Today had been a typical one, Robbie and Rex bantered back and forth but were mostly ignored. Tori cast glances to Beck and obviously Beck returned them, just as he did when she first started Hollywood Arts. As much as I liked him, it made a knot of disapproval lurch in my stomach. How could he look at another girl like that when he had Jade? Did he not realize what he had? Nobody would think I noticed so much. My reputation as a ditzy girl with an attention disorder made them overlook me sometimes. But when I wasn't distracted by the colors or cute things I loved, I saw them. Things I knew I shouldn't. There they were, plain as day and sometimes the things I saw confused or even hurt me. Behaviors that I couldn't understand. Mean and hurtful actions. How can somebody pretend to smile and be so friendly, then when that person walked away they turn to disgust? Aren't they friends? Why would you lie? It didn't make sense. The whole mean thing. Yet somehow coming off her, it was crystal clear. Jade practically embodied mean and yet somehow, it was pure honesty at the same time. It wasn't two faced in any way. Jade was mean and she told you what she thought, without regard for your feelings. Was it wrong of me to admire this about her? Out of all the mean people I've met, something about her always felt more inviting. Warmer and alluring. Was it the way she arched a brow daring somebody to continue addressing her. How she could speak volumes of threats without uttering a single word- only presenting a simple, wild flare of her eyes. I swear my body tingles every time I see those eyes widen in warning. It was a weird thrill seeing Jade be so openly herself. My heart would sink every time I found myself thinking about her for too long; she has a boyfriend. I'm friends with him, I like him, he's nice. I sometimes feel like a bad person for feeling this way about her...
Class with Sikowitz began as it usually did. He appeared in some grand and over the top oddball way, and like always I giggled uncontrollably at his goofy antics. I really loved watching him. He was so free and wildly spontaneous; and somehow perfectly grounded at the same time. Some may argue otherwise, but his intelligence showed in his understanding of arts and method of expression. I cast a glance over to the sparkle in the corner of my eye, Jade's eyebrow raised and glinted the piercing. I could see her smirk in my direction. She does that a lot when I giggle. Gives me quiet looks before turning her attention back. The way those green eyes burn into mine make me shrivel into myself and yet again I find myself giggling. I knew I blushed a lot and laughed a little harder when she looked at me. I can't help it. My joy becomes nervousness the moment I feel her eyes on me, and I let it roll off me in warm waves. I laugh and I smile, something she seems satisfied with seeing.
"Romantic improv, kiddies!" My head suddenly jerked to Sikowitz's booming voice. My eyes were wide in fascination and taking in his words eagerly. What crazy exercise did he have in mind today? "When acting you must be aware that sometimes you may be cast in the role of a love interest." As much as I already knew this, I still hung on every word. Leaning forward possibly too much, "This exercise is to give you as little preparation as possible and push you to channel your inner Romeo's and Juliet's." I heard a small scoff from my side, smiling faintly because I knew that sound too well. Jade was of course rolling her eyes; I didn't need to see her to know that. Just thinking about it made my chest flutter- I never understood why it wasn't called butterflies in your chest...your stomach doesn't flutter, your heart does?
"Now, you crazy love birds will be paired with a partner. Some of you may not like who you get, and that is where it is up to you as young actors to convince me otherwise. JADE!" His sudden exclamation of her name made me jump, squealing in surprise. "If I paired you with Robbie, or maybe even Tori, what would you do?" Jade arched her brows in disbelief, but quickly cleared her expression and snapped; "Vomit." I had to bite my lip to stifle a giggle that threatened to escape. Jade seemed to notice this, shooting me a quick glance. Panicking my face fell and head shook slightly.
"No! No! You're missing the point, Jade-"
"Yeah I'm not doing it." Her arms folded over her chest, firming her resolve to resist and do anything she can to not act alongside anybody she didn't approve of.
"Very well! Have it your way." My eyes fell on her for a moment, a burning feeling rose and twisted itself in my chest. What if she did go up there with somebody else? Acting a romantic scene. I inhaled sharply at the thought only to freeze when I heard my name quietly roll past her lips; "Cat..." She never turned my way, but she knew something unpleasant was in my head. Even without looking at me, she knew my every move. Her simple gesture demanding I calm down from whatever freak out that might have been coming. I nodded a few times, brushing my fingers through my bangs and sat upright. Okay. I can do this.
The pairings were a little awkward. Some were good. Others...I don't want to be mean. I watched with avid attention while Beck and Tori took the center. I knew those looks, it wasn't just acting. They spoke things but failed at making it seem only acting. My lip quivered, thinking of what Jade may be feeling. A cautious look over in her direction only to find her eyes coldly narrowed. Why didn't she seem angry? Shouldn't she be furious? Shouldn't there be something showing? The stare she held was one of observation. A deep and quiet calculation. How could she seem so detached from this? Unless...
