Legolas' guide to being an elf! (Or somewhere near there)
Disclaimer: I do not own Leggy nor LOTR.Awww.
Anime_rulez: All of these are written by leggy.so, don't come after me, and all of these are written as tough it is like modern times in our world in Middle Earth (minus all of the concrete jungle. :P).
Legolas: Enjoy! ^____^
Nov 30:Just edited the fic, if there are any more mistakes, tell me. My English is pretty horrible. Also, I will try my best not to make the elves sound too vain. But hey, it's for the humor. If you have any ideas, e-mail me. Please tell me how you bold the words for uploading.
This guide is for anyone who fancies to look like me, be like me, or is trying to get someone to be like me. However, people who are as follow: 1) Hobbits (cause too short) 2) Dwarf (same as above, too cranky and too much beard) 3) Orcs (or any close relations, cause too ugly) Give up hope. If you are really desperate, A) kill yourself, B) get killed, and reincarnate. I rather you stick with choice A because if you have this problem, you may find yourself losing too much limbs to ever make a safe trip to the next life, if there is any for you.
Lesson 1: Your looks
To be an elf, you have to have that dead-gorgeous look. Try to look into the mirror, if you don't puke at your reflection, that's only the beginning (you have to be terribly ugly to achieve that kind of effect). However, that is only your opinion. Try what you think is your most attractive pose on the pizza guy, if he converts from being straight to a gay, wow, you have succeeded! If you don't succeed, never mind. That's why this guide is here for!
To convert to being good looking, you have to be filthy rich. How then can you pay for the bills for your plastic surgery and cosmetics?
To be filthy rich, you can try to kidnap the royalty. Aragorn would be a great target, or you can try Arwen. I'm sure she is able to fetch a sum, especially from the King, who is filthy rich (duh, he's the king). Or any other royalty will suffice.
Firstly, before attempting to even think of touching a hair on their body, you need to get yourself acquainted at the palace. This is especially important as you have to make your escape as quickly as possible. It would even be better if you can learn a skill or two in fending off guards and the King himself (if you chose Arwen) if you were ever to be caught. Try getting to be an assistant to any wizard, they have skills that are very useful, just don't call them old man every second of their lives or you may be turned into something 'unnatural'. Better still, get close to them so that you can save the trouble of having to escape. Just drop some of those herbs that make anyone sleep into their drinks. If you can't find any, ask from Sam Gamgee of the Shire.
Having reached your goal of having kidnap whoever you've chosen, hide quickly. It would be best to hide somewhere near. As they say, "the most dangerous place is the safest place" (then why hadn't the idiot guards found Frodo and Sam hiding under the boulder-like cloak when Sam had fallen in TTT when I spotted them the first time I had watched the movie). Next would be the ransom. Just name whatever sum you want. It would be best to name as much zeros as you can. When it is time to collect it, act like you are not involved and grab the money at a suited time. Do what ever you like to the hostage, it's not my problem.
Now that you have been filthy rich using the idea above or any other ideas (for yugioh fans out there, you can try the Bakura Book of Threats and More! by Jessica Messenger of the Devil), you start your plastic surgery thingy. You should be able to have the look others who could only dream of (if you don't, sue the surgeon). Now, you are one step closer to becoming an elf!
Note: The idea above is to be done at your own risk. Any damage to your body or your life is not our responsibility. Anyway, if you have to succumb to using such an idea, just remember to revert to being kind because you may become an orc instead by the time you reach the end of this guide. I rather you stick with the honest way of earning money, no matter how long it takes.
Legolas: I'm so happy with my masterpiece.
Anime_rulez: So that's how you got your looks.
Legolas: Course not. All of my wonderful features are natural born!
Anime_rulez: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Legolas: Review please. I will answer any questions.:P
Disclaimer: I do not own Leggy nor LOTR.Awww.
Anime_rulez: All of these are written by leggy.so, don't come after me, and all of these are written as tough it is like modern times in our world in Middle Earth (minus all of the concrete jungle. :P).
Legolas: Enjoy! ^____^
Nov 30:Just edited the fic, if there are any more mistakes, tell me. My English is pretty horrible. Also, I will try my best not to make the elves sound too vain. But hey, it's for the humor. If you have any ideas, e-mail me. Please tell me how you bold the words for uploading.
This guide is for anyone who fancies to look like me, be like me, or is trying to get someone to be like me. However, people who are as follow: 1) Hobbits (cause too short) 2) Dwarf (same as above, too cranky and too much beard) 3) Orcs (or any close relations, cause too ugly) Give up hope. If you are really desperate, A) kill yourself, B) get killed, and reincarnate. I rather you stick with choice A because if you have this problem, you may find yourself losing too much limbs to ever make a safe trip to the next life, if there is any for you.
Lesson 1: Your looks
To be an elf, you have to have that dead-gorgeous look. Try to look into the mirror, if you don't puke at your reflection, that's only the beginning (you have to be terribly ugly to achieve that kind of effect). However, that is only your opinion. Try what you think is your most attractive pose on the pizza guy, if he converts from being straight to a gay, wow, you have succeeded! If you don't succeed, never mind. That's why this guide is here for!
To convert to being good looking, you have to be filthy rich. How then can you pay for the bills for your plastic surgery and cosmetics?
To be filthy rich, you can try to kidnap the royalty. Aragorn would be a great target, or you can try Arwen. I'm sure she is able to fetch a sum, especially from the King, who is filthy rich (duh, he's the king). Or any other royalty will suffice.
Firstly, before attempting to even think of touching a hair on their body, you need to get yourself acquainted at the palace. This is especially important as you have to make your escape as quickly as possible. It would even be better if you can learn a skill or two in fending off guards and the King himself (if you chose Arwen) if you were ever to be caught. Try getting to be an assistant to any wizard, they have skills that are very useful, just don't call them old man every second of their lives or you may be turned into something 'unnatural'. Better still, get close to them so that you can save the trouble of having to escape. Just drop some of those herbs that make anyone sleep into their drinks. If you can't find any, ask from Sam Gamgee of the Shire.
Having reached your goal of having kidnap whoever you've chosen, hide quickly. It would be best to hide somewhere near. As they say, "the most dangerous place is the safest place" (then why hadn't the idiot guards found Frodo and Sam hiding under the boulder-like cloak when Sam had fallen in TTT when I spotted them the first time I had watched the movie). Next would be the ransom. Just name whatever sum you want. It would be best to name as much zeros as you can. When it is time to collect it, act like you are not involved and grab the money at a suited time. Do what ever you like to the hostage, it's not my problem.
Now that you have been filthy rich using the idea above or any other ideas (for yugioh fans out there, you can try the Bakura Book of Threats and More! by Jessica Messenger of the Devil), you start your plastic surgery thingy. You should be able to have the look others who could only dream of (if you don't, sue the surgeon). Now, you are one step closer to becoming an elf!
Note: The idea above is to be done at your own risk. Any damage to your body or your life is not our responsibility. Anyway, if you have to succumb to using such an idea, just remember to revert to being kind because you may become an orc instead by the time you reach the end of this guide. I rather you stick with the honest way of earning money, no matter how long it takes.
Legolas: I'm so happy with my masterpiece.
Anime_rulez: So that's how you got your looks.
Legolas: Course not. All of my wonderful features are natural born!
Anime_rulez: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Legolas: Review please. I will answer any questions.:P
