Kilgharrah took off, leaving the young warlock alone on the shore. Alone with his grief, alone with his failure, and his remorse. Merlin stood there, motionless, staring blankly at the lake of Avalon. His heart was pounding hard against his chest, his hands were trembling feverishly. He forced himself to stop thinking, thinking was too painful. The paths where his thoughts were taking him didn't matter, in the end they were all leading to something too unbearable. Even breathing was too hard, the weight of guilt crushed his chest, encumbered his lungs.

Despite his efforts, the same thoughts were turning over and over in his mind. He had failed, he was there, alive, while the person embodying his destiny and purpose in life was resting on the ground.

Arthur would not breath anymore, he would not throw random objects at him, would not call him an idiot, would not drag him to hunt...He would not make him so proud anymore by acting as the great king he was suppose to be, the great king he ceased to be too soon and he left too soon because of him, him and his inability to make decisions, his pretention to think he could change people and because of his fear of confessing his secret, his secret kept for so long that in the end he barely could have enjoyed the fact that Arthur would maybe accept him, that in the end he would forgive him his lies.

« I want you to always be you »

Those words were as unexpected as they were heart warming. Arthur didn't hate him, he still hated magic but he loved him enough to start forgiving him. There were so much he wanted to tell him, so much…But now everything was over…

Long after the shape of the great dragon has disappeared in the distance, long after it started to rain, even long after the sun has risen, the young wizard had not moved.

It was as if the world was frozen, as if nothing could make any sense and would not make any sense anymore. Everything seemed absurd, from the warmth of the first ray of sun to the drops of rain that dripped down his face. The birds awakening, the wind ruffling his hair, the light sound from the water…He could not feel anything; he had no awareness of the world around him. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing was stronger than the flow of his thoughts that did not stop, who turned and turned and were like thousands of dagger piercing his skull. Every single thought was too painful. Every single memory was aching.

"Thank you" Arthur's last words were still echoing painfully. He didn't deserve them, did he? Right now he was not thinking so.

And he stood there soaked to the bone, his eyes reddened after having cried his heart out for hours. Stifled by despair, he refused to imagine the future, a future without Arthur, a meaningless future, a future where he should return to Camelot, and say to the queen that Camelot was deprived of its king by his fault, that her husband would not return. He failed his destiny and Gwen would have to govern alone. He would have to wake up day after day, each time less alive than before. Because there was no way he could survive this. This was too much.The remorse overwhelmed him a little more each second. How many people has he failed to protect? How many were dead because of his mistakes? How much was sacrificed to allow him to change fate, how many times was he warned and yet ... yet in the end he failed and now…now he didn't have anything to make him go on.

Shaking with sobs, he laid his eyes on the body at his feet for the first time in hours. Another wave of remorse took him by the throat.

He bent down slowly, put one knee on the ground and lifted the head of his king on his lap.

"Arthur" he whispered "I'm so sorry."

His eyes set upon the boat still ready to go, waiting for them. After a few seconds, without thinking of what he was doing, he put one of Arthur's arm around his own shoulders and he began to lift the body. Using all his strength, he dragged him more than he was lifting him. The chain mail, the fact that they were both soaked by the rain, and the lack of sleep were making of that short distance an ordeal.

"Its gonna be ok" he murmured in a faint but determined voice.

He stopped short of breath, and began to put his king on the boat.

"Do you hear me? Its gonna be ok "