I suppressed a gasp at a ping of hope bubbling inside me. Was it really going to be over between them? Did Jade really not care anymore? Was she so cold towards Beck now that seeing him with Tori didn't raise any reaction? I know I haven't seen them really kiss or be any kind of close lately but I didn't realize...were they still even a couple? Did she break up with him and not tell me? No! I'm her best friend, she would have told me...wouldn't she?
"Cat! You're up!" My eyes snapped to the stage where the teacher animatedly motioned. All those concerns seemed to fall off me when I quickly got up. Thinking only of the scene and what might happen. I smiled, skipping up to my place and waited for him to pick my partner. I couldn't think of anybody I hadn't seen in the class already perform. Did that leave...?
"Jade! Come on down!" Oh god no. Please not her. This was worse than seeing her with somebody else. Why me? Jade gave me a look, the kind of glance that went right through me. She knew I was conflicted but did she know why? Did she understand all my unease around her wasn't just restlessness? It was her. It was Jade. Always Jade. A hand touching my arm as she passed seemed to release the breath I was holding. She didn't need to say anything for me to understand her. Okay. I can do this. I can...I see her there in front of me. Pale skin. Perfectly smooth, porcelain cheeks. Every dark shade imaginable draped over her body. Her eyes so green and so expressive. I bit my lip, watching her carefully and felt a redness creep up my cheeks. At the sound of her voice, I knew she was off.
"I've packed my bags, love. The car is waiting for us. All you have to do is say you'll come and we can leave this awful place." Jade stepped forward, immediately flawless in her display of fake emotion. Somehow, knowing it was only acting stung.
"But what of my family? What will father think? He would hate me..." I filled my voice with the panic and fear I truly knew boiled in me.
"What does he know about us? He wouldn't accept that you loved a girl, so he forced a suitor on you. That boy, Daniel." I almost froze at her choice of name and how real the venom in her tone felt when she said it. Her eyes flaring were even convincing.
"Giving up my home...my family..." My eyes cast low and painted a sorrowful look over my face. I ignored that Sikowitz was hovering near us, watching our expressions uncomfortably closely while sipping from his coconut. Was he judging our realism?
"I know you're scared. Don't be. All I've ever wanted was to see you happy. Make you smile and feel alive." My cheek lit up when I felt her hand on it. My skin burned and I could feel the sting of gloss coating my eyes. I saw her expression, I read her eyes. It was so real. But she was such a brilliant actress, she could do anything. It hurt. I felt my chest tighten and squeak faintly before I forced out, "How do I know this is real?" I didn't mean to say it. God, I wished I could pull it back. I can never keep any words in my head.
"How can I prove that I love you when all you do is doubt me?" Jade brushed at my bangs and gave me that stare that sent my heart into a flutter. I opened my mouth to try and respond but paused when I heard Rex yell out; "KISS!" My face flushed at the word, eyes glancing down to Jade's thin lips. So smooth and glossy. I wanted to speak. I really tried. She was so close. My nerves tingled and skin prickled. I saw her brow raise and a smirk just flick at the corner of her lips. I knew what was going to happen. I needed to run. Get away. Anything. Anywhere but here. I couldn't. Here frozen in her grasp, some part of me desperate to feel her lips even though it couldn't be real. She didn't really want to kiss me, it was just a scene.
A faint squeal fled my lips when she finally claimed them with her own. I tensed, shivered from her touch and shuddered more than I ever should have. It couldn't be helped, I returned it. Slow and tender, just as she was. Tasting her lip gloss and feeling the softness of her features on my own. Jade was kissing me. Jade West was kissing me! Then suddenly it dawned on me. How could it have left? This was only a scene. I shouldn't feel this explosion of warmth, I shouldn't feel this need for more. I should have ran away the second Sikowitz called her up. I can't...
"Can't what?" I heard her say, looking down at me confused. "Cat? What is it?" Suddenly she wasn't in the scene anymore. Her hands were on my shoulders and she watched me in concern. I noticed then I said it out loud. I felt tears on my cheeks and shook my head, willing this away. My hands moved to knock hers away and she insisted even more; "Cat!" I couldn't be here. Not now. A blur of red flipped in my eyes as I turned quickly; biting my knuckle to hold back cries threatening to spill out. I ran. Tore open the door, ignoring Jade who called behind me; "Cat, wait!"
This was ridiculous. I'm better than this. I know I am. It's just Jade. I shouldn't have these feelings. I shouldn't be so afraid of her like this. I should fear her in every other way, but I don't. I'm afraid because I love her. Because I want so much more. I found myself bursting into the girl's bathroom and heading to the end of the room. I hid behind the row of stalls, falling down with my back against the wall. I didn't realize how badly I wanted her to say those things to me until she did. To mean everything. It was just a childish fantasy. Baby Cat Valentine with her unrealistic crush. Everything hurt because of the tears. The crying. I fought to breathe and curled into myself. This was a nightmare. How could she ever love me? I was everything she hated. She's Jade West. The most beautiful and talented girl in school. I'm just Cat. Little Cat everybody has to baby and take care of. I could never have her...
