Dedicated to Sam, Jordan and Georgia, may they Rest In Peace.
No, they are not dead. But it is 2:00 in the morning and they're most likely asleep. Well, probably not Georgia. Oh, and I can't take all the credit for this, my friend who wishes to remain anonymous wrote some parts. Anything perverted: definitely her.
The End of the Marauders...
Chapter One: Remmy Eruption
Sirius walked out of the broom closet.
"Who were you with?" Remus asked thinking "God, who do we have to avoid for a year now...", tucking a bookmark neatly into his thick book, and neatly tucking it under his arm.
"No one, actually... I'm hiding from Smithy..." Sirius replied.
"And may I ask why you are hiding from Lee? Is it anything to do with the fact you called him Smithy again, while he told you not to call him from his last name? And especially, not if you're going to add a y to the end to make it more of a pet name?" Remus guesses.
"Surprisingly, no." Sirius pointed out, a look on his face showing that he seemed to be unsure why that was not the case.
"Then why exactly are you hiding from Lee?" Remus pondered. His face was showing that when his friend was beaten up for whatever he did wrong this time, he wouldn't be the one to get Sirius to the hospital wing.
"I can't actually remember..." Sirius drifted out of this conversation, desperately trying to remember why he was running from his "friend".
Remus sighed and moved on, obviously not too worried.
"MOONEY!" Sirius cried. "Aren't you going to help protect me?"
Remus tried not to hear, muttering under his breath.
"MOONEY! MOONEY! MOOOOOOOONEY!" Sirius screeched, his voice matching that of several microphones static.
"Use James' invisibility coat!" Remus suggested, before quickening his pace and rapidly turning a corner, no more in Sirius' sight.
"Oh yeah..." Sirius spoke aloud, though no one was there to hear him. He reached into his oversized pocket and pulled it out- only to find a note saying "Think I'm that thick Sirius!", in Lee's messy scrawl.
Sirius gulped. He heard footsteps. He spun around to the direction of the footsteps, but couldn't see anything.
Suddenly his head was in a headlock, with a hand mushing into his face.
"Ghee Geh Oh Meh" Sirius yelled. He meant to say "Lee, get off me" but that is quite hard, as you can assume, with a hand covering his face.
Lee let go, and took a step backwards.
"Look, I'm sorry I hit on your Girl Friend! I was drunk" Sirius took a guess at why Lee had ten minutes earlier screamed "I'm going to kill you!" at him. He held his breath.
"YOU HIT ON JORDAN! YOU WANKER! I WASN'T MAD AT YOU FOR THAT!" Lee yelled, turning a very angry red in his face.
"Oh shit" Sirius mumbled. He raised his voice so Lee could hear. "Look, I'm sorry, but whatever you're mad at me for, I don't know what. There are too many things to you to be mad at me for that i don't actually know which."
"I'm mad at you for stealing 5 BOTTLES OF FIRE WHISKEY from me, and then deciding you're 'Not in the mood for being drunk' and pouring them down the sink!, Oh, and then knocking me out with one as soon as I walk through the common room door so I WON'T GET MAD!" Lee shouted.
"Oooooh, that. I guess you could be mad at me for that." Sirius said casually.
"MY GOD SIRIUS, MAD? MAD? I'M BLOODY FURIOUS YOU NO-BRAIN, NO BALLS, PRICK HEAD! IF I HADN'T JUST SAID YOU HAD NO BALLS I WOULD HAVE KICKED THEM SO HARD THERE WOULD NEVER BE A SIRIUS JUNIOR!" Lee continued.
"Thank god you think I'm a woman, eh Lee?" Sirius nudged him in the ribs.
Lee looked at him, punched him in the face, and then turned around to leave.
Sirius fell to the floor, moaning and clutching his left cheek.
"I don't see how I deserved that." Sirius moaned, before standing up, and then heading to the common room. When he passed the library, he looked inside to see if Remus was there with Samantha, to the marauders and the 'marauderettes' known as Snow.
He spotted them, and they looked up at him, not shocked to see one of his cheeks swollen and red.
"Lee caught you, ay?" Sam asked.
"How did you know he was mad at me?" Sirius replied. Well, technically he asked back.
