So, thanks to someone on tumblr bringing up the idea of a Howl's Moving Castle Batjokes au, the idea has taken over my life and I've had no choice but to write this silly thing for it. I'm going by the book rather than the movie for this one and, for those who've never seen or read it, PLEASE DO honestly, it's one of my favourite stories and I can't recommend it enough.

In this Joker takes the place of Wizard Howl, Bruce is Sophie Hatter and Harley is Michael (or Markl as he's known in the movie). Calcifer I have some ideas on but haven't bothered going into them for this one shot and the curse put on Bruce turns him into some kinda were-bat, rather than making him old, because I thought it'd keep the batman theme going and cos I love monster!Bruce and haven't written about him yet :D

(I haven't edited this too well cos I can't be assed so feel free to point out any mistakes)


There were many occasions over the past few months that Bruce wondered why he'd ever chosen to throw his lot in with Wizard Howl. And this time was no different.

At first, when an almighty slam followed by several crashes met his ears, Bruce thought someone was trying to break in. But, racing to the stairs, what he found was the wizard himself on all fours, furiously shushing the door as if the ruckus was entirely its fault.

Bruce relaxed and rolled his eyes with a sigh that was relieved and exasperated in equal measure. So, not a burglar, just an extremely drunk Howl. He thought he might have preferred the former. Would've probably been easier to deal with.

Bruce was tempted to go back to his room and leave Howl - or Jay as he preferred to be known - to it, but considering how much noise he was still making just by trying to stand up, Bruce decided to help. Harley had a big proposal planned in the morning for the florist's apprentice, Ivy and nodding off halfway through it probably wouldn't go down very well.

Jay was halfway upright when he saw Bruce approach and his face brightened immediately, offering one of those smiles that always made Bruce's stomach do strange - but not entirely unpleasant - things.

"Hi!" Jay said before wincing and repeating it in a whisper. "Apologies for the noise. The, um, what'sit," he clicked his fingers. " Doorknob and I had a little disagreement."

He reached behind him to pat the door and missed, almost falling over again.

"Those hinges are awfully loud as well, don't you think?"

Bruce nodded. "Yeah, almost as loud as a very drunk man falling through a door."

Only just fully upright and leaning heavily against the wall, Jay actually tried to look offended. "I do hope you're not referring to me, dear Brucie," he said, sounding surprisingly eloquent despite the slurring of his words. "I think you'll find I am cone sold stober!"

A snort came from the fireplace and Jay glared in its direction, licking the pad of his thumb and pressing it against his forefinger. "I'll snuff you out for good," he hissed.

"I'd like to see you try," the fire demon replied. "You wouldn't even make it halfway here."

Taking the challenge, Jay pushed himself away from the wall and nearly fell flat on his face before Bruce caught him by the waist.

"Alright, alright," Bruce said as he steered Jay back towards the stairs. "That's enough."

"Yes, Jay , that's enough."

Bruce threw a warning glance at the fire demon, who poked out its tongue before gobbling up a log of wood. The relationship between Jay and the demon was an odd, tempestuous thing, but, despite having lived in the castle for months, Bruce was no closer to understanding it than when he'd first arrived. And it was far too late, or early if the pale yellow light creeping over the horizon was anything to go by, to think about right then.

Slinging Jay's arm over his shoulders and readjusting his grip on Jay's waist, Bruce began the difficult task of helping the inebriated wizard climb the stairs. Jay sang softly as he went, the tune and words unintelligible, but Bruce was sure he heard the word saucepan in there somewhere. He still hadn't asked what the fire demon's silly song was all about but it'd apparently taught it to Jay - or perhaps Jay had taught it to the demon.

As they passed Harley's room, Jay's singing grew louder and when Bruce shushed him, he shushed Bruce loudly in return before bursting into giggles. Bruce rolled his eyes and said nothing and tried to ignore how tightly the wizard was pressing up against him as he opened the bedroom door.

Bruce hadn't dared venture inside the room since his last attempt at cleaning it, which had resulted in a hair dye mishap and a tantrum unlike any Bruce had ever seen. He didn't know if all wizards could emit slime from their own bodies but he had no intention of ever finding out. But leading Jay inside, he discovered it wasn't quite as awful as expected, although Bruce still had to kick half a closet's worth of clothing, as well as several items he was too afraid to identify, out of the way before he could help Jay over to the bed. Sitting him on the edge, Bruce was ready to once again leave Jay to it until he saw how much trouble he was having with his boots. Another sigh and Bruce kneeled in front of him, swatting his hands away from the laces to take over.

"Much obliged, darling," Jay murmured, patting the top of Bruce's head. And Bruce had to wonder how he could use a word like obliged when he struggled to even walk.

The hands settled on Bruce's head as he removed the first boot before sliding into his hair, and the bow Bruce had been in the process of untying became a tangled knot. The fingers started smoothing through the strands with surprising care over and over, which was very, very distracting…

But Bruce didn't ask him to stop.

"You have lovely hair," Jay muttered absently. "How is it so lovely? I'm close to becoming jealous."

Bruce might have told him that a lifetime of not subjecting it to every chemical known to man probably helped but couldn't quite get his tongue to cooperate, so kept quiet and finished removing the second boot. He was about to scan the room for a spot that'd keep the shoes well out of tripping range when Jay's hands slid out of his hair, coming down to cup his face and tilt it upwards. Their eyes met, icy blue to marble green and when Jay brought their faces close enough for their foreheads to meet, Bruce's pulse started to race.

"Bruce," Jay said in a voice as soft as the hands holding his jaw. His brows were drawn together in a gentle frown and he seemed to be trying very hard to focus. Bruce could smell the alcohol on his breath but even that wasn't enough to make him pull away.

