Where'd you go? I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone.
Please come back home.
Since we've been married, Josh hasn't been home for more than two months straight without having to go somewhere for at least a week. Of course there were those six months after our daughter Adrianna was born and then three years after that he took another six months off after our son Leo was born. But other than that, it seems like he is always gone. I used to not mind it so much; well at least I convinced myself that I didn't. But more and more it becomes harder to have a relationship with your husband as he is jet setting around the country trying to get the next big thing elected.
Before we had children, we decided that if we needed to make the decision that my career would come second. I never minded this. I knew that I would want to be with my children more than have a high profile career. I just always thought that Josh would too. I guess I was wrong. I mean, I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but its just hard sometimes to have to watch your children grow up and know that your husband and their father is missing out on important moments in their lives.
Sure he calls, but it doesn't seem like that's enough anymore. Most of the time I have nothing to say to him. Most of the time he has nothing to say to me. He wants to talk to the kids and Adrianna will go on forever about how she went shopping with Aunt Helen and Cousin Miranda the other day and other odds and ends in her life, which is fine, because she doesn't know the difference yet. I'm scared for the day when she realizes that her daddy is choosing to work over spending time with her. Leo barely talks, mainly because he is a year and half old, but he knows how to say things like "Hi, Daddy!!" and "I wuv you!!" both of which he more screams than says in a normal human voice. Sometimes Josh will call me late at night because he's lonely, and he'll end up getting upset with me because I don't have anything to say.
Most mornings I'll wake up to find myself sleeping on Josh's side of the bed. I guess during the night I'll subconsciously move over to his side of the bed because somewhere in my dreams I am hoping that he is sleeping there. Then, reality strikes and I remember that he is in California or somewhere else with his candidate for God knows how long and my useless dreams are scattered back to the wind they came from.
The kids are getting so big. Adrianna seems to be growing taller by the minute, even though she is only five or five and three-quarters, as she likes to say. Her long blonde hair, blue eyes, and angelic smile make me think that I am going to be in a lot of trouble when she is old enough to start dating.
She just finished first grade this year. We started her in school early because she was already reading chapter books and doing first grade math. She is excited to be going to the "big kids" school this year, but it scares the hell out of me that she is going to be in school with kids all the way up to fifth grade but I know she'll be fine. Well, as long as she doesn't get into any fights. I had to pick her up from school twice this year for fighting. Once she only pulled another little girl's hair in her class because she had said that she was a Republican, not like she knew the difference, but in any case Adrianna yelled at her and told her that Republicans were evil and that she was stupid for being one. That wasn't the worst of my problems, however. Apparently a boy on the playground had made fun of President Bartlet and so Adrianna punched him. It sort of upsets me that she didn't inherit my patience and instead inherited her father's short fuse and hot temper.
Leo couldn't be any different than his sister, however. He's always been quiet. Even when he was an infant, he hardly ever cried. Even when he was hungry he would just sort of whimper in his crib and wait for me or Josh to come in and feed him. He just started speaking recently, unlike Adrianna who started walking and talking at eight months old. I guess Leo just had nothing to say until now. He'll walk around the house in his superman pajamas with the teddy bear that Josh brought him a while ago and just hum to himself or every once in a while, he'll say something to the lamp on the end table and then giggle to himself when he realizes that I am watching him. He named the bear Daddy,I keep trying to get him to understand that Daddy gave him the bear and that the bear's name isn't Daddy, but he insists that the bear's name is Daddy and he never goes anywhere without it.
Leo looks more like Josh than me, except for his blue eyes. His unruly auburn curls make him a sight to see when I wake him up in the morning and he has learned, like his sister and his father, the power of his dimples. It isn't fair how cute they are and how whenever Leo or Adrianna and even Josh can make me agree to anything, well almost anything, just by flashing the dimples.
Sometimes I'll get lonely and find myself taking Leo out of his crib and sitting on the rocking chair in his room with him in my arms or sitting on the edge of Adrianna's bed just because I miss Josh so much that being near our children makes me feel closer to him. Its on those nights when I wish that this would all be over, that Josh would come home and stay home. Its also on those nights that I think about leaving him, taking my children, telling him that he can choose his career or he can choose us but he has to choose, telling him that I've had it with him and his career and that if he leaves one more time I won't be here when he gets back. But then I look at my children and know that that would tear them apart, so I go back to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Some days I feel like I want this all to be over and some days I wish that I hadn't chosen this path at all. But then I think of my two beautiful children and how much I really do love Josh and I take back everything. I just wish that it would be easier than this. I wish that Josh would be here for me the way I need him to be and mostly, I've had it with him and his career. I want and need him to be a father and husband because in the end that's all that matters. I just wish he would see that.
* * * * * *
I sit on the couch and wait for Josh to get home. He called and said his plane was just getting in and that he would be home in an hour. Its late, but I wait up for him anyway. The need to see him is overtaking the need to sleep. He comes in the door and puts his coat on the coat rack. He sees me sitting on the couch and comes over and kisses me softly. "Hey." He says as he sits down next to me.
