Beautiful To Me
Loss of time was the only thing she needed to know. Darkness surrounding her was the only thing she needed to see. It enveloped her leaving her crying silently on her bed. Silence inside was the only thing she needed to hear. Deafening it had become, though she was so attuned to it, she rarely heard it. The brush of cold air against her skin was the only thing she needed to feel. Cocaine was the only pain she would ever need or want. It was only supposed to be one time. One time and nothing more after that. One time, however, turned into a downward spiral of lies and addiction.
Peyton Sawyer made her way alone up to the school her arms clasped tightly around her books and her head dipped low, her blonde curls whipped about her face. Her footsteps were slow and deliberate and her muscles ached even at the slow pace. She dared not to look at anybody for fear they would see right through her. Afraid that they would see the secret she feared most to carry. The world around her seemed to move faster and she was caught in slow motion.
Rumors of her sexuality had spread throughout the entire school only sinking her down further. It was almost too far for her to shake it off now when things were just too far deep. Her lover Jake had come and gone faster than she could hold on. He was the one rock in her life. Now he was gone, torn away from her. Loneliness crept upon her leaving her continuously running from the problem she feared most. Even her best friend seemed too wrapped up in her new boyfriend to spare anytime for Peyton. The days were longer and the nights were shorter. She could no longer feel the time passing around her.
Walking, as harmless as is seemed threw Peyton's mind into a race. Her thoughts moved so quickly she barely had time to make sense of them. The painful memories came haunting back, she was cold, the drugs were beginning to wear off and irritability was setting in. She wanted nobody to look at her, nobody to even notice her existence. That seemed to work well. People rarely ever acknowledged her anyway now and she preferred it. She did not want people to see her in her true light. She was a mess that could barely keep herself together during the day. The weakness she felt she did not want the others to see it also.
Yet one person still watched. One person still saw the hurt she was going through. So many times he had wanted to say something, but fell just short. He watched her struggle after Jake had left and the rumors flew around school of her sexuality. So badly had he wanted to hold her tightly in his arms and reassure that everything would be alright. Times had changed between them. Their friendship slowly slipped away from him and she went on to do other things, while he did the same. Suddenly silence was a common conversation between them. But still he watched and wished and hoped.
She could feel the eyes of another human on her as she walked. Lifting her head she dared to see the person staring at her. Never would she forget the look Lucas Scott gave her that day. She would always remember his brooding face and blue eyes narrowed staring right through her, yet still held a semblance of an innocent child. Forever, she would remember wanting to reach out to him and scream to the world that she had a problem. Time slowed as their eyes met and finally she could feel the seconds ticking by.
In that moment she remembered everything they had shared together. The moments of intimacy and the confessions between them. She would never forget those times, they defined who they were now. Tears trickled from the corners of her eyes as she reminisced. Her head fell again, using her hair as a shield between her and Lucas. He was something of her past; she could never let him be something of her future.
"Peyton! Wait!" Lucas called out jogging a few steps to catch up with her. But she had already gone inside, now lost among the sea of students. His head dipped slightly and he adjusted the strap of his backpack over his shoulder. He had seen it in her eyes then. He saw the blank empty stare, a hurt that she nursed for the love of a boy that had gone away, and the struggle with the pain she currently felt. Her emotions coursed through him, he felt everything; her pain and her anguish. There was a want then to chase after her and be the one to shield her from everything that was hurting her. Lucas, however, had lost this right the moment he came back to Tree Hill.
Upon escaping the scrutinizing gaze of Lucas Scott, Peyton found herself on the bathroom floor in the ladies room. The tears leaked from his eyes and silent sobs escaped her throat. She had known for a long time the mess she was in, but it was much easier running and denying that she had any sort of problem. Now she was fully aware how deep she really was. The dependency and addiction, it was so easy to lie to yourself and to others. However, Peyton found it hard to continue to lie to herself when one person had seen right through her. He had seen everything. He knew.
She took the small vile from her bag, it was no secret as to what is contained. Her eyes stared hard at it, contemplating in her mind whether or not it was worth it. Of course she new that answer right away. Drugs were never worth it. They were never worth the time money and energy that were wasted. They did, however, nurse the hurt in her heart and keep her just barely afloat when she felt like she was sinking. Still, they were never worth it.
With a small splash, she tossed the vile into the toilet and flushed and she watched it swirl out of view. She crawled back to the wall propping herself against it letting her eyelids close. In her heart she knew it was the right thing, but her mind told her otherwise. Her mind told her she needed the very thing she had just flushed away. She needed it, and god Peyton, she believed it. Still she fought the temptation; she may have very well put up a valiant effort. Her efforts were lost and eventually she gave in.
She ravaged through her bag, dumping the contents out on to the bathroom floor. Pens and pencils scattered everywhere as well as many of her notebooks. She fumbled clumsily through the contents finding nothing. Tears leaked from her eyes and in the next instant she was clawing at the toilet begging for the vile to come back. She cried and sobbed with the loss of her self control. There was nothing more to numb the pain she felt she had flushed it away and now it was gone. In the next instant she was hunched over the toilet bowl emptying her stomach's contents into the bowl. She fell against the bathroom wall against, crying, screaming, and sobbing on agony. All she wanted was for the pain to go away. She pulled her knees to her chest, arms wrapping securely around her legs. She dipped her head and cried silently into her knees.
"I'm sorry." She whispered over and over. The words never gave her penance for peace of mind.
"I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry."
