I'm so sorry guys, this is another sad one. Bit short though. There will be something nicer from me soon I promise. Please leave a comment if you have the time :)
You know it's not possible but you wait for her to stir as you cradle her in your arms. She's tiny but perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, a tuft of blonde curly hair and rosebud lips. She looks as if she's asleep, almost. Sam sits silently, her knees hugged up against her chest staring out of the window.
"Sam," you say gently, the words catching painfully in your throat as you fight back tears.
She drops her head and you can see the tension in her shoudlers. She's pale and exhausted, but you know she has to do this.
You walk softly over to the bed, cradling the pink bundle carefully in your arms, protecting it as if it were the most precious thing in the world. Not anymore. You push the terrible thought out of your head though as you stand next to Sam and reach to gently stroke her hair.
"Sam, you have to say goodbye," you tell her, your heart breaking for the millionth time.
"No." She whispers, not looking up to meet your eyes.
"Sam, please," you plead, trying to reason with her, and she visibly flinches as you take another step forward.
"I can't," she says softly, her voice eerily calm.
You adjust the blankets swaddled around the tiny baby, gasping as your fingers brush over her cold cheek.
"Hold the baby Sam," you say, holding the baby out to her. It's tearing you apart, you know she's hurting and you're both completely broken but she has to do this. She needs more than a set of inky footprints and a blurry Polaroid.
"I can't," she protests, shaking her head, "Tom I can't."
You bring the baby close to you again, cradling her against your chest with one arm as you gently try and prise Sam's arms away from her knees. She tries to fight you but you're too strong and she's too tired.
"I can't, I ca..." she pleads with you, but you've made your mind up. You stand your ground.
She finally looks up at you, pained etched on her face, and a single tear begins to roll down her cheek. You sit on the edge of the bed and hold the baby out to her again. With shaking hands she takes her, holding her carefully, supporting her head like any mother would do.
Sam brings her gaze slowly down to her daughter and looks at her properly for the first time.
"She's beautiful," she whispers, her voice hoarse with the weight of unshed tears. "Why?" she asks softly, looking back up at you. "What did I do wrong? Wh...why...us?" she asks and you know that while you cannot answer her second question, you can answer the first.
"This is not your fault, this is no one's fault," you are quick to reassure her, your voice breaking as tears begin to roll down your cheeks. You've been holding them back for Sam's sake but you can't anymore, it's too hard.
You place your hand gently on her cheek as she starts to sob, harsh, bone-wracking sobs that you know are going to haunt your nightmares. You pull her close to you, the silent baby nestled in between you and hold Sam as she cries, not knowing what else to do. You don't know how you're going to move forward, but right at this very moment in time you have to be strong. For the both of you.
Thank you for reading :) xx
