Author's Message
This is very much AU and a bit of a weird, freaky concept that may well spectacularly bomb with the readers, particularly those of you unfamiliar with the topical satirical comedy show Mock The Week, which possibly means everyone outside the UK!
The idea came into my head a week or so ago and has remained bouncing around there ever since. I don't think I will be able to continue with my other stories until I get this idea out of my head and onto the page. So here it is. I hope some of you like it even if it isn't to everyone's taste! Please review if you can!
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DO:Hello and welcome to a special Skins edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Frankie Boyle, Cook and Katie Fitch and Hugh Dennis, Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch.
Wild applause and cheering breaks out from the studio audience. Frankie Boyle is for once team captain and has sitting on either side of him Cook and Katie. Hugh Dennis is the other team captain and has Naomi and Emily sitting on either side of him.
DO:We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'
Tonight there are no categories to choose from as all the rounds are about Skins Series 3. So, here we go.
On the screen in the studio comes up the answer 50,000.
DO:Okay, so your answer is '50,000'. What is the question?
KF:Is it 'How many times a day on average does Cook burp, fart, scratch his balls in public and try to shag somebody's sister?' I mean, he's got, like, a real suave, sophisticated style about him that no self-respecting girl could ever resist, hasn't he? (Cook grins broadly and nods his head in appreciation at Katie's answer)
NC:Is it 'What is the highest number that Cook can actually count up to?' Mind you I'm only guessing as I've got no evidence that he can even count past ten.
C:Of course I fucking can. Eleven comes after ten (Huge applause from the studio audience.) I know that for a fact, that's easy, coz that's the number of players in the Bristol Rovers Reserves team that Katie's already shagged, including Danny.
KF:Fuck off, Cook!
NC:No, I'm not sure Cook's got that quite right. Is the question in fact 'How many boyfriends has Katie got through since she first started not being without a boyfriend at the age of seven?'
KF:Right! You fucking asked for it, bitch. I've got it, I've got it! Is it 'How many times will Naomi have to deny being a lezza before anyone actually starts believing her?'
FB:Is it 'What is the average amount of sperm in cc's that teenage boys in the UK have wanked off whilst watching the Naomily lakeside sex scene?'
EF:Is it 'How many times will Cook or Freddie have to ruffle JJ's hair before he finally loses patience and tells them to stop fucking doing it?'
C:I think I've finally got what this round is all about! (he receives sarcastic applause from all the girls) Is the question 'How much money would you have to pay Katie before she'd agree to a threesome with me and any other girl?'
KF: Cook, in your dreams, you arsehole! You'd never get your hands on the sort of money it would take to get me in bed with you and whatever scrubber you might turn up with.'
HD:Is it 'How many grams of MDMA would have had to have been put into the chocolate brownies before Pandora's Mum would have agreed to let all the girls watch her own sex video with her?'
DO:At the end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!
Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a still picture taken from the last series of Skins showing Emily and Naomi leaving the Love Ball together hand in hand. Ah!!! But what does I.L.Y.T. stand for?
C:It can only be one thing, surely? Isn't it 'Irresponsible Lesbian Young Teenagers?' I mean, what the fucking hell is going on here? Look, I've already screwed Effy and Panda so if these two are going to selfishly turn their backs on men then a normal, fit, sexually active guy like me is only going to be left with mingers like Katie.'
KFCook, if you and I were the only people left on Earth after a nuclear fall-out I'd sooner let the planet die than let you come within fifty miles of my vagina. Anyway, moving smartly on, I think it stands for 'I leave you traumatised.' (Katie flashes an obviously fake smile across the studio at Naomi who glares at her).
EFActually, I'm sure I do remember this one. Wasn't it 'I Loathe Your Twin?'
NC:Ems, loathe doesn't go anywhere near describing my feelings for that cow over there. Given the choice of being stuck in a lift all day with Katie or Osama bin Laden, I'll take bin Laden every time. I'd feel much safer and less nauseous with him. (Naomi returns the compliment to Katie by smiling sweetly at her across the room while sticking up the middle finger of her right hand in Katie's direction.
FB:Is it 'Illicit Lovers Yank Todgers?' Not that I'm getting obsessive about teenage boys masturbating to images of two attractive teenage girls getting it on with each other, of course. It just came into my head, that's all.
