Disclaimer: all characters property of David Croft, Jimmy Perry and the BBC.


"What a to do, Rangi! Why is everyone running about like the turkeys with no heads?"

"Because, you ignorant coolie, of smelly goat that walked into Sergeant-Major sahib's basha this morning and has not come out again."

Mohammed shrugs. "Having goat in house is not so very bad."

"But it is very bad now that goat in house is also inside Indian rock python."

"Sergeant-Major-sahib has giant python hiding?"

"Yes, but not same one in rumours put about by certain lady who live in house near bazaar with pretty red lamp above door."

"What a terrible thing this is!"

"Hām̐! The captain-sahib, he tell Bombardier Solomons and Gunner Evans to try to shoot the snake, because they are the markysmen. This means that they can hit door of barn. Even when they are ten whole paces away from it."

"And did they go to basha?"

"They run very fast. In opposite direction."

Ramzan briefly stops punka-ing to offer his lengthy opinion. "Yellow streak," he finishes.

"What will happen now, Rangi?"

"Now the captain-sahib has gone to mess tent to look for some soldiers. And the sergeant-major-sahib is looking for the stupid fellow who left open door of basha."

"Why are you not helping to find the damn native who did such a thing?"

"For one very good reason. It was me."

"Up river without paddle," Ramzan notes, insightfully.

"Rangi, you are always being so brave. Are you not afraid of what sergeant-major-sahib will do?"

"My friend, for every problem, there is Hindu proverb. Proverbs reveal sacred wisdom of ancient teachers. To man who understand meaning of proverb, everything become clear."

"And what is the proverb that will help you today?"

"That man in trouble must be like the needle in the haystack. Difficult to find, and sharp as ruddy hell."