Diary Entry 1
11:47 PM
I watched Lisa today. She was unconscious again. Even then, she's still beautiful. I keep seeing her smiling in my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see her grinning the way she was the first time I met her. She hasn't smiled in a long time. Not for real. She pretends to, for me, but I can see the pain behind it. I just wish it was me. She shouldn't have to be hurt. She deserves better. I would give anything to see her smile for real. Like we used to.
I just wish I could leave this place. I hate Torchwood. At least in London they knew what they were doing. Here, there are no rules. Well, there are, they just aren't enforced. That Jack Harkness has no backbone. He's too nice. And dreadfully annoying. Does he think I don't notice that every single time I walk away, he's staring at my ass. That man only thinks about sex. But I have smile and take it. If I didn't flirt back, he would think something was wrong with me, then the questions would start. If he found out that I only came to Torchwood 3 to look after Lisa better, he would fire me. And kill Lisa. Probably kill me, too. But Lisa…
The others are a bit more tolerable. Suzie talks to me, if there's no one else to talk to. Or she did. Before she blew her brains out. Tosh is nice. Probably the only one who would even notice if I wasn't there. Such a shame. She deserves much better than Owen. Almost anyone deserves better than Owen. Except for Jack. God, those two were practically made for each other. Sex addicts, both of them. And the new girl. Gwen. I don't like her. She thinks she's so nice, so caring. She's stupid. I give her a week. Yet another person to just ignore the coffee boy. I hate being the coffee boy. When I told Jack I'd do anything for this job, I meant paperwork, cleaning, casual sex. Not coffee. I still do all the other stuff. Except for the sex. But the coffee is driving me insane. "Ianto, bring me coffee!" is the only thing I hear all day. Most of the time, they just hold out the empty mug, not even bothering to address me. I swear, if I ever took a day off, they would die of caffeine deprivation. The coffee maker is beautiful, though. My favorite piece of alien tech. Everyone else has their alien toys (I don't actually know what Jack's is, but I have several good guesses). The coffee maker is my baby. I hate it sometimes, but it's one of two things I actually care about. Well, I might be kinda sad if Tosh died, but that's it.
I just wish I didn't have to be here. I mean, considering I actually live here, I see the Hub way too much. But somehow no one's noticed that I don't go home at the end of the day, I just go down to the holding cells. No one's noticed the control panel near the door that doesn't do anything. Well, I never said they were smart. But I would have figured that Jack would notice. I mean, he lives here, too. Oh well. I guess I really am invisible to them. It's kind of a good thing, considering it would make it substantially harder to conceal a partially converted cyber woman in the basement if they actually cared and talked to me. It's nice that I can get away with a smile and a cup of coffee. I just wish I could tell someone, so that I wouldn't feel so alone. Lisa's hardly ever conscious, so it's not like I could talk to her. Maybe if I slept with Jack. Maybe then someone might notice me. If only for a moment. God. I'm desperate. Actually contemplating screwing around with Jack for attention. Why am I so alone?
