A Goodbye To My Wolf

Pairing : Jacob/Bella

Rating : M - warning – there be lemons here!

Stephanie Meyer owns all.

A/N : I received a few requests for more citrus-based stories, but I am busy with Branded and r/l. But I do have a bunch of older stories sitting on my hard drive with different pairings (Edward/OC, Edward/Bella, Bella/Jacob, Bella /Paul, and a few others). Here is one of my oldest, my first Bella/Jacob story, very lemony, but also loving and a bit angtsy. Yes, it's been done before, in many different ways, but so what! :)

Prelude:

Its five days before Bella's wedding, and Edward has gone on an overnight hunting trip with his brothers. Bella is accompanying Charlie to the reservation, where she and Emily are cooking a feast for the boys in the Pack. Bella will say her farewells to Emily and thank Sam and the Pack for all their help.


Chapter 1

BPOV

"Bells? You coming?" I heard Charlie shout from outside.

I hustled the containers with the pies and cakes I had baked for the Pack into a neat pile, carrying them carefully out of the house. Charlie saw me struggling with the over-sized bundle, and helped me get the four foil trays settled in the backseat of the cruiser.

It was a beautiful, sunny day, and Edward had gone hunting with his family. Alice knew I was taking the trip to La Push with Charlie, so there would be no freak-outs when my future suddenly vanished from her sight.

I watched the trees roll by as we made our way down route 110, which near town was also called 'La Push Road'. I was thinking how different my life was soon going to become, about the changes I was about to experience. This familiar place - the place I had come to call home - would soon be off-limits to me, as I would be a vampire and party to a treaty-violation. I knew that the Cullen's and I wouldn't return this way for at least fifty years, and that I would probably never set-foot on the reservation again.

The thought not only saddened me, but scared me, and I felt a bubble of fear rising in my throat. I pushed it down savagely.

This had happened a lot to me in the past weeks. Once the constant threat of looming death at the hands' of crazed vampires was finished, I found myself able to think about my choices more carefully. And some of the thoughts made me uneasy.

When I was with Edward, there was never any doubt. It all just felt right. But when Alice took me away for wedding planning, or he spent time with his brothers hunting, I would start to really think about what I was giving-up. These thoughts were not enough to change my mind - not by any means - but it did make me more appreciative of what I had now, and made me regret the things I would never get to do again.

As we turned off of the 110, which continued due west, we followed the twisty La Push road onto the reservation until we reached Quileute Heights road, which led to Sam's house. As we drove by the familiar street that had become almost a second home to me last year, I choked back a sob when we passed by the turnoff to Jacob's house, and I could just make out the top of his rusty-red garage through the trees.

I missed Jacob terribly.


The afternoon was, I thought, a success. After Charlie dropped me at Sam's, before heading off to fish with Billy, Emily and I had taken out the containers from the cruiser, and added them to the large assortment of breads and cheeses she had put out onto her large wooden table.

I joined her at the stove, and we cooked happily for the next two hours, preparing pastas and meats for the Pack.

We were giving the boys a hearty thank-you feast, in appreciation of their work and sacrifice.

It was a fun-filled meal with my friends, and except for some light teasing about my upcoming nuptials, no one mentioned what was certainly a controversial topic over here: my eventual transformation. I was grateful that everyone kept that sensitive subject quiet.

After all, I sometimes needed normal in my life.

I was sitting at the table, laughing with Emily over the latest pack story, as the boys were helping themselves to second and third helpings of the three layer cake and apple pies I had baked. Suddenly, conversation came to a dead stop, and I looked-up in confusion at Emily's face, and saw that she and everyone else at the table were looking at the door behind me with wide eyes.

I turned, and there, standing in the doorway with nothing but a pair of tattered shorts, was Jacob. I gasped out his name, pushing myself up from the table and crossing the room to him without even telling my feet to do so. And then he wrapped me up in his arms, crushing me to his enormous frame, and I cried out my relief at having him home.

We were soon surrounded by a welcoming and warm press of bodies, as everyone expressed their happiness at Jacob's return. There were jokes made, and some good-natured arm-punching, but Jacob never let me go, holding me close to his side. And I wasn't in any rush to leave his arms.


We spent about thirty minutes chatting with the pack, before Jacob stood and held out his hand. "Bella, come for a walk on the beach with me?"

I smiled at him, taking his hand. I turned, and said my goodbyes to everyone, and was met with smiling faces from almost everyone except for some of the younger members who didn't really know me well. I was sad, knowing that maybe I would never see them all together again, but this was muted by the happiness at having Jacob back.

As we walked outside, Jacob scooped up an old blanket from the front porch, never breaking his stride as we walked together to our spot on the beach, making mostly small talk about what I had been up-to over the past month. Gossip about Renee, and dress fittings, and my last day of work at Newton's.

He laughed when he asked me about Mike's reaction to quitting my job, chuckled quietly at some of the stories about my mom, and nodded slowly at any mention of wedding related news.

In turn, I asked him about what he had been doing, but he wasn't very clear on details. He said only that he had 'gone wolf' and that he let his instincts carry him wherever the mood would take him.

After a few minutes, we reached our tree. It was late afternoon, and the air was dry. The sun had gone behind some clouds, and the beach was mostly deserted. A few younger kids were playing down at the far end, but soon walked off with their parents and disappeared; leaving us the only people I could see.

We sat down together, our bare knees touching, and Jacob took my hand, and stared out over the ocean with a pensive look. His hair had grown longer in the last month, and was shaggy and almost reached his chin. He had beard stubble and circles under his eyes, and looked tired and worn-out.

