me late!" Alicia grabbed my tie from behind and dragged me across the room. I snatched up my book bag along the way. She stopped as she reached the door. "You have underwear on right?"
"Uh?"
"Nothing!" She glowed bright red and then turned on her heel to stomp down the stairs.
Technically since we're identical twins we should have the same brains but there was no way the electricians that wired her noggin had his certification. Just like when Subaru tried to rewire something in her car. When you tried to blow the horn, the lights came on, and when you hit the lights, nothing happened at all. At least I tried to be weird; it seemed to come fairly naturally to her.
We marched to the front door and waited for the morning ritual to begin. This morning ritual repeated every morning for the last eleven years. The mother unit would begin by twirling in on a pink cloud of rainbows, and then in a voice that would kill diabetics outright, she'd say…
"Alicia! You look so pretty today." Mother twirled in her aforementioned cloud of pink shit and rainbows. "You look more like me everyday."
You'd think this would be negative reinforcement. You know, if someone said the same hollow morning greeting every single freaking day, rain or shine, like some freaking mailwoman of hollow platitudes you'd think it would lose its value. Any normal person would wonder about their mother's sanity or at least her OCDness but…
Alicia dearest, hopped up on unicorn extract and care bear dander, would glow and visibly hover several centimetres off the ground and then reply, "Thank you mom! I'll make sure I'll fulfill your expectations to the fullest." Then she'd bend over to tie her shoes and that's when you had to be careful. You see, holy light shone out of her ass and if it shot directly into your corneas, needless to say, it burned like a motherf^cker.
But the ritual wasn't over yet. With Alicia bending over wiggling her WMD around, mother would then look at me and say, "Behave yourself," and walk away with the words still on her lips. Again, that whole negative reinforcement thing came into affect like it should work on normal people. I could get perfect marks and glowing teacher interviews, but still "Behave yourself," or win best student role model and still, "Behave yourself."
And then there was the way she said it. Like there was no point in saying it at all because what could you expect from me anyway?
With that idiocy done, we'd finally manage to make it outside and then it was my turn for a little idiotic ritual. It had three steps: cigarette from package, 2. Place in mouth, 3. Light said ciggie.
"How do you think you'll do on the chemistry test?" Alicia sighed, "I couldn't remember which was electron geometry and which was molecular geometry." She'd long ago given up trying to dissuade me from smoking. Now she simply stayed up wind of me and I respected this by not blowing the smoke directly in her face like I used to.
Was it wrong that I've been to almost every chemistry class and have honestly never heard either term?
"I aced it," I threw a fist into the air.
"How? I studied for hours and I didn't see you even touch the book…if you even have a book."
"Aced, as in, I got eleven, like in blackjack. I should get at least one-quarter of the multiple choice right and then at least a couple of pity points."
'When are you going to grow up and actually study," she sighed again with her hand to her forehead.
"You realize when the both of us grow up neither of us will need chemistry?"
She wanted to be an English teacher but I think she'd make a good priest or the next Jim Jones.
"I want to keep my options open."
"You're doing it because the she-thing wants you to do it and I'm doing it because you're a little snitch." I took a long drag and blew it her way.
"Yuck." She waved her arms around frantically and ran further ahead. "You have to think of the future. You might need chemistry."
"I can honestly say when I'm sitting in my box shivering in the rain I won't need chemistry."
"You'll be okay. I'll bring you warm food at least."
"You always know exactly the right thing to say." I honestly couldn't tell if she was joking or being sarcastic…it might explain a lot if she were being sarcastic all the time.
It was my turn to sigh this time and I paused for a few seconds waiting for my sister to get a little further ahead. The shortest route to school took us through a park and seated on the first bench after the first bend in the trail, would inevitably be bitch-prime.
Goldilocks slowed down to wait for me, and now that my ciggie was out, she actually walked by my side. I could see her watching me out of the corner of her eye and she seemed to be shaking a little.
After staring off into the distance for a few seconds, her fingers intertwined with my own. I looked down at her hand and then back at her. Something weird was going on. She hasn't held my hand since we were in elementary school! A light blush filled her cheeks and she was smiling slightly; her eyes bright and sparkly. I wouldn't have been surprised if a light shone down from the heavens and puffy white wings sprouted from her back.
"What's with this?" I held up our clasped hands.
