"Quod Me Et Nutriet, Me Destrut"

Disclaimer: Realistically, if I owned anything that had to do with Dark Angel, would I write fan fic? Yeah no. I'm just a college student with a creative mind. All names, titles, and characters pertaining to Dark Angel belong to Dark Angel. I own the storyline and character behaviors... if one can truly own action.

Summery: Ben wasn't born crazy... love, possession, jealousy drove him there.

Rating: R

Note: Title comes from a tattoo Angelina Jolie has. Quod Me Et Nutriet, Me Destrut is Latin for What Nurtures Me is my Own Destruction. Pretty fitting.





~Chapter 1 ~



"Most kids had the tooth fairy, we had her." 2020, Max

It's been five years since I've seen it last and I still think of it. If I was there right now, in this very instant, I would be listening to the hushed whispers of Max and Jondy as the rest of us try to sleep. We would be in the barracks, together. But I'm not there. I'm in New York. Alone. The chilly early December wind whips around me as I stand on top of the Empire State building. It used to be a tourist attraction. But then again, the world was different back then. It was as if she punished the country because we ran away.

There's a noise behind me and I tense.

"Sorry, I didn't know anyone was up here." A soft female's voice said from behind me.

I know the voice so I turn, "Jondy?"

The girl was a slightly taller than average thirteen year old, with bright blue eyes, and dirty blonde hair that came below her shoulders. Her clothes were well worn and she looked as if she hadn't eaten in a while. But her smile was bright and genuine when she saw me, "Ben."

She ran over and threw her arms around me. I put my arms around her also and we hold each other for a long time. I soon feel a wetness on my shoulder and her slight frame is slightly shaking. "Are you ok?" I asked.

"I'm so happy I found one of you." She said with small sobs.

"Me too Jon."

After a while we decide to go to get some food, I have some change on me so I offer to pay. When we walked into the diner the waitress saw us, two ragged looking teens, and she sat us down and gave us a free meal: two hamburgers, a large plate of fries, two cokes, and to top it off each of us got a slice of pie.

Jondy ate greedily, somewhere in the middle of a mouthful she told me she hadn't eaten in three weeks. If she had been normal it would make her sick to eat as much or as fast as she did but she's not normal. Neither of us are.

We finished eating and she lead me to her rat infested apartment, "It's not much but it's dry."

"I don't have a place." I confessed.

"Stay with me." She offered.

I did. We stayed up late in the night and I told her stories until I feel asleep. Christmas came and neither of us had any money but she stole a necklace for me. A gold pendant with the Blue Lady on it. "So you don't loose faith." She said as she hugged me.

No gift could have been better than that, I was loosing faith. I was a good soldier and so was Jondy but I couldn't tell if she was watching us anymore.

I stole Jondy a jacket, not as great as the necklace because it was big on her. But she would grow into it. She loved it .

Shortly after New Year's another X5 ended up in New York. Zack. He found Jondy and ordered her out of the city. She told me later that she protested and fought but she slipped that the two of them were together. Zack got mad and he made her show where I was.

I would have been excited to see him, if he hadn't planned to send me away from her. But since he hadn't set up a place for me to go yet, he decided to give us a couple more weeks. He would call in 10 days and tell me where to go. He gave us both cell phones and left.

There was a gloom over our house now. I prayed to her but the Blue Lady didn't answer my prayers.

On the fifth day, as we waited for Zack, it was snowing outside and our weak little heater wasn't working. Jondy was sitting in a tank-top and shorts, sweating by the window. "Please can I open it? I'm really hot."

"It's freezing outside."

"But I'm hot." She whined.

I got up from the cot that was our bed and moved to her. I touched her shoulder to console her and her skin felt like it was on fire. But I wasn't concerned with that. I started to realize how beautiful she was. How perfect she was. How much I wanted her. I stopped and took a step back.

"Jondy what's wrong?" I asked but I couldn't take my eyes from her.

She looked at me intensely, desire in her eyes. "He told me that I might go into heat someday... maybe that's what it is." She said and she moved closer to me.

She leaned into me and then suddenly we were attacking each other's clothes and stripping each other naked in the freezing apartment. We managed to end up back on the cot. Her hot body laid below mine, "I've never done this." I confessed to her.

