"Get a fucking grip!" Santana threw her hairbrush at the dresser mirror, then sat in front of it, head in her hands. She hated feeling like this, unable to tell anyone. Santana Lopez had a reputation to uphold. HBIC. Cheerios captain. The girl that every guy wanted. Yet she'd throw it all away for one thing, or one person rather. But she was also scared. Scared of losing her social status. The Cheerios captaincy. Everything. She was afraid of losing it all. No matter how hard she tried though, she couldn't suppress those feelings.
"You can't feel like this," Santana muttered into her hands, "You can't. You're not allowed to. You're Santana fucking Lopez. You don't do these kinds of feelings." She took a deep breath as she ran her hands through her hair, pushing it all out of her face. Santana sat there, staring back into the mirror. Feverishly trying to figure out herself, and her feelings.
No matter what she did, she couldn't deny it. No matter what she said, it was all real. All the excuses, they were a cover. She was afraid of revealing her true feelings to the world. Only one person knew. Maybe. Santana could be so hot and cold, she wasn't sure if they knew. But the lies, and the excuses. She hated doing that to the one person that meant the most to her. But it was the only way she knew how to cope with it all. By making it seem like it wasn't real. Santana brushed her hair out, and stood up. "Fucking coach, those drills are hell," she mumbled as she took her physically and emotionally drained body to the bathroom to run a bath.
Taking off that uniform felt good. And slipping into that hot, relaxing bath, was welcomed by Santana's tired and aching muscles. She let the heat relax her completely. Resting her head back, Santana tried to clear her mind. Her body had been aching enough without her mind ready to explode at any minute. As her body relaxed, Santana's mind just didn't stop thinking. She used to be able to switch it off, but now days that was virtually impossible. And there was the constant battle between her head and her heart. Both said different things.
Santana sighed to herself, "How can you love me when I'm such a bitch," she thought out loud. Her heart was saying go for it, it's what you want. What you both want. But then her head would say not to, and would start to worry about what everyone else would say, about how they would look at her differently. "Shut up," Santana said, somewhat defeated. She was too tired to even try. Her body was exhausted. But her mind was going a million miles an hour. Santana pulled herself out of the bath, "I need sleep, I can't deal with this shit right now," she muttered as she wrapped herself in a towel and drained the bath.
But she did want to deal with it. She just didn't know how. As she dried her hair with the hairdryer, Santana tried to forget about it for one moment. "Come on brain, shut the fuck up," she tiredly said as she turned off the hairdryer and set in on the dresser. Santana picked up a hair tie and pulled her hair from her face. She then went over to her wardrobe and pulled out a tank top and shorts to sleep in. "Can't wait to sleep. Fucking brain working overtime," Santana breathed out as she got changed, and under the covers.
But as she went to turn off her bedside light, Santana's eyes caught a glimpse of one of the photos on her beside table. Santana's mood changed a bit, and she felt more at ease upon sighting that photo. Sitting up, Santana picked up the frame, and stared at it, smiling. All the inner turmoil disappeared, as always, when she saw that photo. It was such a good day. That photo always brought out all the feelings and words that Santana was always too afraid to let the world see and hear.
"You are the most amazing person ever. How you put up with me, I'll never know. I love you so so much. I really do. I hope you know that. Even though I'm afraid to let anyone else see that. You make me smile, and you make me laugh. You make me the happiest girl in the world. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You complete me. Around you, I can be me. No act. No pretending. Just me. I hate that I get angry, and you have to put up with that. I'm such a mental fucking mess. But you don't care. You stick by me. you can see that it's not really me. I love you. I love you like nothing else in this world. Brittany, I love you."
Santana gently kissed the glass of the photo frame, before putting it back down on her bedside table, and turning off the light. Brittany was her best friend, and had been for a few years. But how exactly it had become more, Santana couldn't exactly remember. It just happened. And at first, it was all an innocent kind of experiment, two friends testing the waters as such. But then it became less innocent, and more serious. And the feelings developed. Santana began to feel different, and at first, she didn't know what was going on. And Santana didn't want to talk about it. But she could never resist Brittany. And when Brittany told Santana how she felt, Santana told Brittany how she also felt. But one thing that she couldn't do for Brittany, was tell the world that she was in love with her best friend.
Brittany was Brittany Pierce. A tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, beauty. Like Santana, she was a Cheerio. One of the most popular girls in school. Girls wanted to be her, and guys wanted to date her. Everyone knew not to mess with her, because they'd have to deal with Santana. Everyone knew the two were best friends. But no one knew of the deeper side to the friendship. That there was more going on behind the smiles and pinky linking. To look at the two girls, you'd think they were just really close; best friends to the end. But at the same time, people wondered how they were so close. On one hand, Santana was rather loud, and outspoken, and a bit of a bitch. Then there was Brittany, who was more mild mannered, nicer, a bit clueless, and believed that unicorns and leprechauns existed. They were such polar opposites, but they were tight. But they do say that opposites attract.