"I miss holding your hand." She smiled brightly, searing my corneas in the process.
"You asked if I was wearing underwear earlier…does this have something to do with that."
"WHAT? NO!" Her glow thankfully diminished somewhat. I don't like third degree burns on one side of my face anyhow…not that I enjoy third degree burns anywhere.
When we were younger we were inseparable. We were always hanging off of one another no mater what we're doing. When our bums were smaller we used to even sit on the same chair to eat our meals. I doubt we slept separately a single night up to the fifth grade.
Walking through this trail with the sun shining through the trees, I imagine we'd make a good picture right about now…
"Good morning Alicia-chan!" The auburn haired White Devil Who Walks Amongst Us waved at us from her usual spot. Piercing-blue soulless eyes locked onto our clasped hands and her smile fell a little.
"Yaaa!" She flew at us and cleaved our hands apart with a karate chop. She shoved me off to one side and then latched onto Alicia, holding her arm and smiling brightly. Well, as brightly as someone who dwells in shadow and farts nightmares can smile anyway.
She Who Need Not Be Named's smile was the polar opposite of Alicia's. Where Alicia's smile caused severe burns with its purity, in polar contrast, Nanoha's smile burned because the particles her grin gave off released all of its energy into the epidermis…you know, radiation burns.
"How are you today Alicia?"
"I'm quite fine and how are you Nanoha?"
"It's a nice day. The sun is shining. How could I be anything but fine on such a beautiful day?"
It was another one of my sister's idiotic rituals. I swear if you took a being so evil that vegetation welted in its very presence, he'd still have one of these sugary barftastic conversations with Alicia.
I reached into my pocket and retrieved ciggie nombre deux of our short trip. I wonder how much I would smoke if this evil one before me didn't grace my presence with equal part dreads and saccharine vomit. I think I may have even started because it kept her out of my personal space. The girl really is a personal space invader in the worse way. She tried to steal my undies once while I was wearing them! It scares me to think of the blood soaked demonic ritual she was going to perform with my poor strippies.
She glared at me from the corner of her eye.
"WAAAAAAAH!" I held out my arms and slowly backed away. The key was to make yourself look as large as possible and make lots of noise so she doesn't charge. It was useless to play dead since she'd just maul you until you wet yourself.
"Your sister is so weird Alicia."
Watching the two of them strolling along leisurely with the sun shining through the large birch trees, that were astride either side of the path, I can't help but refute the notion that I and Alicia would make a good picture when the two of them together are unholy in their picturesqueness. Like ying and yang, the ultimate evil and goodness forever locked in beautiful conflict…I mean vapid conversation. Two perfectly sculpted butts swaying too and fro in unison.
"Stop staring at me dog breath."
"Wha?" As if I would stare at her….The girl scout leader always said not to make eye contact with an angry animal. I never thought what I learned from her would be so valuable.
She let go of my sister for a second and trudged back towards me; hands on her hips and blank eyes. Then with a lunge forward she grabbed my cigarette from my mouth and then after looking at it a second thoughtfully, thrust it toward my face.
I ducked and rolled into the bushes. I have been honing my reflexes for many years for exactly such an event. It wasn't pretty but it got the job done.
I peaked out between the leaves and brambles at the Wicked One. She had gone merrily back to clinging to my sister as if she had not tried to thrust a burning hot object into my most precious orifice...not that they're not all precious.
I climbed out of the bushes and brushed myself off. There was a white cylindrical object figuratively burning a hole in my pocket and I needed to partake. I was hoping to save it for later but desperate times called for desperate measures. I pulled out the doobie and lit that sucker up.
"That's better." I took a long haul on the magical little thing and let the smoke waft out. I wonder if I smoked myself retarded would everything be easier? Smoke goes in…problems go out…mmmm.
"I betcha think your so cool with your tie all hanging loose and the cigarette in your mouth." Nanoha was staring at me. What the hell is wrong with her today?
"…but Nanoha, we've been told since the fourth grade that smoking isn't cool. How could you say such a thing." I took another long haul.
Nanoha's hand flew out and grabbed the doobie from my mouth. You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the first time but thankfully, she ran ahead several meters and placed it to her lips and inhaled. "Look at me I'm so…cough…cough…cough."