"Well, a little short of you running all through the castle yelling 'HELP ME! HELP ME! LEE'S GONA KILL ME! HE'S SOOOOO MAD AT ME! HELP!', I don't actually know." Sam answered.
"Oh. Makes sense." Sirius shrugged, not noticing the sarcasm in her voice to enough to get mad. "Hey, have we got a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow?"
"Yes Sirius, for the fifth time, yes." Answered Chad and Georgia (Known as Scales), who had just arrived at the library, hand in hand.
"Why are you guys here?" Remus asked.
"We were looking for you guys. We were bored." Georgia said. "I've decided the only thing about Hogwarts I REALLY don't like- I barely ever get to hear my muggle music!"
"It took you four years to decide that" Remus queried.
"No, I've thought it for a while. I only just decided to say it today."
"Remmy, I've found the book I want. Should we head to the Great Hall for dinner?" Sam looked at Remus to ask.
"I'm certainly hungry. I'm going whether you go or not." Sirius left the library, the others close behind.
"Gawd, Padfoot has the stomach of a whale. I don't see why he's a dog. A whale would be more fitting." Georgia murmured to Chad.
"Yeah. But what would be call him then? Blowhole?" Chad said.
Georgia looked at him puzzled.
"You know, the thing that they blow the water out of on the top of their heads." Peter explained.
"Oh right. Nah- I'm gona call him fishface. Very suiting." Georgia decided.
---------
"Ow.Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." Chad muttered every five seconds, as Sirius and Lee flicked food at him from across the table. (In case you're wondering about Lee and Chad, they had recently become a fifth marauder and a replacement Peter, as Peter was in some tragic accident and may never come back to Hogwarts. They had only started at Hogwarts this year, which was unusual, as they started as a fourth year. I'll get to that eventually if I remember).
"Lee, as funny as it is to watch Chad to get covered in food without protesting in the slightest bit, merely taking it and just saying ow, can you please stop flicking him?" Jordan asked, trying to make a puppy eyes face as she turned his head gently to look her in the eye.
"But Sirius did it first." Lee protested, knowing he was definitely fighting a loosing battle.
"Is Sirius my boyfriend? No. Are you? Yes" Jordan pointed out.
Remus and Sam just sat silently, looking at each other and talking through facial expression, raising an eyebrow to say "Who'd of seen this coming", and nodding to say "Nothing new, really"(- if nodding can ever really symbolise that something was normal, not at all absurd. Well, I guess muggles don't understand...).
Lee groaned, but reluctantly, and slowly, stopped flicking food at Chad. he aimed fro the head of a ravenclaw first year the next table along, but caught the look on Jordan's face and decided against it.
"Please Pounce! Just once!" He pleaded. (Pounce is Jordan's nickname.)
"No. If I let you flick one person once, you'll go out of control!" Jordan put her foot down at that.
"I feel like mangoes" Sam exclaimed, completely out of the blue.
Everyone turned their head towards her. Remus looked mortified.
'The fruit, or do... you, uh, um mean..." Remus stammered.
"Yes the fruit!" Sammy yelled, now the mortified one, that people might've got the wrong idea. "What else would I mean god damn it?"
Sirius opened his mouth to answer her but she quickly kicked him.
"I meant that to be rhetorical." She said sharply.
"Rhetorical... Retor... tor... What?" Sirius asked, fortunately off the subject of... mangoes.
"Rhetorical." Remus corrected him. "It is a question, that is not intended to be answered. A question that is not really a question at all, as a question is a sentence that is trying to gather information or an answer."
"Gosh, I think I forgot to swallow the dictionary sorry Mooney. Anyway- what's the point of that? If you don't want someone to answer, then don't ask a question!" Sirius said, throwing his arms in the air, almost in frustration.
Remus and Sam looked at each other, doubting whether or not Sirius had really grasped the concept of a rhetorical question.
Unfortunately, Sirius' statement had grabbed the attention of Georgia and Chad, and they were now in a very intense conversation, almost a debate, about the wonderful, the glorious: rhetorical question.
"I can see why you don't want an answer, but why not just make a statement, rather than confuse others." Sirius pointed out.
"Exactly!" Chad shouted. "Why not just say whatever you want in a normal sentence."
"I mean, making this 'rhetorical' question, it's just, it's just..." Georgia beganonly to be picked up by Sirius.
