Disclaimer: Welp, time for the same old song and dance: I don't own any of the franchises mentioned here. There, I said it. And it makes me feel sad. But not really. Warning: Here there be an OC protagonist. Well, more like deuteragonist. Whatever.

Hero. Defined by the Oxford dictionary as a person, typically a man, who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities; the chief male character in a book, play, or movie, who is typically identified with good qualities, and with whom the reader is expected to sympathize; a person of superhuman qualities and often semi-divine origin, in particular one of those whose exploits and dealings with the gods were the subject of ancient Greek myths and legends. At first glance, the word hero brings to mind such idealised concepts as chivalry, strength of character, unshakeable conviction…Basically, the word hero brings to mind a metric ton of nebulous bull shit that's been romanticised by the tales of old and the television and literature of today due to mankind's fallacious desire to have some poor schmuck be screwed over by fate to be obligated to save the day so that they don't have to.

Ah, yes, screwed over by fate. Why do I mention that, you ask? No? Well, too bad, because this story is all about getting screwed over, and if you're here to read a story about kumbaya and the power of friendship and what have you, then you can piss right the hell off, hippie, and take your doobie with you. This tale is a bukkake of being screwed over and thus screwing everyone else over in return twice as hard. A screwkkake, if you will, only with a lesser possibility of transmitting herpes.

Anyway, where was I before all this talk of screwkkake? Oh, yes: A person who feels unjustly bent over in front of fate due to having been granted the dubious honour of being a hero when really, they just wanted to be left the hell alone. And what better way to drag a schizoid-personality, sarky (yes, this is an actual word) recluse into a life of unwelcome heroism than by forcing them to be a participant in The Holy Grail War, a.k.a. the convoluted contrivance founded by three families of overambitious gasbags in which everyone participating gets dicked unless they happen to be a colossal asshole outsizing that of Goatse?

So that we don't get any whinging from purists, it shall henceforth be established that this tale takes place in an alternate universe than that of which the majority of you are used to. I, as the omnipotent narrator could give a detailed account of the myriad atrocities that shall take place in this aforementioned universe, but I'm really not in the mood to elucidate on that pile of rubbish. To make things easier for all of us in the long-run, let's just say that it is the result of a drunken tryst between Fate/Zero, Carnival Phantasm, Harry Potter, the works of H.P. Lovecraft, and one person's warped little mind. In short, don't be expecting much, if any, of the Nasuverse rules regarding magic to come into play here, because that brand of magic is more complex than a Baroque cantata and attention spans are in short supply here. Actually, just expect plentiful deviations from all of the source materials in general, because really, they're just vague guidelines to make the jerking around of the characters here more amusing. With that out of the way, and your interest diminished, please, enjoy the show.

A/N: Let's see, zero character development (or introduction, for that matter) and I have no idea whether to put this in the Fate/stay night section or the crossover section. If it only includes elements/rules from a universe and not actual character appearances, does it count as a crossover? So many questions…Sounds like we're off to a great start!