I curl myself into his arms and don't say anything. I battle with my words inside my head, debating telling him that I've had it with this and that he either chooses me and our kids or when he comes back home from his next trip I won't be here. "How was your trip?" I ask finally.
"Long." Josh answers. "Too long." He laughs tiredly and then runs his fingers through his hair and turns to kiss the top of my head. "I missed you and the kids. I hate being away from you guys this much."
"We miss you, too." I say sitting up and looking in his eyes. "Especially me. Every time you leave I hope that this will be the last time and that you will finally decide to stay here when you come home. But then you leave again and…I don't know it almost seems like we're not good enough for you…like we're not enough."
"Donna, it's not like that and you know it. I am just doing my job." He exasperates as if he is telling me something that he is tired of telling me.
"Right, Josh. I forgot about how important your job is to you. You know I just thought that maybe your children and your wife were more important. I don't know where I got that from, I guess that's just a crazy idea that I got from somewhere, huh?" I say accusingly.
Josh doesn't say anything. He doesn't even move, he just rubs his eyes which is his way of telling me that he doesn't want to have this fight without actually saying the words. "Donna—"
"You know what, Josh?" I stand up and look down to where he is sitting on the couch. "We don't have to have this fight right now. We don't ever have to have it if you don't want to. I just want to let you know that there is a possibility that the next time you come home I might not be here. Then I won't be here to take away from your job."
Josh just sits there and stares at me without saying a word and I feel like hitting him. He doesn't say that he doesn't want me to leave, doesn't make any promises that he's going to stay home this time, doesn't show any effort to keep me around at all. I go to our room and lock the door to the bathroom. I sit down against the wall and begin to cry. I hate myself for crying over him because I know I'm stronger than this. I went through this once with him and I promised myself that I would never cry over him again, but in the end it always seems like I end up alone crying my eyes out for a man that I am hopelessly in love with.
A few minutes later I hear a knock on the bathroom door. "Donnatella?" Josh says softly.
"Joshua?" I answer back. I don't want him to come in, at least I try and convince myself of that. Desperately though I hope that if I open the door for him he will pull me into an embrace and tell me he's sorry and that he's going to ask to be placed in the DC office and that he's going to be home at five every night and that he wants to be a good father and that it kills him that he made me hurt. But unfortunately, that is not the man I married and have known for all these years.
"Donna, I need you to unlock the door or I am going to unlock it myself." He says almost threateningly. Then something in his voice changes and he softly says, "Please, Donna."
It's the please that gets me, the tone of his voice that makes me think that maybe just maybe he is going to attempt to be everything I need him to be. So, I sit up a little and open the door before retaking my spot leaning against the cool, tiled wall.
Josh opens the door slowly and then takes a seat next to me on the bathroom floor. He is going to have a hell of a time getting up off the floor, but I am just going to let that slide for right now. "Donna, I'm—"
"Don't, Josh." I hiss. "Just don't sit here and give me those eyes and tell me you're sorry and that you're going to try harder this time. Because I don't want your fake apologies and your empty promises." I say as I close my eyes so that I don't have to look at him. Josh has always boasted that he is a pitbull and can take anything that is thrown his way, but I know that if you look at his eyes it is easy to see his hurt. So I close my eyes, so that I can pretend that I'm not hurting him.
"Donna, I don't know what to say." He says resting his head against the wall. "I don't want you to leave."
"I wish that was enough this time, Josh." I whisper.
"I need you, Donna. I love you." He says running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know what else you want me to say"
"Do you remember that teddy bear that you bought Leo on one of your trips?" I ask, turning to face him.
"The Chicago Bears one?" I nod. "Of course I do."
"Do you know what he named it?" Josh shakes his head and I continue. "He named it Daddy. That's the bear's name. Daddy. And you know why that is? Because he doesn't know who you are. I love you, Josh. Nothing will ever change that, but its not just me who needs you anymore. I can't ask your children to deal with things that I have had to deal with the for the seventeen years that I have known you. I love them too much."
"I love them too, Donna. They're my children." He says as if he is surprised that I just accused him of not caring about his children.
"Really? You have a funny way of showing it." My strength is beginning to fail me and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes once again. "When you married me, you promised to love me forever. Sometimes I wonder if that is still the case."
A small tear slips down my cheek and in an instant I can feel Josh's hand on my face, wiping the tear away. "I promised you then that I would be there for you and I know that I haven't done such a good job doing that, but I will never stop loving you. Ever." He turns to me and stares into my eyes and I keep them open so I can return his gaze. "I've gotten so bogged down in all of this crap that I've forgotten what's important to me. You, Leo, and Adrianna, you're what's important to me. If you give me another chance I promise that I will spend the rest of our lives together making it up to you and our children."
Josh's eyes are full of hurt and sorrow, but my heart is not so quick to let go again. "I don't know how many more chances I can give you, Joshua. I can't just keep giving you room to mess up and then take you back when you do. I can't do that for the rest of my life." I say as my voice cracks with the thought of spending the rest of my life without Josh.
"I won't mess up. I can't bear to lose you. I promise." He says taking me in his arms and holding me close to his chest. "I love you so much, Donnatella. I'm so sorry."
"I love you, too." I say and lean up to kiss him softly on the lips.
