When James is near Kendall, he feels like he can do anything. He feels like he could jump off a mountain, and fall, fall, fall, until he reached the bottom, where he would fall into Kendall and melt into his skin, into his bones, and just feel him breathe, feel him ache and laugh and cry and sigh and live.
Because when Kendall's not around, James doesn't feel like he's living. He feels like he's just there, an existence that stumbles around seeking purpose.
Then Kendall comes home and James beams, and Kendall beams brighter then James, then the sun.
Loving Kendall hurts sometimes. It feels like this constant burning sensation in James's chest, like he's about to cry and bleed all at once, like he would explode, love oozing from every part of him.
When Kendall touches him- a simple pat on the back, their arms brushing, their fingers lacing together - James feels lightening and thunder underneath his skin, humming and buzzing and twitching to get closer together.
Making love with Kendall is like a hurricane. It's like James is experiencing everything all at once: the mountains, the burn in his chest, the tears and the blood and the electricity and the love. Then they reach the eye of the storm, and Kendall's breathing is harsh, but he still kisses James, and James thinks that there's nowhere else he'd rather be.
One day, Kendall says he's going out. James kisses him goodbye, whispering an 'I love you' before Kendall gave him a blinding grin and an 'I love you, too, babe.'
James waits patiently for his return. He thinks that when Kendall comes home, he'll tell him he loves him, and spend the entire day making love and making James feel whole.
But then it's 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, and James begins to worry. He feels fear prickle against his skin, and then there's a knock at the door. He jumps up, rushing over, relief flooding over him, and when he opens the door, it's not Kendall.
It's Logan. And he looks really upset.
"James," he breathes, and James knows something is wrong.
"What happened?" he asks, steeling his nerves.
"Kendall...Kendall got in an accident."
James's head spins. He remembers the mountain, the tears and the blood and the lightening and the thunder and the love.
And he faints, Logan calling out his name.
When he wakes up, he's on the couch, and Logan is crying, clenching his cell phone in his hand, his bitter tears landing on James's cheek.
James knows Kendall is gone.
James vaguely remembers Donnie Darko, a movie Kendall really liked and made him watch more than once. He remembers what the old lady said.
"Every living creature dies alone." he whispers, and Logan sobs even harder, laying across James's chest.
"I'm so-sorry," he chokes out, "I'm so so sorry, Ja-James. He...He said he lo-loves you. He loves y-you so mu-much." Logan sobs even harder, screaming and crying that it wasn't fair.
James agrees. It wasn't fair at all.
Then James wonders why he wasn't crying. Logan was screaming and sobbing and ruining his shirt. Then suddenly everything crashed down on James, and he can't breathe.
James clutchs Logan close, fat tears drizzling down his cheeks.
When James was with Kendall, he felt like he could do anything. He knew when Kendall was around, he could jump off a mountain, and Kendall would be there to catch him.
Without Kendall, he feels that he's jumping off a mountain into a deep, dark abyss.
EDITED IT. made it more depressing. which i really didn't want to do, but...it...just...did that.
lame title is lame.
like i saaaiiiddd beforeeee, i was just experimenting with different writing styles.
i don't think i write depressing good. :|
oh well.