"Nanoha-chan, that isn't a…"
"Shush." I gently prodded my sister in the ribs.
"…cough….How…do you smoke this?"
"Just do what you just did but don't suck on it like your performing one of your nightly carnal pleasures. Then hold the smoke in your lungs until you can't handle it anymore and then let it out."
Nanoha did as she was told. The best kind of devil spawn is dumb devil spawn. I quickly took the joint back before she did something stupid with it.
"This smoke smells funny." Smoke spilling out between perfect red lips as she spoke.
"Let me have my fun sis," I mouthed the words to Alicia and she reluctantly nodded but eyed Nanoha with concern. It's nice to have a twin that can almost read your thoughts; the key word being almost. Though sometimes she'll say something that'll make me wonder.
"Your poor little virgin alveoli must be suffering. Why don't you take another haul to put them out of their misery?" I held out the joint and Nanoha wrapped her luscious lips around my hard cylindrical object and did just as I instructed.
I could feel a smile etching its way across my face. Nanoha's eyes were already turning a little red. I didn't smoke this stuff often and it was strong enough to send me to Mars. Nanoha is going to be orbiting Neptune in a short while….muhahaha.
"Sis, stop smiling it's creepy," Alicia mouthed to me.
We continued the rest of the walk to the school gate in silence. Alicia was watching Nanoha with concern written all over her face. I suppose my barely suppressed glee was a little terrifying to her.
Mr. Carson was standing at the gate doing uniform inspections. He'd let you pass as long as you were wearing some semblance of a uniform. It was close to the bell and we were the only students around.
He let Nanoha and Alicia pass without even looking at them, though he pushed his sunglasses down his nose to stare at them as they walked to the entrance. I had stopped to finish my smoke so they were a little ahead of me.
He eyed Nanoha and Alicia long and hard but he wasn't doing a uniform check and with no more than a pleasant greeting he let them pass. He watched them walk to the building as well, again having nothing to do with his teacherly duties.
"Testarossa-san do you just roll out of bed and come to school or do you make an effort to get your uniform to look like that?" He managed to take his eyes off of Nanoha's ass long enough to glance in my direction.
"It's a concerted effort of failure."
"Why can't you be more like your sister."
It's oddly humorous to say that about identical twins. It also irks me everyday that students, mostly girls, walk right pass this clod barely even wearing their uniform and yet I get singled out. Nanoha herself had multiple buttons undone to show off her cleavage and her skirt hiked up so it barely covered her backside; not that Carson didn't notice that thin piece of fabric barely covering that marvellous posterior.
It's not like I'm a total mess. My uniform is clean, though it might be a little wrinkly, and I shower every day. I just don't tuck in my shirt, leave my top buttons undone and never fix my tie. I bet if I hike my skirt up a bit he wouldn't even notice.
The bell would ring soon so I better hurry up and avoid any needless hassle.
Nanoha POV:
Meanwhile in the classroom:
"Are you okay?" Alicia asked.
"Of course." Though it felt like I was walking through water. As if I had weights strapped to my limbs and no one else did.
"I'm very worried about the math test next Wednesday. Have you started studying yet?"
The math test? Have I started studying for it? I studied for something last night with numbers… that must have been it. "Yes."
Alicia eyed me oddly. "Okay."
We walked into the classroom and parted. Alicia sat near the door at the back of the room and I sat near the window. The teacher's seating plan had all the well-behaved people mostly at the back, with the troublemakers at the front of the rows. It was hard to copy notes back here looking past all those heads. The delinquents at the front didn't even copy notes but they had the best view of the board. Life's unfair.
"You're eyes are all red."
I jumped back. Two crystal blue eyes were right in front of my own. Our noses so close they were almost touching.
"Are they." I took out my mirror. Mirrors are amazing. You can see things in mirrors that aren't real but is real since it's just light refracting… reflecting… refri… re..something. I always look so good in mirrors. It's a pity everything couldn't be mirrored.
My eyes were red and bloodshot probably from the smoke and all that coughing I did.
"Nanoha…?" Hayate poked me in the forehead.
"Fate-chan blew smoke in my face." I heard a rustling as Alicia swivelled in her chair and stared at me. Even if they didn't get along, Alicia still didn't like lies about her sister.
