THE MAN IN RED

By Fernin

A Christmas Special Fanfic/Parody

Note: Obviously I do not own any of the various Christmas Special characters appearing in this fanfic as it goes on, to include Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Hermey the Elf, Jangle Bells, The Heat Miser, the Snow Miser, or anybody else who might be showing up.

CHAPTER 1: THE BIG MAN


Where do you begin with a case like this? I've never really had a problem before. Narrating your way through your own life should be easy. I've done it often enough. It gives my mind something to do between nicotine highs and the short bouts of so-called sleep.

But where do you begin with something as big as this? Something that blows the whole, rotten core right out of this… This is getting me nowhere. What do you care, you're just a stupid police report that no one will ever read. God help me, I certainly hope so. So I'll begin with the call.

The call came in just as I was lighting up my fifth cigarette. I ignored the insistent jing-jing-jingling for a few moments and drew a long pull on the filter. The nicotine bite of the coffin nail smoothed over the rough edges of the world, if only for a moment. Sure beat the hell out of carrots, I can tell you that much. Yet another thing the South had gotten right. Then again, it's all south from here…

I signed, puffing smoke out my nostrils as I reached for the phone. "Detective Nowhz. What?"

I listened to the tinny voice at the other end and set my teeth. The little elfin voice seemed squeakier than normal; something had the dispatcher rattled. After a few seconds of babbling, he got to the point—and it was a big one. Goddamn, a homicide already? I looked out the window and grimaced. It had been clear, but that wasn't going to be true for much longer. The lab boys were going to have to be on their game with the mother of all storms coming for us.

The dispatcher was still going on about how horrible it all was. Time to take charge or I'd be here all night. I broke in with a quick, "I'll be right there."

If I wanted to get an eye full, now was the time. The phone clicked into its receiver as I started grabbing the tools of my trade. Coat… hat… notepad… pencil… camera… bottle… I stopped, hand on the half-full flask. It had been half full for nearly six months now. It was damn well going to stay that way. Gritting my teeth with the effort, I shoved it back into the drawer and picked up an extra packet of cigarettes instead. All right. Time to go.

The darkness outside seemed to suck the life right out of me. The white flakes coming down harder now and the wind was picking up, making the entire world seem like an old television set with bad reception. Of course on this TV, it was always a drama and you never got a re-run.

At least the crime scene wasn't far away this time. Most cases were pretty easy if you actually found the body—which was precious rare in this winter wonderland. With miles and miles of ice pack in every direction, it took a goddamn miracle. Most cases either were ones the perp made it easy to solve. The others never got beyond a missing persons report.

You spend a lot of time cooped up when the seasons don't move much beyond "winter" and "more winter." Add in a crushingly inflexible production schedule and guys like me start to have busy shifts for months at a time. How many of those little hammers clinking away down there have been used on something other than toys? There's a thought to keep you up at night.

Speaking of nights… I checked my watch for a moment before shoving my hand back into the warmth of my pocket. Another few minutes and I'd be there. And not too soon, either. It was cold. It was always cold, on nights like this. Then again, it wouldn't be dawn for another three months.

The new-fallen snow crunched under my hooves as I approached the police line. The beat-walkers in green may not have been good for much, but at least there were some things they did right—like controlling the scene. Red and green lights flashed from the police snowmobiles laid out in a wide ring. A long candy-striped line of police tape stretched off into the darkness. It could have gone on forever, for all I could see of it in the whipping wind and rapidly drifting snow.

One of the elves guarding the scene approached me, moving with difficulty through a deeper drift. His teeth chattered as he looked up at me. "D-d-d-detective Nowhz! I'm Officer Hermey. T-this way please!"

I flashed the badge on my coat's lapel, but it was hardly necessary. It wasn't like there were any other reindeer working in the North Pole precinct. I could feel the eyes on me already as young, wet-behind-the-ears security elves started to notice me. They were very specifically not looking my direction any time I glanced at them.

Whatever. I had bigger fish to fry here. I looked down at the young elf again. The tips of his ears were turning blue. He didn't belong here. He should have been, I don't know, a dentist or something. "So what have we got?"

The elf was rattled but he took comfort in routine. "W-well Rudolph we have a white male, undetermined age but looks old, estimated weight two hundred fifty pounds, and…"

We'd been walking toward the tape, and now we'd reached the edge. I'm sure the young elf was still talking, but I could no longer hear him. I'd caught sight of the victim. Incongruously a song started lilting through my mind. …With your nose so bright won't you guide my sleigh tonight…

Someone had finally done it. I stared down at the cold, stiff figure lying in an icy red pool of its own blood. I bit down hard on my cigarette. Everything before this—all the petty crime, even that thing with Abominable a few years back—was reindeer games compared to this.

I started thinking about the bottle back in my desk. Those three months until dawn suddenly seemed like an eternity. Someone had killed the Big Man—the man in red.