It's summer and I now have a whole boatload of free time ahead of me (at least until July). I've decided to write a Pottersue parody because it's just too easy to poke fun at Sues. Basically, all of Hogwarts is doomed as three Sues invade the school and basically overthrow everything sane and rational out the window. All while trying to get their man (er... better make that men).
Harry Potter and the Ethereally Luscious Year of Crimson Tears
Chapter 1: A Sparkling Train Ride
It was an unusually bright day in early September as the Hogwarts Express slowly filled up with students. In fact, the birds that were fluttering about the station were chirping in harmony. This was indeed very odd, and many would have thought so had they been paying attention.
The young wizards and witches who were getting ready to go back to the famed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were most definitely not noticing the strangely cheerful attitude of the sparrows or the brightly shining sun which was uncommon in early autumn. They were all too busy catching up with friends, saying farewells to their families or else whispering excitedly about the events that had happened during the Quidditch World Cup.
One among the many students was an ordinary-looking boy named Harry Potter. Of course, anyone in the wizarding world could tell you right now that this boy was no ordinary boy, even by magical standards. He was the Boy Who Lived, defeater of the Dark Lord Voldemort at the tender age of one, future champion of the Triwizard Tournament… well, actually no. For in his fourth year at Hogwarts, all of the events that were destined to transpire, to move the plot along and help Harry fulfill his destiny… they just weren't going to happen. Harry would soon learn that the arrival of new individuals will have pretty much buggered up the plotline.
"Harry, let's go!" one of his best friends, Hermione Granger, called him from where she was standing by one of the doors of the scarlet train.
Harry's other best friend, Ron Weasley was currently trying to wriggle himself out of his mother's tight grip after his brothers Fred and George had managed to extricate themselves from Mrs. Weasley's grasp.
"Oh, do be careful, dear!" she said, near tears, "After what happened at the World Cup, I can't help but worry for all of you!"
"Mum, I'll be fine!" Ron said, finally tugging free from her arms (made all the stronger when it was a grip of Maternal Protection), "I'll be safe at Hogwarts where Dumbledore is!"
Damn, how wrong he was.
Ron joined his friends into the train and followed them as they searched for an empty compartment.
"I think I've lost the feeling in my arms," he said with a wince.
"Your mother's just worried, Ron! And I don't blame her after what happened at the World Cup. It took me a while to convince my parents to let me go back to school this year!" Hermione replied.
"There's an empty compartment!" Harry announced triumphantly. They slid their trunks above the seats and made themselves comfortable for the long journey ahead.
The train began to move, slowly at first, then picking up speed as they left the station and began rolling along the English countryside. After buying some snacks from the passing trolley (Ron spent three quarters of his galleons on chocolate frogs alone, ignoring Hermione's reproachful look), Harry was then cornered by two stern gazes.
"So, we're alone now," Ron said in a low voice, "Did Sirius write you back? About your scar hurting, I mean?"
All attempts at a serious conversation and possibilities of canon running its course smoothly were crumpled underneath a vast pile of fairy dust as their compartment door slid open.
In stepped a girl about their age, and here was when trouble started. She had fair skin, smooth and creamy as a peach (whether peaches are smooth and creamy are beside the point, this girl somehow made it happen), and her hair resembled spun gold cascading down to her lower back in curls. She was tall (but not overly tall, that would be unnatural) and thin, dressed in a bright pink tank top with a unicorn on it and a long, flowing white skirt that fell to her knees. Her dainty feet were wrapped in silver stilletos, which were made from real diamonds. Why the trio had felt the need to stare at her outfit in great detail was beyond them.
Moving his gaze from her feet, Harry swept upwards to stare at her small, but perfectly shaped lips covered in pink gloss.
Perfectly shaped? He thought to himself. What does that even mean?
But then he was struck by the brightness of her large, wide, impossibly blue eyes. They were like oceans, two limpid pools of sapphire, azure, cobalt, navy, blueberry, smurf and… ahem, they were basically very, very blue.
The girl practically floated into their compartment, her every movement more graceful than a swan that knew ballet. She smiled shyly at them and asked in a soft, feminine voice, "May I sit with you?"
Ron, who had gone slack-jawed at the sight of the girl, merely nodded while emitting a strange sort of gurgle. Hermione merely 'hmphed' at him and moved over to give the girl some room.
"Thank you," she said in her crystal bell-like voice and rested her delicate rump on the seat.
"I haven't seen you around Hogwarts before," Hermione said, "My name is Hermione Granger."