EFAre all your answers to do with masturbation, Frankie? Do you actually think about anything else? (Frankie laughs and shakes his head violently)
FB:I try not to.
NC:I think it's quite simple, in fact. Although I didn't actually say this, it does represent what I was thinking seconds before I came out and said what I said.
EB:What was that?'
NC:'I Love Your Tits'. I mean, I was intending to tell you that at some time anyway. I just wasn't sure if that was quite the right time or the right place. I thought possibly the moment called for something a touch more romantic.
HD:Speaking of romance, I'll take a gigantic stab in the dark here, because I've never even seen this series but was it by any remote possibility 'I Love You Too'?
DB: Indeed it was, Hugh. Very well done, that was quite a tough one! The points in that round go to Hugh, Naomi and Emily!!
Now we come to a round called 'Stand up and be counted'. This will involve Katie, Cook, Naomi and Emily, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Cook lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Emily taking their places next to one another on the near side.)
This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of Cook singing on stage at Johnny White's daughter's engagement party.
The first subject is Cook singing at a well-known Bristol gangster's daughter's engagement party. Who wants to start off on that topic?
(Emily nervously makes her way forward to the middle of the stage)
OK, Emily.
EF:As you can see from the picture that was the night that Cook mistakenly thought he was auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. I think someone had told him that Susan Boyle was going to be in the audience and he thought that getting up to sing would be his best chance of pulling her! Of course, he was fooling himself because she's such a famous star now that she can afford to be very choosy about the kind of guys she shags. And I'm afraid Cook just doesn't meet her very high standards- he's simply not in her league.
Of course, this wasn't the first time Cook had stood up in front of an audience and showed us all what he'd got. Mind you, the first time it didn't exactly go down very well with our college director, Harriet – unlike Jordan who did go down very well, or at least so it seemed to me. Actually I think Cook and Jordan would make the perfect couple, don't you? They seem so well suited to one another. They both come from the same social background – the sewer – and they both have similar aspirations to better themselves by climbing up the social ladder into the gutter.
DO:Thank you very much, Emily! (Emily goes back to her spot next to Naomi with a big smile on her face while Cook stands on the opposite side of the studio, with a wry, resigned grin on his face) OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a picture of a classroom of students. OK, the subject is education. Who wants to take that subject?
(Naomi steps forward with a confident, purposeful stride and takes her place in the middle of the floor).
NC:Education. That's a subject that's not very close to Katie's heart. In fact the only time Katie ever managed to pass an exam was when Emily disguised herself as Katie and sat her history paper for her. Now, if it was the other way round and Katie had to dress up as Emily and sit an exam for her, Katie would be too stupid to remember not to fill in her own name on the paper!
When Katie was asked in class one time to explain what is history she answered 'my last boyfriend.' They say, don't they, that you can go a long way in life with just a little bit of education. So by my reckoning I make it that Katie can just about get as far as the end of her front garden.
I am surprised, though, that Katie's useless at history. After all, if you think about it, history is all about things happening on dates and basically that's all Katie really thinks about!
What I can't understand is why she didn't choose to do biology for A level. I mean, the practical part of it would be a piece of piss for her; she's been revising for that since she was nine years old, as she never tires of telling us.
DO:Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Cook and Katie. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of a collection of recreational drugs.
It's drugs. Who would like to come in on that one? Cook! There's a surprise!
C:Drugs, then. OK, we hear a lot of talk in the papers and in the media generally about drugs being, like, really bad. But I don't agree with that coz the stuff I've been taking recently has been seriously good shit. Honestly!
They say it kills your brain cells and affects your speech and your memory and shit like that. But it can't really fuck you up like they say. I mean I'm just as sharp, intelligent and quick-witted now as I was before I even smoked my first spliff.
Besides, drugs actually help some people. You know, ugly girls, for example. How else would they get a shag if the guys who fucked them weren't totally stoned out of their minds? And look at someone like JJ. He takes hundreds of pills every day for his condition. If he didn't he wouldn't be so interesting and quirky and wouldn't have pulled Emily because she wouldn't have felt sorry for him!
