Yes, I am lame. Your stereotypical Gatsby parody, except it needs work.
Nick: When I was young, my father told me not to judge people because they could have gone through different experiences compared to the one's I've had. So, I'm a really good listener. My family is from the Mid-West, and they run hardware business. The reason I came to West Egg was…
Gatsby: Isn't this story supposed to be about me?
Nick: Yes, but I'm the narrator, so the book is more about what I think of you than anything else.
Gatsby: I'd have to disagree with you on that one, old sport. Anyway, who's to say the audience would have the same opinion as your own on this summer? No offence, but you can't really be taken at face value.
Nick: It just makes the story sound spiffy, and Fitzgerald was reading a bit too much Joseph Conrad. I think I still do a pretty good job though, with my added insights and so on.
Gatsby: Yes, but that wasn't really much of your own doing as much as the author's, was it? And how are the readers going to know about what I felt during my reunion with Daisy?
Nick: You know Daisy?
Gatsby: It's complicated. And how are they going to know about how Daisy feels about this all? I'd want to know. Especially since you accidentally say your narration out loud * notices Nick's confused look * don't worry, we'll ignore you.
Nick: Well, you aren't the only one bothered by it. Fitzgerald called it the Big Fault in the whole novel and really regretted it.
Gatsby: We're really breaking the fourth wall here, aren't we?
Nick: And cannon. You should probably go before a mob of angry English teachers attack.
Gatsby * nods * You're right. I've fought with mobsters, Germans, and deranged heiresses, but those English teachers are scary! Well then, thanks for the tip-off, I'll see you again sometime soon, old sport. * vanishes into thin air, because he is Great *
Nick: * clears throat * Ahem. Since we've wasted so much time already, I think I may have to skip to the first time I visited the Buchanans.
Tom: * stands there proudly in his riding clothes * I'm more of a man than you are…. * pauses, then begins to beg * Like me! I'm really a good person, I just happen to be a spoiled jerk that doesn't really consider other peoples' feelings.
Daisy: We're so glad you're here, Nick. Really, we truly are, aren't we Jordan?
Jordan: Can't talk. I'm balancing an invisible beach ball to feel the plight of oppressed circus seals.
Nick: You're really scary.
Daisy: Aren't you two so cute together?
Tom: Care for a drink?
Jordan: No, I'm training.
Daisy: By lying on a sofa all afternoon thinking about circus animals?
Jordan: It's a mental exercise. * They all give her strange looks * What? Golf is 50% mental… You live on West Egg, I know somebody there."
Nick: I don't know anybody...
Jordan: NO DOUBLE NEGATIVES! ... That's one of my pet peeves. Gatsby lives there.
Nick: (is not allowed to answer)
Daisy * spills her drink, screams, and looks around the room nervously * Gatsby? Gatsby's here? Who's Gatsby? I certainly don't know a Gatsby… * laughs like a madwoman, then stops abruptly* Let's go out to the porch.
(They go out to the porch)
Daisy: Why candles? It's going to be the longest day of the year soon. Maybe we should watch for it, I always miss it.
Jordan: (sarcastically) Why don't we plan something? We could get lost frolicking in the woods and couple swap.
Daisy: That sounds like a wonderful idea! Let's plan something! What should we do? Do you think we'll need invitations? Maybe we could go with a toga theme…
Nick: Well, I…
Daisy: Ow! You hurt my finger, Tom! That's what I get for marrying the Incredible Hulk, I suppose.
Tom: I hate that adjective, hulking.
Jordan: You know what an adjective is?
Daisy: Tom reads all sort of deep books with long words in them. Why, just yesterday he finished The Idiot's Guide to Bigotry.
Tom: It had a great moral message. We're Nordics.
Jordan: I'm from Kentucky. And I think we came there by route of England.
Tom: No, I mean, with our awesome white people-ness, we've invented everything cool in the world, like science and art, and stuff. * the telephone rings *
Nick: What about the Chinese, the Ancient Egyptians, the Mesopotamians, and the Indians?
Tom.: … I just need a hobby, okay?
Daisy: Our butler has a bad nose because he polished too much silver!
Butler: You rang?
Daisy: No, Jeeves.
Jeeves: (murmur's in Tom's ear, and they leave)
It's quiet. Too quiet.
Daisy: You know Nick; you look a lot like a rose.
Nick: I don't look anything like a rose, but thank you. * Daisy ignores him again, and leaves *
Awkward silence.
Nick: Sooo… That Gatsby, huh?
Jordan: STFU, I'm eavesdropping. * cranes her ear, and tilts her head to the side *
Nick: What's going on?
Jordan: Tom's got a woman in New York.
Tom and Daisy come back, but then the telephone rings again.
Daisy: Those telemarketers! Always calling at the wrong time! (No one laughs at her joke)
Nick: Are you okay?
Daisy: I'm cynical. I was going to give you an anecdote about my daughter that would give you insight into my character, but would you look at the time. * pushes Nick and Jordan out the door * Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a tub full of ice cream and quality moping time.
Nick: That's not very in character, and you mentioned time twice.
Daisy: Who cares, and time is the most mentioned word in the novel! Now, scram!
Jordan suddenly vanishes as well, but Nick doesn't seem to care. As he drives home, he notices some guy stretching out for something.
Nick: It's a little late to be playing Frisbee now, isn't it?
No response.
Nick: Hello? Dude, are you deaf? *he notices the green light in the distance and stares at it for a while to see what the fuss is about* That doesn't explain anything! (He is talking to no one, because Gatsby left ten minutes ago.