"Neither have I." She said and she kissed me. "Don't worry Ben, it's our nature to do this."

Somehow, I figured out what went where in the midst of the passion. It didn't last very long, both of us were young and inexperienced. It was really a blur to me. I know that I had bitten the skin between her neck and shoulder, I could see the bite mark. She had done the same to me, I could feel it.

After it we couldn't look at each other for a little bit, both ashamed a little of what we had done. Why would the Blue Lady let me do that to her? To my little sister? But she let it happen three more times before Jondy stopped with her heat. After the second time she didn't move away from me. She laid by me while I slept.

When she was done completely with the heat, we resumed our nervous impatience as we waited for Zack to separate us. But it was slightly awkward, hugging or touching would sometimes make her pull away. I wanted nothing more to protect her but there was a small fear in her.

Zack called on the tenth day and told me where I was to move to. He was sending Jondy to Chicago and me to Santa Fe. He was trying to separate us. But he wasn't smart enough, the Lady was on my side. Jondy and I exchanged contact information. We may be on opposite sides of the country but we could still write or every once in a while call each other.

"If I go into heat again... can I come to you?" She asked as she was about to board the bus to Chicago.

"Of course." I insisted, trying not to sound eager but I was. Since we slept together I couldn't see her as anything less than beautiful.

Some time later, I sat in a classroom in Santa Fe. It had been several months since I had seen Jondy. She had gone into heat once since New York. I had come up to her and I hurried back to Santa Fe so Zack wouldn't find out.

Her and I talked on the phone at least once a week. She didn't like Chicago. Her foster parents were really religious and they made her go to church. I didn't know what church was but from the way she described it, it was bad.

I hated school. No, school I didn't mind. Cliff, I minded. He was the bully. He had a short neck and weighed more than any two of his friends combined. He looked tough, dumb but tough. He was worthless. No discipline. No honor. No intelligence.

The bell rang for dismissal and I stood up. I went to my locker and packed up my books to go home. School was over and Jondy was to call tonight. I wanted to be home so I could get the call.

I didn't notice him move up next to my locker until he slammed my locker shut. "If it isn't the Altar Boy..." He taunted in a low voice.

I didn't honor that remark with an answer. I opened my locker again. This time Cliff pulled the door all the way open. He ripped out one of the pictures, one that Jondy had given me. I finally spoke, "Give that back."

Cliff laughed, he towered over me by at least four inches but I was better than him. I'm a soldier. "Tell me Altar Boy, are you a good Catholic?"

"I'm not Catholic." Ben replied, snatching out and grabbing the picture back. In truth, I didn't know what a Catholic was then. Hopefully it wasn't such a bad thing.

"You're not Catholic but you've got pictures of her?" He asked, stating the obvious.

"I have faith in her." I replied as I delicately returned the picture to the exact place it had been taken from.

"You have faith in her?" Cliff asked laughing. "You're such a Fag."

"Fag?" I asked to which Cliff laughed even harder.

"A Fag, Queer, gay, homosexual. Where the hell have you been all your life?" Cliff said.

"Someplace too good for you." I retorted.

"Where your family gave you a tattoo and then dumped you?"

"I ran away." I replied, getting angry. "My family loves me."

"Did she tell you to?" Cliff joked.

I couldn't take his disrespect anymore so I punched him. Cliff stumbled backwards, stunned and hit his head on a water fountain. He would never get up.

I ran away then. I ran straight to Chicago. But when I got there, Jondy's foster parents told me that they had lost custody of her. I called her cell phone and through tears she told me that Zack had figured out what we were doing and he was sending her to Miami. I was to go to Utah. She was scared because she should be going into heat soon. With those words said, I left Chicago and I was down in Miami in two days.

Perfectly on time. She was holding out waiting for me. She had spent the last couple hours in the shower waiting. This time we were less awkward before, during, and after. We had several new bite marks after and I was so happy to be with her. But again, my happiness would be ripped away by Zack.

He came to check on Jondy, just missing her heat. He found me and literally dragged me to Utah. He changed the numbers on both of our phones, cutting us off from the other. I had no where else to turn but to the Lady. She would make things right somehow.