On the same night, Brittany got home after practice, but her mind was clear. She got up to her room, and put her bag by the door, then sat at her dresser. Brittany carefully got all the bobby pins from her hair, but even that was quite the effort. "Shit. Owww," Brittany moaned as she started brushing her hair. She looked towards Lord Tubbington, her overly large tabby cat, "You need to learn how to do my hair. Especially after practice. My whole body is aching!" When Brittany put her hairbrush down on the dresser, she caught a glimpse of a photo. The same photo that Santana kept by her bed. Brittany rested her chin in her hands, and stared at the photo.
"I wish you weren't so scared. I love you. And you love me. I want to be with you. We're always there for each other. You're the one that makes me happy. And I want to do the same, all the time. Day and night. I want to make you happy. I want to walk the halls with you, hand in hand. As your official girlfriend. I like being your secret sort of girlfriend. But I want to tell the world I love you. I love you Santana. And because I love you, I'll stand by you. And I'll wait for you to be ready."
As Brittany stood in the shower, washing away the days aches and sweat, her mind was still on Santana. As much as she tried to understand where Santana was at, she never really could grasp it. To Brittany, the world was black and white. There was no grey area; no purgatory. She loved Santana. Santana loved her. Brittany didn't understand how Santana could be scared. Brittany saw things in the simplest way possible. She knew she was in love, with her best friend. And that's all there was to it. "I wish I could understand you properly Santana. I also wish I could understand Algebra. But I really just want to understand you," Brittany sighed as she rinsed the last of the conditioner from her hair.
Brittany got out of the shower, and dried off, then curled up in bed, cuddling Lord Tubbington as he took up half of the bed. But all she wanted was to cuddle with Santana. To hold her in her arms. To listen to Santana fall asleep beside her. And not just on the occasions when Santana stayed at Brittany's, and vice versa. But she wanted to cuddle Santana on the bus, in Glee rehearsals when they had to endure Mr Schue blithering on about what Journey song they would be doing that week and the meaning behind it. Here, there, and everywhere, Brittany wanted to cuddle Santana. And that's what Brittany began to dream about as she fell asleep.
First day of freshman year. A nervous and shy Brittany walked in the door. Her eyes were wide. As all the people bustled by, Brittany fought her way to her locker. Football players walked by. 'They look kinda scary' Brittany thought. Nerds with glasses, and pants that were way too short, Brittany giggled. And Cheerios. Brittany wanted to be a Cheerio. She loved to dance, and she hoped it would help her get on the JV squad that year. Brittany finally found her locker, and opened it up, placing her bag on the bottom shelf. Brittany glanced to her left, and spied her locker neighbour for the next year.
Santana strode the halls with confidence. She was outgoing. Santana waved to people she had been at school with since kindergarten. This school was busier. Santana saw the AV club fussing over some new piece of technology, and she rolled her eyes as she walked by. The hockey team. 'They look like tools' Santana thought. A group of Cheerios were gathered by a water fountain. Santana smirked to herself. She was going to make the JV squad that year. One way or another. Sure, she wasn't that coordinated. But she was hot. And the squad needed that. She'd take dance lessons if she had too.
Santana got to her locker and swung her bag inside. As she shut the door, her new locker neighbour was looking around, lost, "Hey, you okay?" Santana's new locker neighbour looked up, "I don't know where my homeroom is..." the girl said. "What room is it?" Santana asked. The girl fumbled open her folder, "Umm, room 1307." Santana smiled, "That's mine too, lets go. Oh, by the way, I'm Santana." "Hi, I'm Brittany," the girl smiled back, a bit shyly as they walked to homeroom.
"How come I've never seen you before?" Santana quizzed Brittany as they sat in homeroom, waiting for the bell to go for first period, "Did you move here recently?" Brittany shook her head, "I've lived in Lima my whole life. But I went to Crawford County Day." "And you decided to transfer here?" Santana raised an eyebrow. "Crawford's nice, but it took ages on the bus to get there. Plus they don't have dance classes there, and no cheerleading squad. So I asked mum and dad if I could transfer," Brittany shrugged. Santana was still baffled by this. Crawford County Day was a top private all girls school. And this girl left to come to McKinley?
