Let me know what you think. You might hate me for this one.
I still remember every detail, every little thing that could be tied to the event. I had caused it, and now I was left to pick up the pieces of my life, even if the most important piece lay six feet under. It was cold, the kind of cold that closes school and causes frostbite in minutes. The snow was coming down harder than I ever seen before, even though my childhood winters were long and cold in Chicago. Neither of us thought much of it, it was hard to see but we were going slowly. The heat was running full-blast and Christmas carols were blasting out of the speakers, trying to be heard over the radiator.
We were talking, Mostly about her coming back from London. It was all so close, she was planning to move back home in a few months. London had lost her interest, and Emily wanted to come back to Virginia. Penelope was hosting a family get together that night, because everyone had other plans for Christmas. We had planned on getting there before dark. The blizzard had devolved into flurries, the kind that people picture on their eyelashes. The temperature had dropped, and the snow that had melted on the ground turned into ice. We were almost there, and in our conversation Emily turned to me and laughed merrily at I joke I had told.
"Emily!" I yelled when I noticed a car was coming towards us. She veered, and I thought everything was going to be alright.
The desperate sound the tires were making, alerted me that everything wasn't okay. I remember seeing a truck, also slipping on black ice coming into the wrong lane. It ended with a blinding halt. Glass fragments flew through the air like a fireworks, and hit the ground like rain drops. I managed to open my eyes, the world dimly lit by street lights. I stared at the sky blankly watching snow fall, finally landing on my bloody face. Suddenly, it all came back to me. A rush of emotions, guilt, concern, and love flooded through my body as I used all of my strength to turn to Emily.
Emily. Her dark hair lying in blood. Blood. So much blood. Dark eyes blinked at me, filled with concern. Her face used to fill my dreams, but now it plagues my nightmares. She blinked a few times, her doe eyes filled with fear. I reached out my hand to her, using the strength I didn't have.
"I love you. I should have told you before." I croak, worried about the outcome.
"I know." She answered closing her eyes and squeezing my hand. "I won't let you go." I know then she was thinking of that night on the warehouse floor. The night I always thought would be my worst, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
They tell me I need to let go. They say she wouldn't want this. Who are they to tell me not to grieve? I know they want me to be happy, but it's useless now. The girl with the dark hair, fiery soul, and loving heart is gone. Every Christmas is heavy, every joyous moment covered by dark. Every day another moment it this endless circle of depression.
I force myself to spend my weekends out of the house. I train every Saturday, like we used to. I buy lunch at the same place we always went to, sitting in the same worn red booth, getting the same somber look from the owner every Saturday night. On Sundays I go to church, trying to make sense of it all but miserably failing. Finally on Sunday night I buy a bouquet of white lilies, and I watch the sun go down. Like Emily and I always use to do. Always. I leave the lilies on her grave, and I pray she can forgive me.
Everyday is the same. Life doesn't have purpose. I smile, and laugh but it's always a façade. It's all for them, so they can't see how much I am really hurting. I know things won't be the same, but there is one silver lining that I can't ignore. She knew I loved her, and I couldn't ask for more.
