Surfing the Web: A Novel

Chapter 1

"Everybody ready for the field trip?" Asked Bill Gates. It was a clear blue autumn day. A slight chill nips the air.

"Yes…!" replied a half enthused class of little apps.

Safari suddenly puttered around the corner, spouting out dark black fumes from its rusted muffler. It pulled up to the dock where the Bill and the Apps were standing, and with a loud and labored crank, the driver threw Safari in park. The faded red stop sign slapped out of its position to alert traffic. The door to the Safari finally opened, with a sweeping smack.

"We're supposed to go on our field trip in this?" Google Chrome snorted.

"Sorry daddy's not here to pick you up in his chrome Lamborghini, you chrome dome." Retorted Firefox.

The two never got along, always competing to see who the better of the two was. They eyed each other viciously. Bill noticed almost immediately, and stepped in between the two little applets.

"Come now guys," Bill exclaimed. "Now's not the time for a speed test. Come on, everybody in!"

The little apps all moved into the rickety door. Chrome, Firefox, Word, PowerPoint, Excel, Steam, the Flash Adobo, Norton, Recycle Bin, Shadow the Hedgehog, and Naruto Uchiha. They began to fill the tightly cramped cache.

The door to Safari closed shut.

"All right, is that everyone?" Bill asked. He did a quick head count. He was missing one, but who?

Suddenly, a light tap came from Safari's door.

It was Internet Explorer.

"Oh how could I forget…" Bill sighed. The door creaked open.

"BING BING BING!" Internet explorer exclaimed as he stumbled through the doorway while simultaneously blasting the song "Too Close" by Alex Clare at maximum volume, much to the dismay of the rest of the apps. They covered their nonexistent ears to try and suppress the awful noise. The Flash Adobo immediately quit unexpectedly.

"You have to stop being so slow, IE." Bill lightly scolded the app. He could never be too harsh on it, he did create it after all. Part of it was his refusal to admit that he had failed, while the other was his feared off being seen as weak if he were to just simply give up on IE.

"Alright, that's everybody. Let's get this show on the road, Steve." Bill sat down at the front of the cache. With a loud crank the driver, Steve Wozniak, shift Safari in gear and began to surf the web.

"IE, why don't you come sit next to me?" He hated that song, but at least this way Bill could protect his beloved little app from the bullies in the back.

"BING BING BING!" Internet Explorer was restless in his seat. "AND IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST TOO CLOSE TO LOVE YOU!" The lyrics screamed in Bill's ear. God he hated that song. He knew of only one way to get IE to settle down.

He unbuttoned his shirt and revealed his soft, plump nipple to IE. IE saw it and roared with pleasure. "I CAN'T HIDE NO MORE, I CAN'T HIDE NO MORE GOTTA STAY TRUE TO MYSELF!" The song pierced the air.

Internet Explorer leap up and started to suckle upon the teet of Bill Gates. The sound began to lower in volume.

Finally some peace and quiet. IE's fits of Too Close by Alex Clare can become extremely intense. At their worst they can drive a person to the brink of insanity.

Suddenly, Bill noticed that something was off.

"Huh?" Bill thought.

He gasped.

Steve Wozniak had died shoving ethernet cables into his ears in an attempt to grant himself some solace from the agonizing scream that was IE's favorite song. Safari hit a bump, and Steve Wozniak's lifelessly crashed on the steering wheel. The horn blared as Safari swerved around the road, out of control. Safari was heading straight for a firewall.

It all happened too fast. Everyone generated error reports at the same time. Before Bill can even react, Safari had crashed.