Disclaimer so standard that it hurts: NOT MINE. Main idea from JKR, and you might recognize some things from pop culture, like youtube, the internet in general. Some words come directly from the HP books.

Enjoy!

-Co

Ch. 1 I'm a what?

BOOM!

Harry jumped at the noise, scrambling to his feet as his absurdly large cousin sat up stupidly. Or, well, more stupidly than usual, due to the fact that it was in the middle of the night and he'd been sleeping.

BOOM!

Seriously? Harry thought. You're going to knock on a door that is clearly the only support structure in this shack? Half the roof caved in on the other side of the structure, and the air warmed considerably. There was a pause, then-

Crash! The door fell in, and a giant man who was almost as wide as Dudley walked in.

"Harry," he said slowly, disregarding the owl tangled in his beard. "You are a wizard." Harry stared in stunned astonishment.

"I'm a what?" he asked disbelievingly.

"A wizard, Harry."

"I'm a What?"

"A wizard."

"But I'm just Harry," he explained indignantly. The owl looked at him with an exasperated expression, clearly telling him to just accept it. He couldn't, though.

"No, Harry, you are a wizard."

"But I'm just Harry!" Harry insisted.

"No, just Harry! You are a wizard!"

"Listen here Hagrid, you stupid fat oaf! I am not a-" The owl interrupted with a loud hoot. "-wizard!"

"What's with this language, Harry!? You are a-" HOOT! "-wizard! You're gonna go to Hogwarts, do spells and-" HOOT! "-and you're gonna be-" HOOT HOOT! "-pleased about it!"

"Hagrid-"

Petunia covered Dudley's ears as the language degenerated into long lines of unrepeatable vulgarities, until Uncle Vernon interrupted their conversation.

"He won't be going," he said gruffly. "I'll not pay for him to go to some school and learn some magic nonsense."

"Magic?" Harry asked, confused. "Why would I need to learn that?"

"Because YOU ARE A WIZARD!" Harry looked stunned and shocked in his disbelief.

"I'm a WHAT?!"


"My Mother's down the street looking at wands, and Father's gone to get my books. I think I'll bully him into buying a broomstick. I can't believe first years aren't allowed! You into Quidditch?"

"Er..."

"Anyway, I do hope I'm in Slytherin," the pale... boy? Girl? Harry wasn't sure. continued in a long drawl. "Purest of the Houses. I don't think they should allow the other sort in, do you?" Harry decided it didn't matter. He'd hate him/her anyway.

"Of course not," he responded, copying the same drawl. "All those rich, mama's boys crying to their fathers about things not going their way, always expecting everyone to bow to their ungrateful little-" HOOT! Hagrid had arrived outside, owl still stuck in his beard. "Really, I mean, as a muggle-raised myself, I do hope for Slytherin as well, especially if it's the best house to avoid little snot-nosed brats who live in manors with servants and-"

"Wait until my father hears about this!" the boy/girl shouted shrilly, stalking out of the store.

"We'll be best friends in Hogwarts!" Harry shouted after him cheerfully. "We'll show those pureblood bigots their place by muggles feet! Bye!"

The Slytherin-hopeful disappeared down the street, and Harry grinned to himself.

"By the way, Hagrid," he said, before going back into the shop. "You've got a bit of owl in your beard."

"Wha'? Oh! Yeah, I wa' wonderin' where she wen'." The giant man gently untangled the snowy white owl and presented her to Harry. "Happy Birthday!"

"HOOT!"


Harry shifted his long-numb feet, hoping beyond all hope that Ollivander would find a wand for him. A wand, any wand at all, would be worth it just to get out of the dreary, dusty shop. With a disinterested wave of a Holly and Phoenix feather wand, Harry destroyed half the shelves.

"Bravo!" the wandmaker said as bits of wood showered his white head. "Very good indeed! But how curious..." He packaged up the wand, muttering all the while about being curious.

"Here's seven galleons for the wand," Harry said, handing over the coins.

"Thank you," Ollivander responded. "But it is dreadfully curious, so Very Curious..." Harry gave him an odd look, then started backing toward the door.

"Curious!" the old man repeated, looking quite sinister as he followed Harry. "How very CURIOUS! DREADFULLY CURIOUS!" Harry hesitated, then rolled his eyes.

"What's curious?" he deadpanned.

"I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter." His voice had returned to it's soft, normal tone. "Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in your wand..."

Harry's eyes glazed over, and his mind wandered as Ollivander rambled on unblinkingly. The wizarding world was so odd; there were no obvious signs of transportation wherever he looked. No brooms (which apparently Did fly), no carpets, no... dragons? Maybe they didn't have dragons, though Harry thought it would be cool to ride one...

"Terrible, yes, but great." Harry stared, wide-eyed, hoping he wasn't supposed to respond to that. Thankfully, Ollivander let him and Hagrid out into the fresh air once more.


More to come! I'll try to keep updating, have a couple more ideas waiting.