One day, in fortland or something, Spy was preparing for his day at the fort, which was always fun and never a warzone with killing and guns. He put on his makeup and packed himself a sandwich. Today the administrator was organizing a presentation on why smoking is bad, in partnership with DARE. At least he got out of doing his actual work, which again, had NOTHING to do with killing or guns.
He walked down the stairs, and slid down the second rail even though The Administrator said he could hurt his butt. Sniper did enough of that, so he didn't care. He entered the extravagant dining room that RED totally puts in EVERY installation they build.
Engineer was making toast or something comic relief, because Engineer is full of relief and comic. Scout was being a douche bitch, and was sticking all manners of fruit in his ass. Sniper was in the corner with a stack of books; Fifty Shades of Grey, I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. In his hand, he was currently reading Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving. Soldier was being a racist mean white guy or something. Or he was taking it in the butt from den-mother toast making Engineer. Either one works. Miss Pauling was there too. And she was like a lesbian. And she was kissing Scout's mom. I don't know why they're there. Shut up. Pyro was stripping naked and had big breasts that were so real. The team didn't care though. They were all gay.
Suddenly Medic burst through the door. "MEIN GOTT I AM SO GERMAN," he was hyperventilating due to the lack of objects in his mouth.
Heavy was behind him (not like that…well…probably like that), and said something stupid. I don't care. He is fat. And hairy.
"LIKE OMG GUYS, HEY-LO!" Spy burst out. He was good at that. Sniper was instantly interested.
Not that interested though. Oh. And Demoman? Since I am a little girl who claims to be humanitarian, I don't want a black person in my story.
Spy was so excited for the day ahead. He would be so happy when lunch break came. They would play hopscotch during ceasefire and would chew gum even though they weren't supposed to.
Spy ate his bento and put the chopsticks away. He grabbed his lunch and went to the battlefield. When he got there Engineer was readying up his robot thing. He put Optimus Prime stickers on it and drew a big number 95. That was Lightning Mcqueen's number. Engineer like Lightning Mcqueen.
Scout was playing on his Gameboy (OH NO, THEY DIDN'T HAVE THOSE, IGNORE THAT), and was being a douche. And stuff. Don't worry, I'll make a self-insert later to make up for all the scoutdouchery.
Spy tripped. He screamed in pain. There was a knife on the ground, right where he landed.
"OUCHUUUUUUU~~~~~~~ WHY WOULD THER BE A KNIFE HERE, THIS ISN'T AFGANISTAN OR SOMETHING!"
Engineer was the team's mommy, and grabbed his box of Wall-e Bandaid brand bandages. "Now where'd ya get hert lil' buddy pardner?"
"On my wiener I think." Spy was right, the knife was stuck in his genitals. Engineer pulled it out, and put the bandaid over the hemorrhaging wound.
"Awl better now," Engineer said, "Now don't you go turnin' into a toddler now, cuz yah know I'll have to take care ah yah!".
"OK, thank you mom!" Spy said.
And then BLU team slaughtered them the second the round started. Turns out it was a warzone with killing and guns. Who would have thought.
And Medic was still german.