"It's just like saying 'Hello Mr Mango' 'Hello Mrs Fejoa' 'Fancy a chat' 'Can't sorry, got to go to work'! You could just say 'Hello mr Mango' 'Hello Mrs Fejoa' 'Fancy a chat' 'No thanks', and making it so much more simple!" He yelled.
"What the hell has that go to do with rhetorical questions!" Remus yelled, just about outraged at his stupidity.
"Oh yeah, it doesn't actually say anything about our discussion, does it Scales and Wormtail. Why didn't you correct me! You know what Mooney? I think you're lying. I think that you are saying I'm wrong, only because I said Mango and Fejoa. If I had said, Mr Thesaurus and Mrs Dictionary, you'd have been FINE!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm right, aren't I! Huh? Huh?"
Remus looked shocked.
"First of all," he began, in a calm voice "It's dictionary. Not dictionary. Second of all, I wouldn't of felt any differently. You know very well I like mangoes. in fact, I love mangoes. And don't giggle! You KNOW I'm talking about the fruit. That's simply nothing to do with rhetorical questions. Sometimes I really wonder why you can't just behave CIVILISED, and leave me to eat my meal in peace, without debates about mangoes, YES, THE FRUIT, or simple grammatical rules. And while we are talking bout peace, by meals, I am including times when I am reading, and eating chocolate, although that obviously doesn't qualify as a meal. And when I resume eating, if you even THINK about bringing up my word peace as a subject to speak about, say world peace, I will fill your bed with dictionaries, and next time I hide your fire whiskey, I will hide it some where you can't keep it back; say the sewage."
Remus instantly went back to eating his meal, with more facial expression conversing with Sam.
Sirius was at first slightly dumbfounded, as Remus never really spoke that much at once, before forgetting everything that he had just said; except for the word 'peace'.
"About world peace- what's the point in arguing for it! There are like, you know, hippy people starting fights about 'world peace'. I mean, starting FIGHTS for PEACE. It just doesn't work out! They're actually hypocrites." He said, not noticing the boiling red in Remus' face.
Until he stood up and half groaned, half yelled.
"OH DEAR GOD, SIRIUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! I SAID NOT TO BRING UP THAT SUBJECT, YET HERE YOU ARE, BRINGING IT UP! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"
"You said 'What is wrong with you' twice mooney." Chad pointed out. Remus shot Chad a warningly menacing glare, and Chad instantly recoiled and cowered away, looking sheepish, shrinking about 7 inches in his seat.
Georgia patted his head mumbling "Good Chad, Good Chad." under her breath, until Remus moved his glare from Chad to her, leaving her doing the same thing.
"You know, I think you need to calm down a bit Moony. I recommend you go to the room of requirement for a nice evening after dinner, and have a nice calm down. Maybe take Sam, and just read some soothing books..." Sirius said, in a very patronising tone of voice. Remus' head spun round with his special shrinking-in-seat glare, directed at full glance at Sirius. Even Sirius knew to slowly shuffle along in his seat, a little out of his gaze, and start eating, in absolute silence. Unfortunately, James chose that moment to walk over to the table.
"You will not believe what sort of an odd conversation Lily and her friends are having. It's a long story to how I know, Long story short I was just standing behind Lily so they couldn't see me, as I listened to them, discussing all about the hypocrisy of world peace. I mean, what is the point of that? We all know that Hippy's are starting fights about having world peace, and fighting is absolutely not peace, in fact it's the complete opposite but anyway..." He quickly shut up when he received full blow of the shrink-in-seat-and-shuffle-out-of-veiw-or-the-Remus'-evil-menacing-scary-killer glare.
"Sirius," James hissed "Did I just get the glare..."
"Did indeed mate," Sirius said in his usual obnoxiously loud voice, ignoring the fact that he was receiving it too "I think maybe I'll tell you why later. But may I recommend you don't bring up that subject."
"Which subject?" James asked, stupidly.
"The subject Lily and her friends were talking about while you spied." Sirius replied.
"i wasn't spying. Anyway, which one. Oh, about who has bigger boobs? I'll tell you anyway. they decided that Nicole's aren't as big as Lily's, but hers weren't the biggest either. Eve has probably got the..." He stopped when Sirius started looking at him oddly.
"Oh, you meant something else, ay?"
