I'm pathetic. I'm probably the worst troll on this stupid meteor… no. I'm the worst person, troll, human, ridiculous-dream-ghost, whatever. I'm the most pathetic one and I know it.
I thought that when Dave and Rose came, at least at first, that things would be fantastic. I'd finally get to meet my Coolkid, hang out with him, be friends, maybe more… and we were, for a while. Much more. I told Dave everything, spent all my waking time with him.
It was fantastic.
But I look back now, and realize I was isolating another one of my best friends. Karkat… that idiot, the confusing, stupid, indecisive idiot… I was pushing him away without meaning to.
He'll always be there for me if I need someone, I know that… but I feel like I've failed him.
And then there's Gamzee.
I hate him. I hate what he does to me, what he makes me feel, what he forces me to do in secret. It's shameful, ugly… but when I protest, it only brings me pain. Is this what a proper kismesistude is supposed to be like? I didn't think so, but I don't know what else to do. I have to fill that quadrant… somehow… and if Gamzee is willing to make the effort to do so, well…. I'll have to put up with the hate, with the pain. It's more a take than a give, though; I made the mistake of trying to return the abuse, just a few days ago.
I've had to hide that scar from Dave every time I see him. If he sees it… If Karkat sees it…
Dave's already broken up with me. Says he hates me having 'a clown on the side'. Doesn't he see that this is the way I am? I can't change my nature. I'm not a flower, I'm a thornbush… it's not in the fibers of my being to stay with one person. If I could change it, force myself to be more human, like he wants… I would.
But I'm afraid of the consequences of that.
I'm afraid I'll lose my troll-ness. What makes me, me. I'm afraid I'll lose the culture and history that I've wanted to preserve since first finding out about the Legislacerators. I want things to go back to how they were…
…but I want to fix all my problems, make everyone happy, too.
I want to go back to that happy girl that laughed at everything and had not a care in the world.
Right now? I'm seriously considering Aranea's proposition. Gamzee says I'm pathetic, a blind loser, using my handicap to garner sympathy. It's not true! I love being me, proving that my blindness doesn't define me… but if I could get rid of that… be more like everyone else… maybe…
I wish I could fix how much of a screw-up I am.
I wish I could just magically solve all my problems…
But I can't just snap my fingers and fix this.
This was based on a prompt from Writeworld on tumblr, originally posted on my blog, theprosecutionisblind. Thanks for reading.
