Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If you read further, then you'll surely know why.
Summary: A little something that I wrote because I wanted to find out how lame my sense of humor really is. It's a light hearted attempt at finding out what would have happened if Harry had listened to Dobby in his second year. If you are looking for a serious fanfic, then this is not for you!
Dobby's Warning
"Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Harry decided to humor the house elf, "And why shouldn't I do so?"
"There be dark things happening at Hogwarts this year…"
"Damn it. More dark stuff is going to happen?"
Dobby nodded.
Harry sighed, "Shit. I was really looking forward to the year, you know?"
Dobby nodded again.
Harry got out of his bed and crept towards the Dursley's bedroom. Once inside, he picked up the bedside phone and dialed the number.
Someone picked up on the other side and said, "Hello"
"Can I speak to Hermione please?"
"This is Hermione speaking."
"Hey Hermione, this is Harry."
"Oh Hi Harry. It's been so long since I heard from you."
"Hermione, I don't have much time. There is this weird elf creature at my house and he says that more dark stuff will happen at Hogwarts next year."
"Dark stuff again?"
"Yeah, that's what the creature said."
"So what do you want to do?"
"I think we shouldn't go back."
"Ok, I will tell my parents."
"I don't want to stay at my relative's house anymore. They make me do chores and treat me like shit."
"Ok, come to my place then."
"Ok. How should I come?"
"You're not a baby anymore, Harry. Find a way. You already have my address."
"Ok, I will find a way."
"Great. I will see you soon. Bye."
Harry put down the phone and crept back to his room. Dobby was still patiently waiting for him.
"Ok Dobby, I won't be going back."
"Harry Potter has agreed to Dobby's wishes. Harry Potter is the greatest wizard ever."
Harry then proceeded to pack all his possessions and told Hedwig to fly to Hermione's house.
Harry then asked Dobby, "So what will you do now, Dobby?"
"Dobby will go back to Master's house and put his head in oven."
"Isn't there any way for you to be free from your Master?"
"Yes, only if Master gives Dobby clothes."
"What kind of clothes?"
"Any kind of clothes."
"Ok, I was thinking of catching a train to go to Hermione's house but your need is greater. We will first catch a train to your Master's house, deal with him and then go to Hermione's."
"What being a train?"
"A train is something that makes you move from one place to another."
"Dobby can take Harry Potter to Master's house without using train."
"Ok, you do that."
Harry suddenly found himself in Malfoy Manor. In front of him, Lucius and Narcissa were engaging in amorous activities.
"Yuck, gross." He said. However, his eyes were focused completely on Narcissa's form.
Lucius looked up, "What the hell are you doing here, Potter?"
Harry proceeded to take a smelly sock out of his pocket and threw it on the bed, "Let's play catch!"
The sock landed on Narcissa's right breast. She pulled away due to the stink of the sock. Lucius picked it up and then threw it away in disgust, "What's the meaning of this, Potter?"
"Dobby, catch!" shouted Harry.
Dobby was one step ahead of him. He caught the sock, then caught hold of Harry and disappeared.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Harry found himself standing in his best friend's bedroom, who just happened to be changing her clothes.
He exclaimed, "Wow, two pairs of breasts in one day! Am I a lucky guy or what?"
Hermione looked up and screamed, "Harry!"
She then proceeded to hug him, without paying any heed to her current state of undress.
"Hell yeah, I am the luckiest guy in the world!"
Hermione soon realized that she wasn't fully dressed and jumped back. He was still staring. She admonished him, "Harry, it's rude to stare."
"No, it isn't!"
"Yes, it is!"
"No, it isn't!"
"Ok, why isn't it rude?"
"I was always going to see your breasts sooner or later, Hermione!"
"How do you know that?"
"Because I am going to marry you and then make cute babies with you."
"Really, Harry?"
"That is for sure, Hermione!"
"Oh Harry, that's so sweet!" she jumped up again to hug him.
To Harry's joy, she still hadn't put on her clothes.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Harry moved in at Hermione's parents' house and they both decided on home schooling. Their friend Ron sent them a letter to convince them to return to school, but they ignored it. When he sent another letter, they sent Dobby to take care of him.
Dobby happily told both Hermione and Harry about how he had thoroughly ironed Ronald Weasley's hands. It would be a long time before he wrote a letter again.
Albus Dumbledore came over himself to the Grangers house in order to convince the duo. They both politely refused. However, Albus wasn't ready to take no for an answer and tried to force them to come with him.
In retaliation, Dobby ended up punching Albus in the crotch. The elf's hands were stronger than they appeared and Dumbledore's genitals were unable to bear the blow. He just managed to somehow apparate back to Hogwarts gates, before he moved on to the next great adventure.
Harry and Hermione happily continued their home schooling while terror reigned supreme at Hogwarts.
By the end of the school year, Lord Voldemort had been able to use Ginny Weasley's life force and resurrect himself.
However, his resurrection had a minor flaw and thus he ended up having a girl's voice.
For the next two years, he tried all that he could to resolve this issue, but the girly voice remained.
His followers started laughing at him behind his back, and this led to major self confidence issues for the self styled Dark Lord.
He was unable to cope up with these issues and ended up committing suicide.
Harry married Hermione on his 17th birthday with Dobby as his best man.
All was well.
(A/N: Just a little something that I came up with to pass time.
I have ideas for a couple of OMAKE's to support this. If you want me to write them, then let me know!)