But he was still beautiful to me. His russet colored skin shone in the afternoon light, his muscles rippling with every slight movement. He held my hand with a kind of quiet desperation, and I hated seeing him vulnerable and sad like this.

"Jake...," I started, not sure what I wanted to say. "Are you...are you OK?" I finally asked, my voice quavering with my uncertainty.

He didn't answer me at first, just continued to stare out at the water. Maybe a minute passed, before he turned to me, and a small grin played at the corner of his mouth. "I think I will be, Bella," he finally said, his dark eyes trapping me in their depths. "I told you when I saw you last, that I could let you go. And I almost have, though it's been hard. But I've had some time to get used to the idea," he said, gripping my hand a little tighter.

I smiled back at him. "I'm glad, Jake. I never, ever, wanted to hurt you."

"I know, Bella. It's like I said, though. I can't fight an eclipse." He gave me his signature smile, toothy and wide, and I felt a happy warmth spread through me.

He looked back at the ocean, his smile fading away slowly. It was like the sun going behind the clouds. I would miss that smile.

"I really have tried, Bella," he said, speaking softly, his thumb slowly caressing the hand he still held. "I almost didn't come back, as it was easier dealing with the pain as a wolf. I couldn't decide if it was worth it, if I should just stay away until you were already gone."

My heart clenched at his confession, feeling immense sadness that he thought he might be better off cutting himself away from his home, his friends, his family...just so he didn't have to face the pain that my choice caused him.

I breathed deeply, putting my other hand on his, gripping him as hard as I could. "I am glad you came back, Jake. I missed you so much, and... well, when I left you that night when you were hurt, I cried for hours, hysterically, and could not stop. Edward was questioning me all morning, asking me if I was sure I made the right choice," I finished in a whisper.

His dark eyes met mine, and I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. Jacob raised his hand, and let his thumb gently wipe away my tear, his lips turned upwards, in what I thought was a wistful smile.

"Bella," he said quietly. "Can I ask you for something?" His voice was small, and uncertain.

"Yes Jacob, what?" I asked, my voice responding to his tone. I wanted to take his pain and uncertainty away.

He looked at me for a long moment, before taking a deep breath. "Can I kiss you? One real kiss that I don't have to force on you or coerce you into giving me? One kiss, that I can remember you for after you're gone?" He was looking at me with desperate eyes, like a condemned man asking for his final request.

I was suddenly uncomfortable, and pulled my hands away from his, doubt and uncertainty clawing at me, and the warmth I had been feeling moments before vanished. In its place was a quiet desperation that surged through me, like a prisoner rattling his cage, demanding to be released.

But this part of me was locked-up, tight, and I pushed her back inside her cell. "Jacob, please, you know I can't. I've chosen, Jacob, and it's Edward," I said to him, not wanting to hurt him but needing him to understand.

But Jacob was undaunted. "I know, Bella. I do get it, I really do. I won't fight for you anymore. I just need closure, need to know what a real kiss from you would have been like." He took my hand again, holding it to his chest. "I want to be able to remember you, Bella, as the first girl I ever loved, and know that I have something of you, to keep with me when I am lonely and want to remember you as you were."

I looked-up into Jacob's deep eyes, searching for …what, exactly I was looking for, I wasn't sure. But what I saw there was that same vulnerability from before, but there was also love there, and light. His beloved eyes – the eyes of My Jacob – stared back at me with nothing but honesty.

This wasn't a trick of his, or a game anymore. I didn't see that same fire of determination I had seen a month earlier when he was trying to get me to admit I loved him and that he was the better choice. This was just an honest request from a sixteen year old boy, asking me to give something of myself to him.

As I looked at his familiar face, smiling softy at me in the lazy afternoon light, I thought about it. Would this be so wrong? If this helped him heal, then should I do it? Or would it make it worse? I wasn't sure. "Jake," I said, moving our still clasped hands down to our knees, "I think if I did this it would make it harder for you. How can I do that knowing that I might cause you more pain?" I implored, trying to pull the truth from him.

He smiled at me, a beautiful, carefree smile, free from stress and worry. "That's my Bells, always worrying about everyone else before herself," he chuckled. "No, Bella. It won't make it harder. Like I said, it will help me hold onto a little piece of you, all for myself, that I can take out and remember sometimes."

His words washed over me, completely disarming me with their honesty and need. I turned my head, looking out over the water, thinking of his request. Could I give this to him? And what about Edward? Wouldn't this be a betrayal of the worst kind? Would he hate me for doing this?

And then I realized that Edward would probably understand. He would be angry, and might want to kill Jacob, but he would forgive me for it; for giving Jacob closure, for letting him have a piece of the human Bella. Edward was getting me for eternity; shouldn't I give Jacob a piece of me to remember if it would help him to move on?

As I sat there, with Jacob's warm hand in mine, I knew I was going to give-in. Butterflies suddenly fluttered in my stomach, and I felt my cheeks heating. I remembered Jacob's last kiss, despite having tried to lock-it up in a drawer inside my heart, and the memory of it was doing strange things to my body.

I turned to face him, slowly moving my face closer to his. His eyes widened momentarily, before a dazzling smile split his face, his white teeth gleaming against the contrast of his tanned skin.

"OK, Jacob," I said, my face close enough to his that my breath washed over his lips. "Kiss me."


A/N – Next Chapter will be RATED M. Fair warning.