"I'm Harry," Harry chimed in, avoiding saying his last name out of habit when meeting new people. The girl turned her insanely blue eyes towards him, letting them flick upwards toward his scar and she gave a little gasp.
That small noise seemed to have snapped Ron out of his reverie, for he suddenly gaped at the girl with one eyebrow raised and pointed at her. "Did your eyes just… change color?"
Harry followed his friend's gaze and noticed that indeed, the girl's eyes had gone from impossibly blue to golden amber butterscotch.
"Oh!" the girl let out a little tinkling laugh that set Hermione's teeth on edge despite herself. "Yes, my eyes change color depending on my mood! It is a special gift I have always had. I was surprised just now at meeting the Harry Potter, so they turned golden!"
"I've never heard of that before," Hermione muttered to herself, but the girl wasn't paying attention to her and was smiling widely at Harry, showing off her perfectly even, blindingly white teeth.
"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron said quickly, "And we're all in Gryffindor. You're not a fourth year, are you? Don't think we've seen you in any classes with us."
The girl took a moment to inhale deeply, which the three friends found very odd, until she spoke.
"My name is Eliana Vanoria Serenity Rose Hikaru Kash'ania Gwenevere Elizabeth Diamond Starr Merianwë Cornacoria, Princess of the Stars."
Outside, the sun shone dazzlingly and little brown sparrows twittered by the window. It was as if the mere declaration of her name caused the weather to brighten and the animals to sing.
"Er…" was all Harry could say while Ron was busy trying to memorize all of her names by counting on his fingers and muttering to himself.
"That's… that's quite a mouthful," Hermione said with a nervous laugh.
"You can just call me Eliana," the girl said, "I prefer not to use my full name. It gets me quite a bit of publicity." She blushed, showing that she was modest, because modesty was an endearing trait, and she was nothing if not endearing.
"Wait a moment!" Ron exclaimed after he was done ticking 'Cornacoria' off his finger, "Did you just say you were a princess?"
Eliana nodded, making her curlier-than-curly-fries curls bounce around her flawless face. "Yes, I am the Princess of the Stars. My father rules over the celestial heavens, and the stars in the night sky bestow powers upon me. Powers of healing, and powers of defeating evil!"
"I'm not sure I follow," Hermione said, trying to keep a polite smile. This girl was crazier than Luna Lovegood.
"Are you part Veela, by any chance?" Harry asked. Ron was back to gazing into her eyes, which had gone back to their original bluer-than-blue.
"Yes! How did you guess?" Eliana said happily, "My grandmother is part Veela and part mermaid. I can willingly change my legs into a tail when I'm underwater."
Hermione was still pondering how that could be possible (it didn't make sense, even in magical surroundings) when Eliana continued wowing them with her lineage: "I am also half-Elven."
Ron choked on the chocolate frog he was eating. "What, like… like a house elf?" he said between coughs. "Blimey, you look good for a house elf!"
Eliana laughed her high, tinkling laugh, and Hermione could have sworn it was an octave higher than before.
"No, silly! The tall, beautiful sort of elves! See?" She swung back her curls to reveal her daintily pointed ear. "My grandmother is Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien."
"Where is that?" Harry asked.
"In Middle-Earth. My mother is her youngest daughter, and she was sent here to Earth after Sauron tried to make her his bride." Eliana looked very grave as she spoke. "She met my father, the King of the Stars, and they fell in love."
"Wait a moment, isn't Galadriel a character in that famous fantasy book?" Hermione interrupted. Poor Hermione was of yet unaware that a crossover had already happened in the story.
Eliana's eyes flashed red as she turned towards her. "She is very much real," she said, her voice taking on a hard edge, "I am a renowned princess in Lothlórien!"
"I thought you were the Princess of the Stars."
"I am the princess of several kingdoms," Eliana said, nodding her head vigorously.
"So what house are you in?" Harry asked in a vain attempt to change the subject to something more normal.
Eliana gave a mournful little sigh. Her fingers began to play with the hem of her skirt as she looked down. "I'm not in any house. I transferred to Hogwarts this year from Sparklefarts Academy of Magic and Fairy Dust."
"There have been no records of transfer students in Hogwarts: A History," Hermione said with a frown.
"Well, that doesn't mean it can't happen," Ron replied, earning him a glare from his friend. "What?"
"I suppose Dumbledore is making an exception for me because I'm his granddaughter," Eliana said.
At that point, Hermione was beginning to develop a headache, while Harry and Ron stared at her disbelievingly. Surely this girl was taking the piss out of them by now, because everybody knew that Dumbledore was as gay as a fruitcake with a side of vanilla ice cream.