"Ohhh? I wonder why?" She smirked. "Alicia-chan, your hair is so shiny and scrumptious this fine morning. How doth thee get it to such magnificence?" She reached out her hands and dropped to one knee.
She swung around to face the other direction. "Do not let the green eyed monster tempt you so for your auburn locks rival my own! Now let us frolic to school with unparallel gaiety." Hayate pretended to skip off hand in hand with an imaginary being.
"We are so not like that…but wait a minute. How would you know anyway?" I've never seen Fate or Hayate speak a word to each other.
"I have my ways." She clasped her hands together and tried to look innocent.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Even with the teacher in the room the two girls in front of me were talking about something in a loud whisper. They kept glancing at me and saying something like they were having a conversation with me that I wasn't apart of. Then again I think my mouth moved so I may have talked back to them. I should pay attention and find out.
"Are you going to the party tonight?" The girl to my right asked.
"I don't think so. I still have a lot of studying left to do and then bible class." My lips moved so I guess I was having a conversation with them.
"Girls! You have physics so please take out your textbooks and start reading from page 263." The teacher went back to writing something, occasionally looking over his glasses at the now completely quiet room. Did the bell actually ring?
I took out my mp3 player and plopped my text onto the desk. He always let us listen to music while we were reading; something about minimizing distractions or some such.
The chapter was named "Free Falling Bodies" and that always made me giggle. Zombies skydiving out of a plane and going thump thump on the roof. Bodies falling to the ground like rain and squishing Fate as they ran around the track in gym class.
Their class was running to the beat of In the Hall of the Mountain King (Techno Remix) that was playing on my mp3 player. Each step taken in sync with the music as they made their way around the track. Stopping briefly feet in midair when the beat slowed and speeding halfway around the track when it sped up. It was almost as if their running itself was producing the music.
There was a blonde
ponytail out their
swaying to the beat.
Big glorious breasts
Rising and falling
in motion to her
running. Probably
sweat drenched now.
Painted on spandex
shorts hugging her
toned…
"Nanoha!" I jumped. "You're supposed to be reading not watching the boys out there sweat." He glowered at me.
Oh yeah…there were boys out there too. That blonde ponytail just likes to catch my attention so I didn't notice the boys. Like a pony's tail swaying back and forth, begging you to ride it. Mmm…I wish I had a pony to ride….Crap.
Nyahaha…I wiped the sweat off my brow. Am I having weird thoughts about Fate again or am I just admiring the excellent shape Fate is in just like last time and how great she looks in her physical education clothes. If I were having bad thoughts about Fate the first thing I noticed about would be something perverted. What was the first thing I noticed about Fate today…that she was holding hands with Alicia! I didn't even notice that her buttons were half undone until I got closer.
"Eraser-chan are you convinced?"
"Sorry Nano-chan."
Mou! Eraser is always so accepting of my mistakes.
"Nanoha please try an answer question 45 on page 123." The teacher glared at me and I grudgingly stood. The skin on my face felt like it was going to melt off.
I stood and opened my book. "There's no question 45."
"On page 123."
"A."
"It's not a multiple choice question."
"..but you said question 4 and 5."
"Question 45 Nanoha! Are you okay? You look flustered and you're sweating."
"I'm fine. I have no idea how to do this question."
"What formula do you think you could use?'
"Umm C^2=a^2 +b^2…"
"Alicia, " he sighed, "help your friend out."
"The answer is 65 m/s."
"Excellent and what formula did you use?"
"Velocity equals velocity initial plus acceleration multiplied by time."
Ding Ding Ding!
I shoved my book in my desk and zipped my pencil case. At least that class went fast. I glanced out the window and Fate was laying face down outside. Ginga was prodding her with her foot but there was no response from the other girl.
"Nanoha-chan?" Alicia tapped me on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Are you okay…I mean am I okay…I mean yeah I think."
"I'm taking you to the nurses office." She grabbed my arm and yanked me out of my seat.
"No! I'm really okey dokey….Alicia…if a guy had a crush on another guy is that wrong?"
She narrowed her brow. "Of course."
Ugh! So blunt!
"Homosexuality is a sin and you'll go to hell and burn forever."
"…but…but what if they just think about it and don't act?"
"God knows your thoughts so you'll still be sizzling for eternity."
"…eternity?"
"Eternity."
I put my head on the desk. I'll have to kick the chair out from under her later…
