- First Petal -

Resolve


With each falling petal, Kanda loses a bit of himself.

The time the first petal of the lotus falls, Kanda is but a rookie Exorcist. Clutching Mugen in one of his clammy hands and the lotus hourglass in the other, he rocks upon the unsteady tempo of the wagon leaving the Asia headquarters, sandwiched grudgingly between General Tiedoll and Daisya.

At first he thinks it is because of the callous transportation that the lotus shivers and sheds a single petal. Later, huddled in a tent in the countryside of China, he realizes in a cold sweat that his life has narrowed down by one petal.

One less breath. One less moment.

He feels his mind peeling away like dead drabs of skin, flaking into nebulous pieces into the lifeless, humid air. He hears himself screaming silently for no one but his soul to hear; it begins to shatter into countless pieces as though it is attacked by his own Innocence's Kaichuu. He crumbles to the ground and clings at his long dark blue hair, melting himself in the sultry distress spun by his own panic from the depths of his broken soul.

He doesn't want to die—no not yet—there's still so much to do—he's still young—not yet not yet—he can't die—he must—he must—

He must find that person.

Kanda opens his eyes, and the mental dissembling stops. Shaking and quivering in spite of the heat, he shakily stands up right.

That damn priest.

He mustn't die yet. There are still Akuma lurking in the midst of humans out there, and he must kill them all. That person is still out there, and he must search that person out: the one who curses him with the tattoo and leaves naught but a simple flower as a derisive souvenir and constant reminder of his imminent early death.

The boy takes a shuddering breath and steadies himself. He must persevere no matter what. He made a promise to himself, after all, to find that person. Masking his remaining fear, he gives the pink lotus, innocently sheltered in the hourglass, the best glare he can muster.

It would be one of many to come.

Yet the flower merely shimmers as though mocking his very existence, taunting his silly little resolution when his fate has been decided already.

It would be the only existence that would fail to cower under his glowering eyes.

Kanda scoffs and turns away.

What does a lotus know anyway?

Despite his renewed resolve, however, the dangling pieces of his unfurling mind linger in his conscience.

The gentle curve of the single fallen lotus petal sneers.

You're so naïve.

But he won't die yet. He must not. He steels his eyes, his heart, and his soul and allows himself to let his bright boyhood memories slip through his fingers like sand.

And Kanda knows he has lost a bit of his original self already.


A/N: This will be the first of thirteen drabbles recounting Kanda's life as an Exorcist. Each drabble, which revolves a vague theme, is for each lotus petal that falls. And, as you should know if you're a DGM fan, Kanda's life depends on that lotus. Drabble drabble drabble! Please review.

D.Gray-Man (c) Hoshino Katsura