Bartimaus and the Fanfic

Chapter One: The Horror Has Been Unleashed!

Bartimaus began browsing the bookshelves in a bored way. Nathanial wanted books, he got books. But Bartimaus wanted to give his Master a shock. A BIG shock. Which one to pick? Finally the djinni's hands rested on something frilly. "What the--!" he muttered, than screamed. "SWEET !#$$!" Bartimuas yelled in Babylonion. The book the djinni was holding (in his Ptolmy form) had Precious Moments stickers on them, was pink, and (much to Bartimuas' disgust) an NC-17 picture of him and some weird girl.

Nathaniel then appeared around the corner. "Well, Bartimaus?" he asked. "Did you get me any…"—his eyes fell on the pink book—"Ooooh, lets get that one!" the magician said maliciously. His "slave" sighed, and bought the book, thinking nasty revenges at the same time. Walking back to the large townhouse in Prague where the two lived together, passersby seemed to realize there was some evil afoot, and began walking at amazing paces. "Well, Nat," Bartimaus grinned half-heartedly, "You're going to regret buying this book, I'm sure of it."

Nathaniel sighed, and relaxed in his lawn chair. "Okay Bartimaus, read." Bartimaus skimmed the first few lines, laughed insanely, and said "Okay. I read a chapter, you read a chapter. How's that?" His master nodded. His djinn servant grinned, and began to read, transforming into a girl in the process:

"The Adventures of Kim and her Hubby"

By

KittysSisswt17

Chapter One

Kim Spell walked along the paved road, humming a sweet little tune. Everyone in town LOVED her, even the really old dudes. The boys picked her up from school every day, and took her to Dairy Queen for some ice cream…and love poems. But she turned them all down, because she wanted one person only. Problem was, he wasn't a person, or even real. His name was Bartimaus, the Sakhr Djinni, N' Gorso the Mighty, and the Serpent of Silver Plumes, and blah blah blah who cares about THAT stuff anyway? The point was, or seemed in the book anyway, that he was hot. Hot enough to touch. She kissed the book every night before she went to bed. She wanted him as her hubby, and that was the greatest of honors.

Suddenly, a car careened right into Kim, and killed her. BUT—it was only the beginning.

"Ooooh…where am I?" Kim said in a maidenly tone of voice. POOF! A airy appeared on her shoulder and said "I shall take you to the wurld of London. There you will meet your hubby, Bartimaus. Sound good, Kim?" The beautiful girl smiled happily, and was whisked away to the land of her dreams. (:Sigh:)

Bartimaus growled at the vile…thing as if it were alive. "I. Am. No ones. 'HUBBY'."

He muttered, loud enough for Nathaniel to hear. The magician signaled for his to carry

on. Bartimaus groaned, and was ready to continue the horror when a portly cook walked

into the room. "F-Farquarl." The cook smiled. "Ah—I take it you're reading a

fanfiction. After you're done that chapter, I shall take your place, and then…this rat." He

pointed at Nathaniel, who shuddered. Bartimuas continued the story with mock-gusto.

"Kim landed in a small circle with funky drawings on it. Where as she? Oh YES! The

Pentancle thingy! On her right, there was the scrawny midget Nathaniel. There, on her

left, was—"BARTI-HON! Oooh my baby! C'mere sweetie!" Kim cooed. Bartimaus

became Ptolmy, and bowed. "I wish to serve you, O my mistress--?" "Kimmy." The girl

cooed again. "What is your first order, Mistress Kimmy?" the djinni asked. Kim giggled.

"Gimme a kiss." She stepped out of the Pentacle. Ratty-Natty gasped, and shouted some

stupid thing, but the two lovers didn't here the midget. They threw the little runt out of the

room, and began to have some "fun"…

Bartimaus gasped, and said "I'll just say a few snatches. Lets see… 'silk sheets, whips,

candles, chocolate syrup..…ugh. Roses…lipstick, sweat trickling down her

unmentionables…this goes on for nine pages! Hang on…" Flip, flip, flip…flip, flip, flip.

"ANywaaaaaay…"

"Two hour later, Bartimaus and Kim were laughing at a graet joke she had made about

Ratty-Natty. "Oooh, you are the coolest Master I've ever had!" the djinni-thing grinned.

Kim giggled. "Aren't I just sooooooo awesome?" she batted her long eyelashes at her

Hubby. Hearts replaced his eyes as he stared slac-jawed at the beautiful maiden.

Suddenly, a noise interrupted them. Someone screamed "The house is collapsing!" Immediantly jumping up, Kim grabbed Bartimuas, and whisked him away to safety. "My hero!" Bartimuas cried, and hugged Kim. "Oh, it was nothing, really!" she smiled, and fell asleep in the djinni's arms."

Bartimaus sighed. "Phew. Now, onward to chapter two…" he flung the book at Farqurarl.

No one could believe the horror they unleashed. Heck, neither can I!

You know the rules. R&R please! I hand out Bartimaus plushies to reviewers!