Chapter one

His Will, Her Shame

A/N: Rating for adult situations, occasional language, and violence. This is me telling you what to expect.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, just writing for fun, I make no profit from my writing.

Five days had passed. The trip to Cleveland had been uneventful unless you counted all the medical work that had went on for all of the new slayers as well as Buffy herself.

Not once had she cried. Not a single tear had dripped down her cheeks. She had to be strong, she had to be.

Buffy looked at Dawn's sleeping face. Since the battle, Dawn refused to even sleep in a different bed than Buffy, not that Buffy minded. Her younger sister turned slightly, cuddling up to the pillow she laid on as well as accidentally knocking the blankets off herself. Buffy pulled the blankets back over Dawn's shoulder.

She felt one tear drip down her left cheek. She didn't know why she was surprised, but she wiped it away and stared at the wetness on her fingertips with shock. She really didn't think she cared so much... About him. It was silly really, how could she care? What gave her the right?

She had hurt him enough, used him enough, been such a bitch... If she had known the sacrifice he'd make for them all, she'd take it all back.

Her heart ached. She'd take it all back and lay snuggly in his arms. She'd kiss his cheeks and tell him just how much he meant to her. She'd apologize for taking her self-hatred out on him, but it was too late for any of that.

Then she couldn't help but wonder if somehow she could travel back and tell her past self about all of this, would she have even listened?

She was always hurtful to him. She always thought it was for good reason. The number of times he had tried to kill them made it worth it, right? Maybe it was the time he had tried to rape her that made her so volatile towards him?

However, there was the one thing she always seemed to forget back then. He tried to rape her but directly after he found himself feeling guilt. A soulless vampire had felt guilty and wanted to prove to her he could be the man she wanted. He went and got his soul back... For her. To prove something to her, but she never really listened. She never really cared, not until now.

"Tap tap tap." The door of their room was knocked on lightly and Buffy stared at it with confusion. Who would come here so late at night? She had already seen the other new slayers to their rooms. She'd spent time with Willow, Xander, and Andrew at the bar and Giles had gone back to England to explain everything to the watcher's council. With luck, the new slayers would be properly trained and spread out so that they could destroy evil all around the world.

She got up slowly, trying to not wake Dawn up. She made her way to the door and opened it.

"Angel?" She asked as she took in his form. Angel looked like he was about to ask to come in when he caught sight of Dawn's sleeping form.

"Can we talk?" He asked and Buffy nodded as she made sure she had her key card before stepping outside and closing the door.

"What's going on?" She asked, but in a sudden flurry of movement, she found herself in his arms.

"Are you okay Buffy?" His words were whispered into her ear. Buffy nodded, although her heart disagreed. Angel backed away to look her in the eyes before shaking his head.

"Don't lie to me, Buffy, I know you better than that." He told her. She stared up into his eyes, her lip quivered. He was giving her permission to admit her upset.

"I..." She didn't even know where to start. Her eyes glistened over.

"It's gone, all of it... The school, mom's house... Mom... She's buried in hell now, I knew I should have had her cremated but she always wanted to be buried. How could I be so stupid!?" Buffy asked him as the tears finally made their way out.

"And Spike... I was so horrible to him. All the time, I insulted him, I thought I hated him, but... But..." She didn't know what she felt for him, but it was something.

"He saved us all and I could never even truly love him like he wanted me too. I can never love anyone, I don't deserve anyone." She admitted and watched Angel narrow his eyes as he once again pulled her into an embrace.

"Buffy, I know you know that I never really liked Spike all that much-." He began, but she tore away.

"Don't you dare say anything bad about him! You didn't know him in those last moments, he really was different!" Buffy went off, but Angel's face stayed somber.

"But he had a few last wishes should anything happen to him." Angel finished and Buffy looked confused. Angel frowned as he took out a manila folder out from inside his jacket.

"I just got this in the mail yesterday and since he didn't call, I had to assume the worst." Angel explained and Buffy looked utterly confused.

"His will, should he die, he made a will." Angel finished and Buffy shook her head.

"Buffy, I want you to know that he really did care about you, he cared so much that he entrusted the one person he really hated to make sure you'd be alright." Angel said as he looked down, he looked sad himself. After a few silent seconds in which Buffy bit back tears and wiped her cheeks, Angel opened the envelope and pulled out the documents.

"He left everything to you and Dawn." He explained and Buffy shook her head in confusion.

"What do you mean everything? Spike... He... He didn't have much I don't think." Buffy stated. Angel gave a sad smile.

"Buffy, Spike owned an entire estate in England, a few cars, some artifacts." Angel explained which gained a confused look from Buffy.

"An entire estate? But... He always lived in crypts and..." Buffy started, but Angel shook his head.