Jay's focus increased even more and it was a very long and intense moment before he spoke again.

"I'm drunk," he declared and didn't sound too happy about it.

"What gave it away?" Bruce laughed, and Jay laughed too, lurching forward as gravity suddenly got the better of him, forcing his hands to hold Bruce's shoulders as Bruce held him steady by the waist.

"But," Jay continued, serious again (which Bruce was grateful for because he couldn't have withstood that damn smile much longer). He held a finger up which swayed a little from side to side. "I'm gonna get this curse off you, don't you worry."

He gently patted Bruce's cheek as Bruce froze in place.

Jay smiled again and tapped his temple - or tried to. It took a few tries for him to actually find it - and said, "Wizard, remember," as if able to read the question in Bruce's face.

When Bruce found the ability to speak again, he wetted his suddenly bone dry lips and asked, "How...how long have you known?"

"Long enough to have tried every spell I know without success," Jay sighed. "I'm beginning to think you like being a giant werebat."

Bruce ducked his head, shoulders drooping in shame. He thought he'd been so careful. He always left the castle at the first sign of the change coming on, running far into the waste to avoid coming across other people (he'd never forgive himself if he hurt anyone). But the wizard, and everyone else in the house it seemed, already knew and had done for months, and had most likely been talking about him behind his back the entire time. Bruce knew it was his own fault for thinking he'd be able to hide something like this from someone like Jay because, for all his narcissistic self-absorption, he was alarmingly perceptive - and that only made Bruce feel even more foolish.

It must have all been written clearly on Bruce's face because Jay brought their foreheads together again, lacing his fingers together at the nape of Bruce's neck as if to hold him in place.

"Come, now, no brooding. You know how I hate it."

But Bruce wasn't listening, too embarrassed now by the pity he saw in Jay's gaze, and wanted nothing more than to leave the castle and never come back. And as the shame grew a dull ache began in the back of Bruce's skull. It spread slowly but steadily to every part of his body, followed by heat that warmed by the second and Bruce knew he had to leave before something awful happened.

Scrambling away from the bed, he ran for the door, ignoring the cries of his name that came from behind, rushing down the stairs and out the door as fast as he possibly could. The change, once it fully took hold, progressed fast and even as he ran he could feel his body changing, limbs growing longer and thinner, bones breaking and fusing together, causing wave after wave of agony. But Bruce didn't stop. He pushed through the pain as he raced through the grass to get away, far, far away from everyone and everything.

About a mile from the castle, he had to stop as the pain got too much and he curled in on himself to let the last stage of transformation take place. His skin turned from red to purple to blue to black, hair sprouting all over his body as long leathery wings grew from his back and arms. And the last human sound he made was a scream that echoed into the dawn before choking into silence.

He laid there for a very long time, heaving and panting as his body and senses acclimated to the change and that was when he heard the sound - grass rustling a few feet away. His head shot up and, with eyes that bathed everything in shades of blue and green, saw a figure approaching, crouching lower with every step it took.

Bruce knew the figure, recognised the shape and smell, but couldn't give it a name, the human and monster sides of his brain fighting one another for control. He wanted to back away but was too exhausted to move and snarled as a warning, but it went unheeded, the figure dropping onto hands and knees to crawl ever nearer.

When it was close enough, the figure reached out and other smells hit, smells that didn't belong, sweet and artificial and, had it been anybody else, Bruce would have attacked. But this one...he knew this one, knew it was safe and let the hand gently touch his nose before slowly and carefully sliding up into the fine hair covering his head.

"Bruce," the figure said, eyes of marble green looking deep into his. And hearing something in that voice which spoke to something deep inside of him, Bruce let out a snuffling sound, soft and sad.

"Shh, shh, shh," the figure cooed, settling in front of Bruce and bringing its other hand up to cradle his face. "It's alright. We'll have you right before you know it."

Bruce's face moved from side to side, as if to disagree and the figure leaned in to rest their heads together. And as more sad snuffles and gentle whines fell from Bruce's lips, he was held close, both of them sitting in the long grass together, letting the sun rise around them.

How long they were there, Bruce couldn't say but the sun was high when he felt the first stirrings of humanity calling him back. The figure that hadn't yet let go held Bruce tight as he wept and screamed his way through the change, until finally he was himself once more.

Bruce couldn't bring himself to look at Jay, so it was up to the wizard to once again tip Bruce's face up to his. He didn't say anything, didn't need to and when their lips came together in a soft and reassuring kiss, Bruce thought he might weep all over again.

But he didn't have chance because Jay pulled away and, looking significantly more sober than he'd been when Bruce ran out, offered a small smile.

"I dunno about you, but I could murder some breakfast."

It was the last thing Bruce had expected to hear and didn't know what else to do besides laugh and nod. He felt awful, head thumping as if he'd been drinking all night, too and, when Jay stood, Bruce followed.

As they walked, Jay stripped off his shirt and handed it to Bruce.

"Luckily for you, I like oversized shirts."

Bruce accepted it gratefully, having no idea where his own clothes were. Not that they'd be wearable even if he found them. But it was alarming to see just how skinny Jay really was, ribs strikingly prominent under his pale skin. Bruce didn't let his eyes linger for too long.

"It's a good thing you ran out this door and not one of the others," Jay remarked, sounding much more like himself - even if he didn't look it - as his voice dropped to a dramatic stage whisper. "Imagine the gossip!"

Despite himself, Bruce laughed a second time and, by the time they reached the castle, even with the prospect of stepping inside in nothing but Jay's ridiculously flouncy shirt, the despair he'd felt when he left was almost entirely gone.

"Calcifer!" Jay called as they entered. "Bend your head, I'm in a mood for bacon and eggs."