"Yes, Prongsie. I meant the..." he lowered his voice to a whisper "World Peace thing"
"Why can't I talk about World Peace?" James said, stupidly and infuriatingly loud.
Remus stood up, picked up a plate of food, and rammed it into James' mouth.
"Remus, are you okay?" Sam asked, with an explanatory worried look on her face.
James looked at remus with a displeased look. "Now Moony, I know you're mad at me for trying to hit on Sam when I was drunk. I'm sorry, but throwing food in my face is not the solution./ You of all people should know that you giant dictionary!"
"YOU WHAT?" Remus cried, completely oblivious to his previous issue, now infuriated that someone, and specifically James, had tried to hit on his girlfriend.
"Hey, the exact same thing happened to me before! Sirius tried to hit on Jordan when he was drunk. I just ran after him and eventually punched him in the face. His face is going to be red and swollen for ages, all thanks to me!" Lee pointed out.
"Thank you Lee, that's lovely to know." Remus said very sarcastically, through gritted teeth.
"You know Mooney, when you speak through gritted teeth, it's almost as if you aren't talking at all. I can hear it, but i can't see it! You should become one of those weird muggle people. You know, they hold a puppet and the puppet talks for them? a ventrola-la-la something." Sirius exclaimed, with a disturbing amount of excitement for the warming idea of Remus becoming a ventrola-la-la.
"A ventriloquist." Chad corrected.
"That's right Chad! Thank you! A ventriloquist!" Sirius shouted. "You should;d be a ventriloquist."
"Sirius," Remus took a breath, "Shut Up! For the good of the wizard and witching world shut the HELL UP! I can't even eat one meal in peace! You start conversations on every word I ever say! I just want to eat in peace without an obnoxious argument about 'World Peace' or me talking through 'gritted teeth, just like a ventriloquist'! I just want to spend one MINUTE even, without feeling like cutting off somebody's head!"
Remus had never spoken so loudly, so aggravated.
Sirius looked up at him, a genuine look of hurt in his eyes, a very uncommon thing for Sirius. "Well if that's how you feel about my company, maybe you'd prefer if I wasn't here."
With that, he stood up, and left the Great Hall.
"He left his food..." Lee murmured. Sirius never left his food. The one time he had ever left the Great Hall in fury he had at least taken his food. While not being a obesely large person, he ate more than everyone else in Hogwarts put together.
Everyone looked at Remus who had sat down and began to finish his meal, the plate of food that wasn't still situated on James' face.
"I wanted peace. Is that so much to ask? Wait, I tried asking- did that work? No." Remus said, sensing all his friends eyes focused on him.
"Yeah, but you didn't need to yell at him Moony!" Lee protested, showing a fair bit of anger.
"I have to agree there Remus, as much as I like some peace and quiet as well." Jordan agreed.
"I didn't yell at Sirius, I yelled at all of you. Sam and Jordan, you didn't really do anything, but my yelling was not directed at Sirius alone. It was at all of you talking and disturbing me while I tried to eat." Remus replied to their protests, no obvious guilt in his voice.
"Remus, you could've just left the table, or moved. Shouting at us wasn't really fair!" Chad and Georgia said, simultaneously.
"For crying out loud! I have to put up with being yelled at for 'not being fun enough' everyday! Being yelled at once for being boisterous and annoying is NOTHING. It is still not even fair on me! I don't see why Sirius never gets given such a telling off for calling me boring and yelling at me for spoiling his fun!" Remus continued, still in a calm, casual voice, merely raising it at all.
Everyone stared at him, dumbfounded. head a point.
"Remmy, maybe we should go now." Sam recommended.
"You know what Sam, i think that's a good idea. I've finished my meal, the last five minutes in peace, and I'm all ready to go." Remus decided.
"You never said you had a problem with it you know." Chad shouted after Remus.
Remus pretended not to hear, as he walked through the doors, Sam right by his side.
But although he pretended, he could hear Chad, Lee and Georgia talking about what had just happened, and he knew no one was on his side. One good thing though, he could hear Jordan get up to leave.
-----
"He never said anything before." Chad said.
"Never erupted like that either." Lee continued.
"If he had such a problem why didn't he say anything?" Georgia asked.
"Whatever it is, I'd say he's hiding something from us"...
