Title: Death to all the Mary Sues!!!

Summary: Various relatives of Naruto characters are Mary Sues. They all somehow suffer a tragic fate. Characters act out of the character.

1. Naruto's Long Lost Sister

(I don't know if this should be called Yondaime's Long Lost Daughter, but Naruto is the main character.)

Naruto skipped happily across a field of pink flowers, all the while hugging a teddy bear with a shiny ribbon around its neck. The world was such a bright, happy place!

Three feet away, his teammate glared silently at the skipping boy. His hatred in his black eyes doubled every millisecond, and his mind thought up of various bloody, gory incidents that might "accidentally" happen to Naruto. The world was such a dark, gloomy place.

Naruto and Sasuke's last teammate, Sakura Haruno was busy reading a book. It was quite the interesting read that Tsunade had lent her. The world was such an intellectual, logical place.

Their sensei, Kakashi, was nearby also reading. But not a book on human psychology, like Sakura, but a rather "voyeuristic and insightful" book that "deepens understanding of youth." The world was so…full of girls.

Suddenly, a kunai flew out of nowhere and lodged itself at a nearby tree. Naruto yelped. Sasuke screamed. Sakura shouted. Kakashi picked his nose. (How could Kakashi pick his nose with his mask on? Simple, he just put his finger inside the mask.)

A nearby shadow flitted across.

"Who's that!" Naruto screeched and ran in a circle.

"Naruto, I am your sister."

"Wait, what?"

A girl appeared out of the shadows (Why are they're shadows when it was a bright, happy skippy field? It's complicated.). She smiled flirtatiously, tossed her hair, looked around, and announced, "I am Uzumaki Britney! Daughter of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina!"

She was around seventeen or eighteen, had the average Mary Sue hourglass figure, cerulean blue eyes, shiny, ripply, waist length blond hair, and was wearing a blue tank top with strategically place sequins and lace.

"Wait, what?" Naruto repeated. He scratched his head.

Britney smiled and talked in a mature, understanding voice. "You see, my dearest little brother, I had a most tragic and dark past. You see, after our parents died, the residents of the village love of me turned into hatred and I was forced to leave in sadness and anguish. But I have now returned to reclaim my rightful place as the Hokage's daughter!"

Kakashi waved. "Hi, Britney! I forgot about you after you left! Everyone else did, too."

Britney sighed. "That is all right. I appreciate the fact that you recognized me."

Naruto scratched his head. "Who are my parents?"

"Oh dammit." Kakashi said. He couldn't let Naruto find out about his parents! He had to kill the girl to keep her quiet. Right, right?

Sasuke grunted. Sakura ignored her.

Kakashi and Britney engaged in a long, two-hour epic battle. By the time it was over, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were all on lawn chairs and drinking lemondane, which is a new type of lemonade, except it's orange and sparklier.

Britney laughed. "I was toying you the whole time, Kakashi Hatake! You can never kill me, for I am so utterly powerful that I will never be beaten!"

Suddenly, an ant came up and bit Britney on the heel of her foot. She screamed, fell down, and died.

Everyone else drank lemondane.

Short and easy. I am not neglecting my "WHAT! Itachi tells stories!" story, so don't worry. If you like this, please review.