"Oh, so you cheer?" "I want to," Brittany replied, "I love to dance. I've been taking lessons since forever. I'm going to try out for the JV squad." "Oh cool," said Santana, "I was going to try out, I mean I want too..." she trailed off. "Then lets try out together!" Brittany said excitedly. "Ohh, I don't know, I mean I want too, but..." Brittany looked at Santana curiously, "But what?" "I can't really dance or anything," Santana quietly mumbled. Brittany smiled, "That's okay! I can help teach you and help you with the try out routine!" Santana looked up at Brittany. The girl was so friendly and open. No one was really like that with Santana. "That'd be cool. Thanks." "No problems!" Brittany chimed, "So what do you have first today?" Santana looked at her timetable, "Algebra. Eww. You?" "Same. Algebra. In room 1412." "Looks like we're Algebra buddies too," Santana laughed. Brittany grinned as both girls got up out of their seats at the sound of the bell, and headed for room 1412.
Santana slowly gained confidence in her ability to cheer and dance as Brittany helped her practice the tryout routine. Santana had a lot of natural ability and talent, she just lacked confidence. But Brittany helped her, a lot. Brittany took time, and helped Santana. She was patient. And over this time, the two girls became best friends. They'd go shopping on the weekends and have sleepovers. They were rarely seen apart. And Santana helped Brittany too. Santana soon learnt that Brittany, although a gifted and talented dancer, wasn't particularly book smart, and a bit naive. And people tried to take advantage of that, and put her down. She helped Brittany with her class work, and defended her when people tried to bully her. Some people didn't get how the two girls got along so well. But they did.
Then came the day. Tryouts had come and gone. Brittany and Santana met in the courtyard by the giant concrete steps before school started. "You totally made it Britt." "And so have you San!" Santana shook her head, "Doubt it." "Hey!" Brittany said, shaking her finger, "Not with that attitude again!" Santana sighed, "Sorry!" "Better," Brittany grinned, "Now lets go see if the list is up yet!" "Okay," Santana smiled at an excited Brittany, "Lets go look."
The two girls navigated the halls until they got to noticeboard where the list was going to be posted. And as Santana and Brittany got to the noticeboard, there was a group of girls already huddled around it. The list was up. As Brittany and Santana got closer, one girl walked by, crying and being comforted by a friend. Santana shot Brittany a nervous look, and Brittany smiled back. Brittany was confident they had both made it, but Santana wasn't. At the noticeboard, there were girls hugging each other, happy and excited they had made the squad. Then there were girls walking off, devastated that they hadn't made it.
Santana was distracted by watching the girls walking off, thinking that she would be one of them, that she didn't notice Brittany pushing her way through the crowd of happy girls. Once Brittany read the list, she ran over to Santana and crash tackle hugged her, and knocked her out of her daze. "Woah! Careful there!" Santana said as she steadied herself, "So guessing you're on the squad?" Brittany nodded and took a step back, "Yup! And that's not all either!" she said in a sing song voice, with the biggest grin on her face. "You made captain?" "Nope. The list doesn't say who's captain. But guess who else made the squad?" Santana shrugged and Brittany rolled her eyes," YOU! We both made it!" Santana's jaw dropped, and her eyes widened, "What? Serious?" "YES!" "Oh my god! That means we can go get our uniforms now!" Santana said, just about jumping up and down. "Lets go! Come on!" Brittany replied, grabbing Santana's hand as they ran towards their new cheerleading coaches' office to pick up their uniforms.
Santana woke after tossing and turning. "Fuck it!" she moodily said. It was only 3:06am, according to her bedside alarm clock. Santana had been dreaming, about when her and Brittany first met. How simple it was back then. And how she wished it was that simple again. But deep down, she loved the relationship she had now with Brittany. Nothing and no one made her as happy as Brittany did. And she was afraid that the world just wouldn't understand that. Santana picked her phone up, ready to dial Brittany's number, but then remembered that it was ridiculous o'clock in the morning, and Brittany was more than likely fast asleep. Santana got up, and got herself a glass of water, then got back into bed. In an effort to clear her mind and get to sleep, Santana got out her iPod, and pressed play. Even though it didn't help completely, it pushed the heavy thoughts to the back of her mind just enough to allow her to get to sleep.
Brittany on the other hand, slept peacefully. Her dreams had turned to the same as Santana's, about the period in time, back in freshman year when they first met. Brittany never thought that she would make friends so quickly when she left Crawford County Day and started at William McKinley. And she was so grateful her locker was right by Santana's/ otherwise she was convinced she probably would have ended up being one of them loser loner kids that sat by themselves at lunch. As Brittany dreamt about when her and Santana first met, she smiled and hugged Lord Tubbington tighter, so much so that he meowed and waddled off the bed. But Brittany slumbered on, dreaming about the one person in the world that made her truly happy.
Santana.