And remember this – if Katie hadn't put all that MDMA in the brownies mix, then Emily wouldn't have been out of it enough to ask Naomi to kiss her and Naomi certainly wouldn't have kissed her back. Then Naomi wouldn't have been able to resist my charismatic charm after the student election and I'd have had my wicked way with her. So drugs have saved this show from being just like any other teenage drama, if you think about. Not that I can think about much nowadays, I'm so off my face half the time.
DO:OK, that leaves just Katie. Let's see what topic you're left with, Katie.
(A picture of a model walking along a catwalk flashes up on the screen). It's fashion and beauty. Katie.
KF:Well, it's lucky I was left with this topic coz if Emily or Naomi had been given it they wouldn't have known what to talk about. I mean, if a girl wants to pull a good looking guy she's got to know how to look good and I do. I mean, no wonder Ems and Naomi ended up together; they've got no idea about fashion and how to show off what you've got.
I mean I wouldn't have pulled a fit guy like Danny if I hadn't given him a good eyeful to begin with. If you've got it flaunt it, girls! Yeah, I know he turned out to be a complete dickhead, but that's not the point. I wouldn't have pulled him anyway if I hadn't looked great. I mean look at poor Panda. She's a lovely girl, don't get me wrong but she's got no style, no dress sense at all. Hopeless! Yes, I know she ended up with Thomas who's a complete gentleman and treats her well and respects her and forgave her when she shagged Cook……..but that's not the point, is it? She'd never have pulled Danny looking the way she does half the time, that's the real point.
Besides, we girls know that the really best guys like girls with brains and beauty, so I'm always halfway in with a chance, aren't I?
DO:OK, that's the end of that round and the points go to Naomi!
Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their teams).
OK, here we go with the first topic which is 'Things you wouldn't want to hear at a Skins party.'
Cook immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer steps forward to take his/her place).
C:Hi…….Um……Yes, well…Um……I'm JJ, your DJ for the night and I'm going to get this place rocking with some of my favourite classical pieces.
KF:Wow! That was an absolutely amazing kiss, Naomi, but actually I'm Katie.
NC:Hey, Katie! That toilet paper hanging out of the back of your skirt is a wicked fashion accessory!
EF:Jelly and ice cream AND Twister? Should be a fucking blast tonight!
NC:This 'School Dinners' party theme was a great idea, Cook. Katie could come as she is!
C:Right. I've shagged all the women here and I'm still feeling horny. JJ!!!
KF:I'm sorry, love. The 'stroppy, platinum blonde lezzas' night's tomorrow.
FB:What do you mean, I'm too old? They're all over twelve aren't they?
HD:There's been one question I've been dying to ask you all night, Emily. Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'Unlikely Things To Hear In A Skins Programme'.
C:Drugs? No, sorry, I never touch the stuff.
EF:It's hardly surprising I turned out like this with a Mum, a Dad and a sister who all love me and totally understand me.
NC:I know there's a great party happening tonight but I've got coursework to do.
KF: Flash cars and big wallets really don't impress me. I'm much more interested in what a guy's got to say.
FB:Viewers should be warned that the following programme contains bad language, scenes of a sexual nature and adult themes. And after 'How Clean Is Your House' you can watch the next episode of Skins.
C:I'm really sorry but we can't have sex. I forgot to bring a condom with me.
HD:I don't care if she's totally off her head with drugs and alcohol. She's got a class to take in five minutes.
KF:Why do we all have to argue the whole time? Why can't we just accept that we're all different individuals and just get on with each other?
DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'The Worst Opening Line From Series 4'
C:You know, JJ, I still can't believe Effy was born a guy.
NC:No, I'm not saying I only fancy boys again, Emily. I've just decided I hate red hair.
EF:Naomi, do you ever regret us staying here in Cyprus and becoming prostitutes instead of going back to college?
KF:Mum, Dad, James? Are you serious? Am I the only person in this family who isn't fucking gay?
FB:As your new headmaster, I can assure you that I am no longer on the paedophile register.
HD:Um….look, Cook…..I know Effy chose Freddie rather than you, but surely there was no need to drown him in the river.
DO:And at the end of that round the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!
That's the end of the show and this week's winners are all the Skins characters for being such good sports and agreeing to come on the show and have the piss taken out of them!
We'll see you again –MAYBE! – but thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Goodnight!
