Inspired by the Elder Scrolls Kink Meme. Go look!


The Dragonborn was widely-known for being a sensible sort. There was nothing wild or crazy about her, apart from her job of dragon-slaying, and even that was done in an eminently practical fashion. Her armour always matched, her hair was always pulled back neatly and she always tidied her brain neatly at night; folding away all the useless and crazy thoughts that only served to distract her so that she needn't think them.

On top of that, the Dragonborn, was rarely flummoxed. Ah, but this was one such rare occasion.

She stared at her housecarl in her typical school-masterly fashion. "Lydia." she said, and the woman had the sense to look suitably cowed.

"Yes, my thane?" was the reply.

"What is this?" she asked, sharply, and nodded her head in the direction of the Breezhome living area. She would have stepped inside the house, it being practical to get out of the rain, but as it was there was no room.

A moment of hesitation, where her housecarl weighed out her answer, carefully. Aewyn fought the urge to sigh despondently, if Lydia paused before she spoke it was almost certainly going to be a stupid answer.

"Cabbages, my thane," her housecarl replied, at last.

Cabbalanche! Something inside Aewyn declared, a manic, laughing version of her inner voice that scared her. She stopped feeling scared quickly of course, for fear was a silly emotion. Never let it be said that the Dragonborn was silly. Yes, she pushed the word away firmly, trying not to wonder where such a notion came from and fixed a haughty, disappointed look on her housecarl. It was a look that only an Altmer, such as herself, could pull off and screamed maturity.

"I know that," she enunciated. "I know what cabbages look like, and these are most definitely cabbages..." Her eyes swiveled disapprovingly over the scene once more, just to check that it was real. Of course it was real. The Dragonborn did not imagine things. If she were to imagine things, then she would be distracted. If she was distracted and a dragon flew past, then all sorts of nasty situations could arise! No, the cabbages were definitely there.

"What I want to know is why so many cabbages exist at one point," she continued. "And why they are here, cluttering up my home."

"...my thane?

Divines give her strength.

"Well?" Aewyn asked, her frown deepening. The sight of so many cabbages unnerved her immensely; cabbages roasting on the fire, cabbages in the cooking pot, on the table, on the stairs. Hundreds of them, hundreds and hundreds (and mind that the Dragonborn was not the sort of mer who exaggerated) everywhere. Cabbages spilled out onto the road, much to the confusion of passer-bys.

"Did you buy them? Is this meant to be a joke? Lydia, you know I'm not the sort that likes jokes."

"I know you don't like jokes, my Thane," Lydia replied, soothingly. "I didn't buy the cabbages. Where would I have gotten so many cabbages from?"

Lydia was right, thought Aewyn. It was stupid of her to think that Lydia had brought them all into the house. What an impractical thought for her to think!

"Well someone must have brought them here," Aewyn remarked, severely. "Cabbages do not simply appear out of nowhere."

A cabbage rolled down the stairs that led to the bedroom and crashed into the other vegetables angrily, as if protesting her point. Aewyn ignored it. One did not listen to the complaints of cabbages, unless one was insane.

"No, my thane," said Lydia. "Cabbages do not appear out of nowhere."

"Certainly not," Aewyn continued. "If cabbages thought they could appear in the world willy-nilly, where would we be then?"

"...where, my thane?"

"In a right pickle, Lydia," Aewyn replied as if it was an obvious answer.

"That's a lot of cabbages," someone called out behind them. A Whiterun guard in the plain yellow colours of the hold uniform. He wandered up to Breezhome, absent-mindedly and toed one with his foot. "I've never seen so many in one place before."

"No," said Lydia.

"Dragonborn? Why do you have so many cabbages?" said the guard, in a friendly, curious manner. Aewyn shot him a look full of deepest sensibility.

"One can plainly see," she said. "That these are not my cabbages."

"Well," said the guard, uncomfortable beneath her piercing gaze. "Whose cabbages are they?"

"I don't know," Aewyn seethed back, hating those three little words. I don't know were not words she said often. There were reasons and logic for everything in the world, and Aewyn understood the patterns that held together Nirn quite perfectly. Even magic could be explained, for Mara's sake.

The cabbages that had spilled out into the street were kicked back into the house. Evidently they could not sleep there tonight, and it would only be practical to rent a room at the Bannered Mare, instead.
She kicked the last green cabbage inside particularly hard, to get out her frustration, and slammed the door shut before they could fall out again.

She thought she heard a cry of pain, but dismissed it when she could find no source for the noise.

"We shall give the cabbages to the hungry," Aewyn said as a final thought on the matter. The guard offered to get on it right away, eager to help out the Dragonborn, and Aewyn readily accepted. "Problem solved."

"Generous of you, my thane."

"To the Bannered Mare then, Lydia," she said. "Dinner and bed. Forget about this madness for the moment," even though such an irregularity would keep her up half the night, she knew.

"What will you want to eat, my Thane?" said Lydia.

"Anything," said Aewyn, but then she stopped, quite suddenly. "Except for cabbages, Lydia. We've had quite enough of those, for today."


In the Shivering Isle, the madgod's mad howls could be heard above all others.

"WHAT?" Sheograth roared, all righteous anger and uproar. "How can she nae like cabbages?"

"It's unthinkable, my lord," Haskill replied in careful tones. "Perhaps too many cabbages spoil the broth."

"Broth, Haskill? What broth?" The madgod demanded, loudly. "I didn't send the lass broth, I sent her cabbages, do keep up!"

"Right you are, my lord."

"Did you see it Haskill?" the Prince continued, angrily. "She kicked them! My cabbages! My green, cabbage heart, she kicked into her house like it was the back-end of a particularly outspoken Argonian!"

"Perhaps, you should try something else, my lord," Haskill suggested gently, knowing better than to attempt to dissuade the Prince completely. The madgod was never one to be dissuaded in any situation, in fact such dissuasions only served to encourage him. As always, Haskill endeavoured to compromise.

"I shall fishstick for a moment or two," he said. "Or five... no! Make it thirty moments, and then Bob's your aunt. Not your aunt Haskill, my aunt! Everyone's aunt, you understand..." Sheograth settled down to fishstick and closed his mad, mad eyes. "She was right to kick my cabbages," he murmured to himself, fervently. "Cabbages! What an insane idea!" And then he laughed as if to demonstrate the insanity of it.

Haskill felt sorry for the Dragonborn. The last few maidens to catch the madgod's eyes hadn't survived. He left his master to fish-stick, and hoped hopelessly, that the next idea mightn't be quite so crazy.


And well, that's the first chapter. I hope you enjoyed it, and reviews would be appreciated. (I mean look how easy it is to review now! *puppy dog eyes*).

Have a splendid day :)