"Living in the lap of luxury is cool for a decade or two, but then it gets boring. Plus, I think he kept it because it was his home." Angel explained. Buffy was completely perplexed by this though.

"No. His home? I don't underst-." She was interrupted by Angel.

"His human home, he never let anyone else have it, he wouldn't allow that and now he's leaving it to you." Angel said and Buffy took a step back.

"No, he... Why stay in Sunnyvale all this time if?" She didn't finish her question, but Angel understood what she was asking.

"Buffy, it's a Hellmouth and based on what he said about you, most likely you're the reason he stayed." Angel admitted although it pained him to say so.

"Said about me? What did he say?" Buffy asked and Angel let out a sigh.

"You remember when I came to see you before? Well, he found me directly after." Angel said and Buffy listened, waiting for him to go on.

"He was really defensive at first, really upset. He said he cared about you, worked so hard to try and win your love and then I show up―.

"Her knight in shining armor!" Spike said sarcastically.

"How am I ever going to win her heart when you come knocking on the door every time I turn around? You know, I... I love her so you can-." He bit out with his contorted face before he frowned. Spike's vamp face melted away as a sad look came across his face.

"So I'll tell you what you nancy boy... You better keep her safe, if I die, she won't have anyone that understands that she needs to cry too. She'll stay strong, she'll stay on her two feet if it kills her and she won't let herself cry unless someone tells her it's okay. I know her, I know she'll be like that." Spike admitted as he clenched his fists.

"I know she trusts you so you better not let her down." Spike muttered and turned before Angel could mutter a word.

"Spike." Angel called, but the blonde vampire continued stalking off. Angel looked annoyed for a second before trying again.

"William." He called this time and Spike stopped at the sound of his old name.

"You really care about her?" He asked.

"Yes, I really care, ol' little Spike is whipped and spineless, alright!?" Spike let out with such an attitude. Angel swallowed. What he would say next, well, he'd have difficulty getting it out.

"You tell her it's okay. You keep her safe now." He said. It's all he could say, he couldn't say more, except...

"It pains me to say it, but I know when I was that monster, I taught you well. Protect her William and stay by her side, I know you'll make it out okay, so you tell her everything will be alright." He got out, his heart breaking as he said it. The thing was that he and Buffy could never really be together and if Spike made Buffy happy... How could he not let her go when Spike himself came to the conclusion that like it or not, should he die, he, Angel, needed to comfort her.

-and that's how I know that he really did care about you Buffy, and now this." Angel held up the documents.

"He cared Buffy, he really did and I know that. I have nothing bad to say about him." Angel said and Buffy shook her head as tears oozed out of her eyes.

"How could I?" Buffy asked and Angel narrowed his eyes again.

"What?" He asked and Buffy crossed her arms, clenching her forearms tightly, she was trying to quell her chills that came from within.

"I was so mean to him, so horrible! How could I be so cruel when he... He knew me." It killed Buffy deeply. He knew, even now, dead, that she wouldn't let herself cry. That she'd feel like she had to be strong for everyone else. He knew and yet she was always so cold to him.

"Buffy, it's okay." Angel tried to say, but Buffy shook her head violently now.

"No! It's not. It's not okay. He's dead! Dead..." Buffy looked left and then right and then with the speed of a slayer, she took off. She couldn't stay still anymore, she had to get away. She had to run, run away from everything. The pain, the shame, oh the shame, it killed her.

"Buffy, wait!" Angel let out, but Buffy didn't stop.

She didn't stop until she reached a cemetery. It was unfamiliar. All the names on the gravestones were names she'd never heard of, she'd have to get used to it though, wouldn't she?

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that little girls should stay inside at night?" The deep voice of a man sounded behind her. Buffy whirled around to stare at the tall figure. His face was marred, contorted. He was a vampire.

"And didn't your mother ever tell you that vampires should stay in when the slayers in town?" She asked before throwing a roundhouse kick at his face. The vampire was thrown back a couple feet as he stared at her in shock.

"No, the slayer died in Sunnydale, didn't she?" The vampire questioned like an idiot. Buffy opened her mouth and then closed it.

"You know, I really don't have time for this." She said before pulling a stake from her boot, she always kept one close. It was over in a few seconds, the vampire didn't even seem to see it coming.

Maybe the Cleveland vampires were rusty, not having a slayer to beat them down for all this time. If Buffy were in a better mood, perhaps she would have laughed, but when was she ever in a good mood now and days? Now there would be a whole slew of slayers in town. Buffy almost felt bad for the vampires, but she didn't really. She didn't, but at the same time, it made her heart twinge. Spike was evil when she first met him, and now her heart ached. Who knew? All these vampires, they used to be people and under the right circumstances, some of them could be different. Then again, she wasn't up to a task like that, was she?