"How does… How can… Whaaaa?" was all Ron could say at that point.
Eliana smiled brightly. "Dumbledore is my father's father. He fell in love with my grandmother who was the Queen of the Stars until my father succeeded her. Alas, they were torn apart by the forces of Voldemort and could not be together!" A single, crystalline tear fell down her cheek and fell upon her delicate hand. "This is why I have retained my grandmother's last name."
Her sadness caused the sky outside to turn dull and grey, and the sparrows to fall to the ground.
Harry made a mental note to ask Dumbledore about this girl when they arrived at Hogwarts. He could see Hermione open her mouth, possibly wanting to question Eliana, but he quickly interceded by asking the newcomer to tell them more about herself. He had a feeling Hermione was going to erupt if she heard more magical nonsense come out of her mouth.
The rest of the journey passed relatively well, despite Hermione's increasing irritation. Harry and Ron asked Eliana about every aspect of her life. She told them of her past school, which had a fairy for a headmistress who sprinkled lucky dust on students who were good. She explained that she had magical powers that could heal even basilisk poison (Hermione had opened her mouth at that, but Ron had shushed her with a frantic wave of his hand), she could fly (she was Princess of the Stars, after all) and she could communicate with all animals both magical and non-magical, have the weather respond to her mood (it was sunny outside again and by now many Muggle meteorologists were baffled), conjure up a Patronus which took on the form of a unicorn, and she was an animagus who could transform into a unicorn herself. She could also turn into a mermaid as she mentioned earlier (but reminded the three in case they had forgotten).
"Wow," Harry said at the end of her explanation. She had talked for so long that the sky outside had already grown dark. They decided to change into their student robes, knowing that they would arrive at Hogsmeade very soon.
"So, I guess you're going to cross the lake with the first years, then," Ron told Eliana, "Since you have to be sorted and all."
"I suppose," she replied, "Grandfather didn't tell me how I was to be sorted."
The train ground to a halt, letting all aboard know that they had arrived. Harry, Ron and Hermione picked up their trunks and left the compartment. Eliana's trunk was being carried by her pet cat Rashiel, a large and fluffy white feline with wings on his back.
"He can turn into a Siberian tiger," she told Hermione, who stared at her with a grim expression very similar to Professor McGonagall's.
"Well, see you at the feast then," Harry said to Eliana. She gave another dazzling smile, waved her dainty little hand, and followed the first years who were being guided by Hagrid towards the lake.
"Absolute nonsense," Hermione was saying to them as they found a carriage to load their trunks onto, "That girl is ridiculous. Half of her claims don't make any sense whatsoever!"
"She didn't seem to be lying," Harry offered.
"And she has such nice hair," Ron said dreamily out of nowhere.
Hermione rolled her eyes at the two, muttered something like, "Boys!" and sat herself in the carriage.
"Can I sit with you?" a small voice asked. They turned to see Neville Longbottom, clutching his toad Trevor close to him.
"Sure, Neville! Climb aboard!" Ron said with a grin.
The carriage began to move as the four inside got comfortably settled. The trees passed by the windows at a slow pace, letting them know they were not getting to the castle immediately.
"You seem tense, Neville," Hermione said, regarding him kindly. He was indeed biting his lip nervously and at one point squeezed Trevor so tightly that his pet croaked in indignation.
"I had to share the compartment with a scary girl on the train," he said quietly, "Ginny and Colin were with me, and they also found her odd. She was dressed all in black, and her makeup was dark, and I swear I saw a bat fly out of her robe." He shuddered.
"We had a strange girl in our compartment too," Harry said, "She told us she was Dumbledore's granddaughter among other things."
Neville's eyes widened. "Dumbledore's… But isn't he–"
"Yes, well, she was obviously trying to get attention," Hermione interrupted.
"Hermione, don't tell me you're jealous," Ron said exasperatedly.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Nonsense," she muttered again.
The carriage passed through the winged boar gates and as they ascended the hill, Harry could finally see the highest towers of the castle. He felt relief wash over him as he found himself once again at the place he called home. It was good to be back.
And that was chapter 1. It's kind of a plot-centric story, despite the fact that it's making fun of Sues. It's a Sue parody with a plot! Eliana of Sparklypoo has been introduced, but more are yet to come. I actually spend a few minutes thinking up all of her names, adding in an Elven-sounding one, the obligatory Serena/Serenity variety as well as a Japanese name for good measure. Seemed fitting. XD
Hermione is already sensing trouble.
